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Old 12-27-2011, 07:01 AM
 
13,365 posts, read 10,648,470 times
Reputation: 9266
Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
Many people drink (and do drugs) because they are UNHAPPY. I do not consider these people addicts. I consider them people who are self-medicating. It is no different than getting a prescription for Zanax or Paxil or Prozac or any of the other hundreds of anti-depressants that are out there. I think this is the OP's husband's problem. He is not happy with his life and he is seeking out some pleasure from a bottle. It happens a lot and it does NOT MEAN HE IS AN ALCOHOLIC. It means he's freakin' miserable and he can't figure out any other way to fix it.

20yrsinBranson
Eh...people who regularly resort to using alcohol to cope with life's problems are alcoholics by definition.
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Old 12-27-2011, 07:04 AM
 
Location: United States
220 posts, read 22,881 times
Reputation: 156
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rebel06 View Post
Just wondering if it has ever worked for anyone? I have read articles that praised it and articles against it. My husband of three years is a functional alcoholic, and it took me until a year ago to realize that he had a problem. I would see him drink a beer or two, but never knew about all the others he drank in private. You cannot tell he is intoxicated other than that he gets very quiet and "aloof." For YEARS I kept thinking he was mad at me, and then I realized one day he was drunk. (He was in one of his quiet modes one evening and didn't remember a phone call with his sister.)

He has now lost THREE jobs in the three years we've been married, and I highly suspect that his addictions to alcohol and marijuana have a lot to do with it. His last employer told him he doesn't even know the basics of accounting (he has an advanced accounting degree). Last summer, he grew his own "weed" and I'm pretty sure he smokes it almost daily. He's 51 years old and every time he gets fired, he has a harder and harder time finding another job. If he doesn't get one and keep it, I fear our financial future is screwed. He has no retirement, no pension. I have both.

Is it unreasonable to tell him to either seek help or expect me to leave?
You're got a LONG and DIFFICULT road ahead of you.

You need to make some tough choices, and stick with them.
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Old 12-28-2011, 03:22 PM
 
Location: Old Town Alexandria
14,334 posts, read 14,754,143 times
Reputation: 8385
Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
Reading "20yearsinBranson" post was funny. I left my ex, and my Mom asked me what my "problem" was...he did not beat me and he paid the bills. What was MY problem with a "great" guy like that?!...
Enablers are what the addict relies on. Once the spouse refuses to enable, is when shtf.....ex MIL went to her grave claiming her 55 yr old son was an angel. he had 4 DUIs and almost killed a child in a car accident.

Im sorry but age 50...I would leave. Life is too sort trying to reform someone who in my case drank like a fish and was enabled by negligent parents since age 13. You are talking 37 years. And yes they can hide it and work at great jobs, etc....only difference between functional alcoholic and "addict" is that they are in denial.

Just bcs u love the person doesnt mean u need to ruin your future, Al-anon helps alot with the theories here.
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Old 12-28-2011, 03:37 PM
 
Location: Old Town Alexandria
14,334 posts, read 14,754,143 times
Reputation: 8385
Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
You should watch "Leaving Las Vegas" tonight. "28 days" tomorrow night, "Clean and Sober" the night after that...those are just the ones off the top of my head...
"When a Man Loves a Wioman " is also good. Meg Ryan as alcoholic mom holds down a decent job but drinks pints every day at the office. Nothing registers until she crashes through the glass shower door and abuses her 6 yr old.

Some hit rock bottom different from others. But the red flags are a harsh, but necesssary part of survival. I could not enable a man who was verbally abusive after a pint of bourbon every night. Not to mention the other accidents, etc.

The addict has no regard for driving drunk, it is all about them "feeling good" for the moment. Some end up in jail and it still never changes their behavior.
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Old 12-28-2011, 11:04 PM
 
13,365 posts, read 10,648,470 times
Reputation: 9266
Quote:
Originally Posted by dreamofmonterey View Post
The addict has no regard for driving drunk, it is all about them "feeling good" for the moment. Some end up in jail and it still never changes their behavior.
This is very true. I worked in a prison for a year and one inmate told me he was doing time because of his 6th DUI but he didn't think he had a problem. He didn't ever hurt anyone when he was driving drunk was his "reasoning" .
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Old 12-28-2011, 11:58 PM
 
Location: Old Town Alexandria
14,334 posts, read 14,754,143 times
Reputation: 8385
Quote:
Originally Posted by mysticaltyger View Post
This is very true. I worked in a prison for a year and one inmate told me he was doing time because of his 6th DUI but he didn't think he had a problem. He didn't ever hurt anyone when he was driving drunk was his "reasoning" .
exactly. At AA in FL, I went w. the ex to a meeting. A woman there had had 5 DUIs and the last accident had her 6 yr old in the SUV and major accident and child had to be airlifted to the hospital......

2 years later she was still drinking n drugging.

The addict has to want to change or they drag, or even kill others down with them.
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Old 12-29-2011, 12:07 AM
 
Location: Midland/Dallas
3,924 posts, read 3,462,946 times
Reputation: 2794
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rebel06 View Post
Just wondering if it has ever worked for anyone? I have read articles that praised it and articles against it. My husband of three years is a functional alcoholic, and it took me until a year ago to realize that he had a problem. I would see him drink a beer or two, but never knew about all the others he drank in private. You cannot tell he is intoxicated other than that he gets very quiet and "aloof." For YEARS I kept thinking he was mad at me, and then I realized one day he was drunk. (He was in one of his quiet modes one evening and didn't remember a phone call with his sister.)

He has now lost THREE jobs in the three years we've been married, and I highly suspect that his addictions to alcohol and marijuana have a lot to do with it. His last employer told him he doesn't even know the basics of accounting (he has an advanced accounting degree). Last summer, he grew his own "weed" and I'm pretty sure he smokes it almost daily. He's 51 years old and every time he gets fired, he has a harder and harder time finding another job. If he doesn't get one and keep it, I fear our financial future is screwed. He has no retirement, no pension. I have both.

Is it unreasonable to tell him to either seek help or expect me to leave?
My personal & professional...skip to the ending and leave.

I've dealt with these issues long enough to know that no matter what, this person is going to be struggling with alcoholism the rest of his life. Ultimatums work to a degree, I seen a person give up drinking for 5 yrs after their spouse threatened to divorce them. Then without warning, 5 yrs down the road that person slips and is right back where they left off at. I personally seen a person quit drinking for 18yrs and slip! There is no cure and treatment hospitals are a waste of money...and I have seen some of the best in the nation. You can lock this person up in a padded cell for 20 yrs and if they don't want to quit, their going to head straight to the local bar once released! So I say skip the fuss and find someone else...and that is coming from some with years of experience dealing with the subject and is a diehard supporter of the underdog.
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Old 12-29-2011, 05:10 AM
 
Location: Ohio
3,440 posts, read 2,124,748 times
Reputation: 2559
For any addict to quit they MUST realize they have a problem and want to quit, no ultimatums or court orders will ever do it.
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Old 12-29-2011, 05:54 AM
 
Location: Las Vegas, Nevada
10,902 posts, read 8,654,447 times
Reputation: 13871
3 relationships with alcoholics in a row--bingo, bingo, bingo!

Finally went to Al-Anon with the 3rd one. What I heard there was not welcoming news at all, and I still refuse to believe the statistics, once you finish with one alcoholic, there's an 85% chance you'll re-connect with another.

I've also looked into the frightening theory of projection, and I believe there's something to be said for that: there's an alcoholic buried within myself somewhere being projected onto my partners!

And if it isn't alcoholics, it's workaholics who wear the same clothes! And I know for a fact there's a workaholic buried (only one foot under!) within myself as well!
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Old 12-29-2011, 06:09 AM
 
Location: Holiday, FL
1,577 posts, read 695,418 times
Reputation: 1110
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rebel06 View Post
Just wondering if it has ever worked for anyone? I have read articles that praised it and articles against it. My husband of three years is a functional alcoholic, and it took me until a year ago to realize that he had a problem. I would see him drink a beer or two, but never knew about all the others he drank in private. You cannot tell he is intoxicated other than that he gets very quiet and "aloof." For YEARS I kept thinking he was mad at me, and then I realized one day he was drunk. (He was in one of his quiet modes one evening and didn't remember a phone call with his sister.)

He has now lost THREE jobs in the three years we've been married, and I highly suspect that his addictions to alcohol and marijuana have a lot to do with it. His last employer told him he doesn't even know the basics of accounting (he has an advanced accounting degree). Last summer, he grew his own "weed" and I'm pretty sure he smokes it almost daily. He's 51 years old and every time he gets fired, he has a harder and harder time finding another job. If he doesn't get one and keep it, I fear our financial future is screwed. He has no retirement, no pension. I have both.

Is it unreasonable to tell him to either seek help or expect me to leave?
He's 51 years old? He isn't going to quit either the alcohol or the weed. With all of the arguments I've heard that pot does not destroy the brain, virtually everyone I know that uses it seems to have a serious problem with logical reasoning. And, alcohol consumption does destroy brain cells which are replaced readily during youth, but the process of cell production slows the older you get. There is a point at which the destruction of cells exceeds the replacement of those cells, and mental processes suffer.

Losing three jobs in three years suggests that at some point, he's going to run out of potential employers. At that point, you get to support him completely. At his age, he's not going to stop either one unless he runs out of cash for them. Then, he'll be using your income to support his habits. When that happens, he'll be dragging you down with him.
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