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Stop this nonsense. This woman is "all over you" because of her marital situation...not in spite of it. Step back, and think for a minute, what you are doing. This chick is miserable at home, stuck (in her mind) in an arranged marriage, and then finds you, an affable, naive fellow to whom she can latch onto for emotional support. You need to back off....let her figure this out on her own. You are only muddying the water...she needs clarity - and so do you. Stop it. Tell her that she needs to figure this out with her parents, and that you can not be involved with any decisions she makes, and only AFTER she has taken legal steps to end the marriage, can you be in the picture. Really...it's ridiculous that you would even get involved in such a situation.
If she's genuinely being abused then tell her to contact her local women's centre for help and advice.
Be there for her, but try not to get too involved.
There will be all sorts of religious and family connotations and there is no simple answer to your problem I'm afraid.
As tempting as it might be, don't get involved with her romantically.
This will not be a pleasant time for her, you will also be a rebound love.
I'd almost guarantee it will end in tears.
Be there, support her, be her friend, but no more for now.
If love blossoms, then so be it, but be cautious.
Things are about to get VERY messy for her if she's about to leave and you don't want to get dragged along too.
I have had a bit of a whirlwind romance with a friend I have known through work the last couple of weeks. She started emailing me and flirting a while back and I confronted her about it in a friendly, cheeky matter. We met up after work and talked and she told me that she had a bad marriage and her and her husband had discussed splitting but she always felt trapped. I told her she seemed like a mirage because she seems like a perfect match for me but she is married. She said she is planning to leave and things started to get quite intense quite quickly . Things have escalated (in terms of making plans and intimacy) quickly because we have been friends for a while.
The trouble started when she rang her parents in south east asia (She is asian I am caucasian, we are in our early 30's) to tell them she wants to divorce her husband and she was told that her husbands family has business ties with her family and she is forbidden from getting a divorce. Her husband treats her like a 1940's wife and emotional abuses her. I really want her to leave him for my own reasons (I admit) but for her own happiness aswell she really cant stay. She is desperately unhappy. She says she is lost and confused but has no choice but to listen to her parents.
We are meeting up to discuss it tomorrow. What can I tell her in order for her to put her needs first?
I think you need to back away from this asian fluff faster than Usain Bolt. You haven't the slightest clue what this woman is about. She's married and gives a one-sided story about her troubled marriage so that some sucker can feel sorry for her and adjust his priorities. Don't be a desperado for God's sake. Tell this shallow woman to hit the road and find a good single woman who you have more in common with. Don't be suckered in by this woman's appearance and phony demeanor.
I understand that you are attracted to this women (I am betting that her looks are a large part of it) but I think it is extremely unwise to enter into such a highly dramatic situation when you are on the rebound from a marriage that was destroyed by infidelity. Where do you really expect this to lead?
Remove yourself from your emotions, think logically and extrapolate your future and I think you'll see that you are heading for the meat grinder. You CAN walk away now before anyone gets hurt.
Good luck.
Yep. You have to practical in these situations and not led by emotions.
OP, ask yourself, how can you be sure someone is "perfect for you" after knowing them for "a couple of weeks"?
You are right, it IS a mirage.
I will also caution you of the dangers of conducting an affair with a married coworker. Angry betrayed spouses tend to report such behaviour to HR and people get fired for this all. the.time. You are in an extremely vulnerable situation right now. I hope it is not too late for you.
I have had a bit of a whirlwind romance with a friend I have known through work the last couple of weeks. She started emailing me and flirting a while back and I confronted her about it in a friendly, cheeky matter. We met up after work and talked and she told me that she had a bad marriage and her and her husband had discussed splitting but she always felt trapped. I told her she seemed like a mirage because she seems like a perfect match for me but she is married. She said she is planning to leave and things started to get quite intense quite quickly . Things have escalated (in terms of making plans and intimacy) quickly because we have been friends for a while.
The trouble started when she rang her parents in south east asia (She is asian I am caucasian, we are in our early 30's) to tell them she wants to divorce her husband and she was told that her husbands family has business ties with her family and she is forbidden from getting a divorce. Her husband treats her like a 1940's wife and emotional abuses her. I really want her to leave him for my own reasons (I admit) but for her own happiness aswell she really cant stay. She is desperately unhappy. She says she is lost and confused but has no choice but to listen to her parents.
We are meeting up to discuss it tomorrow. What can I tell her in order for her to put her needs first?
Quote:
Originally Posted by capital-life
I understand that sentiment and that would be my usual course of action. I had been ignoring her subtle flirting for 6 months. It has been explained to me that their marriage hasnt functioned as a marriage for a few years.
Quote:
Originally Posted by capital-life
What you are saying makes total sense to me in my head, especially since I am the victim of someone seducing my wife causing my separation and soon to be divorce. I can't reconcile it with what is going on in my heart at the moment though.
I have met a whole bunch of girls who arent married recently but there are only a small amount of people that I tend to just 'click' with. I would normally steer clear given the trust issues involved but I have heard enough about his character to know that divorce is well warranted.
She came over about an hour ago (about 10:30pm) and was telling me that she spoke to her parents and they said she couldn't divorce her husband and they told her I couldn't support her. They dont know anything about me (I am a mid level exec and doing well for my age). She said we would have to be friends but she was all over me, hugging and kissing me. Her husband was ringing the whole time, I think something has gotten back to him since she talked to her parents. She left after about 10 minutes and is coming to talk again tomorrow. There was too much emotion to discuss what would make her happy in the long term.
She's already putting her own needs first. I've put the above in red because they are RED FLAGS.
You are being used.
She wants out of her marriage by any means necessary. And since her parents aren't "allowing" her to get a divorce, she's going for the reverse dump--cheat on the husband, let him find out, then let him initiate the divorce.
Maybe her husband's abusive...or maybe he's simply traditional by their culture's standards. (You don't mention where they are from other than SE Asia.) Have you actually seen them interact? You don't mention whether you've met him in person, or seen them together.
Maybe her marriage has been "dead" for a while; if it was an arranged marriage, and arranged for business reasons between the families, that wouldn't be surprising. That doesn't mean she should cheat on her husband. Or that you should join her in doing so.
Nor does it mean that she actually wants you. I'm sure you're a nice guy, but she chose you because you're convenient, not because she sees you as a long-term partner.
You even state that your own wife and someone else have been doing to you what you and this woman are doing to her husband. How's that for ironic! You've re-cast yourself from playing the victim to playing the seducer.
Spare yourself the pain. Run. Run far, run fast, run now. Settle whatever issues with your own wife remain to be settled. And let your friend solve her own problems.
She'll always be inclined to think of family's well being first
Quote:
Originally Posted by capital-life
Just wanted to get some tips.
I have had a bit of a whirlwind romance with a friend I have known through work the last couple of weeks. She started emailing me and flirting a while back and I confronted her about it in a friendly, cheeky matter. We met up after work and talked and she told me that she had a bad marriage and her and her husband had discussed splitting but she always felt trapped. I told her she seemed like a mirage because she seems like a perfect match for me but she is married. She said she is planning to leave and things started to get quite intense quite quickly . Things have escalated (in terms of making plans and intimacy) quickly because we have been friends for a while.
The trouble started when she rang her parents in south east asia (She is asian I am caucasian, we are in our early 30's) to tell them she wants to divorce her husband and she was told that her husbands family has business ties with her family and she is forbidden from getting a divorce. Her husband treats her like a 1940's wife and emotional abuses her. I really want her to leave him for my own reasons (I admit) but for her own happiness aswell she really cant stay. She is desperately unhappy. She says she is lost and confused but has no choice but to listen to her parents.
We are meeting up to discuss it tomorrow. What can I tell her in order for her to put her needs first?
Dude; you've only known this woman intimately for a couple of weeks, and you're getting into some major league drama. Asian societies are geared to the values of the traditional family. Many Asians will individually place their well being in jeopardy for "the family." Regardless of how she feels about her husband, or even her feelings about you, she will do what is traditionally correct in her society, and that is to honor the wishes of her family. Don't try to be Sir Galahad because you probably will make the situation worse for her. You're allowing your Western idealism clash with Eastern values, and believe me, they don't mix. Furthermore, when you meet her parents I hope for your sake that you're rich, handsome, and can speak their language because if not, they will suspect that she's insane or on drugs.
This is not a good idea all around. Find someone who isn't married.
Agreed.
Though forbidden love, Is exiting, Cause you know...It's forbidden.
And men always want what they can't have, Right guys?
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Don't be a sucker for this fluff
