Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 01-14-2012, 04:08 PM
 
733 posts, read 1,659,562 times
Reputation: 886

Advertisements

I can tolerate some mistakes, such as bad career choice, wasted some years pursuing something that didn't pay off financially (but learned from the mistake), unhealthy past relationships, less than ideal social circles, debts that are manageable, etc.

Things that are deal breakers include debts the size of Texas, permanent unemployment, laziness, lack of reasoning skills, bad manners, etc.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 01-14-2012, 04:26 PM
 
Location: Earth
3,814 posts, read 6,768,669 times
Reputation: 2590
Also for me it's all about someone's current character. I believe people can learn from their past but they have to own it. If someone has a shady past (convicted of embezzlement) for example or cheated on their ex. Those are serious mistakes. How do they handle it today? If they let you stumble across the info and then excuse it by saying they were too ashamed that would indicate that they arent taking responsibility for it. They would need to come clean, not on the first date, but within the first month of dating and getting to know them. How awful would that be for someone to accidentally discover the skeleton by reading an old paper or finding out from another source?

If you have your radar on, you can usually spot the bad eggs from the good eggs, shady past or not.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-14-2012, 05:06 PM
 
3,734 posts, read 4,528,510 times
Reputation: 4290
Quote:
Originally Posted by banger View Post
Actions have consequences....
^^^

No one who's reasonable expects perfection. However, like others have said, giving someone a second chance is one thing, ignoring a history of foolish decision-making is another.

It's understandable that people would use caution when looking for a mate because of the certainty of getting dragged into that person's issues whether you like it or not. If you know those issues are not things you can or want to deal with, wisdom says to avoid that person.

People will make all kinds of promises to reform when they're looking for companionship and love. However, people rarely change. The only way to anticipate someone's future behavior is to look at what they've done in the past. To see red flags, and ignore them is just inviting heartache.

The consequence of having a history of making bad decisions is that you reduce your options in the dating pool.

Last edited by Pivot Point; 01-14-2012 at 05:32 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-14-2012, 05:56 PM
 
Location: Up in the air
19,112 posts, read 30,534,256 times
Reputation: 16394
Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
Mistakes are on a continuum. Student loan debt, can be paid off. Being on parole for child molesting? Not a negotiable item.
This is along my lines of thinking. You had a DUI 10 years ago? Not a big deal. You had 3 in the past 5 years? Dealbreaker. Went to jail for 10 years because you tried to smuggle coke across the border (yeah, I dated a guy who fessed up to that), that's probably not going to make me want to see you again.

Everyone makes mistakes...but so far my mistakes haven't been that bad. I've never been arrested, never been in jail and I don't do illegal drugs. Why can't I expect the same in a prospective mate?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-13-2014, 09:13 AM
 
1,458 posts, read 2,646,301 times
Reputation: 3146
Some "mistakes" are with you for the rest of your life. Certain convictions have been covered.

Perhaps they had a child with an unstable person, who would then be in your life at least until age 18. As a mother, a child isn't a mistake, per se, but I wouldn't blame a young woman who just won't deal with baby mama drama because a perspective boyfriend knocked up his lunatic psycho ex.

OP, can you post an example of a "mistake" that you feel should be forgiven, but that CD posters would reject a person for?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-13-2014, 09:27 AM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
38,967 posts, read 27,335,958 times
Reputation: 15909
Quote:
Originally Posted by mochamajesty View Post
While perusing the relationship forum, I have come to the conclusion that the posters here want perfect people. It's almost as if posters here would only consider people who have never made a bad decision in their lives.

Is that really the case? If someone is in debt, for example, does that mean that they deserve to be alone for the rest of there lives? It is possible for people to make bad decisions, learn from them and move on. Why do people act as if mistakes are deal breakers when it comes to finding a mate?
It is very sad if you feel that people want perfect super humans in their lives.

I have TONS of friends who are all flawed human beings, because of their flaws, I feel comfortable showing them my flaws. I know they won't judge me. They might scold me, we might have couple arguments, but we always end up kiss and make up. Embracing stupidity is part of growing up.

You will find a girl who loves you for you, no matter how many mistakes you made in the past. Believe it, and learn to trust with your heart.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-13-2014, 10:00 AM
 
Location: SF Bay Area
13,520 posts, read 22,001,096 times
Reputation: 20234
Quote:
Originally Posted by rohirette

OP, can you post an example of a "mistake" that you feel should be forgiven, but that CD posters would reject a person for?
Well, it's a 2yo thread ... I doubt if the OP still cares.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-13-2014, 10:04 AM
 
14,376 posts, read 18,267,001 times
Reputation: 43042
Not true at all. I fell hard and fast for a guy with a felony conviction and a lot of unprosecuted crimes - who since went on to turn his life around. However, the 40-something father of 2 who blamed his lack of a career on his Philosophy degree didn't get very far with me.

There's making mistakes and learning from them, and then there's wallowing in them and setting yourself up for the next big error.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-13-2014, 10:07 AM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
38,967 posts, read 27,335,958 times
Reputation: 15909
Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector View Post
Not true at all. I fell hard and fast for a guy with a felony conviction and a lot of unprosecuted crimes - who since went on to turn his life around. However, the 40-something father of 2 who blamed his lack of a career on his Philosophy degree didn't get very far with me.

There's making mistakes and learning from them, and then there's wallowing in them and setting yourself up for the next big error.
yeah I know. My sister used to date this gorgeous Marine and my parents told her no. She ended up marrying my cheating soon to be brother in law, she sure played it safe. He was a college professor, graduated from Ivy league university, now look at her life.

I decided to just go with my heart. A man's character is not defined by his past. A lot of so called bad boys can turn their lives around.

Great post Jrz, like always.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-13-2014, 10:09 AM
 
Location: Middle America
37,409 posts, read 53,263,329 times
Reputation: 53065
Quote:
Originally Posted by mochamajesty View Post
While perusing the relationship forum, I have come to the conclusion that the posters here want perfect people. It's almost as if posters here would only consider people who have never made a bad decision in their lives.

Is that really the case? If someone is in debt, for example, does that mean that they deserve to be alone for the rest of there lives? It is possible for people to make bad decisions, learn from them and move on. Why do people act as if mistakes are deal breakers when it comes to finding a mate?

I don't think that's true. I think that people with ongoing problems and who show themselves to exhibit pattern behavior raise red flags, and rightfully so.

I think that in many cases, people who've struggled in the past, but made changes so the problems don't continue to crop up and mistakes don't keep getting repeated have a much better chance of turning over a new leaf and finding happiness with somebody, so long as their mistakes have been dealt with and are not the variety that have long-lasting or permanent fallout (i.e. somebody who will always have a problem getting hired due to criminal background, etc.). If your past mistakes are so big that they have everyday fallout for your ability to get by in life, why WOULDN'T that be a legitimate and justifiable red flag to a lot of people. Some mistakes are easily rectified, others aren't. It's understandable that others may consider some past mistakes to have waaaaaay too much of an impact on their current quality of life. If I had something like a felony conviction, it would seriously impact my husband's career, which is dependent upon things like security clearances, me being able to move with him and live in government-provided accommodations that entail passing background checks, etc. Mistakes don't go away just because you're sorry about them. Sometimes they have lasting impact, and that lasting impact can affect other people who weren't even in your life at the time of the mistake. That's just kind of life.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top