Follow Up to Ultimatum -- I left him (dating, how to, woman)

[Rebel06]

A while back, I posted asking if anyone had luck giving their spouse an ultimatum to stop drinking or you were leaving. I got some excellent advice and so I decided to come back to you guys for follow up advice. He said he wanted to quit drinking. He swore he had, but I checked the recycle and saw new beer cans added so I confronted him. He lied to me and said he had not had anything alcoholic, even after I told him how I knew he had. He continued to insist that he had not had a drink. He lies with great ease. He has no conscious when it comes to being honest. So I decided it was in my best interest to leave. I bought another home and moved this past weekend, but in the few weeks before I moved out, he got on an online dating site and met someone. She called the house constantly, and he went out with her. All with me still living there. It was extremely painful for me that he had such little regard for our relationship that he couldn't even wait for me to move out before he started looking for my replacement. And what kind of person is she that she would call, knowing I was there? (Yes, she knew -- I answered the phone a couple of times when I knew it was her.) I am on my own now, and I am so lonely. I miss the jerk. And I still love him, although I know I can never trust him and I need to move on. I just don't know how to get over the hurt and disappointment.

[SD4020]

Leaving is a form of self presveration. Good move!

[himain]

Good for you. What an Ahole for having some clam call your house. You handled it better than I would have. Stay strong and you'll realize you left a POS behind and you deserve better!

[JanND]

Find yourself a good co-dependency support group and vent and listen to others vent. It will feel good, and you will learn why you put up w/ his crap for so long, and also achieve some good closure. It will also prevent you from getting into the same type relationship out of loneliness. You dodged a bullet Girl Friend!!! Get your life back, and that will take time since you lost yourself like everyone does being so focused on the alcoholic/drug user. Seriously, get a book called "co-dependency no more" it can be a life saver. Individual counseling would be a great support for you initially regarding your co-dependency issues, as we become AS SICK as our alcoholic/drug user. Join a group that shows some growth and progress, you may surprise yourself. When I left back in 89, taking 5 children out of an abusive/alcoholic home I was in individual counseling, and referred to co-dependency counseling group. It changed my whole life. I did a complete 360, even having new group members referred to me when they were stuck emotionally. I cannot stress enough how much emotional support meant to me, it is exactly what you need right now. Also, realize while you can love someone, you are grieving what should have been, what you hoped he might have been if things were the way they should have been in a healthy mutually supportive relationship. The man you left wasn't the person you wanted. Be strong, it is hard. With the support of individual counseling and the co-dependency support group I was involved I changed my whole life. I got stronger emotionally, I started college and I eventually graduated w/ a degree,w/ honors, and I had been the woman totally afraid to even think about leaving prior to doing so. DM me if you'd like.

[PAhippo]

I applaud your bravery, JanND. Couldn't have been easy, esp with 5 kids.


Rebel06-you probably will need help of some kind. Just remember, he's the cause of your pain.

[JanND]

Thank you. But honestly, I wouldn't have had such positive personal growth if it weren't for supportive counseling and co-dependency counseling/group. My children also were enrolled in programs to address the emotional abuse and issues regarding their having learned such dysfunctional behaviors, a normal reaction in a verbally abusive home. It is a process. I really encourage anyone in this type situation to explore this option. Thanks again.

[blondiel]

Originally Posted by Rebel06

A while back, I posted asking if anyone had luck giving their spouse an ultimatum to stop drinking or you were leaving. I got some excellent advice and so I decided to come back to you guys for follow up advice. He said he wanted to quit drinking. He swore he had, but I checked the recycle and saw new beer cans added so I confronted him. He lied to me and said he had not had anything alcoholic, even after I told him how I knew he had. He continued to insist that he had not had a drink. He lies with great ease. He has no conscious when it comes to being honest. So I decided it was in my best interest to leave. I bought another home and moved this past weekend, but in the few weeks before I moved out, he got on an online dating site and met someone. She called the house constantly, and he went out with her. All with me still living there. It was extremely painful for me that he had such little regard for our relationship that he couldn't even wait for me to move out before he started looking for my replacement. And what kind of person is she that she would call, knowing I was there? (Yes, she knew -- I answered the phone a couple of times when I knew it was her.) I am on my own now, and I am so lonely. I miss the jerk. And I still love him, although I know I can never trust him and I need to move on. I just don't know how to get over the hurt and disappointment.

The first step is always the hardest one and you have done that. Get some support as others have suggested and keep stepping the way you have started. You can do it. You can do it. Each day will get better for you.

[SeeingJane]

Originally Posted by JanND

Seriously, get a book called "co-dependency no more" it can be a life saver. .

Yes. I was also going to suggest this book, by Melody Beattie. You have made the first step and that was the hardest. Now you get to start a new relationship...with yourself! Bravo to you!

[moonsavvy]

Congrats on taking your life back. I completely agree with finding support groups, al anon is another group that I would recommend. Good luck

[Drover]

Addiction can make people remarkably stupid and unbearable. Even if you do still love "the jerk," your own mental health has to come first.