Update on "Wife, Emotional Affair..' plus others. (female, divorce, friends)
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Well last night we had a pretty big argument and I mentioned her relationship with the friend.
Last Sunday we agreed to work on our marriage and to have a full month were it's just us - no going to the dads, no having sisters over, etc, to start building those barriers and to isolate our marriage from them and work on us. This Sunday (a week later), she informs me she's going out to eat with the sister while I'm not home. I got upset, said its been only a week and she was already breaking our agreement, and wtf etc.
She got mad and said she didn't think it would be an issue since I wouldn't be home, I said that's not the point, etc etc etc.
I also brought up the friend. I said it's been 3 years and I've tolerated them talking nightly for so long, had it thrown in my face repeatedly, and I'm getting sick of it. That she's a married woman, he's a single guy, and she's letting him interfere with her marriage. And that I'm done with it, and if she has trouble deciding which relationship is harder to end, then I'm taking it as a sign that I need to move on with my life.
She said there was no trouble, that she wanted me, but that he was like a counselor to her and that I was not.
I said BS he's not trained, neither am I, he's just a single guy who has a crush on her and is interfering in our marriage and she's letting him, if she wants a counselor go see a professional.
She said I'm arrogant and a narcissist and hard to talk to regarding her problems, I again reminded her I'm not a counselor and there are certain issues I can't help her with, and the fact I can't sit down and do an hour long session like the other guy apparently can, doesn't mean I'm ignoring her. I suggested she find some female friends to vent to, or get into counseling.
I told her I wanted to feel like she was choosing to spend time with me over her family or this guy for once, instead of dumping me to do stuff with them.
So that's where we are.
I feel a bit bad telling her to cut her ties with him, she doesn't really have many friends (neither does he) and I don't feel there's a threat of her leaving me for him and they'll likely never see another again as it is (he's 1,400 miles away). I don't even think she's attracted to him, I think she's just flattered, they've known one another for a number of years, and they make each other laugh etc.
But then - he did send her the poem. My brains telling me all that's going on is she's leading him on, he's 3 years into pining for her, and it's time either they end it between them or between me.
Call me a fool etc, but - is telling her she can't talk to him the right thing to do? And how? Does she tell him "bye" etc or block him,..and what if he ends up emailing her one night, or she sends him an email or something one night?
Should I expect her to be gung ho and "We're going to save our marriage yay!" as she ends the 3 year relationship with him?
And she suggested marriage counseling, so that's in our future.
Anyway, talking about this is much easier than doing it, and it might seem logical and simple "choose the marriage or him," but when you're actually speaking it, it's quite different.
I agree with alot of what others are saying. First off, she is in a way calling out to you. She's saying, I need you to listen. More importantly, I need you to be a friend. When people aren't getting what they need from their partner, they find it by other means. Is she physically cheating on you? No. Is she even emotionally cheating on you? I can't honestly answer that without hearing her side of the story. What I can say she is doing is reaching out to someone who "listens to her." She's made it abundantly clear that you don't listen to hear. That's your biggest problem. This other guy is just a symptom of what she's not getting. If it wasn't him, it could be a co-worker, another friend, etc.
Relationships are very tough. They take for both partners to sometimes do what they don't want to do. Why can't you listen to her? What is that is making it so hard for you? Would you rather another man be the ear to all her woes?
As far as all of these boundaries you are putting up. I agree with many. You are only pushing her away. It's like you don't trust anybody. And that is what you are telling her. Why can't she go out to eat with her sister if you aren't around? It's control. Simple control. Many guys who control girls, do so in ways which take them away from their family. It's not helping your situation any. Because then the family will get resentful towards you and that's never good. You cannot tell another person who they can and can't see no matter how insecure you are. It's her sister. It seems like your afraid that her sister is telling her to leave you or something. Which might be true, seeing how controlling you are. The flip side, if you were'nt this controlling, you would have no worries about her seeing her family whenever she wanted to. My gf sees her mother all the time and so do I. I love it when they hang out. I never worry. Her mother and I get along great and I think it's nice. Why would I get jealous of such. As far as this other guy. You have to trust her to do what's right. men and women can be just friends regardless of what others think. I have a friend who is very good looking that I talk to alot. We've been friends for close to twenty years. I have no interest sexually in her at all. I don't think she does me either. Does my gf care if I go hang with her-not the slightest. In fact there friends too. She trusts me. You too both have a lot of work to do. Your communication is not there and either is your trust.
But trust me, trying to control the other person never works. In the end you push them away. She also needs to respect your boundaries. If their reasonable. It's reasonable for you to not want her to be friends with a man whom you supect wants her. She should respect that. However, telling her she can't spend time with her family is NEVER GOOD. It only makes her family not like you and that is never good.
I think a counselor is reasonable. But don't be too surprised if that doesn't fix it. Chances are, she could be harboring really bad feelings towards you at this point. Bottom line is ultimatums are never good and you are setting a precedent of ultimatums. Tell somebody they can't do something and they will.
Good luck.
Last edited by supermanpansy; 01-24-2012 at 12:48 PM..
cpg has you pegged. You are being irrational in your demands. You aren't hearing what she is trying to tell you. You've shut down on input and only want output TO/AT her. Do you realize you are not talking WITH each other, you are talking AT.
If you don't get counselling, your marriage will not prevail, IMO.
I've been in your wife's shoes - my ex was just the same as you are coming across.
What's irrational about it?
We had the talk and worked out a resolution (the focus on us for 30 days, not allow "come to dads now!!") Plan.
Is it really irrational for me to be upset that a week later our plan is forgotten about and were making exceptions to it already?
Or that I want her to break off the relationship with the guy who has shown he can't respect marriage boundaries?
I thought things have cooled off and they could remain friendly, but his decision to write her a poem about them having sex kind of showed otherwise...
Control? Are you kidding? "were going to dads for dinner tonight!" When you're expecting a date night on a night off doesn't exactly demonstrate control..
I was annoyed because it wasnt even a week since our agreement, and it felt like none of our discussion mattered.
Yeah but did SHE expect date night? It's seems like you just made the assumption it would be date night without consulting anyone.
I mean from what i see your wife takes your opinions to heart. She has limited the contact with this guy, agreed to spend more time with you, and even agreed to your ridiculous demands of not seeing her family for a month. And still your posts are a giant pat on the back from yourself, and an attack on what SHE is doing wrong. Or how much you can't stand HER family. You don't seem to be happy unless you get it all your way. And i'm sorry friend but that's not how a marriage works. You have to compromise on things. Just because you hate the guy and her family, mean your wants trump how she feels. It seems the biggest problem is this marriage is you, and if you don't start acting like and adult, and realizing YOU also need to work on your attitude. Then my friend you will end up creating what you are striving to avoid.
Emotional infidelity is one meeting away from cheating. I say this from personal experience. I'm not the kind of person to issue an ultimatum but some times it has to be done. Something's rotten in the State of Denmark where she and this guy are concerned and you have every right to feel uneasy and to tell her it needs to stop or you're done.
We had the talk and worked out a resolution (the focus on us for 30 days, not allow "come to dads now!!") Plan.
Is it really irrational for me to be upset that a week later our plan is forgotten about and were making exceptions to it already?
Or that I want her to break off the relationship with the guy who has shown he can't respect marriage boundaries?
I thought things have cooled off and they could remain friendly, but his decision to write her a poem about them having sex kind of showed otherwise...
Is that really irrational?
here's the thing, for sure there is something going on, otherwiwse your wife (who received a sex poem) would cut off communication if she wasnt interested in him, she hasnt done that because she likes the guy and is probably hoping fantasy becomes reality...sorry man, this does not sound good at all
here's the thing, for sure there is something going on, otherwiwse your wife (who received a sex poem) would cut off communication if she wasnt interested in him, she hasnt done that because she likes the guy and is probably hoping fantasy becomes reality...sorry man, this does not sound good at all
That's not true at all because if you are friends with someone, then chances are just because your mate has an issue with them you are not going to cut them out of your life.
That's not true at all because if you are friends with someone, then chances are just because your mate has an issue with them you are not going to cut them out of your life.
ok but based on what has already transpired here, I have to disagree, if I knew a male friend sent my girl a sex poem that is a major offence. He is not truly her friend then is he? He wants more. If your point is correct then it goes for non-friends too. Would you like it if some random girl sent your man a sex poem..no right?..so would it be ok if they were just friends?
ok but based on what has already transpired here, I have to disagree, if I knew a male friend sent my girl a sex poem that is a major offence. He is not truly her friend then is he? He wants more. If your point is correct then it goes for non-friends too. Would you like it if some random girl sent your man a sex poem..no right?..so would it be ok if they were just friends?
Heres the thing....we don't know WHAT this guy is doing, because we are just hearing one side of the story. And depending on your friendship with someone you can be quite open/jokey/and talky about sexuality. Not every couple shuts down and only discusses sex with their mate.
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