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Old 08-31-2007, 11:51 AM
 
Location: Tampa baby!!
3,258 posts, read 7,748,662 times
Reputation: 1806

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I recently wrote on here about my husband having an online thing with a lady in Canada. It was nearly two years ago I found out, however since pregnant at the time and all that is included in having a baby to take care of, never dealt with it really. I recently went out of town for a week to visit my mom so she could meet her grandson and see some other family. Well let's just say it was kind of awful. I couldn't wait to get back home, and even ended up coming home a day early.

It seems like since I have been home, I hardly think about it anymore. Also, he seems to be putting in a lot more effort as far as relations and communicating.

Has going away or "taking a break" helped to really work things out or atleast help cope with your decisions?
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Old 08-31-2007, 12:12 PM
 
Location: I'm not lost, I'm exploring!
3,402 posts, read 11,836,318 times
Reputation: 5708
It helped me a ton getting some space. Just like you, I panic'ed I think after about 2 weeks apart, I was so lonely, so depressed. If I hadn't had my family there I don't know what I would've done without their support! ...keeping the space between us, until I got OVER that feeling, was what saved my life. I now see him for the lying irresponisble immature deadweight that he was this entire time. All this time that he was screwing with other people's money and emotions, with all the lying and manipulating and guilt trips... I thought I was different, because we were a team trying to be better together, that he wouldn't do it to me. All it took was me being away before the fog lifted. I love him with all my heart, i don't know how I can despise him for what he is, and how many years he ruined, and still love him more than any man in my whole life ~ but thankyou space, without that space and that break, I would still be with him.

I had tried leaving before this, and always ended up coming back after a few days. (like it sounds like you did) But for all the best of intentions, I never could snuff out that feeling of discontent. Yea sure it was easy not to think about it once I got home, it's ALWAYS easier to overlook something, rather than disrupt your life... but you can't bury something that's wrong with the relationshp and expect it to GET BETTER. I wasn't strong enough to stay away long enough to see clearly on my own the first time. I stayed away on purpose long enough this time, to get past those "this is awful" feelings, before I knew I would have a clear enough perspective to really be able to trust my emotions.

You were gone for a week and it was awful? It was 3 months, before I stopped crying myself to sleep and forced myself to take control of my life, rather than be an attachment of someone else's. I'm stronger for it, and I'm happier for it. If I had followed my heart after I first left, and wanted to go back to him and pretend everything would get better if we just worked on it..... I would still be in the same boat I was in then.
You can't see clearly until you're done crying over him.

Best of luck....
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Old 08-31-2007, 12:23 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
4,739 posts, read 7,305,197 times
Reputation: 2944
Quote:
Originally Posted by floridadreamer View Post
I recently wrote on here about my husband having an online thing with a lady in Canada. It was nearly two years ago I found out, however since pregnant at the time and all that is included in having a baby to take care of, never dealt with it really. I recently went out of town for a week to visit my mom so she could meet her grandson and see some other family. Well let's just say it was kind of awful. I couldn't wait to get back home, and even ended up coming home a day early.

It seems like since I have been home, I hardly think about it anymore. Also, he seems to be putting in a lot more effort as far as relations and communicating.

Has going away or "taking a break" helped to really work things out or atleast help cope with your decisions?
Depends, I don't think alienating a loved one is ever a way to fix things even if you feel you need to do that at the time. I'm going to guess from what you've said that your around late 20's early 30's. Maybe he felt an online thing was'nt really cheating and now sees it through your eyes and things will be fine from here on....
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Old 08-31-2007, 12:54 PM
 
Location: Tampa baby!!
3,258 posts, read 7,748,662 times
Reputation: 1806
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rcm58 View Post
Depends, I don't think alienating a loved one is ever a way to fix things even if you feel you need to do that at the time. I'm going to guess from what you've said that your around late 20's early 30's. Maybe he felt an online thing was'nt really cheating and now sees it through your eyes and things will be fine from here on....
Where do you get that I was alienating him? By being upset about the OW?
It doesn't really matter whether he thought it was cheating or not, because that's not really the issue here. The problem was, I DO consider it being unfaithful in MY heart so was having trouble getting past it.

Being away probably helped me a lot more than it did him, but maybe "missing" me, made him realize what he would be losing if we couldn't get past it. Not having time to think about it for a week certainly made a difference.
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Old 08-31-2007, 01:06 PM
 
141 posts, read 525,001 times
Reputation: 127
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder"....or "you don't know what you have until it's gone"

Both of which could apply.
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Old 08-31-2007, 01:45 PM
 
Location: New England
786 posts, read 761,610 times
Reputation: 553
My wife recently went to visit her mum, about 900 miles away, for 10 days. Only spoke to her once while she was gone... and she called me (at work) that time. Absence did not make the heart grow fonder. The house ran so much more smoothly without her around. I could come home from work and find the place not a wreck, and find kids who had actually done stuff during the day while I was at work. Next time I think I'll suggest she make it a multi-week stay. Or better, maybe the summer of 2008.
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Old 08-31-2007, 01:53 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
4,739 posts, read 7,305,197 times
Reputation: 2944
Quote:
Originally Posted by floridadreamer View Post
Where do you get that I was alienating him? By being upset about the OW?
It doesn't really matter whether he thought it was cheating or not, because that's not really the issue here. The problem was, I DO consider it being unfaithful in MY heart so was having trouble getting past it.

Being away probably helped me a lot more than it did him, but maybe "missing" me, made him realize what he would be losing if we couldn't get past it. Not having time to think about it for a week certainly made a difference.
I was in no way saying you were wrong to feel the way you did. Yes leaving on your own is an alienation but you probobly felt you needed the time. I am in no way judgeing you....just giving I guess unwanted perspective...
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Old 08-31-2007, 03:00 PM
 
141 posts, read 525,001 times
Reputation: 127
Quote:
Originally Posted by shuke View Post
My wife recently went to visit her mum, about 900 miles away, for 10 days. Only spoke to her once while she was gone... and she called me (at work) that time. Absence did not make the heart grow fonder. The house ran so much more smoothly without her around. I could come home from work and find the place not a wreck, and find kids who had actually done stuff during the day while I was at work. Next time I think I'll suggest she make it a multi-week stay. Or better, maybe the summer of 2008.
Well...not in every case I guess.....
Sometimes it can be cause for celebration.
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Old 08-31-2007, 04:38 PM
 
Location: California
11,423 posts, read 16,365,704 times
Reputation: 12443
Quote:
Originally Posted by floridadreamer View Post
I recently wrote on here about my husband having an online thing with a lady in Canada. It was nearly two years ago I found out, however since pregnant at the time and all that is included in having a baby to take care of, never dealt with it really. I recently went out of town for a week to visit my mom so she could meet her grandson and see some other family. Well let's just say it was kind of awful. I couldn't wait to get back home, and even ended up coming home a day early.

It seems like since I have been home, I hardly think about it anymore. Also, he seems to be putting in a lot more effort as far as relations and communicating.

Has going away or "taking a break" helped to really work things out or atleast help cope with your decisions?
It looks like it helped, I think taking a break can help, it can make things clearer about how you feel about each other.
I'm glad it helped.
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Old 08-31-2007, 04:46 PM
 
Location: Midwest
799 posts, read 1,894,166 times
Reputation: 216
I always thought if someone asked for space or a breather, it meant they wanted out. If you want someone, you don't put them back on the market.
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