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Old 12-23-2011, 10:34 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
16,077 posts, read 28,499,902 times
Reputation: 18189

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Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
You post intrigues me. I drink myself on a regular basis as does my dh. It is a recreational activity that we both enjoy, it's very relaxing and really doesn't do any harm (moderate intake of alcohol has been shown to be beneficial).

There seems to be a pervasive feeling here that drinking is "bad" or "evil", the OP's husband is not beating her in a drunken rage. You do not mention that you or the (OP's dh) drive drunk or otherwise endangers the rest of the world. I cannot for the life of me figure out what you, and everyone else finds so incredibly objectionable about drinking alcohol. Good lord, people have been doing it FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS, because it is an enjoyable and, for the most part, harmless experience.

Honestly, I am shocked at all the puritanical, oppressive responses to the OP's post. Good grief, the man is an adult. Let him have some fun for chrissakes!

20yrsinBranson
Honestly, you can't differentiate between casual social drinking and a person whose drinking to excess has clouded his thinking to the point he can't hold a job.

Makes me question why you're defensive.
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Old 12-23-2011, 10:40 PM
 
5,198 posts, read 5,263,657 times
Reputation: 13249
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nite Ryder View Post
If you know you are easily addicted to things, it is better to never start drinking.
I agree with this. Both parents are addicted, one to alcohol, the other to drugs. I am extremely careful. I hate taking drugs of any kind (I won't touch painkillers, for example, unless I have absolutely no choice) and I don't drink at all. Better safe than sorry.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
You post intrigues me. I drink myself on a regular basis as does my dh. It is a recreational activity that we both enjoy, it's very relaxing and really doesn't do any harm (moderate intake of alcohol has been shown to be beneficial).

There seems to be a pervasive feeling here that drinking is "bad" or "evil", the OP's husband is not beating her in a drunken rage. You do not mention that you or the (OP's dh) drive drunk or otherwise endangers the rest of the world. I cannot for the life of me figure out what you, and everyone else finds so incredibly objectionable about drinking alcohol. Good lord, people have been doing it FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS, because it is an enjoyable and, for the most part, harmless experience.

Honestly, I am shocked at all the puritanical, oppressive responses to the OP's post. Good grief, the man is an adult. Let him have some fun for chrissakes!

20yrsinBranson
I normally like your posts, but I am a bit baffled here. You seem to be an intelligent person. Do you honestly not know the difference between moderation and addiction? And if a person has an addictive personality, moderation can easily turn into something more. You don't have to drive drunk or beat your spouse to be an alcoholic.

To the OP:

Check out the Al-Anon groups and website. You need all of the support that you can get. It can seem as if the world revolves around the addict and no one supports your needs - not even you.

We can't tell you whether to stay or go. Living with an addict can drive you crazy if you don't have the support that you need. Just remember that addicts are manipulative by nature and I would hate for another three years to go by and you are in the same situation. My heart goes out to you.
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Old 12-23-2011, 10:58 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
16,077 posts, read 28,499,902 times
Reputation: 18189
Quote:
Originally Posted by mochamajesty View Post
I

I normally like your posts, but I am a bit baffled here. You seem to be an intelligent person. Do you honestly not know the difference between moderation and addiction? And if a person has an addictive personality, moderation can easily turn into something more. You don't have to drive drunk or beat your spouse to be an alcoholic.
I'm not surprised. Parenting criticism in The Home Decorating forum, telling a woman "your kids could destroy anything" without knowledge of her kids and how they live because she wamted to do a Morrocon room had hardwood floors and her little ones pushed the chairs around. Baffling isn't the word.
Beyond the pale.

Grew up with alcoholic parents who would say, "Nothing wrong with having a few drinks" at 10yrs old, I had the common sense to figure out when a parent drums that into your head...BINGO...theres an issue and I was right.

Last edited by virgode; 12-23-2011 at 11:08 PM..
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Old 12-24-2011, 07:24 AM
 
Location: Elsewhere
88,300 posts, read 84,292,537 times
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As someone said, if you issue an ultimatum, you have to mean it. I gave my ex an ultimatum. Rehab or leave. He chose to leave. Life got better for me. Yeah, it's a kick in the azz to have someone choose a can of beer over you, and AA will tell you that's not what it really means, but in the end it doesn't matter. The important thing is that you get your life back.

Good luck in whichever way it turns out for you.
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Old 12-24-2011, 07:30 AM
 
18,837 posts, read 37,281,021 times
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Reading "20yearsinBranson" post was funny. I left my ex, and my Mom asked me what my "problem" was...he did not beat me and he paid the bills. What was MY problem with a "great" guy like that?!...
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Old 12-24-2011, 07:53 AM
 
Location: Ohio
3,437 posts, read 6,064,542 times
Reputation: 2700
Until he realizes his drinking and drug use are the problem there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it, this usually takes a major incident(Job loss usually doesn't do it), Alcoholics are good at the blame game.

The term "Functioning alcoholic" is misunderstood by a lot of people, what it means is a person can be trashed and another person would never know it, they may just seem incompetent at whatever they are doing, this is why the OP's husband's boss said he doesn't know accounting(not knowing he was smashed), in some cases there is no slurred speech or staggered walking, but they would fry a breathalyzer.

Alcoholism does run in families, it really isn't hereditary in the clinical sense but children of alcoholics are predisposed.

The person may have bottles stashed around the house too.

Giving him and ultimatum isn't going to work.
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Old 12-24-2011, 08:15 AM
 
10,135 posts, read 27,418,523 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trackwatch View Post
Until he realizes his drinking and drug use are the problem there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it, this usually takes a major incident(Job loss usually doesn't do it), Alcoholics are good at the blame game.

The term "Functioning alcoholic" is misunderstood by a lot of people, what it means is a person can be trashed and another person would never know it, they may just seem incompetent at whatever they are doing, this is why the OP's husband's boss said he doesn't know accounting(not knowing he was smashed), in some cases there is no slurred speech or staggered walking, but they would fry a breathalyzer.

Alcoholism does run in families, it really isn't hereditary in the clinical sense but children of alcoholics are predisposed.

The person may have bottles stashed around the house too.

Giving him and ultimatum isn't going to work.

I agree with almost everything you said, except that a "functioning alcoholic" is a person who holds down a job and doesn't end up in jail or the ER. Not what you said. A functioning alcoholic can go out after work, drink into a black out, find his way home and crash on the floor. As long as he shows up for work the next day he is functioning. The functioning refers to his other life obligations not how drunk he gets.
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Old 12-24-2011, 08:18 AM
 
47,525 posts, read 69,570,473 times
Reputation: 22474
Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
You post intrigues me. I drink myself on a regular basis as does my dh. It is a recreational activity that we both enjoy, it's very relaxing and really doesn't do any harm (moderate intake of alcohol has been shown to be beneficial).

There seems to be a pervasive feeling here that drinking is "bad" or "evil", the OP's husband is not beating her in a drunken rage. You do not mention that you or the (OP's dh) drive drunk or otherwise endangers the rest of the world. I cannot for the life of me figure out what you, and everyone else finds so incredibly objectionable about drinking alcohol. Good lord, people have been doing it FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS, because it is an enjoyable and, for the most part, harmless experience.

Honestly, I am shocked at all the puritanical, oppressive responses to the OP's post. Good grief, the man is an adult. Let him have some fun for chrissakes!

20yrsinBranson
He's not beating her but he's driving her into poverty because his drinking is causing him to lose jobs.

It's fine if she chooses to accept this and live this way. She can work full time and maybe some overtime and even have money to give him so he can drink -- if that's the way she wants to live.

His drinking is already causing him problems in his life. It probably has caused him problems in the past.

Some people choose to remain married to their alcoholic. Even after the alcoholic can no longer work, the non-alcoholic will work and pay all the bills, keep food on the table, a comfortable house and sometimes will even give the alcoholic money so he or she can keep drinking.

The OP however has only been married three years to this man and I didn't get the impression that this would be the choice she would want to make, so I think giving him one chance is fair enough, but she needs to be prepared to bail.
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Old 12-24-2011, 08:25 AM
 
47,525 posts, read 69,570,473 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nite Ryder View Post
Some people can drink alcohol and some people can't. I think it is imperative to know your limitations. My wife and I both drink wine with dinner, and sometimes a glass after dinner. Some nights we drink her favorite Amaretto on the rocks, and my favorite Yukon Jack on the rocks. We never drink to excess and we drink only after we know we are not going to be driving. I think the difference in our drinking and an alcoholic's drinking is we don't feel we have to have a drink. There are times we might not drink wine with dinner for a week at a time. I drink one glass of beer a week, and my wife drinks one Margarita a week, every Thursday evening when we go out to dinner. But when it's really cold, we might have coffee instead of the usual alcoholic drink. Neither of us feel the need to drink. Most of the alcoholic's I have known, have not been able to stop drinking. If you know you are easily addicted to things, it is better to never start drinking. Working traffic for our State Police Department several years ago probably gave me an un-natural outlook when it comes to dealing with alcoholic's.
I don't judge alcoholics but would not want to be married to one because I think alcohol does something for some people that it doesn't do for me.

I can drink and even drink too much but I don't feel happier, or sadder, I don't feel my problems went away, I don't like the feeling of having one too many. I don't think it even helps me relax actually. I can go for months never drinking as much as a beer.

For others it seems to do a whole lot more for them, maybe cover some emotional pain or it gives them a high, makes them feel more social, more happy.

I think the difference comes down to if you aren't an alcoholic you would quit the minute it became a problem but if you aren't an alcoholic, it never becomes a problem to have to quit. Alcholics run into all kinds of problems with their drinking but just cannot quit. One sign of an alcoholic is in fact the having to quit drinking. Because a non-alcoholic doesn't have problems from drinking and never has to quit, but the alcoholic does, they're always quitting, they can stop drinking, they stop drinking over and over and over. They just can't go on drinking though without having more problems.
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Old 12-24-2011, 08:33 AM
 
18,837 posts, read 37,281,021 times
Reputation: 26463
See, that is why she should actually leave, and if she wants to date him, or give him another chance, she can. But, that is really the only way an "ultimatum" works. Leave, and say, if you want me back, change...but I am moving on with my life without you. That forces the alcoholic to actually face that things have changed, as a direct result of his behavior. Staying, and expecting change is not going to happen.
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