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What is a single parent to do? Simple: Put your children FIRST. Their emotional and physical needs come before yours.
When I was divorced my kids were 8 and 14--delicate ages. Their dad moved in with another woman immediately and basically shut them out. I saw how devastated they were--they "lost" their dad to another woman.
Even though I dated casually, I knew they needed me to be 100% there for them as a parent so I never brought another man into their lives on a permanent basis. Too many things could have gone wrong with that scenario (as a previous poster mentioned, you can't predict who will cheat, abandon, become an addict, be abusive, have hidden baggage, etc.).
That was my choice, but I did it for them. When they are out of the nest in a few years I may or may not decide to partner up. I don't regret my decision to remain single. I know I did the right thing because I was able to create a stable, safe place for them as they grew up.
Not saying everyone should follow this path--my situation and their needs were unique because of the abandonment by their dad right out of the gate. But this is an example of putting the kids first even if it's not "fun" and fulfilling for the parent at the time.
I think single parents often give their kids too much attention, and that it would actually be better for them to have a mother who is in a healthy relationship than one who is over-stressed and over-caring.
I don't see how a parent who doesn't have have a life of his/her own is more fit to teach their children how to live than one who lives a balanced life.
So not having a live-in partner means not having a life? No, I don't think that's what you meant.
My time is divided pretty evenly between my job, my family, my hobbies and my friends. But every decision I make considers the needs of the kids first. Maybe others have more trouble maintaining that balance, I don't know.
Everyone needs to decide what is best for their family. In our case, me going out looking for a new daddy was NOT what they needed.
What do you expect us to say? If you want someone to give you sugar coated answers that only agree with you, just say so. The reality is that when you make such a permanent decision, you live with it.
What is a single parent to do? Simple: Put your children FIRST. Their emotional and physical needs come before yours.
When I was divorced my kids were 8 and 14--delicate ages. Their dad moved in with another woman immediately and basically shut them out. I saw how devastated they were--they "lost" their dad to another woman.
Even though I dated casually, I knew they needed me to be 100% there for them as a parent so I never brought another man into their lives on a permanent basis. Too many things could have gone wrong with that scenario (as a previous poster mentioned, you can't predict who will cheat, abandon, become an addict, be abusive, have hidden baggage, etc.).
That was my choice, but I did it for them. When they are out of the nest in a few years I may or may not decide to partner up. I don't regret my decision to remain single. I know I did the right thing because I was able to create a stable, safe place for them as they grew up.
Not saying everyone should follow this path--my situation and their needs were unique because of the abandonment by their dad right out of the gate. But this is an example of putting the kids first even if it's not "fun" and fulfilling for the parent at the time.
You are exactly right a parent should always place their kids needs wants and desires ahead of their own. However what I think's been lost in this way of thinking is once a person has children that their lives are over that they need to live every breathing waking moment for their children, and that in our minds is not fully healthy but limits the parents life and level of fulfillment. We see your point and as your self said for you and your children given your ex's position was the best move for you.
You can also spin that the other way, by showing your kids that no matter what happens in life you can still rise above it all and show them that Mom/Dad can do this on their own and everyone benefit from it and be better off as well. While we acknowledge that most likely (and we've not seen the numbers on this) more times than not jumping in and out of relationships isn't healthy, but maybe one can explain to their children look Mom and Dad don't love one another like a Husband and Wife should to stay married and we felt it best that things change a little and Dad/Mom will be living away in their own home now. Once there's been a transition/adjustment period then we feel it's ok for the parent to start dating again, we understand one shouldn't be bringing diff dates home or introduce them to your children, if you meet someone that's your soulmate and eventually get serious and they become someone your willing or go to marry it shows the children that their parent can learn from their mistakes and get it right the next time, and to us there is nothing more powerful than a parent showing their children that it's not the # of times you get knocked down but the # of times you keep getting back up to get back in life.
So not having a live-in partner means not having a life? No, I don't think that's what you meant.
My time is divided pretty evenly between my job, my family, my hobbies and my friends. But every decision I make considers the needs of the kids first. Maybe others have more trouble maintaining that balance, I don't know.
Everyone needs to decide what is best for their family. In our case, me going out looking for a new daddy was NOT what they needed.
Maybe then that was the best thing for you to do all together, cause apparently you feel it wold be percieved as you looking for a new daddy.
How about spin that in a positive light and that Mom/Dad has healthy relationships with Men/Women and not involve their kids, until that is they meet that soulmate.
I think single parents often give their kids too much attention, and that it would actually be better for them to have a mother who is in a healthy relationship than one who is over-stressed and over-caring.
I don't see how a parent who doesn't have have a life of his/her own is more fit to teach their children how to live than one who lives a balanced life.
HUH? We mean the perception that some have that a single parent should once they have kids just be confined to sitting at home watching TV and interacting with their children.
We understand a person has to do what's best for them but there is no one way for everyone to do things as has been portrayed by many folks responses to many of these blogs. Because not everyone situation is the same, some have unique situations, others have more strong minded and well adjusted children who can handle and understand their parent entering the social world again.
Again were not saying that relationships especially if they are just dates or casual relationships need to be paraded infront of the chidlren, but it's ok for the single parent to want a life and have one, the perception that a single parent is resigned to only being a parent or sitting on the couch, that's an archaic way of thinking and we must move past that way of mentally handicaping ourselves. If you recall divorce was the taboo years ago, if you were divorced no one would come within a 100 miles of you, heck even if you were widowed, now divorce is so common these days that it's as acceptable as abortion has begun to be used as a virtual method of birth control to correct ones error in judgement.
Maybe then that was the best thing for you to do all together, cause apparently you feel it wold be percieved as you looking for a new daddy.
How about spin that in a positive light and that Mom/Dad has healthy relationships with Men/Women and not involve their kids, until that is they meet that soulmate.
I agree. Like I said, I do date, and I am happy with my social/sex life. It is separate from family life for now. If I did meet my soul mate, then I would certainly not shut the door on that. But I think there is a lot to be said for taking things slow and living apart until everyone (including and especially preteen and adolescent children) are comfortable with cohabitation. If that person really is right for me, the integration into my family will be natural and positive. Maybe that will happen but it would be against my instincts as a mom to force it on anyone unwillingly.
But I guess everyone here has seen ad nauseum the case of single moms putting their "need" to be with a man ahead of ther kids' needs. It seems more common than my situation, sadly.
There are soooo many risks for single moms when it comes to relationships, and those risks are doubled for their children. I do not think I have done a disservice to my daughters by not demonstrating that I can get into a "healthy" one. I think they learn more from seeing a self-confident, self-supporting mom than a mom who is perpetually on the lookout for that perfect man.
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