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No one should ever be foolish enough to say, well, the kids are "grown" and out of the house, why should my divorce bother or affect them?
It does.
These kids are adults and, while it may affect them, they'll be fine. No one should live their life based on other people's feelings. Life sucks, they better get used to it now!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ulysses61
My parents divorced after 43 years of marriage. The marriage had been dead for decades before the divorce. Life is really just too short to "settle" for someone you no longer love or are attracted to. Both my parents were really far happier once they were divorced, though neither remarried. Being alone was better for both than being in a truly loveless marriage.
I agree with this, too. It sounds like you already regret wasting so much time in a marriage that you know is not going to work. Why waste even more and give yourself more reason to resent her?
Sorry if this has already been said, but have you considered taking a planned and time-definite trial separation, without getting into the technicality and heartache of divvying up fourty years worth of accumulated assets and mementos?
Maybe you both need some perspective? Divorce will still be an option to you both if it doesn't work.
Who owns the house? Is the deed in your name, joint or hers? If it's yours or joint, if it were me, I would tell my spouse "the friend needs to go by X date" and that date would be very soon. And then I would enforce that decision. If my spouse didn't agree, that would be tough noogies. The lodger is leaving anyway. Make it happen. Be reasonable. Don't say she has to be gone by the morning, give a few days or week's notice.
If she's not respecting your wish to not have a lodger, then there are bigger problems here than the lodger. It's lack of respect.
I don't know what the 40 years have been like in terms of relationship quality. Many couples are miserable together. If you have been miserable all that time, or the majority (at least recently) and you want to separate, I say go for it.
Don't stay together for the kids. Who knows? If you announce a divorce, the kids may say "It's about time!"
But if you're just wigged out over the lodger issue but have not really tried to work it out and this is just a passing spat, then work it through.
But if my spouse said his friend could move in with us, and I did not agree with it and he told the friend he could continue to stay anyway....oh boy, there would be hell to pay. You have a right to have comfort in your own home. Sheesh! Good luck!
P.S. Regardless of the friend's sad story, her situation is not your problem to solve. If she got herself into a bad situation, she needs to get herself out of it. Helping out is nice if you both agree and the help is reasonable, but squatting in your home? That's crazy.
These kids are adults and, while it may affect them, they'll be fine. No one should live their life based on other people's feelings. Life sucks, they better get used to it now!
At 18 and 22 they are hardly adults.
Just saying, parents need to be aware of the latest research on divorce fall out in this age group.
And life doesn't always suck! I would never tell my kids they "better get used to it now" GEEZ.
It is my personal feeling that when folks want to divorce they need to work and earn their way out of the relationship (unless of course there was abuse, then all bets are off - get the heck out).
I'm just not convinced our OP has done the work to be able to say with integrity and honesty, I did the best I could to make it work.
When you divorce before you are able to say that, you haven't earned it and will go on to make some of the same mistakes all over again.
The wife and i are at a point in life where we are just room mates, theres no more passion in the marriage,we argue more frequently,we dont like each other that much any more and we dont like each others friends,the kids are 22 and 18 and wont be around much longer,At 65yrs old i;m wondering if it wouldnt be better just to do ourselves a favor and go our separate ways.
The idea of living the rest of ones life alone is not appealing but the way things are now i dont see much option.
Also the task of actually undertaking the separation seems daunting as so much of our lives are intertwined, for example all the bills are in my name,all the cars and insurances are in my name, the lease on the apartment is in my name, all the income is direct deposited into several joint accounts, the debts also have to be fairly dealt with etc. etc.
Then theres all the stuff we've accumulated over 40 years,who gets what.
Any one else deal with the breakup of a 40 year marriage?My head is spinning just wondering where to start if i decide to go the separation route.
Be nice if i was 40 yrs younger and i could just walk out the door saying sorry babe this just aint working out..
Thanks for any input
Frankly, your post baffles me... I would think that most people who were able to stay together for 40 years can go on a little longer... Also, most people mellow down with age. My parents, for instance, didn't have the best of marriages when they were younger. Granted, a major irritant was my father's mother who was living with us. I'm not sure if it's because later they were already alone or because they also mellowed, but it seemed like they couldn't breathe apart in the last 10 to 15 years of their lives. Do you really think either one of you will be happier alone in your old days...? Do you really think the chances of building a new life with somebody else/better are that good...?
I'm dealing with it today from the perspective of a child...a 54 year old child, but still - my 80-year-old father was greeted in the driveway by the process server - seems the 65-year-old wife of 35 years had run away from home. It has been HELL. They are definitely on the divorce track, but the division of assets has been daunting and acrimonious, the lawyers are charging an arm and a leg, and it's just awful for everyone. Except the lawyers, I guess - they are making out like bandits.
We - my sister and I - didn't have a clue. Not a clue. And apparently my father didn't either. Are you sure the wife wants you run over by a bus, or are you projecting your thoughts onto her? I don't mean that in an ugly way toward you, but are you so unhappy you are assuming she must be miserable as well?
Tread softly - someone will hurt in this situation whether it's you, her, or the kids. If it must be done, be as calm and as civil about it as possible. Don't explain it all to the kids, they don't need to know (unless, of course, they already have it figured out).
I'm sorry for your dilemma, I truly am. All that being said, I can only assume my stepmother is quite a bit happier these days alone than she was with my father. He's a wreck, but this seemed to be exactly what she wanted and is getting. I can only assume her happiness knows no bounds....65 or 25, if you're where you have no desire to be, it's hard to suck it up and soldier on. As for the "kids", at 54 and 46, we just sit and wait on the house to land on her. And her sister, too.
We tried counseling a few years ago, didnt do much and it was expensive.
As for lawyers getting in on the financial action i'd rather try for an amicable separation with just the two of us being involved..Money is not a problem as she has hers and i've got mine/
Money may not be a problem at this time while you are together, but once you separate, the money and assets go into one pool to be divided. I know that you have your own plan, but what plan does your wife have? You are not planning to get a divorce and attorney, but she may have plans to get an attorney. The legal fees could skyrocket leaving each of you with a lot less at a point in your life when you don't have time, nor energy, to recoup.
Is it possible to be civil to each other in the same house with each of you living separate lives to do whatever you choose? You have not been alone for forty years? Are you sure being alone is better for you now? Do you really want to be out in this hard world of dating after 40 years?
I know that living in a miserable marriage is not ideal, but would you be miserable alone with possibly half of the finances that you have now? Living in a good financial situation is not everything, but at retirement, when we usually have less money, a good financial situation means an awful lot. Misery is misery. It is just a matter of which misery you choose to have in your life.
Thanks every one, many points to ponder
We.ve been to multi month therapy sessions 3 different times in the last 6 years,they are expensive and in my case dont work as all they seem to accomplish is giving the wife more fuel for arguments using many of the subjects that were brought up during the sessions when i was being honest with her and the councilor.
Lawyers and divorce are totally out of the question as separation is as far as i need to take it,if she wants a divorce sometime in the future that will be her call on her dime..
Moving to another apartment for a while sounds great but i cant afford to pay for another apartment and half the house we are renting at the moment..
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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No one knows but you and your spouse where your feelings for each other were during the time your kids were growing up but being from a broken marriage in my late 30s, knowing without a doubt it was the right thing to do--in fact, long over due--I think someone your age knows in your heart of hearts what's right for you. Maybe you feel like giving up but want to be talked out of it. Or maybe you know it should have happened long ago and you are just finally finding the courage to move on with your life and let her move on with hers. No one knows but you. Don't second guess yourself. You have the answer already.
Update..
The mooch lodger has left the building, the wife has calmed down and life is kinda back to normal room mate status,thanks for all the advice and wisdom.
Plan now is to slowly get everything transferred to her name so that if things come to a head some time in the future i'll be more free to leave.
Big decision on my part was to leave behind a family with all the chaos and diversity that entails to go live in a bachelor pad all by myself,nah! i think that would drive me nuts in a different way so for now i'll stick it out till at least the kids leave the nest.
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GEEZ.
