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Old 01-15-2012, 03:39 PM
 
Location: Front Royal
7 posts, read 13,976 times
Reputation: 35

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Thanks in advance for reading my post!!!

So here's the scoop... My first GF (which is now my ex) cheated on me. The worst part about this whole thing is that its "changed me". every time she'd be talking or texting a particular person shed say it was her friend.

to make a long and obvious story short, this wasn't her friend it was someone else she loved.

to make things worse, i never received closure. I don't know why, what i did wrong, or what caused everything to tumble down.. I noticed the relationship settle in and not be as "adventurous" but i never thought it would result in infidelity.

lets fast forward a couple of months after my brake up with my ex. I decided to move on too soon and now I'm in a relationship with a wonderful girl and her son (her son is 2 and i'm not the biological father)

We've been together for almost a year and although most of the time its been smooth sailing... my ex still haunts me.

I'm controlling (here's me admitting what i don't like to admit) because of my ex. I freak out, when i say freak out i mean yelling and smacking walls with what seems to be a false "I COUGHT YOU CHEATING!" feeling.

horrible and embarrassing.. i know

It seems to be when ever my current girlfriend is talking to her "friend" I instantly get uneasy and begin to assume shes cheating and I use unethical ways to get in to her accounts to read her messages.

that's another no no.. i know.. I'm not proud.

to make things worse (yes it can get worse) I'd read a message that is completely innocent (but at that time I'm so pressed on finding something, I actually think its something bad) and attack with the accusations and the yelling.

this isn't the first time, this is probably the 13th time and shes afraid to talk to or find friends anymore because of the way i act towards her.

she says she still loves me and wants to stay to see if we can work things out, but i don't think she deserves me. I never was like this, I used to be the most trusting person in the world, and now i see myself as a freak.

I should also mention she and her son live with me so that may be one of the things that may be influencing her wanting to stay.

I'll be the first to say that this is infact an emotionally abusive relationship based on how i speak to her. And although i love her and want to stay together with her. she does not deserve the way I'm treating her.

What are you guy's thoughts? ideas? suggestions? anything?
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Old 01-15-2012, 03:45 PM
 
Location: SWUS
5,414 posts, read 7,532,756 times
Reputation: 5771
I'd say that if you plan on being with her after al this, you both need to go to counseling. You for your controlling tendencies, and she needs to go too so she can understand why. It'd be of benefit to both of you.
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Old 01-15-2012, 03:46 PM
 
Location: Utah
1,429 posts, read 1,861,083 times
Reputation: 701
You realize there is a problem with your behavior and you want to change. Bless you. That isn't easy to admit.

I suggest letting your current GF read your post and then perhaps work on counselling. You can overcome and endure.

You are on the right track. Now follow it up with working on your actions.
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Old 01-15-2012, 04:02 PM
 
Location: Fort Worth, TX
9,397 posts, read 13,074,594 times
Reputation: 6219
Quote:
Originally Posted by JordanJP View Post
I'd say that if you plan on being with her after al this, you both need to go to counseling. You for your controlling tendencies, and she needs to go too so she can understand why. It'd be of benefit to both of you.
I agree.
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Old 02-10-2012, 12:19 PM
 
Location: Front Royal
7 posts, read 13,976 times
Reputation: 35
Just to update you guys, Me and her split.. It just seems like its time at this point.
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Old 02-10-2012, 12:25 PM
 
22,770 posts, read 24,803,077 times
Reputation: 14504
Quote:
Originally Posted by teknicalissue View Post
What are you guy's thoughts? ideas? suggestions? anything?
My first impression is that you have issues of self-worth.

Sounds like you doubt your own value; when you don't see any value in yourself, it becomes logical to assume that the person you're with is going to cheat on you. The fact that you've been cheated on before just contributes to this cycle.

Ironically, your "paranoid" actions become a self-fulfilling prophecy, where the more preoccupied you are with her cheating, the more likely it'll be that she will cheat.


Quote:
Originally Posted by teknicalissue View Post
Just to update you guys, Me and her split.. It just seems like its time at this point.

that was probably good. your OP sounded like you were doing damage, beyond the point of repair.

in the long term you need to get a better grasp on what behavior women are attracted to. You will see positive results, and that will build confidence, which will make you more appealing, lessen the chance that she will cheat, and reverse the cycle you're in.

That's my layman's psychoanalysis for the day.
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Old 02-10-2012, 12:28 PM
 
Location: Front Royal
7 posts, read 13,976 times
Reputation: 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by le roi View Post
My first impression is that you have issues of self-worth.

Sounds like you doubt your own value; when you don't see any value in yourself, it becomes logical to assume that the person you're with is going to cheat on you. The fact that you've been cheated on before just contributes to this cycle.

Ironically, your "paranoid" actions become a self-fulfilling prophecy, where the more preoccupied you are with her cheating, the more likely it'll be that she will cheat..
you sir are a genius, I agree 100%
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Old 02-10-2012, 12:49 PM
 
Location: Rochester, N.Y
2,725 posts, read 3,905,943 times
Reputation: 4649
Quote:
Originally Posted by teknicalissue View Post
Thanks in advance for reading my post!!!

So here's the scoop... My first GF (which is now my ex) cheated on me. The worst part about this whole thing is that its "changed me". every time she'd be talking or texting a particular person shed say it was her friend.

to make a long and obvious story short, this wasn't her friend it was someone else she loved.

to make things worse, i never received closure. I don't know why, what i did wrong, or what caused everything to tumble down.. I noticed the relationship settle in and not be as "adventurous" but i never thought it would result in infidelity.

lets fast forward a couple of months after my brake up with my ex. I decided to move on too soon and now I'm in a relationship with a wonderful girl and her son (her son is 2 and i'm not the biological father)

We've been together for almost a year and although most of the time its been smooth sailing... my ex still haunts me.

I'm controlling (here's me admitting what i don't like to admit) because of my ex. I freak out, when i say freak out i mean yelling and smacking walls with what seems to be a false "I COUGHT YOU CHEATING!" feeling.

horrible and embarrassing.. i know

It seems to be when ever my current girlfriend is talking to her "friend" I instantly get uneasy and begin to assume shes cheating and I use unethical ways to get in to her accounts to read her messages.

that's another no no.. i know.. I'm not proud.

to make things worse (yes it can get worse) I'd read a message that is completely innocent (but at that time I'm so pressed on finding something, I actually think its something bad) and attack with the accusations and the yelling.

this isn't the first time, this is probably the 13th time and shes afraid to talk to or find friends anymore because of the way i act towards her.

she says she still loves me and wants to stay to see if we can work things out, but i don't think she deserves me. I never was like this, I used to be the most trusting person in the world, and now i see myself as a freak.

I should also mention she and her son live with me so that may be one of the things that may be influencing her wanting to stay.

I'll be the first to say that this is infact an emotionally abusive relationship based on how i speak to her. And although i love her and want to stay together with her. she does not deserve the way I'm treating her.

What are you guy's thoughts? ideas? suggestions? anything?

It sounds to me like when you were learning trust in women early on you got burned. It didn't help the fact that she was your first. You never got closure which leaves you with your own thinking on what went wrong-which can drive some people crazy. Because of these issues you now have trust issues as well as a feeling of not being good enough. Since you were never given closure on why she left you for someone else. You are what a lot of people could label as "damaged goods". But I don't believe that. You just have been very unlucky early on. Chances are that first girl you were with cheats on every girl she's with. You just didn't know that. It was unfortunate first love for you.

I'd be willing to bet you were a really nice guy with your first girlfriend and maybe a bit naive to how women or relationships can be or go..You gave your whole heart and soul just to get burnt, without doing anything wrong. So now your confused. Since you have no specific reason why she left, you torture yourself with your own reasons of not measuring up.. At this point you don't trust women in general.. Unfortunately for you, you had a very bad experience for your first time and you haven't worked through it yet, and you have brought that baggage to your next relationship. I would get counseling to try to get closure for yourself. It seems like you went a little extreme from one relationship. So I'd be willing to bet that someone very close to you (possibly mom or dad) or brother didn't spend enough time with you for whatever reason and you have low self-esteem as well. Issues of feeling not wanted or good enough or likable.. You don't know why, but you just never feel good enough. The behaviors you're doing are pushing her away on a sub-conscious level, even though for the most part your aware of it. At least that way, you'll know the reasons why it ended..

Stop punishing yourself and go seek help..And good luck.
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Old 02-10-2012, 12:50 PM
 
322 posts, read 418,660 times
Reputation: 727
I would suggest now that you are no longer in a relationship, you take some serious time out and work on being comfortable with yourself. I'm by no means a psycologist (so this is solely my opinion)...but it sounds to me like a bit of your self-worth was chipped away when you found out that your previous gf cheated on you. It's certainly not uncommon for this to happen. The issue is that because you may feel (I'm speculating...) that your previous gf cheated on you because there was something wrong with you, there is a good chance that it can happen again. Outwardly, you may appear confident and self-assured but there is at least a small seed of doubt in there somewhere (at least subconciously), and this manifests itself in your jealous outbursts.

I can tell you that until you are able to work through your self esteem issues, a trusting relationship is going to be difficult to come by. No self respecting woman is going to tolerate being questioned on a constant basis simply because you think she is on a never ending hunt to find someone better than yourself.

You've got to believe that you have some sort of value. When you truly start believing that (and I mean truly believe it), you will realize that sometimes people cheat for no other reason than to cheat. Being possessive and confrontational (as I'm sure you've noticed) isn't the way to prevent someone from wanting out of a relationship. Get comfortable with being who you are and what you have to offer and I'm sure you'll find yourself involved in more productive relationships.
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Old 02-10-2012, 12:59 PM
 
Location: Manhattan
1,742 posts, read 3,369,911 times
Reputation: 2516
Quote:
Originally Posted by teknicalissue View Post
Thanks in advance for reading my post!!!

So here's the scoop... My first GF (which is now my ex) cheated on me. The worst part about this whole thing is that its "changed me". every time she'd be talking or texting a particular person shed say it was her friend.

to make a long and obvious story short, this wasn't her friend it was someone else she loved.

to make things worse, i never received closure. I don't know why, what i did wrong, or what caused everything to tumble down.. I noticed the relationship settle in and not be as "adventurous" but i never thought it would result in infidelity.

lets fast forward a couple of months after my brake up with my ex. I decided to move on too soon and now I'm in a relationship with a wonderful girl and her son (her son is 2 and i'm not the biological father)

We've been together for almost a year and although most of the time its been smooth sailing... my ex still haunts me.

I'm controlling (here's me admitting what i don't like to admit) because of my ex. I freak out, when i say freak out i mean yelling and smacking walls with what seems to be a false "I COUGHT YOU CHEATING!" feeling.

horrible and embarrassing.. i know

It seems to be when ever my current girlfriend is talking to her "friend" I instantly get uneasy and begin to assume shes cheating and I use unethical ways to get in to her accounts to read her messages.

that's another no no.. i know.. I'm not proud.

to make things worse (yes it can get worse) I'd read a message that is completely innocent (but at that time I'm so pressed on finding something, I actually think its something bad) and attack with the accusations and the yelling.

this isn't the first time, this is probably the 13th time and shes afraid to talk to or find friends anymore because of the way i act towards her.

she says she still loves me and wants to stay to see if we can work things out, but i don't think she deserves me. I never was like this, I used to be the most trusting person in the world, and now i see myself as a freak.

I should also mention she and her son live with me so that may be one of the things that may be influencing her wanting to stay.

I'll be the first to say that this is infact an emotionally abusive relationship based on how i speak to her. And although i love her and want to stay together with her. she does not deserve the way I'm treating her.

What are you guy's thoughts? ideas? suggestions? anything?
I also believe that you discuss your feelings with a therapist if you can. Many have a sliding fee scale if you ask about it.

I don't usually scream "See a therapist!!" whenever anyone has the slightest problem but yours are deep and they are affecting the relationships you will have in the future. Most women will not -- and should not -- put up with being bullied regardless of what happened to you in the past. That is not an excuse to mistreat someone ever.

I've been cheated on in the past as have many people I know. While painful, it has not caused me to be paranoid, yell, and smack walls. Even though you didn't hit her, it is still very intimidating.

In any case, I don't mean to criticize you too much because at least you recognize that you have a problem and that your behavior isn't acceptable. You are miles ahead of other men who have similar issues but who won't admit to them. A little work with a mental health professional and you should be fine. Good for you for realizing this.
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