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**ANYONE** how should Robyn handle Alex's silence about his father's behavior?
Should Alex be spoken to about answering questions honestly, even when they incriminate his father?
I think so, just not sure how they go about it. I know they don't want anyone to "prep" children before testifying. But I don't feel it's wrong to assure Alexander that he will always have his father, but that they cannot live by ib's life standards, meaning Alexander would have to talk honestly to the legal system.
The kids need a third party to talk to about what is going on. Robyn, they are so concerned about you, trying to make you feel better. And I'm sure that they are doing something similar when they are with their dad. They need a counselor- someone that they can open up to without worrying that it will hurt your feelings or their dad's.
I've been wondering if A isn't getting hurt as a "legal" way (in his mind) to express anger or emotional hurt. Maybe not consciously doing it, but subconsciously.
They really need to go to a counselor. Even professional counselors send their kids to other counselors during times like this because it is the separation of talking to a professional who is not emotionally involved in the proceedings that is important. Even if you said all the right things, it isn't the same as an uninvolved party saying the same thing. And it will validate and reinforce exactly what you are telling them.
I know that you are bending over backwards trying not to put them in the middle, but the fact is that they are in the middle. And they have no one that they can talk to who doesn't have a dog in the hunt. It must be very scary for them.
Rockky, your first paragraph is so elequently written ~ HIF, we posted over each other ~ you are right on.
Robyn, the kids will relax a bit if you can somehow separate ib from his behavior and allow them to miss & love him...making it clear that no one is allowed to mistreat them as he has. I still think the kids need to talk openly about this with an objective person...a counselor. Let's go back to someone's earlier suggestion that you speak with the school counselor and ask them to intercede with the kids, in assuring them that they need to be honest about events/experiences should they have the opportunity...you are not asking them to favor you...just for them to be honest & open. I am a middle school counselor, and I am asked to do this many times over. It's a tough call if I don't know the family, I don't know which parent is misrepresenting things, and I won't get involved, but as a mental health professional, I believe in reassuring the kids that they deserve to be loved and respected, and that the abusing parent may be doing their personal best, but it is not good enough. Once the kids "unload" to me, I have also testified in court, as to what the children have acknowledged. Confidentiality is not an issue here, as the children are being hurt emotionally and verbally.
This morning has been ok, I suppose since I have been tackling the dishes I didn't want to do.
Very cold here right now. Will call the guidance counselors today, I am not familiar with thim, as they have never been at this school before. Normally what they do, from past exp w A in ele school, is pull them out of class every few days, a class like gym, or something like that, and talk to them.
Gonna call their won counselor, I guess the money will come from somewhere. It normally seems to. Still dont know what he will try on Ffriday, how do I know? How can you predict what a crazy person will do? Thats what I feel like he is....a crazy person.
This morning I am not hurting or sad, I am ...numb. Does that sound right?
I am trying to get past things. I think I have done well getting past the past, it is the now. Working on the now.
Both kids seem to be ok this morning. Hot chocolate and oatmeal. A watched Dr Phil again.
School system is a P*I*T*A. Have been since the first day of school. Having an issue w rerouting L, but they go right down that street, dont get the big problem, or confusion.
Numb. just numb. Why numb? I guess thats better than the past 2 days. You know, talking to the lawyer and asking him to call ibs lawyer. I had to get up courage to do that. But I did do it. I have talked to ib about this is what we are going to have to do.
It is though there is a wrath that lies ahead of me that I can feel, his wrath. I know how my lawyer feels about it, which is nothing but the right way, but his lawyer, she thinks I am not a mother to the kids, etc, his story.
I have given my lawyer the whole story. I told him that I had migraines, that I have Ra, but also that these things have gone away.....and when. I have medical documents showing it.
If only I had the strength all of those other times, all of these years, to just call the police. I was so afraid.
What would I change. Kalo asked me this ?? the other day, I think it was referring to the here and now, but what would I change before..
I would love for things to have been ok, to be right for us. Maybe had I called the police those times, it would have been, it would have showed him, look, you cant go around killing cats, you cant take kids in a vehicle when you are drunk off your a$$, I suppose him taking the tires off of my car was not an offense.
So many things, so many times. You cannot put your nine yo son in a car to move it because you are to drunk to do it. it proceeded to then crash, and the windshield came in on him. He was not hurt.
I was too afraid. never did I call the police. He says I know I was wrong, that is why I have changed? I think he thinks his only problem was his drinking. Its the only thing he will 'own'. He does not remember trying to take the kids or removing three tires from my car and leaving the house w them in the back of his truck, he was too drunk to remember.
I just grinned, a small huff like laugh coming out. Why? Where was my strength? It was not with me. I was but nothing. Nothing but a scared woman. I was working, but adding things up, I could not afford everything. If I left, I could not afford everything. He would not leave. Lord, I had asked him to leave so many times, just so many, never would he leave, not ever.
I think if I called him this minute and said, ya know, we should get back together, he would probably do it, no matter how he has treated me since our separation, no matter what he and his mother did, yes Sun, it is still with me, not my dream come true (LOL)
It is the twistedness in his mind that allows this. Maybe he wouldn't, I can't speak for him, but the last time I talked to him, face to face, he asked me if I was sure about this, if I wanted to get back together.
L has told me there is frost outside. I will def have to get ready to leave early, my defrost does not work properly in my car, and there is no heat. Not after my general Lee stunt. I did that by accident, thoughts running through my head, one day, on my way to kalos, I was going to was clothes, and I drove right past her house, it was a Tuesday. I was so mad about work, about ib, just eveything. I had no idea that her house had been passed and before I knew it I came upon train tracks, that I knew were not on the way to her house, and I was going a pretty good speed. Probably only 35 I guess. DU DU DU DU DU DU DU DU DU DUDOOO!
Not a good thing. This has become a novel, a numb novel. Must get ready for work....
I pray for peace and tranquility for you today my friend. May our Father wrap his loving arms around you and let you know you are not alone. Rest your burdens at His feet and remember He will never put bigger mountains in front of you than you can climb. He tells us to bring our weariness before Him, do that today.
Let your heart be filled with His light and love. I ask for serenity for you today sister. Be strong.
P.S. Not going to work today, M isn't feeling well.
Robyn - I'm going to speak to you about my experiences - and it may or may not be applicable to you...I don't know.
Anyway - Right now is not the time for introspection - wondering about why you didn't do such and such, if you had done such and such, then maybe things would have been different. I did that with my second husband (perhaps because he was abusive?) before we had everything taken care of legally and started to get mired in the muck in my own head. A very good friend of mine told me to just stop - wait until everything was over and done with, then it would be time for the introspection to make sure I didn't fall into the same situation later with another guy. At the time, I had a hard time doing it, but my friend was right.
So - try very hard to stop thinking about how you could have done things differently - calling the police while you were still together, etc. - it's in the past, you can't change it. What you can change is the present and the future....that's where you need to focus.
It is though there is a wrath that lies ahead of me that I can feel, his wrath. - This is real and this is what you need to be prepared for. His anger and behavior are just going to escalate, in my opinion, anyway and he's going to get worse before he gets better...if he ever does. You need to psychologically prepare yourself for this - that means you have to be prepared to not talk to him unless you absolutely have to regarding the kids and then just keep it to where you will meet for him to get the kids and for you to pick them up. If at any time he pulls his abusive verbal routine, you have to be prepared to hang up on him and not answer the phone if he calls back. If he calls you at work, you have to be prepared to hang up - if someone else answers the phone at work, tell them if anyone calls asking for you, to ask who it is - if it is TJ, have them ask, in a professional tone, pretending they don't know who he is, what the call is in reference to - if it's not about A or L, then have that person tell TJ you are busy and can't come to the phone - or something like that. Sure it will set him off, but he should not be calling you at work or at home for anything other than having to do with L and A. Anything else from this point on goes through the lawyers, period.
Having A and L speak to the school counselor(s) is a great idea and I'm glad you are going to pursue that avenue as well as A and L's regular counselors. As has been said, they need that outlet....For seeing their regular counselors, you want that fee to at least be split between you and TJ - make sure your lawyer knows they are going to the counselor and you want the fee distribution in your agreement.
As for Friday - you can't predict what TJ will do or not do - you just have to have faith that it will work out - always knowing that if he comes to YOUR house you can call the police and tell them he is trespassing - would that be pretty? No, but you can't allow that precedent to be set.
Robyn, you are doing very well with all the stress being thrown at you. At some point, it will all be a distant memory, even though it doesn't seem like it right now. The best thing you can do, other than the above, is to stay vigilent, know when TJ starts with his ranting and raving, YOU have the power to hang up and not answer when he calls back. If he shows up on your doorstep, demanding to talk to you, YOU have the power to tell him to leave or you are calling the police. In my opinion, even if it means the kids hear/see you doing that, it's what's best in the long-run. Just tell them you and their father just don't get along, but it's still okay for them to see him and love him, just not at the House of Chimes. TJ will eventually run out of steam, unfortunately, it will take some time and you will be the one having to deal with his little tirades - but you are no longer the "powerless" Robyn - you are the "empowered" Robyn who can handle it.
Ditto kalogirl. Robyn, you hang in there. The heater in your car could be a very simple problem. If it was air conditioning, it would be a lot more complicated. But, I'll bet it's only a fuse or something. I wish you well today Robyn.
Don't get discouraged because his lawyer is just doing her job. My lawyer told me a long time ago - Court is a game played between the lawyers - my job is to play the game - your job is to take care of your children. Don't believe the bs - it's just a game. The hardest part of all of this is that your heart is involved and it's your family and your life - to the judge and the lawyers - it's just another story - and it's not the worst one they've heard. You have to factor that in. It's not right and it's not a comfort - but it just is. It's important to understand that. Is TJ the worst father anyone in the court system has seen - sadly no. And nothing that he can say can be proved either. So he can stand there and his lawyer can say what a horrible mother you are and guess what - it's all he said she said stuff - he does not have a timeline like you do. Stand up and walk tall - you'll be fine.
I read your post and the stuff in there about the courts always going for the mother - who said that? TJ? If so - it's his lawyer telling him how it is. Most lawyers for the fathers tell them this right out of the gate to avoid the angry dad coming back and screaming at their lawyers for "losing."
His lawyer is going to say all kinds of things - she can outright lie - she's not under oath - and she will purposely say things to upset you. As far as him seeing the kids - that's your call. If you don't want him to take them from your house - that is your call too. But the fact that he is threatening to come and take them from your home w/o you there is the problem - he is trying to show you that he can come into YOUR home and control you. Maybe you couldn't get a protection order - but everytime he calls and harrasses you - call the police - that will start a paper trail.
I am glad you are going to have the kids talk to someone - they need that. They are great kids and you are a great mom - everyone needs someone to lean on sometimes!
Numb is good - it can get you through. Every day that you get through right now is a victory. You'll be fine - it's gonna hurt and it's gonna get rough - but you'll be fine.
Windy is telling you the factual truth. As much as you don't want to hear it right now, please know that she is holding you closely and trying to protect and comfort you.
Do not, please, don't....beat yourself up for past choices you may have made. Your behavior was text book. Anyone who knows squat about emotional abuse (and physical abuse) recognizes that you did nothing wrong. You were trying to survive for the next day, hour, minute. You were also putting the kids first and believed that you were do what was best for them. You knew the what was happening to you, but feared what would happen if you became more assertive. You were 'safe' as long as you played the role of the obedient, compliant woman. Then there would be a flare up. The confusion would set in. 'How could this be happening??!!?? I did everything he wanted!' Robyn, it was him and the situation you were dealing with. Not you! The human brain will practice cognitive dissonance in order to survive. In other words you were thinking, 'this isn't so bad. It could be much worse. I will be strong and make this work'.
You need every bit of energy and focus you have to direct your anger and frustration where it needs to be. Not at yourself!!!!!!!!!!! Direct it at the situation you have in front of you right now.
If DAIB walked up to you and began to hit you, would you stand there in the same place and allow him to continue to strike you? Of course not. You would move away. It will be the same thing with his verbal harassment and threats. You don't need to allow it. You must not allow it. He is doing as much damage to you as breaking a bone in your body....maybe worse. He is systematically tearing you apart piece by piece. You must not allow him access to your world on a daily basis. You have the power to simply say, "NO!" Not to him...just in your head. To him you say nothing. Practice it. You have already made great strides in the 'click'. Now, don't even answer the phone. If there is an emergency, he will leave a message.
One other thing to mull over. A may not be receptive to speaking with anyone at his school. It may be the only place he feels he can escape what is going on around him. When he goes to school, he's just A....not the kid whose parents are having problems. He can immerse himself in his books and studies. Talk to your previous counselor or anyone else you can find. See what can be set up on a sliding scale. I'm not saying to not use the school's counselor, I'm simply suggesting that if there is resistance from A you will have a backup plan in case.
I hope the work environment relaxes some. Just go in, do your job, keep your head down, and h - e double toothpicks to the 8ithches. They are trying to feed on your temporary stress. Why are women so damn mean to each other???!!?? btw, that's how females most often abuse....verbally. They are word bullies. It will be practice for you. Hear only what you need to hear to do your job well. Turn off the rest of it.
Thinkin' of ya.........hang in there....in baby steps. You can do it!
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
I know we've all heard this before - but I think it helps - I'm saying it a lot these days!!
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