Why is Divorce Not the Answer to a Miserable Marriage? (love, younger)

[supermanpansy]

It's too easy and acceptable to get divorces for petty reasons anymore. That is why I have chosen to not get married thus far in my life. We live in a world that is me, me, me. Marriage is a partnership of compromises, yet many only are willing to bend so far. On the other hand, I think divorce is the answer for many. One should never have to tolerate abuse either mental or physical. Adultery isn't something that should be tolerated either. However, even after saying all that, I think if two people still love each other, and they are willing to work things out, then it can be fixed. I understand the OP's parnets reasons for getting divorced and in that case I agree. It was for the better, just like it is in many cases..

I'll use my own parents for example. They've been married for around 43 years... My mother and father are very religious. But not in the overboard creepy way. My mother goes to church every week.etc. My father cheated on my mother about twenty years ago. My mother almost left him. At first she was going to, but then she gave him a chance. In today's day and age, if someone gets cheated on, they usually feel compelled to cheat back.,etc. It's a you do me, I do you worse world we are now living in. I think alot about the fact that my mother forgave my father without that "I'll get you back mentality". I'm sure it wasn't easy for her. Yet, she never cheated to get back at him. If she had done that, I don't think they would have ever survived. I hold my mothers behavior in very high regard for the way she handled things. I have very high respect for my mother and the decisons that she have made in life. On the other hand, my father obviously realized that he didn't want to live without her. He basically begged her not to leave. First time I've ever seen my father cry. They have been through many issues together. My father has some mental problems that I won't get into. I think for everything they've been through, that their love for each other is now stronger than ever. The reason that they have made things work is communication. When there is something wrong, they talk about it and COMPROMISE. Something that I don't think many couples do anymore.

I guess I said all this for one reason. Yes, in many instances people shouldn't be together anymore. On the other hand, I also don't think that people try as hard to work things out anymore as they should or could. If any little thing goes wrong-people call it quits. I don't agree with that. I know there are no guarantees, but if I ever get married, I want to give it my all. For me, that's the only reason for marriage.

[Lucario]

Originally Posted by ShellNic

I think nowadays, people come up with too many reasons to split. In my mind, what is virtuous is to give it your all. Do not divorce for easy or trivial reasons. If you seriously have tried every avenue, then yes, you shouldn't have to live your life in misery. I just think that while yesteryear's view (never give up, never divorce) is outdated, that today's view of "if it gets hard, I'm divorcing" is too prevalent.

And yea, kids really see a lot more than parents think. My opinion is that if mom and dad are having issues with each other, they also have some issues with the kids. If those same parents are happier being apart, the kids will benefit from said happiness. JMO!!

How so?

[ShellNic]

Maybe it was just my mom, but when mommy was unhappy so were we. She took a lot of her frustrations and anger out on us. Not physically, but verbally. Sometimes a comment came out of nowhere that was sooo hurtful and as a young child, you don't know how to process that.

Now that I'm thinking about it, my mom was something else...don't know if she was ever truly happy. But I know my dad was better off. Maybe I shouldn't have generalized b/c I know that isn't true of all people... however, in my family it seems, when the parent was upset, there was a gloomy depressing feel in the house. When they were happy, I could feel that as well and as you'd imagine, it was much better.

[Ascension2012]

My parents went through hell, when I was growing up, but they stuck it out, while dealing with some real problems like alcohol, physical and verbal abuse. As of today, they are still married and extremely happy together. They have been married for 40 years. I dont know of any marriages currently that would stick around and work through the types of problems my parents had.

Look at the divorce rate as it is today. People give up on their marriages just months after getting hitched. What in the world is the point of getting married then? Im not advocating anyone stick through years of abuse or anything like that, but filing for divorce because you are having a bad day or your husband lost a job 2 days ago, should net you getting smacked in the head. Being married is work and sacrifice. People are too selfish and too shallow nowadays to be able to handle being married.

[gallowsCalibrator]

Originally Posted by Lucario

But your mom could conceivably have done the same thing, if your dad had been forced to sell the home and pay alimony/child support to your mom. Since income and assets are jointly divided between each parent, income should not be a factor in determining who should be the primary custodial parent.

But the question of "Which parent can provide a more stable environment" is something the courts look at, or should. Now, in my parents' case, my father did not want alimony. Part of it was pride, I imagine.

Originally Posted by Lucario

But in your words "realized," etc., you imply that you agreed with that decision. If a judge were to make a decision I vehemently disagreed with, I would not conclude that he or she had "realized" anything.

Perhaps I could have better worded it as "came to the conclusion". I do agree with the decision to keep my sister and myself in the same home.

Originally Posted by Lucario

The vast majority of them do not get equal parenting time, but they pay, through alimony and/or child support, an equal or superior proportion of the child's expenses. Again, I am not going to be satisfied with being forced to move out of a home I pay for (together with my wife) and see my children once or twice a month.

That is the nature of the beast in child support. But, visitation rights do exist and I have several friends who did indeed spend equal time between their separated parents.

Originally Posted by Lucario

So why couldn't your mom have had equal parenting time?

She chose not to. My father basically gave her an open house policy that all she had to do was call in advance (to make sure we weren't doing school stuff or other plans) and she had all the time she wanted.

She chose to only see us every couple of years.

Originally Posted by Lucario

How come your mom and dad couldn't have moved into the home for weeks or a month alternatively so you girls could have stayed in the same home? I have seen arrangements like this, but admittedly they've only come into vogue within the last decade or so.

I've never heard of this type of arrangement.

Originally Posted by Lucario

While I don't honestly know that this will happen, I know it is a distinct possibility because it has happened to countless friends of mine who are divorced fathers.

I guess in some places, they would still put primary interest in giving kids to the mother. The concept of "mothers make better parents" is still alive.

Originally Posted by Lucario

I am not trying to take the kids from her in any way. She, on the other hand, wouldn't hesitate to try to do that to me.

If you could prove that she wouldn't hesitate to keep your kids from you... it could definitely be used as a reason why you'd make the better custodial.

Originally Posted by Lucario

Because I don't trust the "family" court system to do right by me.

I can petition........doesn't mean they'll listen to me.

Have you even talked to a lawyer regarding how family courts and the judges act in your district?

Because if they are still bass-ackwards in always giving custody to the mother, then I could wholeheartedly understand why you'd be hesitant to trust them.

Originally Posted by Lucario

The environment for the kids is fine. The parents' relationship is not good. But we aren't violent or abusive towards the kids.

I wouldn't be so sure. Just because you are not violent or abusive towards the kids does not necessarily mean that they can't see what is going on. My parents didn't treat me poorly during the last years of their marriage, but I knew things were not the greatest.

Have you even talked to them at all - depending upon their ages, of course.

Originally Posted by Lucario

I know they are. But I grew up without a father, and I am still affected by that to this day. I swore I wouldn't put my kids through the same thing.

And for the most part, I grew up without a mother. Quite honestly, I don't think there's anything that my mother would have provided that my father or family friends did not.

I did, however, see my parents act in a way that bothered me. Their interactions weren't normal. They were strained and forced.

Originally Posted by Lucario

When I left for college, I never, ever wanted to come back home to live, and barely to visit. I didn't call my mom for more than a week, and I only did because I was returning her call (and man, was she po'd). I didn't need a security blanket. I wanted to be out in the world on my own.

And you expect that your kids would not want to be around you at all once they go off to college or into the adult world?

Originally Posted by Lucario

If it means being with my kids every day, I will put up with it. I have been putting up with it.

If that is truly the life you wish to live, then I hope the best for you.

I just can not fathom being completely miserable with somebody and trying to stick it out for an undetermined length of time. It just sounds too draining.

[gallowsCalibrator]

Originally Posted by Lucario

How so?

If you act frustrated around a newborn, how do they respond? By crying. Even if the frustration is not directed at a newborn, they pick up on the emotion and respond accordingly.

That's how kids are. That's how people are. We pick up the emotions off of each other and react - even if subconsciously.

So being in complete misery regarding your wife? Your kids probably know. They can tell if/when you've been fighting or just having a bad day. And, like most kids, just as you try to hide your misery, they will try to hide that they know.

[laorbust61]

Was naive, found out the hard way. Divorce does not turn an angry, controlling spouse into a spouse who is even LESS controlling and angry. The same bs goes on that went on in the marriage, and in liberal Calif, you may find yourself trapped with that situation, where even with primary custody, a mother cannot leave with her children over father's objections. May as well have stayed and not had to struggle financially. But in the long run, he probably would have wound up turning my children against me even worse than he did. What I learned is that a man who only loves himself cannot be forced to love you or the kids. And if controlling you through the children is his game, he doesn't care if he winds up destroying the mental health of his children. Mine ex did that.

[Whyte Byrd]

Originally Posted by Aganusn

It's sensationalist propaganda we've been fed for quite some time: only the authentic, virtuous humans would stick with any situation no matter what and never give up.

Of course, it's fallacious though. People grow and change and can become less compatible.

Well said.

[Huckleberry3911948]

this is a great topic. the concept of divorce as a right and all the laws of enforcement and benefits that come with the right of divorce are deeply ingrained in american culture. we will never never voluntarily give up rights that have been won. only 50 years of change, but it makes a big difference.
trying to ever revoke these rights will be like trying to revoke EEOC laws.
it will be violently opposed.
the only thing that can be revoked is the consent to enter a marriage.
by doing so the draconian laws regarding marriage and divorce remain safely locked up in a cage where they can harm no one.
a man must come to the alter and say "i do" for this dragon to come out of its cage.
its like DWI it cant happen unless u get drunk and jump in the car.

[SD4020]

First time around, I should have trusted my gut and not married the first time around. Then I put up with the bs for too long, meaning I should have divorced her sooner.

I came out way ahead in my divorce. I didn't have children, I did take on most of the debts, I kept the house, I kept my retirement, tools, vehicles etc. I moved to place I wanted to live.

In my case the reason I was angry was gone, life vastly improved. My conclusion while an exception, was a happy ending to a miserable chapter of my life. I do not ever want to revisit that.