Yet another in-law-over-the-holidays thread but with a twist - they are French. (long-term, marriages)

[srjth]

Originally Posted by Deja Vu Again

All my friends and family think he married me for a greencard but I refuse to believe it. Interestingly, his attitude changed towards me once he did get the green card. I still don't think he married me for it. I quit my job, left my family and friends and moved far away so he could get a great paying job. I have sacrificed a lot. He doesn't want to have sex with me... when I try to be affectionate, its a quick kiss (like you would give your friend or mother). I kept trying to "keep us together" with therapy...etc.

I don't think he married you for the green card.

[PurePugx3]

Originally Posted by Snort;

The French stare all the time. There's no shame in it for them. Get on a bus anywhere in France and tell me people don't stare. For some, it could be creepy. For me, it's just French.

Well, very interesting, I have never had that experience on any occasion in France. More often than not, I see Americans here stare at anyone not speaking English or clearly possessing a different cultural background than that what is considered American.

I live in what is considered a liberal and well-educated area of the States. I am Caucasian and my DH is not; we get stared at a lot and I find it a little weird, if not creepy. We never get that in Europe, or Canada for that matter. Either that or it happens so infrequently I never notice.

Guess we all notice different things, here and abroad.

[PurePugx3]

Originally Posted by sierraAZ;

Well, let's just say that QUITE A FEW are!

Oh yes.....that I will agree with, lol

[PurePugx3]

Originally Posted by nuala;

I don't get a few things:

- 20 years of travelling in Europe and all you know is English?

- you are "too old" to learn a new language at 42, but expect it from 72yo and 82yo?

-it was a shot-gun marriage in 3 days to enable his stay in USA, but you "loved him"? Way before the marriage decision, or did your love develop after the marriage? If before, did HE reciprocate your love?

-if the marriage was a "cover" for 2 people with their own agendas (green card for him, EU citizenship for you), he probably still thinks of it as such. You, however, seem to have developed an idea of a real couple. He doesn't want to be a man and wife, and verbally abuses you, but you subserviently try to keep the facade - letting go, internalizing....

-I don't see a big deal about people sleeping in the same room, especially temporarily. Have you not seen European apartments? Multi-generations living
in the same apartments?

I could see not knowing other languages aside from English, even with extensive travel. The last I knew, the American education system does not make learning foreign languages a requirement, unless the HS student is on track for university. Very opposite of Europe. Unfortunate, yet a reality for the US.

Taking vacations and such, most people aren't going to learn the language of the country they are visiting. Maybe some words and phrases to get by but nothing more. All promptly forgotten upon return, in most cases.

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by PurePugx3

I could see not knowing other languages aside from English, even with extensive travel. The last I knew, the American education system does not make learning foreign languages a requirement, unless the HS student is on track for university. Very opposite of Europe. Unfortunate, yet a reality for the US.

Taking vacations and such, most people aren't going to learn the language of the country they are visiting. Maybe some words and phrases to get by but nothing more. All promptly forgotten upon return, in most cases.

If you don't practice a language, you forget it. I used to study German for many years in school and was pretty good at it. Now, I don't remember anything. Granted, the hard German grammar was a nice basis for learning English later and German likely will come back to me faster if I need it, but for now it's gone... Heck, my mother tongue is quite pathetic. It comes to a point of not really being fluent in any language... However, even though I get by just fine, my standards are higher than many people's and it's depressing at times...

[nuala]

Originally Posted by PurePugx3

I could see not knowing other languages aside from English, even with extensive travel. The last I knew, the American education system does not make learning foreign languages a requirement, unless the HS student is on track for university. Very opposite of Europe. Unfortunate, yet a reality for the US.

Taking vacations and such, most people aren't going to learn the language of the country they are visiting. Maybe some words and phrases to get by but nothing more. All promptly forgotten upon return, in most cases.

The OP wants to live in a European country, looks like in France. Will she try to get by in English only? Why not learn a language on your own? (textbooks-fine, courses-fine, Berlitz-fine. Husbands are not the best teachers. Honestly, blaming school at 42 is too ...).

The second paragraph is just the answer to the OPs question why her MILs wouldn't learn English.

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by nuala

Husbands are not the best teachers.

I disagree. Languages are best learned on a shared pillow.

[nuala]

Originally Posted by sierraAZ

I disagree. Languages are best learned on a shared pillow.

Well, the certain subset of the language, for sure.

[zilums]

Originally Posted by Deja Vu Again

Kshe95,

It would be citizenship for the whole of Europe. Not just France. I could retire there (anywhere in Europe) and be a citizen and not worry about my 401K going to medical. Make sense?

Deja Vu-I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but you are not getting a citizenship of Europe. There is no such thing. You can get a citizenship of France if you will pass the test of speaking, reading and writing in French, so you better learn the language fast.
However, since France is a part of European Union, you would be able to live, work and retire in any country, that is also a part of EU. For example, Norway and Switzerland are not in European Union, so those are excluded. Even if you have the right to live in any EU contry, it's not all that simple. If you are a citizen of country A (France) and decide to live in a country B (Germany, Italy), after 3 months of living there you would have to register with the autorities of the country B. You would have to prove that you have a health insurance and sufficient funds to support yourself and/or a job lined up. They might deny you a registration certificate if you don't meet all the requirements. Also I seriously doubt that you will be getting a lot of benefits if you haven't lived and worked a day in Europe, so I'm hoping you are putting a lot into your 401k plan. Life in Europe is not cheap.
Anyway, good luck to you!

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by Deja Vu Again

Dear God almighty, where does one start? My goal with this thread is not so much to get pity but to know that I am not alone in this temporary hell I am going through. Anyone have foreign in-laws out there??

I have been married to my French husband for a near 5 years now. It hasn't been easy AT ALL. I feel I have "lost" myself in this marriage as he sort of the type...... it's either his way or the highway. He has a very short patience fuse (always has) and I find myself walking on egg shells or trying to keep the peace. But that is a WHOLE other thread.

My family is scattered. My mother lives across the country and my father and step mother live about 40 min away. We go to their house for T-giving for the day but that's about it. Sister is far... etc. So I don't spend holidays to much with them... if at all.

My in-laws are French. My FIL speaks ZERO English... ZERO. My MIL speaks about 40 words and that is if she is REALLY forced to. My French is OK but I can only speak it broken. I have taken 3 semesters of classes. My husband doesn't help me learn. He just won't speak French to me so I have been on my own. I am HORRIBLE at languages and if you know anything about learning them late in life... good luck. It's not that easy. It can take YEARS to get it down... and French verb conjugation is a killer. And they are more than happy to correct you when you are butchering their language.

We see them every Xmas. My husband is in finance so traveling to France for Xmas is a no go. He has to work hard to close the fiscal year. They usually travel here. MIL is 72 and FIL is 82. My MIL is clearly "losing" it. Every year she has tics that get worse and worse. She talks to herself ALL the time. She says C'est Bon (it's good) or cuss words to herself. No, she doesn't have Tourettes. If you didn't know better, you would think someone is in the shower with her. She puts ENORMOUS amounts of fabric softener in the bleach dispenser, washes MY darks with my whites along with their clothes. You get the picture... I'm constantly running behind them to make sure they don't cause some sort of disaster.

Her voice is loud and stern. By American standards, it sounds like she is pissed all the time but she isn't... it's just the way she talks. I grew up in a quiet house so this is a tough one for me. She has this creepy stare ALL the time. When I am doing something, she hangs over me and watches everything I do... even if I am at the table eating. Awkward. The MIL lets out HUGE burps and the father farts. My husband does too in front of all of us. Really?

They are here for 16 days (WAY TO LONG for American standards) One time it was three weeks and I actually had suicidal thoughts towards the end.

Now here is the latest for this experience. Mostly, my husband works so I am stuck with them ALL day. He rents them a car but they rarely use it. So, they are in the house ALL day.. hanging out, over taking the kitchen, living room, etc. I feel pushed out of my own house. I can't go to work as my company has a forced shut down and I can only go to Barnes and Noble so many times. I normally like my own space but I usually just hide in my bedroom while they are here. Not like I can have a deep and meaningful conversation with them so it's just awkwardness all day.

We all took a 1300 mile road trip. We went to Sedona, then headed to Vegas and then back home. We get to the resort and the room is not what I had thought we planned. I thought it was a suite with two rooms off to the side. Nope, it was one living room with a pull down Murphy bed (it looked like a double) The parents immediately went into the big King room (that's fine, they are old) but I just felt uncomfortable sleeping in the living room for two nights. I knew I wouldn't sleep on that bed well anyway.

My husband sees the "let down" expression on my face and says "I knew it! I knew it!" You didn't understand how the set up was going to be did you? He goes BALLISTIC. Ranting and raving saying that I am high maintenance blah blah blah. I'm not high maintenance, just want privacy especially since I am living on top of these people 24/7 anyway. He is yelling the entire time in front of his parents. I didn't say a WORD. I just let him do his thing. He went into the bedroom and told his parents that I wasn't happy and etc. The dad kind of laughed. I felt a little ganged up on. I told my husband that I understood what he said and he said "SO WHAT!"

I went to the front desk and BEGGED the guy to find us a separate room. He did and he even upgraded us. They closed off the original suite we had so it was only the parents king bedroom. My husband and I got an upgraded suite. He didn't charge us anymore which is good because if it had cost 5 cents more, I would have never heard the end of it. Thank god for that man.

The trip is isolating. They talk French but my husband doesn't translate. I usually sit at the dinner table fairly quiet. I try to speak French but it doesn't go far.

Then we got to Vegas and having Champagne for the night was of utmost importance. We passed a Safeway on the other side of the street in Boulder City (before you get into Vegas) my husband pointed it out but it was the last minute. I said "Do you want me to turn around?" and he said "awww.. ppppfft, forget it, too late, we will find something else" So, we get to the strip and then drive off the strip to find a grocery store. NOTHING in sight... just kept looking and looking... meanwhile my husband is yelling at me (parents in the back) telling me it's all my fault and that we should have stopped at the earlier place. I hadn't said more than 3 words when I said "Why don't you, and before he interrupted me, I was going to say "Why don't you check your iPhone for the nearest grocery store" and he said "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT F*UCK UP!" I said "wow!" and he said "yeah WOW!"

"We find a seedy liquor store, he gets out, stomps in.. stomps out and I said "what happened?" and he said "It was 40 bucks! Way too expensive! The grocery store would have been cheaper"....

So we were back to square one. Coming from a guy that makes 250k a year, you would think he would get the Champagne and be done with it. Meanwhile, it was still my fault for not stopping before even though I offered to in the first place. I can never win with this guy....

His mother has this HORRIBLE TB hacking cough and she never covers her mouth when she coughs... she does this in the car too. Last night, she set down a plate of cheese and crackers... just as she had it in her hand, she hacked a lung ALL over the plate. Needless to say, I didn't eat any of it.

I have until Monday to deal with this.... and I have to go back to work on Tues. So much for vacation... a total loss. I don't know how many more years I can do this. HELP!

Your husband does not appear to like you very much, much less truly love you

I would not live with a man who treated me so disdainfully, sorry you do.