Need advice , engaged and my fiancé hasn't touched me in 3+ months and more (marry, woman)

[Tell-the-Truth]

Are you still considering marriage?

[Irishiis49]

Originally Posted by yellowsnow

Your relationship is new and you are newly engaged.

Most people are on their best behavior during this time. If he is already causing you this much heartache, and indulging all his 'fantasies'....it's time to run, not walk away.

OK so he has problems. This guy is always going to have problems. Is he really the kind of guy you want for a partner? I bet he will be a great influence on the kids too. Do you want to spend the rest of your life living like this? Do you think it's good idea to stay with him out of pity? He is already abusive and controlling. He is only going to get worse as he realizes he has POWER over you and can CONTROL you. This is what he is getting off on. Pretty sick!

Run. Do not pass go and do not collect $200. And never look back.

This^ ...enough said!

[OlivesAreAwful]

Everyone is correct. Again I did social work for 10 years , I am ashamed with myself. My self worth is at zero perhaps in the negitive . Where I really need help is how to handle leaving . Let me explaine I'm very sick , with major organ sugary comming up. I have no family that can help and my friends live to far away . I have. 10- 15 day hospital stay followed by a month at least of bed rest and then begin to heal . I feel totally trapped. I'm now in the medical field , and know what I'm up against . 2 major reasons I became a social worker was because I had a crippling co-depended relationship with my mother and big surprise developed anorexia and a super young age . Obviously I didn't get past co dependcy even when I think I have. When he and I first got together I wasn't in great shape but with his help and love at the time I hit so strong and to a place with my ED I had never been before. I could eat with him , cook eat new foods and even enjoy food. I feel like he have that gift to me . I gave up my house when we moved in so I could pay rent here . I have no home , very little money and moutain of medical bills ( all because of this unexpected issue that I now have ) I have a car but I don't see me recoverying alone from major sugary in it. Yes he meets the diagnostic criteria of passive aggressive personality . But if he wanted to change if he really wanted to get help he could . I still take care of him, get his meds , buy proper food for a bi polar spend crazy money on vitimans to help him . That's my OCD that is how I quell my anxiety . I'm an idiot I have no idea what to do . And the fear of him some how finding this post is also scaring me . I've becOme a cliché . And I must be insane if I still believe he will want to get help. There are so many other factors with him. Let's also say he is a legal pot head. The crap terrifies me I've read all about it . He's been a regualar use for over a year . That substance can also be to blame for a lot of his behavior . It's also very difficult to come off of. It's make you violent and with someone with a predisposition for that it's so much worse. He would like to get off of this stuff but is truly haveing a hard time . I can't help with that. I'm so sorry for. How pathetic this all is. I'm just at a breaking point. All of the feedback has been wonderful , you are all strangers to me yet give caring advice thank you all so much

[tarragon]

How old is your fiance? Most of the guys I know in their 20's and 30's are full of testosterone. I have a friend who also has a fiance who is 28 and isn't interested in relations with her but only 3 times a year. He recently joined a gym so she is hoping that will help in that department. They've been together 9 years and are getting married this summer. She complains as well, but is still going to walk down the aisle.

[NY Annie]

Women's shelter. NOW.

You are being abused - you know that. You have no where to go and no funds. Do you have an alternative? You will get counselling both mental health and financial. You will be helped to apply for social services. If you spent 10 years in the mental health field, you KNOW that while you are in crisis, your thinking is not optimum. So get out now. Just go. Take what you need - clothing and personal items. If you don't know how to contact the local women's shelter, then call the police department. Often shelters are only available through the PD or social services.

[cpg35223]

Originally Posted by OlivesAreAwful

I don't know where to begin . My fiancé knows how I feel and had forbidden me to speak to anyone about this. I suppose this is breaking the rules. So we have been together for 2 years and living together for most of that . As these situations go its starts out like other posts I've read. Everything was great in the beginning . We were happy , had a great sex life . We spoke about everything And were very close . My life was going very well, however things in his were not and I wouldn't find that out until 3 months in . I can not write down the exact situations as I'm so worried I'll be found out but I can explain to an extent . 3 months in he lost his job and had some not so terrible legal issues . He became seriously depressed. I am / was at the time in the psych field. Was able to get him to a doctor I trusted and he was able to get on Meds for a mood disorder that I felt was / is a large part of his proble
. Meds worked he got his life back on track school, new job . When the sex first stopped I figured it was the depression and the Meds . After he was feeling better things didn't change. I came home from work 3-11 shift to find out ( we had been together 10 months at that point that he was on social networking and dating sites as a single man and e mailing with women about possibly dating . His profiles said he was into social stuff that he wasn't . I imeditly confronted him about this. He decided the best idea what to delete all of th accounts in front of me explaIned that this was all fantasy he was very sorry at first but when I didn't imeditly perk up he totally flipped out and began to blame me . Should have done things differently then. I was told we could never speak about this again It was over and I should get over it too. Instead I became very specious of all of his Internet activity and internalized the entire thing. This is comming from a man who says he is 100% not cheater
And tha this was not in fact cheating in anyway . Fast foreword to 3 months later . I was out work and unable to find a job , home all of the time and everything was horrid. No sex, no intimacy . If I brought up my feelings I was berated , told he was sick of me being home All of the time. I often wanted to visit and stay with friends but was told that , that meant I was giving up. It seemed to me I was with a passive aggressive personality type. I still loved/love him vey much as there were some good times and we are intalecually vey compatable . So in march of 11 I found a great job , full time everything I wanted in my work life was fantastic . Our sex life went up and down , I was often tired from work but would never turn down sex. Then in the summer unexpectedly became severely ill. I still am and waiting to have major sugary in the next two months . I am nOt able to work howeve I am on pain management alloud to have sex just have to be careful. Afte I got sick the sex of corse disappeared . That was fine until I was in a place where I needed that kind of intamacy again . Had my dr explain to my partner that it was ok, in fact good to have Intamacy again. But it didn't really happen. However I found that he has been watching porn constantly . Every time I tried to address this in the kindest way , he blew up. Then started saying it was his anxiety and depression. I Asked if we could just have intamacy no sex, he agreed. But every time this was to happen he crashed out . Now it's been over three months since we have had sEx mind you I have been able to give him ahhh... Personal attention. I'm told this is wrong but 1. I do love humans enjoy making him feel good 2. It's as close to intamacy as I can get. Christmas , my birthday our engagement night nothing happened . I feel that because of the medication I'm on I have a hard time hiding how I feel or talking about this issue and it's always with out fail a huge fight and I am blamed . I am told that I am to hard to please sexually , I explained that I don't need to have an orgasim to enjoy love making . It's the intamacy I really need. I'm scared and just want to feel close to him in every way. I would learn that he does not enjoy pleasing me sexually. That was a huge blow, don't know how to process that . He said hE would see someone ( a therapist ) and has not. I ca no longer bring the issue up as it has been beaten tO dEath. He knows how I feel, I am lost and can not mak a major decisssion while I'm still sick. He does say lots of nice things to me. He hugs me. But the intamacy is gone and I feel alone . I'm not able to separate what's going on with us from my own personal anxiety . I'm lost don't know what to do. I have many reasons why I love this man. It may seem insane but I care for him as much as humanly possible . I think he is gorgeous . I'm unable to even fantasize about other men. I only want him. I am leaving a ton of stuff out and apologize about type o's and Mis spelling I am on an android smart phone it's the only way I can keep this private .maybe I just needed to vent maybe advice will help, I know I am a challanging partner but I am very loving and caring . I just miss him so much and he is often right next to me. But to wake up every day and see be spent time with porn knowing how I feel is heart breaking. I hate all if this and feel like a baby and a whiner. Thanks to whom ever reads this again sorry for the poor writing .

Run for your life. The hell of it is, this is before you're married. If he is this abusive now, what do you think he would be like AFTER you're married?

[OlivesAreAwful]

Again, I am greatful for everyone's advice! It goes to show just how out of my mind I am if I didn't for a moment consider this abuse as much as a passive aggressive neglect . I also have two beloved cats . Apparently I have a lot of serious thinking to do and need to seek some outside help. Thanks again truly .

[Tinawina]

Originally Posted by OlivesAreAwful

Everyone is correct. Again I did social work for 10 years , I am ashamed with myself. My self worth is at zero perhaps in the negitive . Where I really need help is how to handle leaving . Let me explaine I'm very sick , with major organ sugary comming up. I have no family that can help and my friends live to far away . I have. 10- 15 day hospital stay followed by a month at least of bed rest and then begin to heal . I feel totally trapped. I'm now in the medical field , and know what I'm up against . 2 major reasons I became a social worker was because I had a crippling co-depended relationship with my mother and big surprise developed anorexia and a super young age . Obviously I didn't get past co dependcy even when I think I have. When he and I first got together I wasn't in great shape but with his help and love at the time I hit so strong and to a place with my ED I had never been before. I could eat with him , cook eat new foods and even enjoy food. I feel like he have that gift to me . I gave up my house when we moved in so I could pay rent here . I have no home , very little money and moutain of medical bills ( all because of this unexpected issue that I now have ) I have a car but I don't see me recoverying alone from major sugary in it. Yes he meets the diagnostic criteria of passive aggressive personality . But if he wanted to change if he really wanted to get help he could . I still take care of him, get his meds , buy proper food for a bi polar spend crazy money on vitimans to help him . That's my OCD that is how I quell my anxiety . I'm an idiot I have no idea what to do . And the fear of him some how finding this post is also scaring me . I've becOme a cliché . And I must be insane if I still believe he will want to get help. There are so many other factors with him. Let's also say he is a legal pot head. The crap terrifies me I've read all about it . He's been a regualar use for over a year . That substance can also be to blame for a lot of his behavior . It's also very difficult to come off of. It's make you violent and with someone with a predisposition for that it's so much worse. He would like to get off of this stuff but is truly having a hard time . I can't help with that. I'm so sorry for. How pathetic this all is. I'm just at a breaking point. All of the feedback has been wonderful , you are all strangers to me yet give caring advice thank you all so much

You don't want to depend on him during your recovery. Go to a women's shelter or talk to your doctor about other facilities you can use.

Everything you feel for him could be felt down the road for someone who is not abusive. Break it off and move on. It is painful but it would be even more painful to stay with him and god forbid, have kids. What would it do to your kids to have him as a dad? You had a dysfunctional parent so you already know the answer. THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO BREAK THE CYCLE. SAVE YOUR FUTURE CHILDREN AND GET OUT NOW.

[NY Annie]

You can find a cat-sitter to foster your cats. Call the local animal shelter - go to PetsMart and ask.

[stan4]

This is the beginning of your relationship.
If it's this terrible now, how is marrying him going to fix it?