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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve
I wouldn't say a failed marriage automatically makes you less datable. Sometimes it failed for reasons beyond your control. Being married before means you have no commitment issues.
Oh, I don't think it makes the person less datable. It just makes them un-marryable to me.
And plenty of married people have commitment issues.
Exactly. My uncle was one of those guys who just didn't want to be tied down to a family; he was content to travel the world, play piano, and be the fun uncle. He and plenty of relationships over the years, but it wasn't until he was 50 years old that he met a woman who could accept his bohemian lifestyle and would be content with not having children.
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve
I used to think that there is something wrong with people who are over 40 and were never married.
Now I am dating a 47 year old single guy. Never married but had long relationships when he was young. Didn't marry because he felt he was too young back then.
I don't see anything wrong with him so far. He took care of his dying dad for several years and was a little depressed for a while afterwards, concentrating on career and himself, so he was single for 10 years until he met me. That's a good excuse in my book.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,834,525 times
Reputation: 40634
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve
Only if she was the wrong person right from the start. Maybe she changed after a few years.
Well of course people change. That is to be expected. Still chose wrong. That isn't an indictment, everyone makes mistakes.
Marriage is a once in a lifetime proposition. Even the people in my family that were widowed young, they understood that it is something someone does once.
A failed marriage CAN mean that you now know much better what you want and what not, what you can tolerate and what not. People who went to marriage counseling might have learned a lot.
It certainly can be something someone has emerged from stronger/wiser, having grown from the experience. I certainly found that to be the case with failed, non-married relationships, as well.
I still, in the end, preferred to be with someone who had a bit more shared experience/common ground in the relationship department, as I find we identify with one another more in that dept. Just me.
Well of course people change. That is to be expected. Still chose wrong. That isn't an indictment, everyone makes mistakes.
Marriage is a once in a lifetime proposition. Even the people in my family that were widowed young, they understood that it is something someone does once.
I don't personally agree with this.
I had a serious medical diagnosis last year, and gave mortality a lot of thought, especially within the context of my marriage. The idea of my husband calling it a day if I were to die young and just saying that's it for him would be a very, very sad one. He's a loving man with a lot to offer, and the thought of him saying, "Nope, I got married once, that's all for me," on principle, is a sad one, to me.
It's funny because I would want my husband to remarry if I die first (as long as he doesn't like her more than me), but I personally would not remarry. I feel like I lucked out the first time around with a great husband, and I wouldn't want to have that relationship with someone else. At that point, I'd rather just have a good time and not get too serious.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa
I don't personally agree with this.
I had a serious medical diagnosis last year, and gave mortality a lot of thought, especially within the context of my marriage. The idea of my husband calling it a day if I were to die young and just saying that's it for him would be a very, very sad one. He's a loving man with a lot to offer, and the thought of him saying, "Nope, I got married once, that's all for me," on principle, is a sad one, to me.
Seems like a lot of people look for any excuse under the sun to put down others and this thread is yet another example of that. Not everyone is built for committed relationships, not everyone is built for marriage and not everyone is built for parenthood. These things in themselves don't make someone immature. As long as people know this about themselves and are honest with themselves and others. I would say it's a greater sign of maturity then someone who gets married yet knows deep down they aren't willing to put in the work necessary to make it work and so it fails.
I agree. A lot of people are in a hurry to make a decision about someone. Over 40 and never married? OK, I'll just assume something's wrong with you instead of giving you the benefit of the doubt. I remember in the 80s when being divorced carried a stigma. People didn't want to date you because they assumed something must be wrong with you. Why else would you be divorced? I think another reason people are quick to judge is to feel good about themselves. If you've been married and someone else hasn't, you can look down on them and convince yourself you're better since you got someone to marry you and they didn't.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovely40
Agreed. I'll admit this raises a huge red flag for me too. 40+ and never married, no kids? Come on now.
Thank you for proving my point.
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve
Being married before means you have no commitment issues.
No it doesn't. Plenty of people get married knowing full well that it's probably not going to last.
I agree. A lot of people are in a hurry to make a decision about someone. Over 40 and never married? OK, I'll just assume something's wrong with you instead of giving you the benefit of the doubt. I remember in the 80s when being divorced carried a stigma. People didn't want to date you because they assumed something must be wrong with you. Why else would you be divorced? I think another reason people are quick to judge is to feel good about themselves. If you've been married and someone else hasn't, you can look down on them and convince yourself you're better since you got someone to marry you and they didn't.
Well for the most part I agree with you. People can choose not to date someone for any reason they want to, even doesn't make lot of sense to some of us. I just take issue with the fact that there are people here who will attack a person's character just because they haven't gotten married or have had children by a certain age, labeling that person immature, defective and a deviant. I mean lord knows is not like marriage and children are is some decision you make by waking up one day on a whim like buying some new shoes.
Only if she was the wrong person right from the start. Maybe she changed after a few years.
Exactly. It was 14 years after we were married. I didnt choose wrong.She chose to change.
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I think another reason people are quick to judge is to feel good about themselves. If you've been married and someone else hasn't, you can look down on them and convince yourself you're better since you got someone to marry you and they didn't.
