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Old 02-04-2012, 12:42 PM
5 posts, read 12,889 times
Reputation: 10


I don't know where to begin . My fiancé knows how I feel and had forbidden me to speak to anyone about this. I suppose this is breaking the rules. So we have been together for 2 years and living together for most of that . As these situations go its starts out like other posts I've read. Everything was great in the beginning . We were happy , had a great sex life . We spoke about everything And were very close . My life was going very well, however things in his were not and I wouldn't find that out until 3 months in . I can not write down the exact situations as I'm so worried I'll be found out but I can explain to an extent . 3 months in he lost his job and had some not so terrible legal issues . He became seriously depressed. I am / was at the time in the psych field. Was able to get him to a doctor I trusted and he was able to get on Meds for a mood disorder that I felt was / is a large part of his proble
. Meds worked he got his life back on track school, new job . When the sex first stopped I figured it was the depression and the Meds . After he was feeling better things didn't change. I came home from work 3-11 shift to find out ( we had been together 10 months at that point that he was on social networking and dating sites as a single man and e mailing with women about possibly dating . His profiles said he was into social stuff that he wasn't . I imeditly confronted him about this. He decided the best idea what to delete all of th accounts in front of me explaIned that this was all fantasy he was very sorry at first but when I didn't imeditly perk up he totally flipped out and began to blame me . Should have done things differently then. I was told we could never speak about this again It was over and I should get over it too. Instead I became very specious of all of his Internet activity and internalized the entire thing. This is comming from a man who says he is 100% not cheater
And tha this was not in fact cheating in anyway . Fast foreword to 3 months later . I was out work and unable to find a job , home all of the time and everything was horrid. No sex, no intimacy . If I brought up my feelings I was berated , told he was sick of me being home All of the time. I often wanted to visit and stay with friends but was told that , that meant I was giving up. It seemed to me I was with a passive aggressive personality type. I still loved/love him vey much as there were some good times and we are intalecually vey compatable . So in march of 11 I found a great job , full time everything I wanted in my work life was fantastic . Our sex life went up and down , I was often tired from work but would never turn down sex. Then in the summer unexpectedly became severely ill. I still am and waiting to have major sugary in the next two months . I am nOt able to work howeve I am on pain management alloud to have sex just have to be careful. Afte I got sick the sex of corse disappeared . That was fine until I was in a place where I needed that kind of intamacy again . Had my dr explain to my partner that it was ok, in fact good to have Intamacy again. But it didn't really happen. However I found that he has been watching porn constantly . Every time I tried to address this in the kindest way , he blew up. Then started saying it was his anxiety and depression. I Asked if we could just have intamacy no sex, he agreed. But every time this was to happen he crashed out . Now it's been over three months since we have had sEx mind you I have been able to give him ahhh... Personal attention. I'm told this is wrong but 1. I do love humans enjoy making him feel good 2. It's as close to intamacy as I can get. Christmas , my birthday our engagement night nothing happened . I feel that because of the medication I'm on I have a hard time hiding how I feel or talking about this issue and it's always with out fail a huge fight and I am blamed . I am told that I am to hard to please sexually , I explained that I don't need to have an orgasim to enjoy love making . It's the intamacy I really need. I'm scared and just want to feel close to him in every way. I would learn that he does not enjoy pleasing me sexually. That was a huge blow, don't know how to process that . He said hE would see someone ( a therapist ) and has not. I ca no longer bring the issue up as it has been beaten tO dEath. He knows how I feel, I am lost and can not mak a major decisssion while I'm still sick. He does say lots of nice things to me. He hugs me. But the intamacy is gone and I feel alone . I'm not able to separate what's going on with us from my own personal anxiety . I'm lost don't know what to do. I have many reasons why I love this man. It may seem insane but I care for him as much as humanly possible . I think he is gorgeous . I'm unable to even fantasize about other men. I only want him. I am leaving a ton of stuff out and apologize about type o's and Mis spelling I am on an android smart phone it's the only way I can keep this private .maybe I just needed to vent maybe advice will help, I know I am a challanging partner but I am very loving and caring . I just miss him so much and he is often right next to me. But to wake up every day and see be spent time with porn knowing how I feel is heart breaking. I hate all if this and feel like a baby and a whiner. Thanks to whom ever reads this again sorry for the poor writing .
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Old 02-04-2012, 12:54 PM
297 posts, read 590,109 times
Reputation: 304
Originally Posted by OlivesAreAwful View Post
...My fiancé knows how I feel and had forbidden me to speak to anyone about this...

That is unacceptable in my book!

I encourage everyone I know to talk about problems they are having with 5 other people. Then what most of them say is usually good advice.

I do not always have the best advice. And that is what I tell my friends. So when I give personal advice, I always suggest that they ask 4 other people about the situation.

Anyway more advice will follow below! Good thing you are asking...
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Old 02-04-2012, 12:56 PM
Location: southern california
53,432 posts, read 68,342,798 times
Reputation: 45012
he is a wonderful man and u love him and want so much to be happy and married forever and have children and a home and everything that goes with it. he has a good job is smart and is great in the sack everything is perfect, except he is crazy.

get help now dont isolate, that is fatal.
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Old 02-04-2012, 12:59 PM
5 posts, read 12,889 times
Reputation: 10
So far I'm hearing pretty much what I would say to a friend and expected . Still , I don't know how to handle this.
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Old 02-04-2012, 01:00 PM
5 posts, read 12,889 times
Reputation: 10
Btw thank you so much for replying !! I think I need to hear ( read ) all of this
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Old 02-04-2012, 01:12 PM
Location: Las Vegas
12,351 posts, read 22,272,343 times
Reputation: 20970
Your relationship is new and you are newly engaged.

Most people are on their best behavior during this time. If he is already causing you this much heartache, and indulging all his 'fantasies'....it's time to run, not walk away.

OK so he has problems. This guy is always going to have problems. Is he really the kind of guy you want for a partner? I bet he will be a great influence on the kids too. Do you want to spend the rest of your life living like this? Do you think it's good idea to stay with him out of pity? He is already abusive and controlling. He is only going to get worse as he realizes he has POWER over you and can CONTROL you. This is what he is getting off on. Pretty sick!

Run. Do not pass go and do not collect $200. And never look back.
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Old 02-04-2012, 01:29 PM
3,261 posts, read 4,271,954 times
Reputation: 3954
Honestly, there are so many red flags in this relationship, I won't get into all of them. You need to get out NOW and save yourself. Start taking a good look at yourself and your own self worth. This relationship has been all about him, on his terms, and you're not even married yet.

He's shutting you down and demanding you live and feel on his terms. By staying & accommodating him, you have gifted him with the power to keep chipping away at you and taking every little bit of you (the individual) that's still left away. He is controlling and passive-aggressive (flip side of the same coin IMO) and things will only get worse. You'll find that as time goes on, you will be just an empty shell of a person that has given up on themselves and their right to happiness.
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Old 02-04-2012, 01:31 PM
Location: Forks,WA
2,937 posts, read 2,687,152 times
Reputation: 1503
Bad sign...get out while you can.
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Old 02-04-2012, 01:40 PM
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
24,671 posts, read 51,031,057 times
Reputation: 26265
Originally Posted by OlivesAreAwful View Post
So far I'm hearing pretty much what I would say to a friend and expected . Still , I don't know how to handle this.
You handle it by leaving. This is a classic example of an abusive relationship where you're getting to the point of believing that it's normal. It's not, it's horrible and you deserve so much better for yourself. You've already put two years into this relationship and that's more than enough. Unless this is the sort of life you want to live and the sort of man you want to spend the rest of your life with, get out now, please. Good luck!
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Old 02-04-2012, 01:42 PM
11,555 posts, read 13,135,075 times
Reputation: 12709
You've said...he does not enjoy pleasing you sexually....no way should you be giving him "personal attention"....it's a two way street...what's good for the goose is good for the gander....you need to quit putting yourself down (I know I am a challenging partner)...why do you say that....is it him telling you that....sounds more to me that he is the challenging partner....don't sell yourself short....YOU are the one working....YOU are the one who helped the bf get meds for his depression.....I think he needs you more than you need him...believe it....he's definately NOT ALL THAT.
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