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Old 01-05-2012, 02:08 PM
 
1,590 posts, read 1,275,129 times
Reputation: 2449
Quote:
Originally Posted by darrensmooth View Post
come on now....she probably feels ashamed (which she shouldnt) rape is a pretty traumatizing experience and it just happened, she may change her mind when it is not quite so fresh/raw in her mind.
I have no experience with situations of this nature and a delicate approach is probably the best way to go...but that post really infuriated me. She needs to do something ASAP. My apologies OP but please do something. Contact the authorities and let them decide what is considered rape and what isnt.

 
Old 01-05-2012, 02:10 PM
 
Location: locus amoenus
1,777 posts, read 1,779,098 times
Reputation: 1913
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilamx View Post
The funny part is that night, after it all happened, though I felt very ashamed and bad for what had happened (because I had told myself a million times I wouldn't sleep with him!!), I couldn't hate him that night. I would look at his eyes and his smile and I just couldn't. I liked him from the first moment I saw him and that's what I saw. It was only this morning that I felt extremely horrible. Like I said, I even sent him a sweet good night text (so even if I did file a police report, he can always show that). This morning, thinking more straight, I made a recollection of everything that happened and I felt horrible. Why would he go ahead and do it when I said NO? Sure I was there and we were hugging, but he still could've respected my decision. I guess he's not as good as I thought, you guys are right.
We're not saying he's not "as good". We're saying he committed a crime.

I really don't want to be hard on you because you're VERY OBVIOUSLY not to blame for what happened, but something should be done about this.
 
Old 01-05-2012, 02:10 PM
 
93 posts, read 17,929 times
Reputation: 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilamx View Post
The funny part is that night, after it all happened, though I felt very ashamed and bad for what had happened (because I had told myself a million times I wouldn't sleep with him!!), I couldn't hate him that night. I would look at his eyes and his smile and I just couldn't. I liked him from the first moment I saw him and that's what I saw. It was only this morning that I felt extremely horrible. Like I said, I even sent him a sweet good night text (so even if I did file a police report, he can always show that). This morning, thinking more straight, I made a recollection of everything that happened and I felt horrible. Why would he go ahead and do it when I said NO? Sure I was there and we were hugging, but he still could've respected my decision. I guess he's not as good as I thought, you guys are right.


No is no. You have to do something about this or it will eat you up for a longtime. I would talk to a lawyer because doing anything else..preferable a female one as I think youd be more comfortable! Best of luck to you! Additionally, I would get this thread deleted, especially the part about saying you werent raped!
 
Old 01-05-2012, 02:12 PM
 
1,943 posts, read 1,904,233 times
Reputation: 2621
As the facts are stated, this seems pretty clear to be rape. No matter what "signs" someone gives, saying no= not giving consent.

However.....it's unfortunate but it sounds like even if the OP did go to the cops, she would have a hell of a time having this case proven, particularly since she is then texting the guy back. It sucks, but that's being realistic. I once saw a friend go through a rape case that was pretty cut-and-dried, and the way the defense dragged her character through the mud was appalling.

I still think really considering how you view "good" and "bad" people--with the help of a professional--would be a good idea. It's scary that you think someone with a good job can't do terrible things and it sounds like you value yourself little if you still seek attention from this man.
 
Old 01-05-2012, 02:13 PM
 
946 posts, read 1,253,095 times
Reputation: 1018
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChiGuy2.5 View Post
It sounds to me like the O.P would have had sex with him, she felt it wasn't time yet though. The fact that she continued to say no should have backed him away but he didnt. I know legally this is rape and the only thing that makes it different is the fact that she wasnt kicking and screaming for help.

The O.P makes it sound like she just feels used and now its very awkward for her. I dont think going to the cops about it is the right way to go either if she agrees. She probably did give him all of the signs, except saying no of course. She doesn't sound like she wants to get him in trouble, she just really wishes it didn't happen and is coming here to confide in all of you to hopefully offer up some emotional advice. She probably isn't looking for legal advice or something to retaliate.

Im curious though, to the OP. Did you enjoy the sex? Or did you literally feel raped? Because you could be saying no because you thought the timing was wrong or you werent emotionally comfortable, or was it because you were repulsed by him? This could be a deeper conversation then most have made it out to be.

I hope I dont get flamed for this because I am somebody who sees the rape aspect, but I just want to shine some light on the fact that this girl does care for this guy and it sounds like a part of her wanted to have sex eventually.
Thank you, you're right. I don't want to pursue this legally. I came here to vent. I didn't enjoy the sex. How could I? I liked this guy and wanted to get to know him better before that happened. But putting myself in that position was of course wrong of me, it invites all types of things. I'm starting to pay attention to all those previous signs, and I know I shouldn't be seeing him again.
 
Old 01-05-2012, 02:14 PM
 
Location: Texas
748 posts, read 456,367 times
Reputation: 841
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilamx View Post
I'd feel much better NOT filing a police report (what proof would they have anyway?) and just keep from seeing him again. I owe myself better.
Maybe you'll feel better after you find out that he's done this to some other woman before or after doing it to you. I'm not trying to beat you up but by not reporting this you are tacitly condoning what he did to you. You know in your heart that if it wasn't wrong you would not be writing about it in here.

You say "Maybe I put myself in the position for this to happen..." That's BS. NO MEANS NO!!

WHY WOULD YOU ALLOW SOMEONE TO RAPE YOU AND DO NOTHING ABOUT IT???!!! YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF AND THE FEMALE GENDER TO ADDRESS THIS. Please don't let him get away with this. People like this have to be stopped.

I know it's difficult, but doing the right thing is often difficult. I have a very close friend who was date-raped by a seemingly nice guy that we all knew fairly well. He was the friend of a mutual friend that she and I had. I supported her completely when she finally told me what had happened and we put the law on his sorry a$$. It was hard for her but she made it through the entire ordeal and came out a much stronger person for having pursued the matter. In the end, he got what he deserved.
 
Old 01-05-2012, 02:15 PM
 
Location: locus amoenus
1,777 posts, read 1,779,098 times
Reputation: 1913
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilamx View Post
Thank you, you're right. I don't want to pursue this legally. I came here to vent. I didn't enjoy the sex. How could I? I liked this guy and wanted to get to know him better before that happened. But putting myself in that position was of course wrong of me, it invites all types of things. I'm starting to pay attention to all those previous signs, and I know I shouldn't be seeing him again.
If you walk around a bad area at night, that's unwise... But if someone kills you while you're doing that, it's still murder and you're a victim of it.
 
Old 01-05-2012, 02:16 PM
 
946 posts, read 1,253,095 times
Reputation: 1018
I'm not stupid... I'm really not. Had this happened to a friend, I'd probably be saying the same things you guys are telling me. But please understand, I liked this guy a lot before all this happened. I'm not thinking with a cold head...it's still very fresh and I can't look at this situation objectively just yet. I just need some time.
 
Old 01-05-2012, 02:16 PM
 
Location: Westminster, CO
516 posts, read 323,879 times
Reputation: 1123
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheEssex View Post
Additionally, I would get this thread deleted, especially the part about saying you werent raped!
This might be the worst advice you've recived up to this point. Not only will it still be available to anybody with half a brain that knows how to Google something (Google caches EVERYTHING), it will look like you made this thread to get advice, didn't hear what you wanted to hear, so you deleted it because you thought it hurts your standing.

If you're going to do anything, stop posting anymore details or how you feel about it and call a laywer to get a consultation.

Yes, because of this thread, and your sweet little text saying goodnight, it's going to be harder to get anything to stick but at the very least you'll put this guy out there so people really know what kind of man he is.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lilamx View Post
I'm not thinking with a cold head...
No, just with an empty and selfish one. The next woman might fight and not be so lucky. You want him murdering a potential rape victim next because. . .why?
 
Old 01-05-2012, 02:17 PM
 
Location: Katonah, NY
15,779 posts, read 7,856,168 times
Reputation: 15654
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilamx View Post
Thank you, you're right. I don't want to pursue this legally. I came here to vent. I didn't enjoy the sex. How could I? I liked this guy and wanted to get to know him better before that happened. But putting myself in that position was of course wrong of me, it invites all types of things. I'm starting to pay attention to all those previous signs, and I know I shouldn't be seeing him again.
1. You didn't enjoy the sex because it wasn't sex. It was rape. They are not the same thing.
2. Hugging someone or cuddling someone is not necessarily a bad position. I've been in the throes of passion with someone but wasn't ready to make that final leap - and it was NEVER a problem. Anyone who is not a rapist stops when the other party says no.
3. You were raped. It's scary to accept that something that awful happened to you but it did. You are going to have to deal with it. You didn't ask for it. You didn't deserve it. He is not a good guy. He is a rapist.
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