I want to move, my wife doesn't. (guys, American, divorce)
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Ok, I shouldn't have said the "leader" of the household. That sounds bad.
Don't let that feminist browbeat you over the head. If you pay the bills, and you solve all the problems and accept all the responsibilities; then YOU ARE THE LEADER.
Sure, you listen to the input of your wife, and take her words under consideration; but only one person can lead and that is you.
Logically explaining things to a woman does not work, and he IS the leader of the household.
LucidKitty is right....and that leader business wouldn't go over too well in most households. I don't agree with that logical explanations don't work with women. I lived somewhere I couldn't stand for way too many years because it was better for everyone involved. I prefer logic over emotional garbage any day.
Now, if the DH were to come in and start laying down the law, he might get some emotion then. I don't do well with unilateral demands unless someone's life is at stake.
'Leader' may have worked back in the day but times have changed. Team, yes. Leader, no.
Here is my dilemma... My wife and I moved to NC from FL last year for a job opportunity for me. We lived in NC when we got married (we're currently 30 yrs old) and moved to FL back in 2006. We wanted to move to FL and we were both from there originally, so we moved there.
In FL, I was in real estate development and we were doing well until teh market crashed. I held onto my job through 2009 or so. Moved to NC in 2010 as I got a job offer I felt like I couldn't refuse. We have family in both FL and NC, so the move back to NC was tough on us, but we have a support system here in NC that is better than FL, just due to location of wife's parents. In FL, we have family in Central and South FL, but my wife's parents here in NC are in the same town. It does make it very nice to have so much help. The problem is, I miss FL and my family there more a lot, and I'm going into a new career now, which pay and retirement benefits in FL are SO much better than they are here in NC.
The problem is, after we moved to NC last yr the company I was working for (moved up here to work for) laid off a lot of people including me. My wife was happy in FL and we should have stayed. Now I feel like I'll never make it back because of the support system we have here and my wife (pretty much) not wanting to move back. Had I known, I would have never made the move here. I want to go back and my wife was on board to move back to FL until recently. Now she's saying she doesnt want to move away from NC and her parents. And I understand that. I love my wife and we have a strong bond. We love eachothernow more than we did when we got married. "We" are fine, but where we want to live are 2 different things.
I want to be fair and unbiased; I want honest feedback. It was ME that moved us to NC. I wish I could do it all over again, but what's done is done now. I'm going into a different career now, and the pay and retirement benefits in my particular field I'm going into are almost night and day. I did the math, between pay and retirement, over a 30 yr span (I'm 30, work til I'm 60) I can earn approximately $1.3M more in FL. This includes retirement benefits. I want to be the provider and take care of our retirement. In NC, I simply cannot take care of us financially the way I want to.
We also have 2 kids, very little. I understand how hard it is to take them away from my wife's parents that they see 3 times a week. On the other hand, I have family in FL that doesn't see them nearly as often. And I hate that. I have extended family that hasnt even met my youngest daughter yet, and they may not see until Thanksgiving 2012. This would make 2.5 yrs since some of my family has seen my girls. I hate that. Especially since family here sees them a lot.
Then there's the quality of life factor my wife brings up. Raising our girls in NC is better than FL. While I can see her point, where we lived in FL is very safe and schools are good (Seminole Co, FL). I checked on crime stats and schools, and they are actually as good if not better in FL.
Has anyone ever been in this situation? Am I being selfish? Should my wife follow me since I'm the "leader" of the household? I don't want her to be unhappy, but I don't either. Someone advise please...
I don't have an answer for you..
I will say that your case is a good example as to why people should stay single and RENT these days because the job market is not conducive to having families and you need to be able to pick up and move at a moments notice to take advantage of job opportunities.
Your wife also needs toughen up and realize that you won't be able to support her and the kids if you don't have a job.
She MARRIED YOU (for better or worse); not her family, so she should have never gotten married if she did not want to sever or sacrifice her family connections.
I will say that your case is a good example as to why people should stay single and RENT these days because the job market is not conducive to having families and you need to be able to pick up and move at a moments notice to take advantage of job opportunities.
Your wife also needs toughen up and realize that you won't be able to support her and the kids if you don't have a job.
She MARRIED YOU (for better or worse); not her family, so she should have never gotten married if she did not want to sever or sacrifice her family connections.
Getting married does not mean severing connections. It also does not mean becoming subservient to a man. If you want to squawk about that "leadership" b.s., go to Afghanistan. I'm sure some spineless, brainwashed woman in a burqa would understand you.
Don't let that feminist browbeat you over the head. If you pay the bills, and you solve all the problems and accept all the responsibilities; then YOU ARE THE LEADER.
Sure, you listen to the input of your wife, and take her words under consideration; but only one person can lead and that is you.
Feminist? Browbeat? Has got nothing to do with it. I bust my ass 10 hours a day at a job. Some women bust their ass taking care of house and kids. If I didn't work outside the home, I still expect a considerable stake in where we were living. Earning a paycheck is obviously important but it does NOT make anything else less important. Marriage is teamwork.
Until my DH earns so much money we wouldn't mind burning a pile of it for fun, there's no solo leader in this household.
Well, there's no leader in my household and we've been married 17 years. Certainly not 50+ years but it's nothing to sneeze at either. I think I will keep on keepin' on with what works.
Getting married does not mean severing connections. It also does not mean becoming subservient to a man. If you want to squawk about that "leadership" b.s., go to Afghanistan. I'm sure some spineless, brainwashed woman in a burqa would understand you.
Getting married does not mean severing connections. It also does not mean becoming subservient to a man. If you want to squawk about that "leadership" b.s., go to Afghanistan. I'm sure some spineless, brainwashed woman in a burqa would understand you.
I'd be VERY careful here, after living in South Florida for quite some time, there are many people who arrive in Florida expecting a dream.. only to face that little thing called REALITY. Life is tough in Florida, the job market is very rough, and everything is competitive. Don't forget the language barrier. I would take things MUCH slower, and also remember there is a HUGE wave of people leaving Florida to move to places like NC.
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