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Old 01-03-2012, 12:57 PM
 
Location: Austin
773 posts, read 981,000 times
Reputation: 930

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It sounds like the pizza incident got you thinking about your personal finances ... and this is always a good thing. If you don't want to foot the bill for more meals for four +, definitely make it clear to guests who you invite to your home that it's a "BYOF" (bring your own food) type of situation. Or, alternately, since you were watching a movie, eat your main meal beforehand (or after) with your GF and simply offer soft drinks and popcorn to guests.

But I'd be really careful to separate the issues. If your GF isn't doing anything to rack up unneeded debt, then perhaps you might simply be overreacting?
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Old 01-03-2012, 12:59 PM
 
2,677 posts, read 3,604,125 times
Reputation: 1330
Quote:
Originally Posted by supernaut112 View Post
It sounds like the pizza incident got you thinking about your personal finances ... and this is always a good thing. If you don't want to foot the bill for more meals for four +, definitely make it clear to guests who you invite to your home that it's a "BYOF" (bring your own food) type of situation. Or, alternately, since you were watching a movie, eat your main meal beforehand (or after) with your GF and simply offer soft drinks and popcorn to guests.

But I'd be really careful to separate the issues. If your GF isn't doing anything to rack up unneeded debt, then perhaps you might simply be overreacting?
I guess I was unclear in my OP. I'm not taking anything away from my gf, we have mutually decided to cut back on spending and pay off debt this year.

The issue isn't really related to her. I've just been looking the other way when other people have been coming over or when we go out with other people and I'm saying that this will need to change. My gf understands this also.
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Old 01-03-2012, 01:06 PM
 
Location: Austin
773 posts, read 981,000 times
Reputation: 930
Quote:
Originally Posted by katestar View Post
The issue isn't really related to her. I've just been looking the other way when other people have been coming over or when we go out with other people and I'm saying that this will need to change. My gf understands this also.
I got that impression, OP. You're definitely taking a reasonable approach to the way you entertain, and it's awesome that your GF is on board.

A few times I got stuck paying the tab for other people at cafes and restaurants because I failed to say, "Hey, we're running separate tabs," so I feel ya on the pizza sitch!
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Old 01-03-2012, 01:10 PM
 
Location: Atlanta
5,329 posts, read 3,755,823 times
Reputation: 4137
To me its kind of understood that if you INVITE somone over to your home, your footing the bill for any expenses like food, drinks, etc. I wouldn't expect to have to pull out my wallet if someone invited me over to their home.. I would however bring some drinks with me for EVERYONE, not just myself, be it wine or beer.. just depends on the inviters taste.

If I am out in a group then I wouldn't expect to foot the bill for the entire party just me and my SO.

My wife does have this one rule.. if we are entertaining out of town guests and we are eating out, we are footing the bill.. her rules, not mine..
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Old 01-03-2012, 01:12 PM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,022 posts, read 23,929,222 times
Reputation: 11309
Quote:
Originally Posted by katestar View Post
What part of OUR decision is not clear?
Look, for a very successful relationship, austerity must come from the partner who makes less or extremely less or nothing. Otherwise, it merely appears as power and control.

My father was the money man. Mom was the housewife and controlled the money.

Many rich men, wives control the money. And you probably know how sturdy their families are. I have seen such families. Housewives rule the house and the coffers.

Don't ask me how, it helps solidify the relationship perhaps. Of course, this assumes the wife is a responsible person.

Your money move simply sends the wrong signal. It won't work. Or try it and come tell us after 6 months.
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Old 01-03-2012, 01:19 PM
 
2,677 posts, read 3,604,125 times
Reputation: 1330
Quote:
Originally Posted by Antlered Chamataka View Post
Look, for a very successful relationship, austerity must come from the partner who makes less or extremely less or nothing. Otherwise, it merely appears as power and control.

My father was the money man. Mom was the housewife and controlled the money.

Many rich men, wives control the money. And you probably know how sturdy their families are. I have seen such families. Housewives rule the house and the coffers.

Don't ask me how, it helps solidify the relationship perhaps. Of course, this assumes the wife is a responsible person.

Your money move simply sends the wrong signal. It won't work. Or try it and come tell us after 6 months.
We combine our finances, so all financial decisions are ours. We both agreed two months ago that come January we are going to go on a strict budget and save money. We both realize the need for this. I didn't come at her demanding anything and no one controls the money. We make decisions collectively and don't make large purchases without consultation. There is no animosity in our relationship.
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Old 01-03-2012, 01:27 PM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,022 posts, read 23,929,222 times
Reputation: 11309
Quote:
Originally Posted by katestar View Post
We combine our finances, so all financial decisions are ours. We both agreed two months ago that come January we are going to go on a strict budget and save money. We both realize the need for this. I didn't come at her demanding anything and no one controls the money. We make decisions collectively and don't make large purchases without consultation. There is no animosity in our relationship.
In the course of four pages, I has become We. You are trying to convince yourself about something which you know is fraught with complexities. This is a gay relationship I see, so I can't be sure of the dynamic you have. But if this were a marriage/hetero relationship, it's heading only for strife.
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Old 01-03-2012, 01:30 PM
 
Location: Atlanta
5,329 posts, read 3,755,823 times
Reputation: 4137
Its ironic or funny, however you want to look at it, but when my wife and I first got married, I made most of the money so she controlled the budget.. now some 15 years later, she has passed me by in the money making department, yet she still controls the budget.. dammit.. :/
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Old 01-03-2012, 01:31 PM
 
Location: Noblesville, IN
3,658 posts, read 3,765,350 times
Reputation: 5980
Katestar...I hear what you're saying. The best advice so far, IMO, is to maybe head off the money issues with friends before the event. Money for long trips, switching who drives, gatherings etc. can all be dealt with simply, I think, with a quick comment as to how things will be divvyed. Certainly, your friends understand budgets and the fact that you're trying to accomplish something. I'm sure they'll understand that you can't always be the one who takes care of things...

Also, I think you're getting a lot of grief on a couple of points. You didn't ask your guests to pay for the pizza...it just set off a thought in your head as to how to deal with future issues. My goodness how some readers get ahead of themselves. And as for the credit card: I think you were clear that you two are making decisions together regarding your future...this reminds me of a similar sitch.

I used to work at an office where I frequently went to lunch with my workmates. Sometimes, I didn't have cash on me and they covered me. I would always reciprocate. However, sometimes, I simply wanted someones company and offered to pay for both of us b/c I was asking them to "disregard" their budget. So I would pay. I get that maybe your GF would want to cover her mom just that one time (or whatever) and it's times like those you're trying to avoid. I totally get it. It's not a matter of control; it's a matter of self control.

My husband and I also share our finances. We've been together for so long that it's the only way we know how. Regardless of who earns more, making decisions together is tantamount. So for all the dudes who think you're making mistakes...clear that out of your head. I think it's admirable to make a plan (that you know will be hard) and to stick to it. Good luck. And hey, what are you saving for? Anything good???
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Old 01-03-2012, 02:34 PM
 
2,677 posts, read 3,604,125 times
Reputation: 1330
Quote:
Originally Posted by ShellNic View Post
Katestar...I hear what you're saying. The best advice so far, IMO, is to maybe head off the money issues with friends before the event. Money for long trips, switching who drives, gatherings etc. can all be dealt with simply, I think, with a quick comment as to how things will be divvyed. Certainly, your friends understand budgets and the fact that you're trying to accomplish something. I'm sure they'll understand that you can't always be the one who takes care of things...

Also, I think you're getting a lot of grief on a couple of points. You didn't ask your guests to pay for the pizza...it just set off a thought in your head as to how to deal with future issues. My goodness how some readers get ahead of themselves. And as for the credit card: I think you were clear that you two are making decisions together regarding your future...this reminds me of a similar sitch.

I used to work at an office where I frequently went to lunch with my workmates. Sometimes, I didn't have cash on me and they covered me. I would always reciprocate. However, sometimes, I simply wanted someones company and offered to pay for both of us b/c I was asking them to "disregard" their budget. So I would pay. I get that maybe your GF would want to cover her mom just that one time (or whatever) and it's times like those you're trying to avoid. I totally get it. It's not a matter of control; it's a matter of self control.

My husband and I also share our finances. We've been together for so long that it's the only way we know how. Regardless of who earns more, making decisions together is tantamount. So for all the dudes who think you're making mistakes...clear that out of your head. I think it's admirable to make a plan (that you know will be hard) and to stick to it. Good luck. And hey, what are you saving for? Anything good???
The bolded is what I was talking about. The two of them would go to the supermarket for one item and come out with $20 worth of stuff - stuff her mom needs, stuff we need and my gf will use the card to charge it. I have had no issues with this, but with our new plan, I already explained to my gf that we can't continue to do this. Her mom can wait until she gets her next check to get whatever it is she needs. This is what I meant by "taking the card away." You're right, its not about being in control, its about all of us having self-control.

And you're right I didn't ask to pay for the pizza and I'm not accusing either of them, I am just trying to figure out how I will deal with this in the future since I'm going to have to ask them to pay. In my OP I was trying to convey that I am very uncomfortable asking people for money.

Also, it's happened a couple of times that my gf and I want to order take out. We ask her mom what she wants out of courtesy...my expectation is that the mom should offer to pay for her share. This doesn't always happen and I have never asked her for $$. I am trying to be careful as to how I approach this situation going forward, because from now on, I want to make it clear that I cover my gf but that doesn't mean everyone is covered.
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