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Old 01-30-2012, 03:02 AM
 
20,415 posts, read 16,784,661 times
Reputation: 14543

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The wife and i are at a point in life where we are just room mates, theres no more passion in the marriage,we argue more frequently,we dont like each other that much any more and we dont like each others friends,the kids are 22 and 18 and wont be around much longer,At 65yrs old i;m wondering if it wouldnt be better just to do ourselves a favor and go our separate ways.
The idea of living the rest of ones life alone is not appealing but the way things are now i dont see much option.
Also the task of actually undertaking the separation seems daunting as so much of our lives are intertwined, for example all the bills are in my name,all the cars and insurances are in my name, the lease on the apartment is in my name, all the income is direct deposited into several joint accounts, the debts also have to be fairly dealt with etc. etc.
Then theres all the stuff we've accumulated over 40 years,who gets what.
Any one else deal with the breakup of a 40 year marriage?My head is spinning just wondering where to start if i decide to go the separation route.
Be nice if i was 40 yrs younger and i could just walk out the door saying sorry babe this just aint working out..

Thanks for any input
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Old 01-30-2012, 03:09 AM
 
Location: SWUS
5,392 posts, read 4,592,816 times
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I'm sorry to hear that you aren't getting along with the wife. Have you two tried counseling or anything like that? I'd hate to hear of basically an entire lifetime of sorts ending.
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Old 01-30-2012, 03:20 AM
 
Location: San Antonio/Houston
21,646 posts, read 23,924,085 times
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All financial stuff has to be set up by the lawyer. Who gets what, how much, when and how.
After that is done, you will have much clearer view what you want to do next.
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Old 01-30-2012, 03:25 AM
 
20,415 posts, read 16,784,661 times
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We tried counseling a few years ago, didnt do much and it was expensive.
As for lawyers getting in on the financial action i'd rather try for an amicable separation with just the two of us being involved..Money is not a problem as she has hers and i've got mine/
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Old 01-30-2012, 03:31 AM
 
3,062 posts, read 4,250,748 times
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Wow. Have you guys talked about this (meaning are you both on the same wavelength or are these mostly your thoughts at this point)?

I think the longer you are married the harder it is to split, but if it is done thoughtfully and carefully you can minimize the damage considerably. It's not a quick process (separating everything fairly) and even if both of you want it, it won't be without grief.

Re: the kids, I know we think of an 18 and 22 year old as pretty much grown up, but the impact on them is likely to be much more intense than you would imagine - so be prepared for that. I have seen that scenario a few times (a split when the offspring are late teens and 20's), and they will still take it very hard.

For the sake of the children it is really important that you and your wife sit down and make the decision together and present a united front in the separation, make the decision that despite feelings you will both act civilly and do your best to remain kind to each other. My ex and I did this, went for counselling with the children, etc. We remained "friends" and having seen opposite scenarios with other couples, I know it preserves everyone from a lot of unnecessary pain.

Having said all of that, the first step (IMHO) is to go see a good counsellor who can help you both decide how to proceed.
Edit: okay - I see while I was writing my novel you answered the counsellor question.
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Old 01-30-2012, 03:32 AM
Status: "Meanest zen master" (set 19 days ago)
 
8,889 posts, read 5,112,305 times
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I suggest meeting with a financial planner and mediator as a first step to figure out a settlement that you both feel is fair. For instance, your 401K(s) will be split in half along with all your other assets if you go through the court system, but a mediator can help you reach an agreement between the two of you that can be presented to the judge as a fait accompli. Less fighting and hard feelings that way.

You never said how your wife feels. Is she okay with breaking up as well? I am assuming she is younger than you as you have an 18 year old child. Is she still working? How will she support herself?

Being alone is better than being in a miserable marriage, but it comes with its own price, especially for older people. You may very well end up alone and lonely. Do you have close relationships with your children? If not, I would work very hard on improving those connections...
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Old 01-30-2012, 05:43 AM
 
20,415 posts, read 16,784,661 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post

You never said how your wife feels. Is she okay with breaking up as well? I am assuming she is younger than you as you have an 18 year old child. Is she still working? How will she support herself?

Do you have close relationships with your children? If not, I would work very hard on improving those connections...
The wife at this point would like to see me run over by a bus,
she is 7 yrs younger and is a full time worker in the local school board.
Money isnt really the issue as we both have our own and if i proceed with the separation its not a divorce just a separation.
The kids and i get along very well together but in a separation i doubt i'll be able to afford a 3 bedroom apartment like we have now so at least one of them would be relegated to staying with mom at any given time..

The spark that ignited this train of thought started with this topic and my asking the lodger why she was still at our place after 4 months of basically free weekday room and board.She told my wife that i didnt want her there any more which was true but its not what i asked her and it was up to my wife to throw her out not me..

What is the best way to help my friend?

Last edited by jambo101; 01-30-2012 at 05:58 AM..
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Old 01-30-2012, 05:52 AM
 
Location: Central Florida
959 posts, read 847,406 times
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Why live the rest of your life (lives) in misery ad esp if you are in good health?? We now have 5 passages instead of four, and you are in your 4th one (like moi ) and not the final one which to me, can open up another WHOLE wonderful life! I would approach your wife about this, do what elina/zentropa suggested and then get your own lawyer. And, I would mosey on over to the retirement section here as this subject of divorcing later in life was brought up awhile back.

Good luck to you!-
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Old 01-30-2012, 07:41 AM
 
Location: Greenbelt, MD
6,124 posts, read 2,325,573 times
Reputation: 22926
Quote:
Originally Posted by jambo101 View Post
The wife and i are at a point in life where we are just room mates, theres no more passion in the marriage,we argue more frequently,we dont like each other that much any more and we dont like each others friends,the kids are 22 and 18 and wont be around much longer,At 65yrs old i;m wondering if it wouldnt be better just to do ourselves a favor and go our separate ways.
The idea of living the rest of ones life alone is not appealing but the way things are now i dont see much option.
Also the task of actually undertaking the separation seems daunting as so much of our lives are intertwined, for example all the bills are in my name,all the cars and insurances are in my name, the lease on the apartment is in my name, all the income is direct deposited into several joint accounts, the debts also have to be fairly dealt with etc. etc.
Then theres all the stuff we've accumulated over 40 years,who gets what.
Any one else deal with the breakup of a 40 year marriage?My head is spinning just wondering where to start if i decide to go the separation route.
Be nice if i was 40 yrs younger and i could just walk out the door saying sorry babe this just aint working out..

Thanks for any input
I'm going to comment on the bolded part because I went through this after a 6 year marriage and being together for 8:

I was burned badly due to exactly the same scenario you described. I also had huge tax bills to pay off due to my ex being dishonest. It took me 3 years and working two jobs to recover. Thankfully all of that is behind me now and I'm glad everything including my marriage is over.

We did everything without a lawyer. I consulted 3 of them including one from the State of Maryland and all told me the quickest and cheapest way to get the divorce was for me to absorb the loss. We rented as well. I was happy with the dividing things up part but I got stuck with paying the lease settlement and other bills. That wasn't supposed to happen but it did.
If I would have hired an attorney I doubt the end would have been any different. Her life has been in a downward spiral ever since we broke up.

Since you said your wife has her own money and you are both miserable I would sit down with her and present your plan and she if she goes along with it. Try to avoid a lawyer as they are expensive and chances are this will drag out further than you want it to. But all of this is in your name and if she says no to your plan, or says yes like in my case but changes her mind be prepared to get stuck.

It's better to be lonely than to live with someone else in misery.
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Old 01-30-2012, 07:55 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,177 posts, read 57,278,628 times
Reputation: 38458
Quote:
Originally Posted by jambo101 View Post
The wife and i are at a point in life where we are just room mates, theres no more passion in the marriage,we argue more frequently,we dont like each other that much any more and we dont like each others friends,the kids are 22 and 18 and wont be around much longer,At 65yrs old i;m wondering if it wouldnt be better just to do ourselves a favor and go our separate ways.
The idea of living the rest of ones life alone is not appealing but the way things are now i dont see much option.
Also the task of actually undertaking the separation seems daunting as so much of our lives are intertwined, for example all the bills are in my name,all the cars and insurances are in my name, the lease on the apartment is in my name, all the income is direct deposited into several joint accounts, the debts also have to be fairly dealt with etc. etc.
Then theres all the stuff we've accumulated over 40 years,who gets what.
Any one else deal with the breakup of a 40 year marriage?My head is spinning just wondering where to start if i decide to go the separation route.
Be nice if i was 40 yrs younger and i could just walk out the door saying sorry babe this just aint working out..

Thanks for any input

Things didn't get like this overnight, so take some responsibility for letting it get this bad and go on for so long

By "taking responsibility" I mean that you should do all you can to make sure walking away is your only option before you do it.

Have you tried marriage counseling? Not just once or with only one therapist, but until you found one you could really work with?

Sometimes the things we think we hate most about our spouses are really the things in ourselves that we hate that they are mirroring back to us.

I know you sound "done", but being all alone at this stage of life is no picnic. Be really sure you know what you are getting in to, in all ways.

And if nothing else consider going out today and purchasing a little book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It could really give you some perspective and new hope for your marriage if you let it.
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