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No one is going to get all their needs met in a relationship, he insists. He urges fundamental acceptance of the person we choose and the one who chooses us. "We're all flawed. With parenting, we know that comes with the territory. With spouses, we say 'This is terrible.'"
The culture, however, pushes us in the direction of discontent. "Some disillusionment and feelings of discouragement are normal in the love-based matches in our culture," explains Doherty. "But consumer culture tells us we should not settle for anything that is not ideal for us."
As UCLA psychologist Thomas Bradbury puts it, "You don't have a line-item veto when it comes to your partner. It's a package deal; the bad comes with the good."
Further, he says, it's too simplistic an interpretation that your partner is the one who's wrong. "We tend to point our finger at the person in front of us. We're fairly crude at processing some information. We tend not to think, 'Maybe I'm not giving her what she needs.' 'Maybe he's disgruntled because I'm not opening up to him.' Or, 'Maybe he's struggling in his relationships with other people.' The more sophisticated question is, 'In what ways are we failing to make one another happy?'"
Now in a long-term relationship, Toronto's Katz has come to believe that "Marriage is not about finding the right person. It's about becoming the right person. Many people feel they married the wrong person, but I've learned that it's truly about growing to become a better husband."
I skimmed through it. I agree that a preference for the same activities is not that important, as long as both partners can freely do their own thing and still have at least some shared interests. However, most of the time they give each other guilt trips that bring resentment and eventually suffocate each other.
I skimmed through it. I agree that a preference for the same activities is not that important, as long as both partners can freely do their own thing and still have at least some shared interests. However, most of the time they give each other guilt trips that bring resentment and eventually suffocate each other.
You are very right. There is often so much unnecessary drama in relationships as well. I blame the media
BTW good to see you again, this place isn't the same without you
After getting past my initial amusement over the photos--too cute!--I read the whole thing. I agree with the notion that we are conditioned to be very either/or in our thinking, with emphasis on unrealistic ideals. We can see it here on these threads every day, with people making mountains out of molehills, overanalyzing stuff that is just not that important in the grand scheme of either life or a relationship, and criticizing or dumping others over the smallest offenses, for the most superficial reasons.
What's sad is that it's not necessarily teenagers or inexperienced young adults in their early 20s who do this. It's people in their 30s and beyond. Wayyyyy too many expectations, and far too many people blaming their partners for their unhappiness, as though it's their partner's responsibility, indeed mission in life, to make them happy. And if they are single and miserable, it's the other gender entirely. "Men are..." "Women are..."
Last year, there was a fellow who came on here who was very angry and upset over his wife's disinterest in sex. Some people piled on, and told him to divorce her, give her ultimatums, and so on. Others confronted him and asked him to look at how his own anger and demeanor could be making the situation worse, considering the harsh language he was using when speaking about her.
And you know what? He had the maturity to look at his own role and the effect his own behavior might have had on the deterioration of the marriage. Last I heard from him, over the holidays, things were slowly but surely getting better--and more power to him!
That is the kind of maturity, introspection, and sense of responsibility and accountability the article seeks to impart on people.
A mate is someone who complements you, not someone who is your mirror image.
I am always amazed by the insipid reasons people use to reject others, then whine endlessly about their failed romantic lives.
So I'm going to make it simple. Here are the things that matter, in no particular order:
1) Shared values. Note that this is far different from shared tastes.
2) A good sense of humor, or at least one that meshes well with yours.
3) Treating the world, especially you, with respect.
4) Mutual physical chemistry.
A mate is someone who complements you, not someone who is your mirror image.
One of things that I am amazed by the insipid reasons people use to reject others, then whine endlessly about their failed romantic lives.
So I'm going to make it simple. Here are the things that matter.
1) Shared values. Note that this is far different from shared tastes.
2) A good sense of humor, or at least one that meshes well with yours.
3) Treating the world, especially you, with respect.
4) Mutual physical chemistry.
That's it. Anything else is gravy.
Can't rep you again, or I would.
Bonus for the use of "insipid." I was trying to get to that word last night and it wouldn't let me. I kept thinking, "not vapid, the other 'id.' Grrrrr, what is the word?" Tip-of-the-tongue situation.
Last edited by Yzette; 01-31-2012 at 09:50 AM..
Reason: editorial consistency ;-)
Bonus for the use of "insipid." I was trying to get to that word last night and it wouldn't let me. I kept thinking, "not vapid, the other 'id.' Grrrrr, what is the word?" Tip-of-the-tongue situation.
Thanks. But I had to reword that sentence because of the bone-headed subject-verb disagreement. The writer in me, I guess.
A mate is someone who complements you, not someone who is your mirror image.
I am always amazed by the insipid reasons people use to reject others, then whine endlessly about their failed romantic lives.
So I'm going to make it simple. Here are the things that matter, in no particular order:
1) Shared values. Note that this is far different from shared tastes.
2) A good sense of humor, or at least one that meshes well with yours.
3) Treating the world, especially you, with respect.
4) Mutual physical chemistry.
That's it. Anything else is gravy.
Very well said. I totally agree. Mrs. Lao and I are totally different on a lot of things, but we definitely are each others soul mates (if you believe in that sort of thing). But even with all of our differences, we pretty much share all four things you listed.
This is one of the better articles on this subject, IMO. cpg summarizes most of it nicely, but there are plenty of nuances that make it well worth reading and thinking about.
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