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Childfree by choice, here. Yes, "childfree" is a clunky term, but it's accurate. i do view children as something I wish to be free of. They should be actively chosen, not a default program in life.
I had surgery at age 30, although I knew long before I would never be a parent. Now 55, never a moment of wavering. Am polite to children when I must be around them (I even buy a second lemonade at the stand to "empower" them!) but would prefer a life without children in any way. I'm told I'm "good with children," that is, older children, but I find it very draining and do not seek it out.
I might have lost one great guy over it, but it was non-negotiable for both of us. Hey, he's now bitterly divorced with one teenaged son. Hmm...
I think "society" is far harder on women who don't want kids rather than men. Men, at worst, are seen as irresponsible, whereas women are seen as unnatural, mentally ill, unbalanced, etc.
I want to contribute to the world and try to, in my charitable giving and my employment (and in the future, volunteering). I do not think having kids is contributing particularly- you create a situation (have a kid) and if responsible, raise the child as best you can. Had you not had the kid, you wouldn't have had to do any of it, and likely would have more time/energy/resources for any other activity. After all, people have kids because they want them (I hope), not because "society needs people." I know no one has had kids because they worry about my Social Security.
Having kids is an expensive private hobby.
I suggest these books for anyone who is considering having kids:
The Mommy Myth:The Idealization of Motherhood and How It Has Undermined All Women
The Case Against Having Children
Child Free and Loving It
Baby Not on Board: A Celebration of Life without Kids
Families of Two
Beyond Motherhood: Choosing a Life Without Children
The Mask of Motherhood: How Becoming a Mother Changes Our Lives and Why We Never Talk About It
Why Don't You Have Kids?: Living a Full Life Without Parenthood
Some of these might be available at your local library...some may not.
I would suggest [maybe even demand] that they offer more books for those without kids since you can find rows upon rows of books for parents.
Childfree by choice, here. Yes, "childfree" is a clunky term, but it's accurate. i do view children as something I wish to be free of. They should be actively chosen, not a default program in life.
I had surgery at age 30, although I knew long before I would never be a parent. Now 55, never a moment of wavering. Am polite to children when I must be around them (I even buy a second lemonade at the stand to "empower" them!) but would prefer a life without children in any way. I'm told I'm "good with children," that is, older children, but I find it very draining and do not seek it out.
I might have lost one great guy over it, but it was non-negotiable for both of us. Hey, he's now bitterly divorced with one teenaged son. Hmm...
I think "society" is far harder on women who don't want kids rather than men. Men, at worst, are seen as irresponsible, whereas women are seen as unnatural, mentally ill, unbalanced, etc.
I want to contribute to the world and try to, in my charitable giving and my employment (and in the future, volunteering). I do not think having kids is contributing particularly- you create a situation (have a kid) and if responsible, raise the child as best you can. Had you not had the kid, you wouldn't have had to do any of it, and likely would have more time/energy/resources for any other activity. After all, people have kids because they want them (I hope), not because "society needs people." I know no one has had kids because they worry about my Social Security.
Having kids is an expensive private hobby.
They've done plenty of studies proving that childfree couples volunteer more hours and donate more money to charity than their childed counterparts, so there's nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone can contribute to the world in their own ways.
I think it's hilarious that someone who doesn't want noseminers could be called irresponsible, haha, more like responsible! Ecologically, especially, environmentally I mean. It's not like we need more resource-consuming individuals on this planet. That is what drives economic growth, but I'm sorry this planet cannot support even what we have, let alone a bunch more people. At some point we're going to have to pare down or I'm sure nature will do it for us.
A girl who doesn't want kids is to me a girl who really bucked the societal expectations, I see her as a stronger person overall. At least, more willing to go against the grain.
Some food for thought just for the ultra activist childfree and the fencesitters.
I've seen this one alot.. "I know I don't want kids because I know I would be a terrible mother/father" I submit that no one truly "knows" anything. Unless you have seen both sides of the coin, you do not have enough information to form a valid opinion.
There have been plenty of things in my life that when they happened, I considered them to be horrible at the time, the same goes for things that I considered to be extremely great. In the end, they were opposite, the bad things turned out to be great, the good things turned out to be awful. That's the way life is.
It’s the same thing with most people posting on this board, I’m sure that any big decision that takes you down a new path, toward a new goal, or new situation, You always form an idea in your head of what something will be like, and when those goals are reached?... Honestly, how many times is it even remotely close to what you thought it would be?
This childfree thing is turning into more of a “me against you and here’s why†club. The same idea goes for any exclusive idealistic club/group and here’s the breakdown… “ I like belonging to a group that can become part of my identity and in order for me to be in that group I have to do a or b. I feel the need to defend that group and what they stand for at all costs, because, if I don’t, my identity becomes threatened. Also, in order for this whole thing to work, the group’s main ideal has to be absolute and unwavering, this way we can be right forever and they can be wrong forever.†Why else would the phrase “I used to be Childfree†ruffle so many feathers?
Oh yeah, I forgot this one. “If the group is small enough, we should develop a victim mentality so maybe we won’t get asked too many questions that may make us angry or self-conscious.â€
Democrats/Republicans, liberal/conservative, bloods/crips. Are you really helping someone, or recruiting them to validate and strengthen your own identity, your own choices?
There seems to be growing hostility on both sides of the fence and it is not fair to fence sitters. Why is it so hard to get sterilized without already having a child, why is it so hard to fathom someone could possibly make a lifelong decision like that. Because… it is insane for someone to actually believe that they would like or dislike something for a fact without experiencing it firsthand.
The Childfree by Choice and the ones with Children, both are valid in their arguments, but the ones with children have the most validity as far as experience goes.. To the Ultra Activist/bitter childfree people, (not the moderates, they are cool).. let the ones with children talk without jumping on them. I mean, would you rather have someone that has been to or is from Rome tell you about the city, or someone that has only seen Rome from pictures and stories.. The fact is that the people with children have seen both sides of the fence, the people without them have only seen one side.
Also the notion of "go watch someone's children, and see if it is for you". Well other people’s kids have absolutely nothing to do with the experience of having and caring for your own children. Happiness is always fleeting, we all have ups and downs, you can choose to have someone to share it with, or not. That's what it comes down to, you can divorce or lose a pet, and it hurts. But from what I've heard, losing a child is a lifelong pain that cannot even be described; which leads me to believe, that the opposite of that loss, is greater than or equal.
The one thing we all have in common, is that one day we are going to be bones and dust. If you aren’t in that shape already, try to experience all that life has to offer… travel, friends, success, and yes possibly….. even kids.. You don’t have to make a lifelong decision and join any club.
I just don’t like people pretending to know what’s best for them based on little or no personal knowledge, because they really don’t. Unless you’ve experienced the true pros and cons of something, don’t preach about either side of it to others.
I think that's not a strong argument at all. Anyone who has kids and takes the side that having kids is a good thing obviously is going to say that having kids was good for them and that not having them would have led to many "missed happy moments" or whatever. Any of us who don't want kids know exactly why. It's not rocket science. You're acting like you cannot have good knowledge of what something is like without having done it, which is just not actually true. I have never jumped off a skyscraper and hit the pavement, but scientifically I know roughly what would happen and that it would be unpleasant for me, to say the least.
I know if I had kids, I would have to spend A LOT of money on them, and a lot of time. That is the end of the argument. I don't want to spend time or money on anything but my own personal pursuits and goals. I don't need more information than that, yet there is so much more -- changing diapers, having a wife be pregnant and fat for many months, having to put up with her mood swings or possible PPD, making decisions in the best interests of the kid(s) instead of myself and my career, etc. Don't act like these variables cannot be accounted for without having done it. They can be.
I think that's not a strong argument at all. Anyone who has kids and takes the side that having kids is a good thing obviously is going to say that having kids was good for them and that not having them would have led to many "missed happy moments" or whatever.
I dunno....ever been to truemomconfessions.com or something like that...
A lot of unhappy moms and some have even confessed to regretting having kids.
I'm reading Child Free and Loving it! right now and some of these stories from parents are pretty sad. You'd think people would think more on something as serious as bringing another human being into the world and the long term investment it requires.
Quote:
Originally Posted by halogore
Some food for thought just for the ultra activist childfree and the fencesitters.
I've seen this one alot.. "I know I don't want kids because I know I would be a terrible mother/father" I submit that no one truly "knows" anything. Unless you have seen both sides of the coin, you do not have enough information to form a valid opinion.
Wow....
When people say, "It's different when it yours," I can somewhat understand that. For me it would be WORSE if I had children...
I don't think you have to have kids to know you're a bad parent. That's a pretty dangerous idea. I wouldn't recommend someone have a kid just to test and see if they're good at it.
The whole, "You don't know until you've tried" kind of reminds me of people who ask those who are gay/lesbian how they KNOW they're gay unless they've slept with someone of the opposite sex. Give me a break!!
If people feel they would make a bad parent and they don't want kids, GOOD! I would hate for them to have a kid and really prove they're an inept parent.
I don't have to be a parent to know that parenthood is NOT for me.
I would much rather regret not having kids than having them. [I won't EVER regret my decision not to have a child/be a mother/whatever]
Your choice is valid, but you have no clue where life is going to take you. To assume that you do is preposterous. And to assume that you never want kids forever is preposterous. You say that you never want to jump off a skyscraper and hit the pavement. Well.. people have actually jumped off skyscrapers and hit the pavement.. I'm also pretty sure, years prior, they may have said "I will never jump off of a skyscraper and hit the pavement."
There is nothing wrong with saying I do not want kids. But to say, I do not want kids forever "truly childfree" is different.
Your choice is valid, but you have no clue where life is going to take you. To assume that you do is preposterous. And to assume that you never want kids forever is preposterous. You say that you never want to jump off a skyscraper and hit the pavement. Well.. people have actually jumped off skyscrapers and hit the pavement.. I'm also pretty sure, years prior, they may have said "I will never jump off of a skyscraper and hit the pavement."
There is nothing wrong with saying I do not want kids. But to say, I do not want kids forever "truly childfree" is different.
Why is it "preposterous" for one to say they don't want kids forever?
Is it not also "preposterous" for one to say they will ALWAYS want kids and they will ALWAYS love children?
Yes it is.. Same goes for marriage and other lifelong commitments.
Like Wanda Sykes said.. "if you truly want to keep the sanctity of marriage, then ban divorce. The only problem though, is the murder rate would skyrocket."
Same goes with diseases, some see pregnancy as a disease anyway. No one wants Cancer, but sometimes it is given to you. You either come out of it a stronger more well rounded individual or you let it destroy you from within.
Okay, first of all, I totally feel for childless people who are annoyed by bratty kids. I would NEVER bring young kids to a nice restaurant like Ruth's Chris. We saved that for our son's 16th birthday. (Denny's is a good spot for unruly children, in my view).
I try hard not to put my kids in situations were they will be a problem (looong dinners, movies with a higher than "G" rating, etc). When they are in a public situation like on an airplane, people are usually shocked to find at the end of five hrs that there was a 5yr old sitting in front of them. It's all how you train/prepare them for boredom.
On the other hand, I have had childless people try to pry negative information about motherhood from me. I suppose the purpose is to validate their choice. I worry about them when they need me to validate that for them. For instance, two people have said to me, "You know, I know one woman who admitted to me that she REGRETTED having children...." Then, there was a long pause where I guess I was supposed to make some comment about how parenthood sucks or something.
Now, don't get me wrong, parenthood is NOT for everyone. In fact, when my whole family was trying to seriously pressure my sister to have kids, I became the black sheep for telling her to make her own choices. She was into a very active and partying lifestyle at the time. Get this - they actually thought of parenthood as a remedy to her wild ways. Talk about putting the cart before the horse!!
As far as preferential treatment in the workplace, I do see it sometimes. As a matter of fact, I am leaving early for a parent/teacher conference today! However, there is also a co-worker that misses a lot of work for activities that are totally unrelated to family issues.
In closing, I totally respect people who have made a choice not to have children. This signals to me that they treat parenthood as a very serious thing and have respect for it. It's more than I can say for some people who have children as an accessory or a pet.
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To the Childfree by Choice and Fencesitters..
