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I'm sorry but you don't just say those things to your SO without real meaning behind it. That's pretty extreme. I mean if my SO told me that shyt, I'd tell them to get the F out.
... so she can have "alone time" for about a week. We've had some difficult talks over the past week. She says I don't make her happy. She says I'm like "food with no nutrients." She says we have nothing in common. She says other people represent "life" and I represent "death." She says I give her a bottomless black hole in her soul.
She's obviously not happy with me but I want to make it work. We've been married 8 years. I love her. I know this sounds really screwed up, but should I go on the week long vacation by myself and give her some time?
I'm going to vote no. My gut says, if you do, she'll be in bed with someone else. How about a week long couples retreat.
There is just something that really grates on me about her issue with you. Being social has got to be way down on the list of reasons why I'd want to leave someone. Sure, having fun together as a couple does help the bond but it's something that could easily be worked out, like having a designated date night. Would that be so hard to do for you and why if she was complaining before, you just couldn't be budged? Or is she much younger and needs to party frequently or is it on a scale you're not comfortable with? Does she drink a lot or do drugs?
Her actions suggest that her needs come before the marriage. And she thinks you're the one who needs counseling as if her behavior is perfect? Not saying you are either, but you both need to go together. She went way off into 'can't take it back' territory which looms over your heads like a dark cloud. You said she knew she would look bad in counseling, what's that about? Even if she didn't mean it and was just trying to shock you out of complacency, there are more effective ways to communicate and that's what you both need to learn.
Insist on both of you go to counseling because you both need it. She is not the innocent one. You have been hurt too. It's not about who's right or wrong, it's about understanding each other and learning how to communicate effectively.
I know in my situation, I'm not the most social guy out there but my wife just flat out is anti social at times. Because of that i think we tend to bring out the worst in each other in that respect and we just don't see other people much. Im not talking about partying every weekend like we were in college or going to a rave every weekend, more like when a new couple moved in next door and they did not have kids (we don't either) I wanted to at least have them over for dinner since we live next door and all but nope, she would have nothing of it. As we've gotten older the few friends we have have had kids, moved away, etc and I'm sitting here climbing the walls when we sit and watch tv every night on opposite ends of the couch each with an iPad.
We will go out and eat occasionally, but I just have to wonder what will happen down the road when we are retired. Will we be just staring at each other all day because she just can't be bothered to communicate with people? I'm 41 now and clearly going through a mid life crisis and what I have been doing is examining what is important to me and at this point, I just can't imagine spending the rest of my life with her. (there's other issues of course, this is not the only one).
What I'm saying is you never know what one issue that seems so unimportant to you might be doing in your partners head, hence the suggestions for counseling are dead on. Try to understand this as if you are still young you have time to come to a better understanding of each other and have the potential for a better quality of life or if it just won't work out you have time to move on. One thing that won't help is ignoring it and hoping it will get better as you'll just be older and more unhappy. Take it from me.
Last edited by Sherifftruman; 02-11-2012 at 07:50 AM..
She said if I'm more social, she doesn't need me to take a vacation.
Sorry, but that sounds as if she's sparing your life. If she's really sorry she should apologize for handing you an ultimatum and try to solve issues in a more positive way instead.
Man, there are some people on this message board who are very quick to throw in the towel. When I say I love her and want to make it work, I mean it. Tonight she apologized for the hurtful words, and I said I'd try to meet her needs more - mainly she wants me to go out and being social with her. She said if I'm more social, she doesn't need me to take a vacation.
It is clear to me you will do anything to salvage this relationship. And she is willing as well.
So good!
All you need to do is CLEARLY communicate (both ways) as to what is wanted or expected.
So far as "meeting her needs more" and "being social with her", get a pad of paper. Then ask her specific things you can do which she wants. Write these things down.
For example she may want you to hug her, sit next to her, touch her, etc.
It might be simple things like that. Easy (and fun) to do. But because you are not doing these things, you may not know *specifically* what she wants you to do.
And not your fault if no one ever taught you to do these things. But you can learn now.
I just have to wonder what will happen down the road when we are retired. Will we be just staring at each other all day because she just can't be bothered to communicate with people? I'm 41 now and clearly going through a mid life crisis and what I have been doing is examining what is important to me and at this point, I just can't imagine spending the rest of my life with her.
This is almost verbatim my wife's train of thought. She's woken up in the middle of the night with nightmares about being "47 and lonely". She can't imagine getting older and not being social with others. Being introverted or anti-social is extremely hard for many to understand. People like myself or your wife can be completely fulfilled at home, with a book or an ipad. Some people can't do that, it makes them crawl up the wall. It's not wrong, just different.
Can a relationship between an introvert and extrovert be successful? I don't know, but I'm bending a little more in my wife's extroverted direction to make it work. The many good comments on this board have encouraged me to not let it fall apart. Thank you.
To the comment about intercepting the attraction to the coworker, how do I do that? They see each other every day at work. Short of getting a job in her office, not sure what I can do to "intercept". I think that's one I have to defer to trust.
The many good comments on this board have encouraged me to not let it fall apart. Thank you.
To the comment about intercepting the attraction to the coworker, how do I do that? They see each other every day at work. Short of getting a job in her office, not sure what I can do to "intercept". I think that's one I have to defer to trust.
Good for you. Maybe she'll try, too.
Intercepting the coworker can be done by keeping her attention on you. Can you meet her for lunch? Put a note in her lunch (or purse or bag or whatever she uses)? Send a text? Have a flower delivered with an invitation to dinner?
Or just try the 30 days of sex thing and make sure she's too tired to even think about the coworker!
Intercepting the coworker can be done by keeping her attention on you. Can you meet her for lunch? Put a note in her lunch (or purse or bag or whatever she uses)? Send a text? Have a flower delivered with an invitation to dinner?
Or just try the 30 days of sex thing and make sure she's too tired to even think about the coworker!
She says I'm smothering her when I do anything like that. I think all she really wants from me is to go out with her and her co-workers to parties and drink beer. And I'm going to do that, if that's what makes her happy.
LOL at the 30 days of sex. When I try to get her in the mood, acceptance rate is about 1-3%.
She says I'm smothering her when I do anything like that. I think all she really wants from me is to go out with her and her co-workers to parties and drink beer. And I'm going to do that, if that's what makes her happy.
LOL at the 30 days of sex. When I try to get her in the mood, acceptance rate is about 1-3%.
Are you f*cking serious? Are you listening to yourself? She says you're smothering her bc you do nice things? You really think that all she wants is for you to go out with she and her friends and drink a beer? Wake up man. If it was that simple she wouldn't be saying crazy sh*t to like what you mentioned in the first post of this thread. She wouldn't be talking about sleeping with the co-worker if you don't become more sociable. She wouldn't be saying that you're smothering her when you do nice things. She's supposed to be your wife. Why does she get so upset bc you're nice to her? think about that.
What person of quality says sh*t like that? No one is the answer. It sounds like she has her mind made up and the being sociable thing is an excuse to eventually dump your as*. Yet you're still sitting here thinking that you can make it work with this woman that says you're a black hole to her soul. What the h*ll man. And no, being more sociable isn't going to make you stop being a black hole to her soul. Those are hateful words man. This woman doesn't like your as* and you're too blinded to understand that. Wake up before it's to late.
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