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Old 01-05-2012, 04:32 PM
 
1 posts, read 485 times
Reputation: 13
Default caught in a bind

So here's what's going on:
I'm in my mid 20's and I recently met an amazing woman 2 years older than me who has 2 young daughters (2 years old and 4 years old). I don't mind that she has children, I love kids and I'm crazy about hers. We've been working through is pretty well but at times I feel like she doesn't think I can handle being a potential stepfather and she gets upset. I reassure her all the time that it doesn't bother me and I could be a great father but I feel like she expects me to have a problem with it.
I think the problem lies with her expectations of someone my age. Not many guys would want the responsibility of having to deal with the "baggage" but I look at it as a blessing. I don't know how to make her see that I'm serious about being dedicated to the 3 of them, I've tried talking to her but she doesn't seem to get it.
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Old 01-05-2012, 04:36 PM
 
1,590 posts, read 1,275,129 times
Reputation: 2449
Let your actions do the talking.
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Old 01-05-2012, 04:36 PM
 
Location: Utah
1,429 posts, read 944,064 times
Reputation: 685
The only thing that will change a womans mind is time. You need to prove this too her on a regular basis over many years.

She is a mother hen who is protecting her chicks and I admire her for it.

She is out to protect her children and it is hard for a mother to not be over protective of her babies when a man comes into the picture.
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Old 01-05-2012, 04:40 PM
 
Location: Long Island
4 posts, read 1,515 times
Reputation: 10
Do you know what your getting into? The only reason I'm asking is because my last relationship was 2 years with a single mom and I became very attached to her son and him to me. When we parted I had a harder time dealing with the separation from her son than her. Just food for thought.

My best guess is that your not the first to say they can handle a father role towards her children only to not be be able to and bail. She also might be shielding her children. No words are going to help you, actions will. Be there for her and her children and take it day by day.
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Old 01-05-2012, 04:47 PM
 
Location: Hollywood, CA
840 posts, read 660,880 times
Reputation: 1557
She probably has a feeling that you will eventually "rank out" like most men would and she doesn't want her children to become attached to you if that happens.

On the other hand, she should not expect you to become a stepfather so quickly and know there isn't going to be any guarantee.

She will have to learn how to slow down and let the relationship take its course and not expect whoever she ends up being with to be her children's father. They should already have one.
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Old 01-05-2012, 04:54 PM
 
Location: Long Island
4 posts, read 1,515 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by behindthescreen View Post
She will have to learn how to slow down and let the relationship take its course and not expect whoever she ends up being with to be her children's father. They should already have one.
Good point. I'd the children's father is still active in their life and he is a good man there will be no need to play full time step dad.
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Old 01-05-2012, 04:56 PM
 
Location: Utah
1,429 posts, read 944,064 times
Reputation: 685
Quote:
Originally Posted by Barny Rubble View Post
Good point. I'd the children's father is still active in their life and he is a good man there will be no need to play full time step dad.
Play full time step dad?

Being a part time step dad is nothing to play about!

My real biological father isn't worth a dime.

My step father is who I call my dad and my father. He is the one who worked twelve hour days to make sure that me and my brothers and sisters were taken care of. He is a real man.

Your choice of words can be revealing.
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Old 01-05-2012, 05:05 PM
 
Location: Nebraska
4,179 posts, read 5,401,798 times
Reputation: 9184
After my divorce, I was raising two sons on my own. I never ever let my children even meet the guys I dated for the first several months - they knew I had kids, and that was all. (My ex didn't want to be a father, so that was a non-issue.) But there was no way I was going to let my kids like a guy I was dating until I was sure he was the one they would see every day - and there was no way I was going to let some guy use my kids to influence me.

It took six months for me to even bring my kids over to my current DH's house for an afternoon BBQ to meet him, and two more months before I spent the night with him and my kids... and I'd known him since we were 14! We didn't move in together for a year, married 3 months later. A year later he adopted my sons, and after that they were HIS kids too - none of that "stepchild" or "He's YOUR kid, YOU deal with him!" stuff.

Anybody can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad. And there was no way I was going to settle for less for my - OUR - children. Give it time.
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Old 01-05-2012, 05:10 PM
 
Location: Arizona
1,192 posts, read 1,112,375 times
Reputation: 1468
IMO, you both just need to slow it down. Sounds as if you two haven't been dating for long.

Maybe she had a previous relationship where the guy said he was fine and dandy with everything only to not be and she and the kids got too attached.

Give it time. Actions speak louder than words and if you truely want to be with her and be the stepdad, she will see that in time.
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Old 01-05-2012, 05:13 PM
 
Location: ON, Canada
4,607 posts, read 2,146,427 times
Reputation: 7823
Quote:
Originally Posted by RyanKlO View Post
So here's what's going on:
I'm in my mid 20's and I recently met an amazing woman 2 years older than me who has 2 young daughters (2 years old and 4 years old). I don't mind that she has children, I love kids and I'm crazy about hers. We've been working through is pretty well but at times I feel like she doesn't think I can handle being a potential stepfather and she gets upset. I reassure her all the time that it doesn't bother me and I could be a great father but I feel like she expects me to have a problem with it.
I think the problem lies with her expectations of someone my age. Not many guys would want the responsibility of having to deal with the "baggage" but I look at it as a blessing. I don't know how to make her see that I'm serious about being dedicated to the 3 of them, I've tried talking to her but she doesn't seem to get it.
I don't know how recent it is that you met her, and you can't unring a bell, but if it's less than six months (roughly), I would really try to minimize the time you're around the children. In the early stages of a dating relationship, you need time to establish if the two of you can be compatible in the long-term, before getting the children involved and attached to you. If you can't make a go of the relationship, then the children aren't impacted so greatly. Once you know you're in it for the long haul, that is a better time to get to know the children.

If the biofather is involved, always respect his role and that you are not a replacement but rather a supplemental male role model.
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