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Try a different tactic. If you meet a girl you want to date, don't be a friend first. Just ask her out. If she says No, you haven't invested a lot of time and emotions on someone who really has no interest in you.
Besides, they still really don't want you, only what you can provide.
Win!!1!!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by jobaba
I have further advice for you. If you want to avoid further bitterness towards women, for chrissake, stay off relationship forums.
You will read posts and threads by so many women who screen guys for a gazillion dealbreakers, feel self entitled to only the most handsome successful men, talk about how guys are too wussy and passive because they couldn't decide where to get desert, talk about how they know within the first five seconds of meeting a guy whether or not they are going to sleep with him, etc, etc...
Basically, there are shining examples of all of the negative stereotypes you have of women being shallow, narrow, and petty on relationship forums and in droves. Much more so than in real life. Such women flock to relationship forums.
Although City Data is better than some of the others.
Every time I’ve allowed myself to like a girl, the girl shows disinterest in having a relationship. I’m smart enough to avoid developing affection for attached women but single girls are no more receptive to dating.
Your real problem is supply and demand.
I am going to give you the clearest insight you are every going to get. Are you ready?
90% of the men in this world are after about 10% of the women. That is why strippers and hookers can actually make a living, and hot women pretty much own the dating world. The hot woman can be married, single, with kids, without kids, it doesn't even matter. Men will sit up and beg for a her. And she is well aware of this fact. And men agree on what is hot, or playboy would have been out of business 20 years ago. So lets drop the city data b-sht about how "even fat women can be in high demand". Dam that gets old.
So maybe try being a little less shallow and actually dating women based on personality and not looks. That alone will make you stand out from the crowd.
Yesterday, I got definitively friend-zoned by someone who I’d been hanging out with for months. We seem to have some chemistry together; we have similar hobbies and goals. Yet, she gave me a lame excuse for not wanting to date me:
The biggest thing that stand out to me here is that you hung out with her for months, then tried to date her. You friend-zoned yourself by going in as a friend and creating this buddy-buddy relationship first. You put yourself in that friend zone and now its hard for her to see you as anything else.
Next time, if you want to date a girl, try to date her upfront. Make your attraction known right away and try to take her out, woo her, etc.
But soon as you fall in the friend zone, its pretty impossible to get out.
The biggest thing that stand out to me here is that you hung out with her for months, then tried to date her. You friend-zoned yourself by going in as a friend and creating this buddy-buddy relationship first. You put yourself in that friend zone and now its hard for her to see you as anything else.
Next time, if you want to date a girl, try to date her upfront. Make your attraction known right away and try to take her out, woo her, etc.
But soon as you fall in the friend zone, its pretty impossible to get out.
True, but it is sad. Supposedly, women (even today) are looking for something stable and secure. Where better to find that but in a friend? People in general (but perhaps more especially women) put too much emphasis on "chemistry", imo. You're almost sure to obtain chemistry if you give it time, anyway. But your prospective SO's personality is much less likely to change, even if you have MASSIVE chemistry.
To the OP:
I have a two-part philosophy. One line I stole from Live's "Feel the Quiet River Rage"...
"always fighting the storm
buildin' shelter to house our lack of love
we're only here for a while
tear it down and suffer the wound"
...which I take to mean, Don't fear love and any of its consequences. Get out there and enjoy it like a roller coaster, knowing it's gonna go up and down!
And the rest is a statement that, to the best of my knowledge, I came up with:
It isn't about what you've been going through, it's about what you've been while going through it,
which simply means you shouldn't let any sort of pain change you into something worse (i.e., more jaded) than you were before.
I have further advice for you. If you want to avoid further bitterness towards women, for chrissake, stay off relationship forums.
You will read posts and threads by so many women who screen guys for a gazillion dealbreakers, feel self entitled to only the most handsome successful men, talk about how guys are too wussy and passive because they couldn't decide where to get desert, talk about how they know within the first five seconds of meeting a guy whether or not they are going to sleep with him, etc, etc...
Basically, there are shining examples of all of the negative stereotypes you have of women being shallow, narrow, and petty on relationship forums and in droves. Much more so than in real life. Such women flock to relationship forums.
Although City Data is better than some of the others.
I guess you don't read any threads by men.
Yeah, only women do this...
Just change the word women to men and you have CD.
I really resent this. I offer advice to men here as I would to my brothers, who I love and respect. You are the epitome of a bitter, wretched man. Also, I've read advice from other women that are also very supportive and trying to help men but you guys just never want to listen.
The bolded part of your post holds true for everyone. News flash: physical attraction or attraction period is important for men AND women.
There is no reason to lie on forums. Women and men are giving the unfiltered truth and yes, it's been hard for me to swallow at times but I appreciate it and take it all with a grain of salt. And there is such a wide variety of viewpoints, from both men and women that I can't see where you're lumping them all into one group. Well, I can, if you come here with prejudice and just gleam what you want rather than come here with an open mind and digest what is offered.
Ah well, you can lead a horse to water....
Knowing whether you're going to sleep and enter into a relationship with somebody within the first 5 seconds of meeting them is, let's just say ... not deep. So what?
Do things your way. But the OP should be looking at women who will more give men a chance and get to know them. If he were one of those 5 second men, then he wouldn't be on here complaining. Got it?
Quote:
Originally Posted by chielgirl
I guess you don't read any threads by men.
Yeah, only women do this...
Just change the word women to men and you have CD.
Yea. You're probably right. But the OP is a man. Also, I think shallow and petty men are not so much on relationship forums as much as their female counterparts.
The way I see it is that even if I'm down on dating or in a rut, I don't ever want to close myself off from the opportunity to meet the love of my life. You never know when or where you'll meet her, and if you let someone else who isn't worth your time affect you and ruin your attitude then you could miss that chance to meet that special someone.
I don't believe in "true love" or "the one" but I do feel there are very few people I really truly connect with. I've had a couple of women I've just instantly and easily connected with a few times in my life and I met them in the craziest of places, the oddest of times, and even one was a woman I had known for years growing up with and still great friends to this day. If I close myself off from meeting that next person I that I really connect with then I only hurt myself.
Quote: "Yesterday, I got definitively friend-zoned by someone who I’d been hanging out with for months. We seem to have some chemistry together; we have similar hobbies and goals. Yet, she gave me a lame excuse for not wanting to date me: she doesn’t want to experience the drama of a relationship—"
That's your problem. WHY oh why are you hanging out for months with someone without asking them out clearly? I don't blame you for feeling emotionally invested and let down BUT for all that is holy, do not emotionally invest in someone in such a passive way hoping it will turn into something because you think it should.
I have great looking guy friends who hit on women constantly. Their success rate is really low, even just to take an average woman home for that night.
I don't know what your goal is but if it's a relationship with a girl you like, ask her out directly on a date. Right away, ask her. If the answer is no, move on to the next. Don't hang around hoping she'll change her mind. The guys I know who are successful at dating, ask directly, if they get a no, they move on. NO hanging out after that. Cut your loses and move on.
I take it you are more of a sensitive guy but the advice holds true. You're going to have to grow a thicker skin and learn to want only those who want you. Stop building these women up so much to something important and that you would be so great together. Build yourself up and be more discerning. When you meet someone and seem to hit it off, ask her out on a date. Not hang out but a date so she knows. Rejection is 90%+ and that's ok because it only takes one great person to make it worth it. The bad boys or hot guys most here talk about that I know deal with this all the time. It's no different, it's just that they understand that aspect of interpersonal relationships and don't let it get to them. They say only the strong survive and that is still the case it seems when it comes to breeding. You can choose your fate. Play smart and you'll be fine. Play like a fool, and you'll be played like a fool.
Excellent advice, especially the stuff I highlighted in pink!!
As so many others have said, becoming friends with someone for months establishes that type of relationship. I think it's rare for a friendship to develop into a romantic relationship after that.
Any man I've ever been interested in or who was interested in me, a date was asked for right up front. We didn't spend time getting to know each other before going on a date. I wasn't looking to accumulate male friends, and no one I know ever did that either. You liked someone, you asked them out. On that first date, you got a feel for whether or not you'd like a second date and a chance to get to know them better.
IMO, there has to be some sort of attraction at first (doesn't have to be physical, could be intellectual, a common interest/hobby, whatever). The person you ultimately end up with as a partner/spouse should be your friend as well as lover, but you don't need to establish the friendship first.
And as for rejection, it happens to EVERYONE. No one is exempt from it. You have to put yourself out there, and take the good with the bad, that's the gamble of love. My ex-husband cheated on me, we'd been together 13 years. He didn't put much effort into our marriage, got very selfish over time. I can't even begin to describe the pain of a marriage ending, but even still, I'm not jaded and cynical, I'm willing to risk it all and put myself out there and chance getting hurt again, because I want to love and be loved, have that partnership/companionship with another.
Some of it is also perception. Just because it doesn't work out doesn't mean it's rejection, it just wasn't the right fit for one of you. It doesn't always mean there's something wrong with you either. But maybe you're making the wrong choice in women based on your friendship-first strategy, maybe you're choosing women based on shallow reasons, who knows. You can only change yourself so if there's a pattern developing, you're the one who needs to break out of it and try something different.
Lastly, as others have said, sometimes you need to stop trying, and just wait for it to happen. I can say 100% that every guy I ever had a LTR relationship with (a year or more), it happened when I wasn't looking and when I least expected it. Heck, my current SO I met a few months after my ex-husband left. I wasn't looking at all, the last thing I ever expected or thought I wanted, but he is, dare I say it, the perfect fit for me.
Best of luck to you in your journey!
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