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I also like the idea of making a joke , so he isn't put in an awkward situation and also gets the hint.
I would laugh and say something like "hey you're getting a little too close for comfort there buddy!"
or "my arm is not your stress ball! I will buy you one of those if you'd like"
or some other creative comment that points out that you've noticed that he seems to enjoy squeezing your arm --- and you are not a fan.
or even "my arm is going to get sore if you keep using it as your stressball after our chats"
He will get the idea - if he has even half a brain
You are the woman. He wants something from you. You have all the power. You can reject him. Embarrass him. Yell at him. You could respond in a multitude of ways because he is the one who is sticking his neck out by touching you.
Once you realize that his manhood is actually in your hands and you could potentially rebuff him any way you like, I dont think you'd be so bothered. hehe But I do hope you'll be nice about it, mainly for your sake so you can pat yourself on the back about how nice you were to Mr. Handsy.
This. Don't stop enjoying yourself with a group just because of one person. You're giving him all the power. It's time to gain confidence and use it throughout life.
I always try to use humor to stop uncomfortable situations and if that doesn't work, then I tell them to stop or push them away. I'm not shy about letting people know how I feel.
Got to my coffee shop 45 min early to find second man also here early. I already handled this scenario before by saying- hello / how are you - and going about my own business. Today, because we are actually meeting, he sat at a table looking at me expectantly, seemed to be waiting. Once I got my drink I said hello, walked by and sat at a table across the way (it's not a big place). He turned to me and said, I think we'll use this table for the group. I said that's fine, we're not meeting until 10:00. He said- oh wasnt sure if we'd said 930 or 10:00. Yeah right... Well anyway I said- hey no mind, I'm barely awake myself.
I'm not looking to be mean and feel sort of bad for the awkwardness already, and I realize it is rather a blunt move...But I specifically came early for that extra half hour of alone time. This is precisely something I wanted to avoid - as mentioned this place is my little sanctuary too and I don't want the expectation that when we are here at the same time it means a get-together.
Maybe the slightly icy move will ward off any shoulder squeezes. If not, I will execute one of the many fine options suggested by responses here, or a combination thereof. I appreciate your replies - some very useful ideas that really got me thinking, and which I think I can apply in other situations too.
I agree that Life Coach is probably well-equipped to handle me mentioning something to him and that it could be a good exercise for me not to keep things bottled up.
But I think I've been worried that I could be over-reacting in the event that second guy means nothing untoward. I am not unaffectionate myself but nor am I grabby. I don't see this guy squeezing Life Coach's shoulders. And Life Coach and I just handshake, if that - which i find comfortable, quite appropriate to the context we have as folks meeting up as coffee-shop regulars.
Re your pre-emtive ideas on the arm squeeze-- although i get the gist of it, I can't imagine doing the double-pat back in this instance as I'd be concerned that any touching could be misconstrued by him; I would love to pre-empt with a handshake but as we sit by each other at a small table, he reaches over before I even know it happened; the startled-reaction is a great idea, will remember that for other scenarios altho it's probably too late for me to act startled here as I never did before.
So my table-move this morning was good, now to see about articulating better. Thank you all again for the advice and support, it definitely helped prepare me.
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Update -- Ugh second guy just turned to say Life Coach emailed to cancel. we both laughed it off, and are still at our respective tables. He also got up to get another coffee and asked me if I wanted anything. Yep, awkward is the word. He seems genuinely nice and if I knew him better or saw him daily, e.g. work, might just tell him what the problem is straight up.
Guess i will have to have that talk with Life Coach, as it is obviously strange that we didn't just have a chat over coffee anyway. I know Life Coach looks forward to this little mini-group and I hate to disappoint him as he's been so nice and helpful; but I have to stop this stifling my words lest i 'cause discomfort' or give people cause to think I am_____ (fill in the blank: a worrier, party-pooper, unreasonable, over-reacting, whatever...).
And apologies for the length of this post.
Thanks for the update, please, keep them coming! Maybe you can try a different tactic each day, and respond with what works and what doesn't.
Just for the record, my pick is to leave the meeting early, with a "well, it's about time for me to go!" as you raise your hand out for a handshake. Since the coach guy does a handshake already, it should fit right in!
Do that maybe twice in a row to establish a pattern.
The shoulder squeeze thing I think distance between you two is what works in my mind.
Also for the record, even though I'm a man I've had another man come up behind me before and place a hand on my shoulder. I was looking at a picture on the wall, when he came up to comment on it (it was a building he had built), so - I know a bit what you're going through .
Right, forgot to mention the humor suggestion from Sydney1987 which could work well as he's probably not an all-out creep or ogre, albeit out of line. I felt put upon and defensive yet uncomfortable to speak up. So didn't think of such simple and balanced solutions, just clammed up.
Makes a lot of sense that this is both about feeling disempowered, and thinking I shouldn't cause any 'disruption.' Faulty belief systems at work there. In fact, I almost tried to soothe things over, thinking to stop by his table on my way out for 'just a few min' because it seemed so weird that we sat at our respective tables without speaking... But he got up before that, so I (fortunately) did not have the opportunity to carry out my typical softening piece.
He said goodbye, have a good rest of the day and I said same. I'm sure from his perspective it was all kind of cold and rude of me. Which is why it would be really useful for me to find my voice in these situations, so that everyone knows what's going on. Yes I'll keep building on this experience then. Thanks you all.
EarthBeneathMe, I really like that suggestion. Not only do you get to set the tone with the handshake, but I think you unknowingly just hit on another tip for me - knowing when to leave, and feeling free to do it. Not wanting to disrupt, I will often stay until someone else makes the move.
I don't think this has anything to do with guy #1.
If you make it "his" problem, it might all go awry and you will lose the beneficial time with guy #1.
I think what happened the first time this squeezing happened and you did nothing, was it gave guy #2 "permission" to keep doing it, or since you didn't object it was OK with you and he has simply just carried it on. It may just be friendly, it may not, but your benchmark is what it feels like for you.
You must absolutely do something the very next time this touching/squeezing happens.
I would make a point of not sitting near guy #2, if at all possible, to provide a natural space obstacle.
If not, I think putting your hand up to block his is a technique to use, the pat on the back, or simply saying "Please don't do that". And there is no need to apologize at all when you say something.
Why not try the hand up and pat on back techniques on a friend or relative before doing the real thing on guy #2. This should make it easier to make the move and not feel too self-conscious or awkward.
In the final analysis, you have to put unwanted activity or people above having nice get coffee togethers. Life changes and we can always adapt.
You are not the one forcing this situation, so don't blame yourself on the outcome of your actions.
Last edited by groggo558; 12-29-2011 at 01:28 PM..
Update -- Ugh second guy just turned to say Life Coach emailed to cancel. we both laughed it off, and are still at our respective tables.
That opportunity could have been used by you to mention or speak to guy #2 about his unwanted touching.
I appreciate that you don't feel as comfortable with him, as you do in the group, but there would be no awkwardness in asserting yourself in front of more people.
Guy #2 is probably unaware of the way he is making you feel.
Is this threesome a place where unwanted touching could be discussed so that each group member is aware of the issue? Or is it a place where Miss 20years younger is not allowed to make her feelings known? Just curious.
Ms. 20 years younger of course can always make her feelings known, but has felt obstructed due to faulty thinking and is implementing suggestions per above posts.
Thanks for those v. good points groggo, I have segued into the issue with Life Coach, telling him I feel most comfortable speaking with him due to our prior chat history. I may keep it there, and keep up with him only on a professional coaching level. Indacto's idea to bring it up in the group is another thought, could be a good exercise....TBD
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What kind of group is this?
