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On one hand, I think it's great that single moms face less stigma.
I feel 2 ways about it. I'm not into demonizing people. But at the same time, people now act as if there's no problem and that no mistake was made. The evidence by secular researchers is now overwhelming that kids who grow up in married 2 parent families do significantly better in life than kids who don't. The stigma of single parenthood protected women (and to some extent men) from acting on their base impulses and the resultant poverty and struggle that often ensues for single parents and their children.
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Originally Posted by Snd485
and that women have more independence and ability to create a life on their own, without having to depend on a men..
But how independent are most single moms really? Most live in poverty or semi poverty....especially those who started out that way.
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Originally Posted by Snd485
I was raised by a wonderful single mom and my grandmother (who was a single mom herself). But I also think it's sad that men's contributions to raising a family are discounted and I worry about what kind of fathers this new generation will grow up to be.
I think you're contradicting yourself here. I think it's because most kids from single parent families don't really know or understand what they missed. And if they love their parents, they don't like to admit their parents made a major mistake....so they continue the pattern since it's easier and less painful to think that it's no big deal.
Last edited by mysticaltyger; 02-28-2012 at 02:33 AM..
I just don't see why people want to have kids, especially unmarried, in the first place. The direction this country is going in is lousy, and you want to raise a kid like that! Very cruel and unusual!
I think the same thing. I don't get why people want kids at all, but I can sort of see it if it's in a planned 2 parent family. But to do it as as a single parent??? It really doesn't sound like a happy or fulfilling life at all.
You have to understand that a large portion of single mothers tend to come from a more disadvantged part of society which skews the numbers a bit. Lets see how much it affects people from middle to upper middle class with a good support structure .
My understanding is middle class kids from single parent families do better than kids from the hood, but not as well as their middle class peers.
This may be true but there is a big difference in outcomes between this older woman knowingly and intelligently choosing to be a single mother and a young woman who gets pregnant expecting that her unmarried relationship will last.
The woman near the end of her child-bearing years is likely to be in a decent financial position to raise a child alone. Presumably, she has her education completed and an established career. And by setting out to be a single parent, she likely has established support.
On the other hand, a 25 year old woman who has a baby and ends up being a single mom at 27 is likely in a very different spot. It's not so fun or liberating to have to run the baby between grandma's and your best friend's house, while you try to make ends-meet as a Walmart cashier.
I definitely agree with that. Quite a difference and no I don't look up on people who get pregnant unexpectedly, are not prepared for it at all, and end up alone with society, family and others doing the raising or supporting or both of their kids. That is unfair to the child. And I know that's usually what happens with single parenting.
I guess I just don't understand how there are people out there that seem to think it's better to have a kid in that situation (which is worse) than a woman of well means who plans, thinks, and prepares for an expected child that she always knew she'd raise alone.
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Originally Posted by mysticaltyger
Well that's just it. Very few really are able to pull that off. And there's generally something missing (emotionally speaking) when there's not a dad in the house. Moms can't replace that. The reverse is also true.
You said a mouthful right there. You don't know what you missed so you operate as if you didn't miss anything. It's an understandable response. It's also one that perpetuates the single parent family model, which at the very least, is a financial failure for most.
I agree. In my case I was lucky to have a very involved grandfather, two uncles, six male cousins and many neighborhood guys who have me more than my share of the male perspective.
My job involves me working with young children and many are in single mother homes. And they, by far, have the most needs, the most emotional problems and the ones most lacking in academic support. I'm not being judgmental just factual. And it concerns us all greatly.
My sister works as an Occupational Therapist in the NYC schools and she says the exact same thing. You two could be quoting each other.
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Originally Posted by ZinniaDreamer
I blame most of it on celebrities that think having a baby is like getting the lastest toy and young girls emulating them. As a result, there are scary societal repercussions that are weakening the family unit more and more each day.
That's my opinion and I'm sticking with it.
I don't think celebrites are the root of it, but my sister also mentioned this. I think it started with the easy divorce culture that began in the 1960s and it progressed from there.
Some researchers actually trace this whole thing back to the advent of the "love marriage" (which gained a foothold in the US in the 19th Century) and say that being in love is pretty much a terrible reason (all by itself) to marry or have a kid with someone. Author Elizabeth Gilbert found that as soon as "love marriage" starts to take hold, the divorce rate begins to rise immediately. Once you have kids growing up in divorced single parent households, the kids think single parenthood is normal and natural and many then get divorced or start out as single parents themselves, starting a multi-generational poverty cycle.
I don't have sex unless I'm heavily armed.
Gotta thank my Roman Catholic upbringing and the 15 yr. old girl in my Catholic school who got pregnant. Scared me to death!
I'm meeting a lot of young single mothers too. Their boyfriends are always in jail or out of work. One mother is deaf but she has a job. Her able bodied boyfriend can't find one . He abused her but she never called the cops. Now he's accusing her of abusing their kids....ugh. Such a horrible situation.
I think it comes from broken homes mostly. I know her mother, she had kids by different dads and had a lousy upbringing.
My question is how does this make them clueless about birth control? Are they looking for unconditional love from a kid since they can't get that from their family and want to get pregnant? Even so far as to pick the same kind of lousy dad that they had? Every time I've asked women who have kids at a young age who weren't married & are struggling, why did they have kids, they just kinda shrug it off, like it's no big deal. Oh, and they're very active on dating sites, going out to bars to meet men just to start the whole process over again.
I guess I just don't understand how there are people out there that seem to think it's better to have a kid in that situation (which is worse) than a woman of well means who plans, thinks, and prepares for an expected child that she always knew she'd raise alone.
I agree that a kid born into this enviornment is going to generally do better BUT:
1. As a proportion of single moms, there aren't many who do this. Women who plan their kids usually plan for a husband as well because it goes together.
2. Even if they are financially ok, the middle class kids with single moms are still missing out emotionally and tend to have more problems.
I will give one example of a well educated single mom I know. She had a kid at 29 as a single mom. While working full time, she went back to school to become a librarian and had a decent paying librarian job with benefits. A very good older male friend of hers and his wife looked after her son. The dad was not in the picture. Being a government worker, she had more vacation, sick time, and holidays than your typical full time private sector worker...but the lack of time and attention for her kid while she was working and going to school for her master's at night took it's toll.
As often happens with single moms, she coddled the son too much and didn't call him on his BS. The husband and wife who helped her raise her son just weren't an adequate substitute for a dad. The son is now in his early 30s and has hardly worked a day in his life and still depends on mom to support him. He's a total pothead as well. I think if she and the dad had been married (or even if they married & subsequently divorced), the outcome would have been better. The kid's dad most likely would have acted as a check on mom's overprotective/coddling tendencies. Dads tend not to put up with BS from their sons like moms do. And I think single parents often feel guilty about being single parents and the time away from their kids, so they are more reluctant to discipline them.
I know the example I gave is anecdotal, but I really think it applies in a lot of situations.
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Originally Posted by Osito
I agree. In my case I was lucky to have a very involved grandfather, two uncles, six male cousins and many neighborhood guys who have me more than my share of the male perspective.
I think extended family can help a lot. It's still not as good as having a dad in the house, but it's a whole lot better than nothing.
Last edited by mysticaltyger; 02-28-2012 at 03:18 AM..
I agree that a kid born into this enviornment is going to generally do better BUT:
1. As a proportion of single moms, there aren't many who do this. Women who plan their kids usually plan for a husband as well because it goes together.
2. Even if they are financially ok, the middle class kids with single moms are still missing out emotionally and tend to have more problems.
I will give one example of a well educated single mom I know. She had a kid at 29 as a single mom. While working full time, she went back to school to become a librarian and had a decent paying librarian job with benefits. A very good older male friend of hers and his wife looked after her son. The dad was not in the picture. Being a government worker, she had more vacation, sick time, and holidays than your typical full time private sector worker...but the lack of time and attention for her kid while she was working and going to school for her master's at night took it's toll.
As often happens with single moms, she coddled the son too much and didn't call him on his BS. The husband and wife who helped her raise her son just weren't an adequate substitute for a dad. The son is now in his early 30s and has hardly worked a day in his life and still depends on mom to support him. He's a total pothead as well. I think if she and the dad had been married (or even if they married & subsequently divorced), the outcome would have been better. The kid's dad most likely would have acted as a check on mom's overprotective/coddling tendencies. Dads tend not to put up with BS from their sons like moms do. And I think single parents often feel guilty about being single parents and the time away from their kids, so they are more reluctant to discipline them.
I know the example I gave is anecdotal, but I really think it applies in a lot of situations.
I think extended family can help a lot. It's still not as good as having a dad in the house, but it's a whole lot better than nothing.
I help take care of my sisters kids, she too is a single mother of two kids, I step and try to be a father figure sometimes, however her kids sitll see me as number or someone to play with and never as a father figure. This can lead to developmental issues not having a father around.
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It really doesn't sound like a happy or fulfilling life at all.
.
. He abused her but she never called the cops. Now he's accusing her of abusing their kids....ugh. Such a horrible situation. 
