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I have a girlfriend that I have known over 6 years and during that time she has been single 90% of it despite the fact that she meets men constantly and dates very often. She’s only had 3 boyfriends in her life, each relationship only lasting 6 months or less. She’s currently with a great guy that we were all hoping would be the one but she’s thinking of ending it. She didn’t get into all the details but it seems she can’t deal with certain personality traits. This is the 2nd great guy that has come along that she has found too many faults with and despite hating single life, just can’t seem to make the relationship work.
So it got me thinking, is it possible the some people (like her) just cannot be in relationships because they cannot deal with problems? And by problems, I’m not referring to major things like abuse, drugs, lying, cheating, deception or anything heavy hitting like that but just regular everyday, personality conflicts that are annoying. I guess I figure that these things exist in any relationship and that there are always going to be things you don’t like or wish you could change about your partner. There is no perfect partner or relationship.
Do you think this could be a key factor in why some people are more successful in relationships than others? Because they accept the flaws of others and are more willing to work with and deal with problems?
I have a girlfriend that I have known over 6 years and during that time she has been single 90% of it despite the fact that she meets men constantly and dates very often. She’s only had 3 boyfriends in her life, each relationship only lasting 6 months or less. She’s currently with a great guy that we were all hoping would be the one but she’s thinking of ending it. She didn’t get into all the details but it seems she can’t deal with certain personality traits. This is the 2nd great guy that has come along that she has found too many faults with and despite hating single life, just can’t seem to make the relationship work.
So it got me thinking, is it possible the some people (like her) just cannot be in relationships because they cannot deal with problems? And by problems, I’m not referring to major things like abuse, drugs, lying, cheating, deception or anything heavy hitting like that but just regular everyday, personality conflicts that are annoying. I guess I figure that these things exist in any relationship and that there are always going to be things you don’t like or wish you could change about your partner. There is no perfect partner or relationship.
Do you think this could be a key factor in why some people are more successful in relationships than others? Because they accept the flaws of others and are more willing to work with and deal with problems?
Thoughts?
Maybe it just didn't work for her with the two 'good' guys. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with her, she just has to keep looking. She may hate single life, but that doesn't mean she should jump into or stay in any relationships others feel are good for her.
Maybe it just didn't work for her with the two 'good' guys. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with her, she just has to keep looking. She may hate single life, but that doesn't mean she should jump into or stay in any relationships others feel are good for her.
I can't say that this relationship or any is "good" for her but it seems she just cannot tolerate issues. Anything that comes up, she's ready to bolt.
I just don't think she she has the tolerance for dealing with character flaws. Which would make any relationship a failure.
I can't say that this relationship or any is "good" for her but it seems she just cannot tolerate issues. Anything that comes up, she's ready to bolt.
I just don't think she she has the tolerance for dealing with character flaws. Which would make any relationship a failure.
I think once you meet the right person you can tolerate those issues. If she hasn't met him, she may be less open to other's flaws. In my past, the same flaws in one person bugged me a lot more than in someone different, just because I wasn't as into the relationship. The level of tolerance depends on connection you feel with the specific partner.
I have a girlfriend that I have known over 6 years and during that time she has been single 90% of it despite the fact that she meets men constantly and dates very often. She’s only had 3 boyfriends in her life, each relationship only lasting 6 months or less. She’s currently with a great guy that we were all hoping would be the one but she’s thinking of ending it. She didn’t get into all the details but it seems she can’t deal with certain personality traits. This is the 2nd great guy that has come along that she has found too many faults with and despite hating single life, just can’t seem to make the relationship work.
So it got me thinking, is it possible the some people (like her) just cannot be in relationships because they cannot deal with problems? And by problems, I’m not referring to major things like abuse, drugs, lying, cheating, deception or anything heavy hitting like that but just regular everyday, personality conflicts that are annoying. I guess I figure that these things exist in any relationship and that there are always going to be things you don’t like or wish you could change about your partner. There is no perfect partner or relationship.
Do you think this could be a key factor in why some people are more successful in relationships than others? Because they accept the flaws of others and are more willing to work with and deal with problems?
Thoughts?
When you go to the store and see dresses, all your size, you try them on and see that some just don't fit. I imagine that she is able to deal with problems just like other people. She just didn't meet the guy "with the right kind of problems" yet. It's not surprising. You have to meet probably like 500 guys before you come across a good match... At least for me anyways...
Some people are more universal (one size fits all) and most guys seem a tolerable fit.... Other people are more exotic... they can't handle the things that most other people handle...
So it's just the matter of the right match.
Some people, when they go to the store, just can't find a dress that sits perfectly on them. They would have to go to 10 stores before they find something. Other people will find something just from going to 2 stores...
it's not that she is not willing to work with problems of certain kinds...it's more like those problems are much more difficult for her to handle than for other people
the pain is relative for example.... 2 people could have a toothache.... one person would cry because of the pain and them not being able to handle it...too much for them....
the other person would just be annoyed by it
or two mothers dealing with some problem of their child: one could tolerate it and the other would think that problem is just too much to handle
Love doesn't just evaporate and disappear when you wake up one day.
Very commonly what happens is that during the honeymoon phase of our relationships (which can last up to 2 years) the very euphoric high falling in love has given uscarriesusthroughmany of thepitfallsand every day difficultieswe encounter as a couple.
As the high begins to wear off and reality sets in, we can suddenly be faced with how different we are and how differently we navigate the world.
Since we are so different it can be like we are speaking two different languages.
Here's where the trouble starts...we cling to our own native language and make no effort to learn to speak our partner's language.
When we don't speak each others language we begin to feel foreign to one another.
We think, "this isn't who I thought he/shewas!" Sometimes we feel tricked or fooled, sometimes we think the other person "has changed" and we use these revelations as justification to leave.
The reality is, when we reach this point in our relationships (and almost all of us will) that is when we learn what love really is.
If you don't really love the person, you won't choose to do the work that is required to learn a new language - your partner's language.
Because love IS a choice.
Those that think love "just happens", or that love requires no effort have bought in the romantic notions promoted by books and movies.
Sure, falling in love "just happens", but once that wears off you need to understand that that is when real love begins.
Partners have to be able to identify and learn to speakto their partner in thelovelanguage that they each speak.
And until each partner in the relationship learns how to fill up the other partners love tank with the kind of fuel that keeps them going, people will continue to buy into the notion that they "fell out of love".
THIS is the work so often referred to by people who have successful long term relationships/marriages.
Quote from lovesMountains . Show your friend this and problem solved. Spread the word!
If she feels that she should hold out for another guy then perhaps she is attractive enough (personality/looks) to pull it off and be successful with someone else. If not, perhaps she'll be more happy on her own.
6 years is not a huge span of time for dating--what is it with the deadlines everyone seems to have? Better to reject a hundred men than to marry someone only to divorce them a few years and thousands of dollars later.
Well, you admit you don't know what her reasons are. They may be very valid for all you know.
True but her reasons for dumping the last guy I did not understand. Basically, he adored her and would do anything for her but he liked staying in more while she wanted to be dressed up and go out more. And while he did go out for her sometimes, on the times when he wouldn't, she couldn't deal. I just think her tolerance for differences is incredibly low.
This is something I've thought a lot about and have been really hurt by.
However, now I look at this as something that can be interpreted as two different viewpoints, neither of which is really "wrong" because in the end it's a personal decision. By no means does anyone have to get married. If you go your whole life without finding someone then I'd rather never settle and be single the rest of my life and find other ways to fulfill my life with happiness.
My ex gf sounds a lot like your friend in the sense that she has had a LOT of boyfriends in the last 7 years or so. Many of them were really good guys (words from her mouth and from her friends). Now, this girl has chosen to chase a fairy tale love story. She wants to feel love at first sight and be head over heels in love. If she doesn't find that with her boyfriend in the first few months, she finds personality flaws or uses their mistakes for justification to end the relationship.
1. Some say she knows what she wants and she's being patient and not settling for less than what will make her happy.
2. Some say she's too picky, will never find a good man because she passes them all up, and that she needs to work on solving problems and working on the gray area to keep and develop the relationship.
Neither viewpoint is wrong. What I believe: I don't think she's going to find the love story. But I also don't think she should waste the time of the other guy if she's not happy with him.
I'd like to think I have a middle ground between the two viewpoints. I'm not desperate to get married anytime soon and I totally feel comfortable with the understanding that I just may never find someone to marry. But at the same time I know what it takes to make a relationship work and I'd like to think I've practiced good skills in those areas (communication, understanding, affection, putting forth effort to try to improve). So when I do find someone really special to me, if there's a good chance that it will work I would hope to believe I have the ability to make it a strong, committed, and wonderful relationship/marriage with someone who shares the same values but also has some differences.
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