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Old 12-29-2011, 07:56 AM
 
Location: southeast SD
159 posts, read 137,314 times
Reputation: 198

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is this one of them hook,line and sinker threads??
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Old 12-29-2011, 09:33 AM
 
85 posts, read 49,669 times
Reputation: 182
I hope that the current generation of young women is smart and foresighted enough to realize that living your entire life financially dependent on another human being is a very dangerous and vulnerable situation to put yourself in.

Every woman needs the skills and resume to support herself, even if she has to put them on hold for awhile to raise children.
I wish everyone had to read this post 18 times. Yet sadly there are still women that subscribe to this. Several in my neighborhood stay home, even though the kids are in school, and openly admit they have no idea what they'd do if their husband left them or they were just miserable. Nothing wrong with taking care of kids, esp little ones (I did it for 5 years) but job skills are a necessity. My first husband was abusive and I couldn't have left that situation if I didn't have a couple of college degrees and work skills; I still know several people stuck in miserable marriages because they can't leave. Ironically, I think the husbands treat them worse then they would otherwise precisely because they don't the wife has no options; if the women of which I speak were able to dump their husbands I think they'd be treated a lot better. My ex openly admitted after I left him that he didn't think I had any options (odd since I had two degrees and he knew it but he's not that bright).

Mothers, teach your daughters this! I really hope the era of the helpless, dependent woman is finally ending.
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Old 12-29-2011, 10:16 AM
 
25,301 posts, read 27,525,218 times
Reputation: 34622
Moderator:snip ToS, Here's something else I'd like to say.

I have a 16-year-old daughter. One of the lessons I try to tell her at all times is, "Do not rely on a man to earn your living for you. You have to make your own way in the world. Even in the best marriages, it's important to know that, if the worst comes to worst, you'll be able to keep a roof over your family's head."

Now that we're in our late 40s, we know numerous women who have been SAHMs and suddenly have no purpose when the kids go off to college. What's more, we know women who hate their marriages but don't have the guts to leave because they are not confident of their ability to financially survive. It's the equivalent of living in a golden cage.

Last edited by sunshineleith; 12-29-2011 at 02:28 PM..
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Old 12-29-2011, 11:30 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
7,990 posts, read 5,479,597 times
Reputation: 19170
Quote:
Originally Posted by WyoNewk View Post
He certainly doesn't sound like a good partner.

HOWEVER, it sounds like the two of you have been struggling financially for 30 years. Why have you never worked? Sorry, but it sounds to me like you are to blame for your current financial problems too.

Get a job. You seem to be intelligent, and you're not overweight, so you're probably attractive enough to get some kind of decent job. (Yes, Virginia, appearance is important in securing jobs.)

Perhaps, just perhaps, if you were working your husband would feel more obligated to pitch in with house work. If not, at least you'd have a little experience and could start building up your Social Security before being on your own. (I'm not sure if you can even draw SS if you've never contributed.)
I haven't read all posts, but this post here is one I agree with.

You've been struggling financially for 30 years. Why have you never worked? You haven't even worked part time!? I'm sure there are many things you could have done....could STILL do, to help make ends meet.

Your husband sounds horribly depressed! Okay, sure, the working spouse quite often has no clue what being a "homemaker/SAHP" does all day, but let me ask you this.... What DO you do all day? If you just had the last one graduate from high school, that means for 12 YEARS you have had your days "free". What in tarnation could there be for that man to DO when he gets home!?

What have you done, as a SAHM, to stretch that dollar as thin as you can get it? After I got pregnant with our 3rd child, we made a joint decision that I would stay at home. I STILL worked part time jobs and held down periodic full-time jobs, as necessary, once the kids got older. The difference is, when my husband got home from work, there WAS nothing for him to "have" to do! Some people who stay at home do NOT treat it like it's a job, at all! How fair does that seem to the working spouse?

If you were the one who was working outside the home, would you appreciate coming home from work and having more work expected of you? Again, it sounds to me like you need to get out and get yourself a job, even if it's a cleaning or waitressing job...working at Walmart or another store....something! If he stinks at money management, why haven't you ever taken over that task? Clearly, you don't know what he's making and/or what it's costing to run the household, therefore, you clearly don't know IF and HOW MUCH he's blowing on things.

It sounds like your man is feeling like he's simply had an extra child around the house. You haven't loved him for 20 years? He's been putting a roof over your head, food on your table, utilities at your disposal and you don't love him. No wonder your kids are pissed!
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Old 12-29-2011, 11:34 AM
 
2,934 posts, read 3,576,604 times
Reputation: 6189
Quote:
You haven't loved him for 20 years? He's been putting a roof over your head, food on your table, utilities at your disposal and you don't love him?
So someone is obligated to love someone who supports them?

This is absurd.

Millions of children or teenagers detest one or both of their parents, and parents pay their bills and put food on the table. So what? Love has very little to do with paying for someone's utilities! Love in a marriage should be a hell of a lot more than just marginally supporting someone financially. The husband in this scenario is a total loser! No wonder she can't stand him.
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Old 12-29-2011, 11:51 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
7,990 posts, read 5,479,597 times
Reputation: 19170
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ulysses61 View Post
So someone is obligated to love someone who supports them?

This is absurd.

Millions of children or teenagers detest one or both of their parents, and parents pay their bills and put food on the table. So what? Love has very little to do with paying for someone's utilities! Love in a marriage should be a hell of a lot more than just marginally supporting someone financially. The husband in this scenario is a total loser! No wonder she can't stand him.
I'm sure the feeling is mutual! Perhaps they should have stopped having children long before they did! It's not likely that this occurred over night, 20 years ago. I guess the thing that bothers me the most about this OP is this, "What has this lifestyle taught those children!?" Is this the kind of example you set for your children...male AND female? Why has it gone on for so long, with no change? Why hasn't the OP done anything to better herself? The only thing I saw the OP say she actually kept up, is her personal appearance. It sounds like he let his go, but is that because he felt so unappreciated and unloved? He remained unemployed....all those years, and she never felt the need to "take care of him...back"? Again, he sounds like someone who is horribly depressed!
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Old 01-08-2012, 11:10 AM
 
5 posts, read 3,314 times
Reputation: 23
Oh how I wish I were, and I only posted the big things. We did do marriage counseling 11 years ago. And he promised no more evictions, repos, collections irs liens,etc, that lasted a few months. We lost the house, a year ago so no equity to get. I ask the appropriate questions and he tells me things are ok, and then the lawsuit, or legal papers come. The marriage counselor basically said he will never change, ever, that he is narcissistic and that I would never come first. The counselor was very good, really told him in no uncertain terms what was going on. She did a lot of individual work with each of us, so I have no idea what happened in their sessions, just mine and the joint sessions. I have done most of everyone's suggestions, and I was "that" wife (and I believe that just made things worse he expected more), and I agree I think I set myself up for what I am living. He is a professional, Ivy league educated. Came from a very poor home, his Father did the same thing to his Mom. Which at the time I met him he thought was awful. Funny how we turn into our parents. I came from a home that never ever paid a bill late, ever. My parents lived way below their means. I have been trying to find a job, but in this economy. where I live (double digit unemployment), I haven't been able to find anything, and I have looked and am still looking. I did get a job 11 years ago, and what happened is the State and IRS garnished my wages, so it wasn't worth my working, I could never work off what he owed. The same thing would happen now too, He owes 6 figures, they go after what they can get. The answer would be to start a business, but I have no money to do that.
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Old 01-08-2012, 11:13 AM
 
Location: San Diego
17,499 posts, read 14,160,108 times
Reputation: 6231
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
Moderator:snip ToS, Here's something else I'd like to say.

I have a 16-year-old daughter. One of the lessons I try to tell her at all times is, "Do not rely on a man to earn your living for you. You have to make your own way in the world. Even in the best marriages, it's important to know that, if the worst comes to worst, you'll be able to keep a roof over your family's head."

Now that we're in our late 40s, we know numerous women who have been SAHMs and suddenly have no purpose when the kids go off to college. What's more, we know women who hate their marriages but don't have the guts to leave because they are not confident of their ability to financially survive. It's the equivalent of living in a golden cage.
ding
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Old 01-08-2012, 11:18 AM
 
5 posts, read 3,314 times
Reputation: 23
I am talking about the things normal people do. He sits on the coach eating shelled peanuts, its all over the couch, floor everywhere, leaves his drink and nutshells there..............you think I should pick that up? I brought up and was a Mother to 4 kids, I don't think it's too much to ask him to pick up after himself. I am not his maid, nor his Mother. I put in my dues, when I said "I do" I didn't mean EVERYTHING, I meant most, but not all.
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Old 01-08-2012, 11:19 AM
 
Location: Lower east side of Toronto
10,578 posts, read 5,127,557 times
Reputation: 8998
Leave the guy alone - If he protected the kids and you from harm that is enough - the purpose in the minds of most woman in a consumer society ..is that men are to be the generators of money - far as I can see - with some woman there will never be enough disposable cash..spending is a religion in this world and maybe this husbands spirit has finally been totally broken and like an old horse refuses to take another step with that big pack on his back....In the wild kingdom - the male is the protector - the female the provider...it's a good arrangement in the preditorial world of humans aslo.
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