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Anyway, as for the OP, it goes back to the very simple matter that you are not taking responsibility for where you're at in your life. I can tell you want things to change and you don't like where you are but you keep saying that it is all your husband's fault and that is not possible.
How old is your youngest? When did the last one move out?
You missed where she said she had gotten a job but her salary was garnished because of debts. Look, she's no saint; she admits that. She's not blameless; she admits it. What she is, is fed up; last child is out of the nest. But now she's 60 and was looking for advice. She's afraid to get a job only to have it all attached/garnished and still have no means of support. Plus, at 60, what kind of job do you believe she is capable of doing -- nevermind that, GETTING in this economy? She's not a spry kid able to make 10 beds and clean 10 rooms, 10 bathrooms, vacuum, wash mirrors, etc. in 1 hour. What is your solution to her dilemma?
Now that you all have pointed fingers, pointed out her weaknesses, berated her for not having made better choices IN THE PAST, what should she do
N O W??? What would you all advise her for the future?
Anyone?
Uh yeah, NY Annie, I posted this, and the OP did not respond to any of it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by birdinmigration
Okay now, think clearly. Either plan a strategy or accept that This Is Your Life.
You say you have no job skills. Your posts put the lie to that. Clearly, you are an intelligent, educated and articulate. Do you know how many people I have worked with (in full-time positions) who can't write a decent sentence? Who hardly know any English, have no computer skills (which clearly you have, because you have found this forum and figured out how to post, etc.), and don't understand basic discourse? None of those things describe you.
You have "never worked", eh? You raised 4 children who are successful. That doesn't happen all by itself. Understand that there are always day care positions, after-school positions, and nanny positions requiring someone with exactly your job skills. I have seen ads in my area for nannies that pay $100,000 per annum, live-in and including travel to exotic locales.
If you want to get out of the "care" sphere, there are on-line courses (you have a computer and internet) that don't require physical presence.
Some appointments to make:
Job Coach -- A very important resource, can help you write resumes, find job ads, coach you on interview skills
Lawyer -- Make sure your lawyer keeps a forensic accountant on staff, they will need to ferret out your exact assets/debts
Counselor/Spouse Support Group -- Groups can help you focus on goals and provide information and comfort
Financial Advisor/Credit Counseling -- There are some that are free or govt. sponsored
Also, get yourself some interview and professional clothes. You are a thin woman, just trust me, you will find loads of stuff at Goodwill. I always do, I am a size 4 and great-quality stuff is abundant. I have beautiful things from Talbots, Ralph Lauren, DKNY, etc. I am one of the best-dressed women in NY in my Goodwill clothes. Having nice things on the job will make you feel and look strong and competent (and smart -- as you only paid $7 per jacket!).
Unlike others, I would NOT suggest you go begging to your kids. If they already think YOU are the problem, this would not help matters.
Please understand that in a divorce you will be responsible for half the debt incurred in the marriage. You say it is six figures. What are the chances that debacle will improve if you stay? But if you go, it is half yours. Like others, it boggles my mind how you could lose your house and still not fight like hell to find a paying job.
While you are judging him, you need to also look in the mirror and think of all the ways you failed him with bitter thoughts and disgust. It is not too late, though, just don't sit around and complain and expect sympathy.
These are just some random thoughts I had. Good luck.
The OP said she wanted help and advice. I was trying to do that. But maybe actually she wanted to blow off steam and have a bunch of people agree that the husband is a dirtbag. I'd like her to post what her solutions/strategies are or just accept her life and make the best.
Why would you WANT to stay? If it's about money, hang in till you're 62, then divorce him and file for social security. You are entitled to half his amount . . .I believe . . . (but don't know about timing, re: his age) . . . so there you have an option.
Or if you have family, move in with them now and then when you are 62 you can draw SS.
It's easy to just dump on people because they have made stupid choices in life but why bother going there? The woman has obviously paid for her poor decisions and is now asking for ideas to improve her situation. I just see no point in rubbing salt into her wound and pointing self righteous fingers.
Well, I'd like to return to this. I know what you're saying. But I think what we're all reacting to is that her first and obvious step is to realize what she did to help create this mess. Until she says, "I should have done something," and stop simply laying it all on her worthless husband, then she really can't make a substantial change in how she lives her life.
I think that's a problem on this board in general. Poster A has a terrible situation that, if we read between the lines, it's clear he or she had a hand in creating it. One faction of posters wants to dish out the tough love while another faction wants to comfort. I tend to fall in the first camp, chiefly because I read so many of these problems and think that a modicum of common sense would have helped the person avoid the mess in the first place.
Barring acts of God and dread diseases, we all contribute to our own situations in our adult lives. We all have faced considerable challenges and setbacks. We have all had to correct our own shortcomings. The difference is how we choose to change. And the OP saying, "Okay. From this point on, I will be responsible for my own well-being" is a good place to start.
Well, I'd like to return to this. I know what you're saying. But I think what we're all reacting to is that her first and obvious step is to realize what she did to help create this mess. Until she says, "I should have done something," and stop simply laying it all on her worthless husband, then she really can't make a substantial change in how she lives her life.
I think that's a problem on this board in general. Poster A has a terrible situation that, if we read between the lines, it's clear he or she had a hand in creating it. One faction of posters wants to dish out the tough love while another faction wants to comfort. I tend to fall in the first camp, chiefly because I read so many of these problems and think that a modicum of common sense would have helped the person avoid the mess in the first place.
Barring acts of God and dread diseases, we all contribute to our own situations in our adult lives. We all have faced considerable challenges and setbacks. We have all had to correct our own shortcomings. The difference is how we choose to change. And the OP saying, "Okay. From this point on, I will be responsible for my own well-being" is a good place to start.
Perhaps we all should pen the greatest self-help book known to women and thereby empower them from the clutches of slob husbands. Then there will be no strife on earth. Of course, millions of women in the world continue to have problems in a largely male-dominated society, despite the empowerment movement.
I don't see the point of dwelling and revelling on a "spent" problem. The house has been burnt. What's the point in the post mortem exercise? Either point out a solution forward or keep it mum. I don't see the need to rub self-righteousness based on how other houses, often unburnt and standing tall, have been very good at self-management.
Focus has to be on "now" and the "future". Her past is done and sealed.
The fact that she has seemingly ignored the excellent advice of birdinmigration speaks volumes though. Past is prologue.
I think it is of some use to point out the consequences of a lifetime of inertia, denial and passivity in hopes that she will snap out of it and take some action at last!
Well, I'd like to return to this. I know what you're saying. But I think what we're all reacting to is that her first and obvious step is to realize what she did to help create this mess. Until she says, "I should have done something," and stop simply laying it all on her worthless husband, then she really can't make a substantial change in how she lives her life.
I think that's a problem on this board in general. Poster A has a terrible situation that, if we read between the lines, it's clear he or she had a hand in creating it. One faction of posters wants to dish out the tough love while another faction wants to comfort. I tend to fall in the first camp, chiefly because I read so many of these problems and think that a modicum of common sense would have helped the person avoid the mess in the first place.
Barring acts of God and dread diseases, we all contribute to our own situations in our adult lives. We all have faced considerable challenges and setbacks. We have all had to correct our own shortcomings. The difference is how we choose to change. And the OP saying, "Okay. From this point on, I will be responsible for my own well-being" is a good place to start.
And I agree with everything you have said. I am normally not the let's-sit-by-the-fire-and-sing-kumbaya type and I absolutely agree she has completely been lazy and co-dependent and should accept the blame for her own unhappiness.
I think this particular thread has touched a nerve with me. I can see my own Mother mirrored in the OP. The meek, passive, pathetic, weak personality is the same and the manipulative, self centred husband who controls all the money is the same.
I know this type of woman well. I understand the need to "keep the family together" and the victim mode these woman get into from a very young age.
Essentially that's why I didn't want to deride her.
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<flying kiss> 
