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Unread 12-31-2011, 11:32 AM
Status: "RIP Ultimate Warrior." (set 12 days ago)
 
Location: South Arlington, Virginia
13,906 posts, read 15,152,578 times
Reputation: 13070
Quote:
Originally Posted by DancingQueen24 View Post
Hi Everyone,
I have been reading posts for a while and I have just recently come out of an abusive relationship. I have been trying to decide whether it was abusive or if it was in my mind (How they end up making you feel) We had been together before on and off for a few years, he treated me badly, had a bad temper but never hit me and we didn't spend enough time together really for me to see what he was really like. Time went on and we weren't in touch anymore, he was with a new woman, and I thought happy. I saw in the paper he had apparently been abusive to his partner. He denied this, but admitted to slapping her round the face. He then went to prison, he got a year. I was adament I wouldn't get back with him, he was writing to me from prison and I never replied. When he got out I stupidly met up with him because he told me he had changed, but never admitted to doing anything wrong, it was all her fault and that she put him in prison for nothing. He had a lot of anger towards her when I was with him and he made me believe she was a horrible person. We were together for almost a year and he was lovely at first, really seemed to have changed. His temper gradually came back and he started smoking weed again. He would put me down a lot, humiliate me in front of people and make me feel stupid. He would shout at me a lot, and although he never physically hit me, he did push me once and say he wanted to punch me in my face. That shocked me. He said I was mental and made em feel like it was my fault all the time. He ended up cheating on me and has now gone off with the other woman. She has more to offer him than me, but he has more or less moved in with her after one month. Quick involvement huh? At one point I actually thought he hated women. He would call his sister names and his Mother he didn't speak highly of at all.
He says his new girlfriend seems perfect and won't bow down to him like I did. Do you think he will be different with her if she stands up to him? Thing is, when I stood up to him, he would get worse and say I was shouting! I couldn't win. I felt like I couldn't do anything right.
Will he be abusive with her? Maybe he was abusive because of the drugs? If he stops that will the abuse stop? I know I shouldn't care now, I am free from it all now, but I am still angry and hurt I guess and I still care about how his daughter is. Any opinions would be most appreciated. Thanks for reading.
Until and unless he has gotten a wake-up call and full treatment for the issues that cause his abuse, he will likely abuse whoever he is with.
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Unread 12-31-2011, 12:33 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
6,370 posts, read 7,512,220 times
Reputation: 8148
Possibly. My first wife was always on my case and I didn't respond well to it. Was I abusive? Maybe. She never suggested that, but there were times I lost my temper and yelled at her. We had some nasty (verbal) fights. Today I'd call some of our behavior mutually abusive. I finally divorced her after 26 years and remarried.

In the 3.5 years I was with my second wife (before her sudden and unexpected death) we never had a heated argument, never raised our voices to each other. I thought I was in heaven.

My third wife and I have been together for 13 years. We've had a few "moments" but never raised our voices to one another, and it's been at least 5 years since the last argument of any kind.

So I do believe that some people bring out the worst in their partners. My first wife was (is) a nice lady in most respects. She's likable -- smiles a lot and laughs easily. Being her "ex" I've heard a few comments about her being a b***h, but I think most people enjoy being around her. My current wife even likes her! But for some reason she brought out the worst in me. I've also probably mellowed a bit with age. People do change, sometimes for the good.
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Unread 01-02-2012, 03:22 PM
 
6 posts, read 13,715 times
Reputation: 16
Thankyou everyone, thats really helpful. I know I shouldn't care and probably won't in time, but it's just hard getting over it all I guess. He flipped out with me over nothing, over me parking the car too far away from the shops, he said he wanted to punch me in the face just because he was getting angry that I had parked too far away from the take away shop and then I said I couldn't cope with an arguement that night. He went crazy and threatened me. I should've walked away then, but like you said, you blame yourself and think it's you. He went mad at me one day because I wouldn't reverse park the car, told em to take him home that I was pathetic. If I forgot how to get somewhere after only being once he called me Dumbo and pathetic. I think he is in denial. He shouted at me lot and never thought he was in the wrong. I think he thinks its the women that are making him like this, thats why he moves on when he feels himself becoming abusive, because he thinks it's them and not him.
Maybe he will change for the right woman?
He admitted to slapping another woman across the face and throwing an egg at her and then wondered why he blanked him in the street?! Crazy?
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Unread 01-02-2012, 03:28 PM
Status: "RIP Ultimate Warrior." (set 12 days ago)
 
Location: South Arlington, Virginia
13,906 posts, read 15,152,578 times
Reputation: 13070
Quote:
Originally Posted by DancingQueen24 View Post
Thankyou everyone, thats really helpful. I know I shouldn't care and probably won't in time, but it's just hard getting over it all I guess. He flipped out with me over nothing, over me parking the car too far away from the shops, he said he wanted to punch me in the face just because he was getting angry that I had parked too far away from the take away shop and then I said I couldn't cope with an arguement that night. He went crazy and threatened me. I should've walked away then, but like you said, you blame yourself and think it's you. He went mad at me one day because I wouldn't reverse park the car, told em to take him home that I was pathetic. If I forgot how to get somewhere after only being once he called me Dumbo and pathetic. I think he is in denial. He shouted at me lot and never thought he was in the wrong. I think he thinks its the women that are making him like this, thats why he moves on when he feels himself becoming abusive, because he thinks it's them and not him.
Maybe he will change for the right woman?He admitted to slapping another woman across the face and throwing an egg at her and then wondered why he blanked him in the street?! Crazy?
One thing my mother has drilled into me in 23 years of life. No person can ever change anyone who does not want to change or is not truly ready to take the steps to change. Most times a person has to hit rock bottom before they can change. Sadly for some that means six feet deep or 23 hours in the box.
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Unread 01-02-2012, 06:17 PM
 
Location: Happy in Utah
1,198 posts, read 1,929,027 times
Reputation: 823
Highly unlikely that he has changed. I dated a guy who was bad to his first wife, bad to his 2nd wife and I assumed he would be good to me(thank God I did not become wife number 3) He was emotionally abusive to me and on one occasion was physically abusive, it was vile and led up to our brake up. In all honesty i hope he has gotten help and is a better person when it comes to the woman in his life(If he has not, he is either going to hurt or kill some poor woman)
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Unread 01-02-2012, 06:25 PM
 
Location: Ohio
3,440 posts, read 1,904,295 times
Reputation: 2557
An abuser will NEVER change, it is only a matter of time before he starts on the new woman, my advice, unless there are children involved, sever ANY contact with this loser.

The "oh it is my fault he does that", "I know how he gets when he is ______" talk is common in abuse victims.

Chances are real good he grew up in an abusive household.
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Unread 01-03-2012, 12:09 PM
 
6 posts, read 13,715 times
Reputation: 16
Yeah I am annoyed with myself for not asking him if he was from an abusive family, although at the time, even though I had a feeling he was abusing me, and at one point I remember thinking 'this guy really hates women' and at that point I was wondering how I was going to get out of the relationship. It turned out he cheated and I was devastated - Why? when I should have been relieved. I guess its a pride thing and I am very angry that he treated me so badly and now he just moves into a new relationship and is all happy, and his new gf even posted on her Facebook "So happy today" that made me really mad and upset. Do you think the happy phase will wear off then? There was apoint where I had to rush home at lunch time as I realised I had forgotten to wash up and I knew if he saw that he would flip, thats not normal is it? Are they all the same with any woman then? Even if she is strong and stands up to him? He said to me that she is "Full of life and will stand up to him, not like me and that she's a challenge"
I would love to speak to his ex about her relationship with him as he told me it was all her cheatin nd that he went to prison for nothing, that she put him through hell. Maybe she was really a nice person.
What i don't understand is, how its fair that he is all happy now with someone new and I am still struggling to get over it all? Thanks for all your help by the way everyone
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Unread 01-03-2012, 12:29 PM
 
Location: in your dreams
8,528 posts, read 5,325,749 times
Reputation: 10257
Quote:
Originally Posted by DancingQueen24 View Post
Do you think he will be different with her if she stands up to him?

LOL, no! A woman unafraid to speak her own mind and stand up to a man is a serious threat to guys like this. It makes it worse since he has to employ any and all tactics to (try to) cut her down beneath his level.


Quote:
Originally Posted by DancingQueen24
He ended up cheating on me and has now gone off with the other woman. She has more to offer him than me, but he has more or less moved in with her after one month. Quick involvement huh?
I think guys like do whatever they can to FAKE being nice and pretend they are decent to anyone they date afterwards. (Especially if he's in a bind w/out a job or place to live.) But it all comes out eventually...

You say, she has more to offer than you? What, like a place he can live for free?! Guys like this make vicitms of the women they abuse, then turn around and play the victim role themselves so a new woman will take care of them. He will turn on her eventually, and the cycle continues..

Don't be dense, move on with your life.
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Unread 01-03-2012, 12:49 PM
 
Location: Delaware
830 posts, read 643,391 times
Reputation: 927
I am sorry to say I highly doubt it. Its his problem not yours and he will continue with that behavior. There is nothing you did for him to behave this way and dont question yourself again, please.
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Unread 01-03-2012, 12:51 PM
 
6 posts, read 13,715 times
Reputation: 16
Yeah she has her own place, he is more or less living there as he was staying with family since leaving prison! This new girl is the boss where he works, and her family own the place so he has more to loose I guess, which is what is making me think he may change for her. If he gets abusive he will likely loose his job and everything else, surely he wouldn't be stupid enough to risk that?
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