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Old 02-27-2012, 10:43 PM
 
6,051 posts, read 5,370,273 times
Reputation: 5299

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Quote:
Originally Posted by PurePugx3 View Post
Not trying to be a Debbie Downer but IMO, the only way to stay drama free is to be around those who are the same. Your boyfriend isn't drama free and he's enabling some of her behavior. What's more of a concern is all he does is complain but takes no action.
I agree with everyone's comments, but especially the highlighted.

This man is Drama Central. I got mentally/emotionally exhausted just reading your post about him and his GROWN ADULT DAUGHTER.

No maam. Could NOT be ME. Continue to see him if you want, but please continue to leave your options open for DRAMA FREE men with NORMAL KIDS (well, as close to normal as you can be these days).

He seems very weak to me. The fact that he kept his daughter around after she called the cops on him and could have violated his livelihood and freedom (and lord knows what else) shows that he might get off on this nonsense.

Believe it or not, there are people that love, attract and keep chaos in their lives. His ex refused to put up with it and basically disowned her. She's not a child. It's unfortunate for the kid, but that's not YOUR problem.

Honey, life is TOO SHORT for unnecessary madness.
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Old 02-28-2012, 03:26 AM
 
14,642 posts, read 12,620,380 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PurePugx3 View Post
Not trying to be a Debbie Downer but IMO, the only way to stay drama free is to be around those who are the same. Your boyfriend isn't drama free and he's enabling some of her behavior.
This was also my first thought.
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Old 02-28-2012, 03:45 AM
Status: "Meanest zen master" (set 20 days ago)
 
8,890 posts, read 5,112,305 times
Reputation: 17230
Quote:
Originally Posted by marilyn220 View Post
I agree with everyone's comments, but especially the highlighted.

This man is Drama Central. I got mentally/emotionally exhausted just reading your post about him and his GROWN ADULT DAUGHTER.

No maam. Could NOT be ME. Continue to see him if you want, but please continue to leave your options open for DRAMA FREE men with NORMAL KIDS (well, as close to normal as you can be these days).

He seems very weak to me. The fact that he kept his daughter around after she called the cops on him and could have violated his livelihood and freedom (and lord knows what else) shows that he might get off on this nonsense.

Believe it or not, there are people that love, attract and keep chaos in their lives. His ex refused to put up with it and basically disowned her. She's not a child. It's unfortunate for the kid, but that's not YOUR problem.

Honey, life is TOO SHORT for unnecessary madness.
I agree with this. he is not tough enough to deal with the issues he is facing. I am not saying to dump him, but I would definitely avoid or delay getting to the commitment stage until he shows that he can handle his business at home. Keep doing what you are doing by steering clear of Team Toxic.
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Old 02-28-2012, 03:56 AM
 
Location: Australia
4,008 posts, read 2,665,795 times
Reputation: 6548
A few things occurred to me -

1. you have only known each other 3 months
2. you have not met the daughter
3. all you know about the daughter is what he's told you
4. there are two sides to every pancake
5. I would be concerned about a guy who tells his daughters deepest secrets to anyone he's only known for a couple of months.
6. he is clearly in a dysfunctional relationship with her which he has no intention of ending/mending.
7. you've judged her without even meeting her.


If I were you, I would think very carefully about ever seeing HIM again, let alone meeting any of his other family members...and if she were reading this column, perhaps she'd not be interested in meeting you either!
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Old 02-28-2012, 05:46 AM
 
Location: The Great State of Arkansas
5,982 posts, read 11,134,129 times
Reputation: 7260
Quote:
Originally Posted by ferretkona View Post
I did not have to read too far to spot that she is a drug addict. I would have a serious talk with the boyfriend about your fears. He is possibly only there to give her a life raft to not kill herself or the child.
^This. Absolutely - drugs or alcohol. She is holding him hostage with the little boy; perhaps things would be different if there were not a child involved and he could be stronger and find some limits with her. He is doing the enabler part, but maybe out of a true sense of responsibility to the child. You can't fault him for that. What happened before the child came along, yes - boundaries apparently didn't exist at all. But it is very, very easy to feel you are unable to separate from someone when you may be a child's only link to normalcy. He makes excuses for her even though he recognizes the problem. He's still stuck in that "maybe she'll outgrow it" phase. I think he probably IS embarrassed and it sounds like he is very much coping with this alone - mom has certainly checked out. I'd bet money he either knows or suspects she is an addict but just can't face it. Don't worry - one day the walls will fall down and he will have to look the problem square in the face.

All that being said, I wouldn't be around daughter at all, and if you continue to see this man I'm not sure I would involve myself with the child too much. Sad - you most likely have much to offer - but daughter sounds like a loose cannon. If she's using she is most definitely a loose cannon. Addicts lie, addicts manipulate the situation to suit them, and addicts feel no sense of remorse for their actions. Addicts lie, that's what they do. She has major Daddy issues anyway, you don't need to be up in the middle of this. She only has to accuse and you're set up for defending yourself, when indeed the situation she alleges may have never even been. Perhaps you've never been alone with the child, but that doesn't stop her from alleging something horrible, nor does it and stop you from a major, major mess that could cost you your job or at least a suspension.

It's a sad situation, but unfortunately very toxic for you. Until daughter and Daddy get help there's really no room for you in this triad anyway. Very frankly, she sounds like a head case who has managed to get Daddy over a barrel with her guilt and using the child. She doesn't have that hold over you - don't give her the opportunity.
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Old 02-28-2012, 06:06 AM
 
8,394 posts, read 7,551,919 times
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LOL, I can see there are not many parents of 24 yr olds on here. They don't have to be doing drugs to be demanding and controlling. Most 20 somethings these days act like teens from my era...They have just such a sense of entitlement.
OP, I think you have become His soft place to fall. That isn't all bad. But, if things progress there will be contact., there already is....He tells her about You, and obviously vents to you about her. WE don't live in bubbles...I personally see some pretty... rude maybe, demanding maybe....normal..."dysfunctional behavior" If she needs therapy, that is what should be happening.

Does anyone else see red flags with Father demeaning his daughter this way to a person he doesn't have long term intentions toward?? OP, are you just a "venting" opportunity??

Sounds like he is putting on all the good behavior, isn't hard to do in short term dates etc. If you don't want to make it long term, than avoid anything family oriented...including discussing his daughter w/ him.

Sounds to me like the man needs a supportive mate, someone that will walk the walk with him. You are wanting a fling, nothing wrong w/ that....but if he just wanted a fling you wouldn't know so much about his daughter and their father daughter problems. It is a different life transition that you are in....You have worked hard and now want some fun...He is having to be the supportive father, grandfather....Did you say they live together? These transitions conflict after the initial newness wears off. Make sure you are investing all this energy in the one that will be there for you when you need them.

Last edited by JanND; 02-28-2012 at 06:15 AM.. Reason: revised
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Old 02-28-2012, 06:16 AM
 
Location: Under the light of the Witches Moon!!
19,604 posts, read 11,780,486 times
Reputation: 30248
You are not going to be able to avoid the 24 year old daughter forever. At some point the boyfriend is going to want you to meet her and he more than likely will expect you to be all warm and fuzzy toward her no matter how she acts.

Choose to stay with him and lie your way through the times you have to be around the daughter or choose to get away from him and continue to live a drama free life.
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Old 02-28-2012, 06:16 AM
 
Location: The Great State of Arkansas
5,982 posts, read 11,134,129 times
Reputation: 7260
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nicegurl View Post
The problem is that he has a 24 year-old daughter whom he says has issues, needs therapy, and feels and acts as though he owes her something. She has a four year-old son by a loser guy who beat her, sells drugs, and is in and out of prison.

She once got mad at him for not getting her way and called the police on him.
[/b]
Jan ND, you may be right - but these are CLASSIC factors in locating an addict right under your nose. I'm assuming Dude is in the pokey for drugs, but he could have other endearing qualities too. Women who are straight up usually don't hang with a guy a long time if he's a user. I'm just sayin'.

Entitlement, lying, drama, irrational behavior, disappearing with friends, with the wrong people/man, calling the police for perceived injustices (and heaven only knows what she said, it surely wasn't that Daddy wouldn't babysit so she could go out, I don't think the police are taking those calls) - it's just a pattern....no matter whether they are 16, 24, or 54. Maybe I'm wrong (lord, I hope so) - sounds like daughter has enough problems without adding drugs or alcohol to the mix - but I'd almost lay money on it.

And yeah - mom here of kids 31 and 35. I will say they didn't become real people until they were about 24 or 25. I liked 'em even better at 28. It's all well and good for 30 to be the new 20, but when you put a kid into the mix it all changes. Doesn't sound like anyone has made daughter change with the times.
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Old 02-28-2012, 06:33 AM
 
663 posts, read 503,070 times
Reputation: 927
Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND;
LOL, I can see there are not many parents of 24 yr olds on here. They don't have to be doing drugs to be demanding and controlling. Most 20 somethings these days act like teens from my era...
OP, I think you have become His soft place to fall. That isn't all bad. But, if things progress there will be contact., there already is....He tells her about You, and obviously vents to you about her. WE don't live in bubbles...I personally see some pretty... rude maybe, demanding maybe....normal..."dysfunctional behavior" If she needs therapy, that is what should be happening. Sounds like he is putting on all the good behavior, isn't hard to do in short term dates etc. If you don't want to make it long term, than avoid anything family oriented...including discussing his daughter w/ him. Sounds to me like the man needs a supportive mate, someone that will walk the walk with him. You are wanting a fling, nothing wrong w/ that....but if he just wanted a fling you wouldn't know so much about his daughter and their father daughter problems. It is a different life transition that you are in....You have worked hard and now want some fun...He is having to be the supportive father, grandfather....Did you say they live together? These transitions conflict after the initial newness wears off. Make sure you are investing all this energy in the one that will be there for you when you need them.
I have a 20yo daughter who is far more mature than the 24yo described. She also isn't prone to hysterics, like calling the police on her dad to punish him for having a life. That isn't "normal dysfunctional behavior." Anyone who stays out all night, and unannounced, while leaving their kid with any type of babysitter.....not good. That's the type of parent who will leave their kid alone all night once she feels he's old enough. Let's say, 11or 12yo .

I feel bad for the young boy. What a mess he was born into. Grandpa is being 'run' by his daughter, mom is all over the map, grandma could care less.

In any case, my daughter has never called the police on me or her father, nor has she ever been given a legitimate reason to. Doing what the 24yo did is called false reporting and there are laws against that. There is nothing normal about her behavior. She needs help, and needs to grow up, and the father is only enabling her terrible behavior. The OP is right in staying away from this girl but I'm not sure it will ultimately leave her unscathed. If that young lady is jealous enough, nothing will get in her way if she wants to cause trouble.....not even never meeting the OP.

The OP said neither of them want to live together or get married. It's not just her, according to her post. The boyfriend sounds like someone who needs to vent a lot. That's gotta get old, especially since he's not doing anything to fix his situation.

The guy may be a great boyfriend for the type of relationship they are trying to maintain. However, hearing about that nonsense has got to get tiring.....I'd walk, doesn't sound worth the trouble. Too much drama.
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Old 02-28-2012, 07:08 AM
 
1,736 posts, read 1,469,450 times
Reputation: 2754
This is the way i see it...the daughter was probably traumatized by the divorce of her parents. Her father (your new boy friend) felt guilty, and as a result, was unable to perform his fatherly duties. It doesnt mean he is a bad parent; Its just one of those complicated situations that I've seen time without number, yield very unstable children.

Contrary to what you have been reading, i do think you should meet the daughter and grand child. She needs to be made aware that there is a new person in her fathers life AND that person is not here to steal the only parent she has left. I presume this is why she deliberately tries to sabotage his relationships by leaving her child over night without notice etc. Your input in the situation could actually help turn the daughter's life around because more often that not, unruly children tend to listen to outside influences more than their family...just saying

As for the father opening up, 3 months into your relationship....people handle stress differently...perhaps he feels comfortable enough with you to share his problems...or may be he is putting it out there for you to decide if you are willing to stick around knowing his situation or if its too much for you to handle. I dont see anything wrong with it.

If you are seriously interested in pursuing a relationship with this guy, then you MUST be willing to accept his situation...GOOD and BAD. That is what we guys are told when we date women with multiple children...so it should NOT be any different for you/women!
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