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Old 12-30-2011, 08:40 AM
 
Location: Oviedo, FL
5,699 posts, read 5,999,258 times
Reputation: 1709

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Hi everyone,

Here is my dilemma... My wife and I moved to NC from FL last year for a job opportunity for me. We lived in NC when we got married (we're currently 30 yrs old) and moved to FL back in 2006. We wanted to move to FL and we were both from there originally, so we moved there.

In FL, I was in real estate development and we were doing well until teh market crashed. I held onto my job through 2009 or so. Moved to NC in 2010 as I got a job offer I felt like I couldn't refuse. We have family in both FL and NC, so the move back to NC was tough on us, but we have a support system here in NC that is better than FL, just due to location of wife's parents. In FL, we have family in Central and South FL, but my wife's parents here in NC are in the same town. It does make it very nice to have so much help. The problem is, I miss FL and my family there more a lot, and I'm going into a new career now, which pay and retirement benefits in FL are SO much better than they are here in NC.

The problem is, after we moved to NC last yr the company I was working for (moved up here to work for) laid off a lot of people including me. My wife was happy in FL and we should have stayed. Now I feel like I'll never make it back because of the support system we have here and my wife (pretty much) not wanting to move back. Had I known, I would have never made the move here. I want to go back and my wife was on board to move back to FL until recently. Now she's saying she doesnt want to move away from NC and her parents. And I understand that. I love my wife and we have a strong bond. We love eachothernow more than we did when we got married. "We" are fine, but where we want to live are 2 different things.

I want to be fair and unbiased; I want honest feedback. It was ME that moved us to NC. I wish I could do it all over again, but what's done is done now. I'm going into a different career now, and the pay and retirement benefits in my particular field I'm going into are almost night and day. I did the math, between pay and retirement, over a 30 yr span (I'm 30, work til I'm 60) I can earn approximately $1.3M more in FL. This includes retirement benefits. I want to be the provider and take care of our retirement. In NC, I simply cannot take care of us financially the way I want to.

We also have 2 kids, very little. I understand how hard it is to take them away from my wife's parents that they see 3 times a week. On the other hand, I have family in FL that doesn't see them nearly as often. And I hate that. I have extended family that hasnt even met my youngest daughter yet, and they may not see until Thanksgiving 2012. This would make 2.5 yrs since some of my family has seen my girls. I hate that. Especially since family here sees them a lot.

Then there's the quality of life factor my wife brings up. Raising our girls in NC is better than FL. While I can see her point, where we lived in FL is very safe and schools are good (Seminole Co, FL). I checked on crime stats and schools, and they are actually as good if not better in FL.

Has anyone ever been in this situation? Am I being selfish? Should my wife follow me since I'm the "leader" of the household? I don't want her to be unhappy, but I don't either. Someone advise please...
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Old 12-30-2011, 08:54 AM
 
12,298 posts, read 7,314,367 times
Reputation: 9281
It sounds like she fears that the job market is still unstable there and just wants some degree of stability. Is that a possibility? Maybe she just needs more convincing with facts like about the schools and stuff (show her them, don't just tell her).

I would definitely say those words to her that you don't want her to be unhappy but you don't want to be either. That might impress upon her how serious you are and that she needs to compromise some.
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Old 12-30-2011, 08:57 AM
Status: "Yodeling in DewDropInn's hotel" (set 8 days ago)
 
Location: hunt valley
6,228 posts, read 2,745,724 times
Reputation: 2863
Sit her down and rationally explain this all to her. And you aren't 'leader' of any household, you 2 are a team that works together. And i can assure you that if you pull the old 'my word goes' bull you will cause a world of crap in your relationship.
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Old 12-30-2011, 09:02 AM
 
Location: ON, Canada
5,061 posts, read 2,493,539 times
Reputation: 8555
The part that I really zeroed in on is:

Quote:
I'm going into a different career now, and the pay and retirement benefits in my particular field I'm going into are almost night and day. I did the math, between pay and retirement, over a 30 yr span (I'm 30, work til I'm 60) I can earn approximately $1.3M more in FL. This includes retirement benefits. I want to be the provider and take care of our retirement. In NC, I simply cannot take care of us financially the way I want to.
Since you moved to NC and lost your job, can you guarantee that the same won't happen in your new career that you're just entering, or that even if you remained in that job until retirement, all the pension perks are guaranteed? What about cost of living in NC vs FL?

And you're right, the parental support system in the same town is huge. Being closer to extended family is not the same as having grandparents right in the same town. That would be tough to walk away from.

Lastly, no, your wife should not just follow you because you're the "leader". In marriage, you are a team, so decisions should be made jointly. Best of luck, this is a tough one.
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Old 12-30-2011, 09:04 AM
 
Location: Virginia
6,530 posts, read 9,118,419 times
Reputation: 3055
Took me forever to convince my wife to move FROM Seminole Cty Florida to Virginia... But yeah, Seminole was nice in comparison to much of the state.

But yeah, as was already said, you need to lay this out before your wife and let her understand the benefits of moving back to Florida and then let her weight that decision against what you all have in NC..... Who knows what she will decide, but at least it will be a decision based on full knowledge of the situation and what is ultimately important to her. (ie. Maybe being close to family with two small kids outweighs making more money?).
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Old 12-30-2011, 09:22 AM
 
Location: Emerald Coast, FL
4,472 posts, read 3,869,259 times
Reputation: 6919
Your financial projections are probably very inaccurate. You can't know that the FL job will continue more than a few years, and you may find that you are making either more or less with different benefits, and maybe in a new location once again.

Money shouldn't be the primary consideration - but should be in the top few. A great support system is a major benefit, too. If you won't be close enough to helpful family to get similar support, it may not be worthwhile to your wife. And does she like her inlaws enough to want them around all the time?

Good luck with your decision process, but be sure to make it a mutual decision. You may find that you can find a good job where you are if you really look.
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Old 12-30-2011, 09:26 AM
 
9,689 posts, read 6,930,675 times
Reputation: 5977
your past experience with jobs should tell you that sometimes a job isn't forever, so moving to fl is not assured you can stay for 30 years and make that million bucks. you also don't have to look at living where you are for the rest of your life. perhaps ask your wife to consider living where you do for 5 more years then make a move if you still want to. as far as family being far or near, unless they all live in one town then someone will be on the short end of the stick.
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Old 12-30-2011, 09:28 AM
 
Location: Oviedo, FL
5,699 posts, read 5,999,258 times
Reputation: 1709
Ok, I shouldn't have said the "leader" of the household. That sounds bad. And I dont want to come off that way, nor do I really think that way. My wife knows about the pay and benefits difference. She knows the c.o.l. is now much lower in Central FL than it is where we are now. I think it all has to do with her parents being so close.

When we lived in FL, my wife would come up 3-4 times a yr, and her parents would come down 2 times a year, so they did see eachother a lot. Now that we live here, we've only been down to FL 1 time as of today.

It's a lot easier for her living in FL to visit her parents in NC than it is for us to go down to FL to visit family. There's a lot more ppl in FL to see and it's hard for us to spread ourselves out enough to see everyone, and I hate it.

I know money isn't everything. I miss FL a lot, but I also want to take care of us financially better than I can here. I've seen people in our family saying "we have to save more for retirement" and I seem them stressing. I dont want that for us.

When it comes to schools/safety/etc, Oviedo FL blows where we are now out of the water, despite what many people think. But if you actually look up crime stats, it's a different picture. Oviedo is a fantastic place to live.
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Old 12-30-2011, 09:33 AM
 
Location: Oviedo, FL
5,699 posts, read 5,999,258 times
Reputation: 1709
See response in bold please...


[quote=TaoistDude;22324547]Your financial projections are probably very inaccurate. You can't know that the FL job will continue more than a few years, and you may find that you are making either more or less with different benefits, and maybe in a new location once again. It's a government job. I know what the pay is and the benefits are through the state of FL. I know what pay and benefits are here and compared the two.
Money shouldn't be the primary consideration - but should be in the top few. A great support system is a major benefit, too. If you won't be close enough to helpful family to get similar support, it may not be worthwhile to your wife. And does she like her inlaws enough to want them around all the time? It's the opposite. I'm around my in-laws all the time in NC.

Good luck with your decision process, but be sure to make it a mutual decision. You may find that you can find a good job where you are if you really look. Where I live in NC, pay is low. It's just the way it is. It's a very specific job, so I cant just get another job that pays more unless I move away.
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Old 12-30-2011, 09:47 AM
 
19,081 posts, read 12,319,320 times
Reputation: 13233
OP, do you actually have a job offer on the table?
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