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It all sounds perfectly normal to me for a big move like you just had. Tired, lots of boxes, everything in disarray. But hey, its yours and you can take your time and put things where you want them. I am so happy for you and the kids.
Robyn, of course you're so tired; look at what you've been through....ermmmm, don't look very long, though.. Just a regular moving situation has its fatigue, but this is a resting, an emerging from the long night of living with J's particular type of mental illness, with the constant strife and danger you'd endured for so long.
And what you're feeling now is the relief of safety and freedom from that very toxic situation. I'm so thankful for all of God's provisions which are coming your way
I know its normal...whew. We actually ate in our dining room together as a family. Were not sitting infront of a tv, our screen was the 3 huge windows at the front of the house. The blinds pulled up revealing the sun getting ready to set, the porch and its swing.
The front yard so pretty. Everything, so pretty. I am so happy....not to be called Pretty anymore. Is that bad? It was his name for me. But when you hear your pet named being said and you cringe....well...you just know.
Pretty is how something is. Pretty was the scene of someone looking in. if someone looked into our house from the outside, Molly headed the table.seated, laying down, nowhere near the food, oblivious to the world around her. The three of us holding hands, saying our Grace.
Eating our dinner, talking about the school day. Oh Mommy..we played Life, and me and Brittany took turns being married to Austin....that is disgusting, Alexander says...LOL
Lindsay voices how a boy in her class said today that he felt less appreciated than his younger brother. It made me feel sad, because I knew this family, as a younger family. Before either of us knew our children were on the Autism spectrum.
I sat for a minute and wondered if she thinks things like that. I said that sometimes we say how we THINK people are feeling when we are feeling a certain way, when really that is not the way they feel at all. Lindsay said I know what you mean Mommy.
I tried to think of words for her. I thought for myself. I know anyone could think that anyone was thinking or feeling a certain way about them, when in all reality it could be the exact opposite. Depending on how We, ourselves are feeling at that very moment is going to determine how we accept what someone says or does.
I guess I could use that in life. I can't live in neutral...but sometimes, when dealing with certain people, I need to be...my words leave me.
I dont know. When I think of j, for instance and the crazy way he takes things, and gives them, as far as words and circumstances... one would have to know him, although, one does not know him, for he is outside Jim.
But for me, now... I am happy Robyn. I am tired, and worn out, but I am happy. Creme...I do see those vivid colors.
After dinner I sat out on the front porch swing, watching the sun go the rest of the way down, looking around. Just sitting there, and feeling happy. I can hardly believe it, but I have to. because I am here. His negativity has left us. When we are here...it does not touch us. I find myself getting a bit stressed, trying to get these boxes taken care of, and so today at work, I just took a step back and thought.....
He is not there to control me. Those boxes will be there, and they will be ready for me whenever I get to them. We need a break. Thats all there is to it. No stress tonight.
Lindsay is in the shower. Alexander is putting together a million kazillion piece puzzle. She just got out, it's his turn now.
He puts these huge puzzles together, then when he is finally done, he says, man that looks cool, and takes it apart and puts it back in the box for the next time. Skill, patience, kindness.
The other day he spoke of rage. He told me that sometimes Lindsay makes him feel rage. I talked to him about rage, I asked him not to let things be bottled up within himself for them to become rage. He knows rage. He has witnessed rage, and has been the victim of rage. Rage is why we live in the House of Chimes.
I see him in them. This is natural. I am in them as well. This is wonderful. I hope to get them to be able to come to a place where they dont feel rage and anger...fear...I want them to feel ok with themselves, with life.
The time is coming. Slowly, but surely. They are letting go that feeling of tightness. They don't have to listen for the angry truck and stand at attention. Neither do I.
I am tired. But tired-happy. I will take this any day over the week, over what i had, who i was.
Robyn, another bit of advice..... it sounds like you may be expecting TJ and his mother to run their mouths to the kids when they visit there on weekends. Consider weekly counseling for the kids so they have someone they can talk to about what is said- and professional documentation is always helpful.
You can probably get his mother removed from the situation if she contributes to any emotional abuse or anguish at all.
They really sound like great kids Robyn............. not surprising considering the kind of mother you are!
Everyday is different and every day you will feel different - you are lucky to be able to pour your heart out like this - it really helps
Tell your kids to keep a journal - especially your son. buy him one and never read it - it helps to get your feelings out and kids need that - you know how much you figure out about you when you write - sometimes things just flow out and you didn't even know they were in there.
that could help with the rage - give it a place to go - because it's okay to feel the way you feel - being a man/woman means knowing how to deal with it......
Windchimes, and others, more great posts & I still can't rep you!
I'm with Macrina, Robyn, in that you are recovering every bit as much from emotional exhaustion as from the physical effects of moving, complicated by your RA issues.
Rest, unpack boxes WHENEVER YOU WANT TO...Put things where you want them, whenever you are ready.
You need to just "be" for a while, discovering and appreciating who you are and figuring out what you want to develop in yourself at this stage of your life.
It's perfectly natural to be so tired Robyn, and you should take a break. Like you said, he's not there to control you and the boxes will be waiting for you the next day. After all you've been through and done in the last month, it would have totally wiped out most folks. To quote from an old advertisement, "You've come a long way baby!"
Hi Robyn - I LOVED reading your last couple of notes here - you three are living the life of a NORMAL family now! How wonderful! You brought back some memories, too. I can well remember the feeling of "having" to get something done on someone else's time schedule and once out, having that "whoa" moment that I could do things on MY schedule now - what an awesome feeling!
I like the idea of the journal that ILTB mentioned - it could be very good for Alex.
Your children will, I suspect always be well-mannered, especially now that you are all out from under the "toxins" that filled your space before. Discipline can be a double-edged sword, especially as the children get older. I don't think you will have any problems now, but before, I could see where you might have had some. Many teenagers who live under an "overly strict" umbrella, so to speak, will act out, rebel, and get into trouble a lot quicker than those who are living in a warm, loving and open communication home.
Kids need boundaries, yes, but they also need to be allowed to make mistakes and not have to fear for their lives when they make them. You are already taking steps with Alex and his rage and talking to him about it - you aren't judging him, you aren't making him feel like a bad person because of those feelings - In my opinion, that's fantastic! You are laying the groundwork now for him to feel free to come to you and tell you anything and be secure in the knowledge that you won't fly off the handle or over-react. The same with Lindsay - you are keeping the communication lines open, which is so very, very important.
It sounds like you are all adjusting very well to your new environment and it also sounds like you are all starting to bloom, which is absolutely fantastic and I have no doubt it will continue as time goes on.
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Tas, was just thinking the same thing...
