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This story has been told thousands of times. Drug addicted child, spoiled and enabled, has a child
out of wedlock, grandparents must save the child, enable even more, it does not get better unless
the parent/grandparent hops on the recovery train for codependency and enabling.
If you want to have a relationship with this guy, it will be a rollercoaster ride whether you meet
the daughter or not as he will be riding in on his white horse to save her and the grandchild, over
and over again...it will impact your relationship...addiction has tenacles that reach far and wide and negativley affect all that they come in contact with.
I sure would keep my guard up, watch those red flags waving in your face.
I have a 20yo daughter who is far more mature than the 24yo described. She also isn't prone to hysterics, like calling the police on her dad to punish him for having a life. That isn't "normal dysfunctional behavior." Anyone who stays out all night, and unannounced, while leaving their kid with any type of babysitter.....not good. That's the type of parent who will leave their kid alone all night once she feels he's old enough. Let's say, 11or 12yo .
I feel bad for the young boy. What a mess he was born into. Grandpa is being 'run' by his daughter, mom is all over the map, grandma could care less.
Just cause the grandmother said no to her daughter's drama doesn't mean she doesn't care about her or the grandson.
Sometimes in order to maintain YOUR sanity from a situation you have no control over, you will probably have to REMOVE yourself from it.
Her daughter is grown. She can't control or make a grown woman do anything she doesn't want to.
The grandmother did the right thing. She refused to let her daughter manipulate her or try to destroy her life with unnecessary calls to the police. This girl is too much drama and in my opinion the OP can do better.
Where she found this man, I'm sure there are others not going through this type of disaster.
^This. Absolutely - drugs or alcohol. She is holding him hostage with the little boy; perhaps things would be different if there were not a child involved and he could be stronger and find some limits with her. He is doing the enabler part, but maybe out of a true sense of responsibility to the child. You can't fault him for that. What happened before the child came along, yes - boundaries apparently didn't exist at all. But it is very, very easy to feel you are unable to separate from someone when you may be a child's only link to normalcy. He makes excuses for her even though he recognizes the problem. He's still stuck in that "maybe she'll outgrow it" phase. I think he probably IS embarrassed and it sounds like he is very much coping with this alone - mom has certainly checked out. I'd bet money he either knows or suspects she is an addict but just can't face it. Don't worry - one day the walls will fall down and he will have to look the problem square in the face.
All that being said, I wouldn't be around daughter at all, and if you continue to see this man I'm not sure I would involve myself with the child too much. Sad - you most likely have much to offer - but daughter sounds like a loose cannon. If she's using she is most definitely a loose cannon. Addicts lie, addicts manipulate the situation to suit them, and addicts feel no sense of remorse for their actions. Addicts lie, that's what they do. She has major Daddy issues anyway, you don't need to be up in the middle of this. She only has to accuse and you're set up for defending yourself, when indeed the situation she alleges may have never even been. Perhaps you've never been alone with the child, but that doesn't stop her from alleging something horrible, nor does it and stop you from a major, major mess that could cost you your job or at least a suspension.
It's a sad situation, but unfortunately very toxic for you. Until daughter and Daddy get help there's really no room for you in this triad anyway. Very frankly, she sounds like a head case who has managed to get Daddy over a barrel with her guilt and using the child. She doesn't have that hold over you - don't give her the opportunity.
Sam I am,
I think that you have pretty much hit the nail on the head here. The boyf told me that he found alcohol in her room--which was a mess. He also said that even though she works part-time and makes very little money, she mysteriously has $$ to buy herself things that she would not otherwise be able to afford. After searching her room, he found tons of condoms in her drawer. He says that he feared she may have been sleeping with men for money. When he confronted her, she got mad and moved out (she had not been living with him during the three months that we've been together). Each friend that she moved in with, put her out after about a month. With no where to go, she called her dad and asked if she could come home (a couple of weeks ago). Concerned for his grandson's safety, he reluctantly agreed. She is now going to school in the evenings and working during the day. He has been helping her care for his grandson, and he and the boy have developed a strong bond.
I expressed my concerns with the boyf last night and have informed him that I feel that it would be best for him not to bring the grandson over to my house anymore, or for me to spend time with him. He brought the child over last weekend and the boy did not want to leave (even at the age of 4, he knows that something is not quite right with mom). He is a very sweet little boy, however, if his mom decides to accuse me of child abuse out of jealously, then I am up ****e creek without a paddle.
I also want to add the boyf informed me that prior to his getting divorced, his mother got sick with ovarian/cervical cancer. The doctor said that she only had a few months to live, so he moved back from the east coast (where he was living with his ex wife and daughter) to the west coast to take care of her until she died. He informed me that he repeatedly asked his wife to come with their daughter and live with him, but he said that she did not want to leave her friends and family. The daughter, who was a preteen at the time, was hurt and felt that her daddy had abandoned her. When the ex wife finally moved out west, she did not like it here and resented her ex husband for pressuring her to move. Soon after, they got divorced, but the daughter never forgave him for it.
When I had to go into the hospital and undergo a hysterectomy last December, the boyf (whom I was just getting to know) was there by my side looking after me, cooking for me, cleaning my house, looking after my dog, and fixing things around my house.Three of my girlfriends, whom I'd known for almost two years, were no where to be found. The boyf did not have to do what he did, but I was sure grateful to him for being there for me though. I care about him and would be willing to take things to the next level, but the problem is the daughter. Sadly, he is a wonderful man with a lot of baggage. <sigh>
You are not going to be able to avoid contact with his daughter forever....as your influence grows, she will see a competitor/threat to her status with Daddy and contest it with you. Her ultimate weapon is her son.
Best to plan for this conflict now...if you still think it's all worth it.
Yikes. Your happy days with this man are almost over. Might as well get used to it.
The 24yo has a sweet deal going and she will see you as a threat. A new love interest who will upset her apple cart. She uses the kid to get a free ride from the old man. She plays him and his guilt like the Devil's Fiddle.
If you want to date this guy, fine. But as a LTR, it will never work. Don't invest too much in him. You are not his first priority. He is busy saving the world.
I'd be hesitant to stick around if his 24yo can and often does exert that kind of control over him. Great that he's there for the grandson but he helped to create the mess with his daughter. I'm sure he's a great boyfriend but I'd be hesitant to assign all or most of the boy's good behavior to grandpa when said daughter is a "mess." Anyhow, two sides to every story.....just my two cents.
You may never live with or marry this guy but plan a 2-week vacation with him. Does daughter get jealous and do something to mess up the plans, like calling the police on her dad right before he leaves for the airport? Just an example.
Not trying to be a Debbie Downer but IMO, the only way to stay drama free is to be around those who are the same. Your boyfriend isn't drama free and he's enabling some of her behavior. What's more of a concern is all he does is complain but takes no action. He can't change her but he can change himself and the way he relates to her. Feeling guilty will do him no good....it hasn't yet and isn't going to later. So what is he getting out of feeling guilty? It would be hard to say but it sounds like the daughter is getting plenty of free babysitting out of the deal at the intended expense of his dating life.
Doesn't sound like her mom feels guilty at all? Why has she been MIA for 4 years?
I do agree you should protect your livelihood and not meet her, as long as your relationship with her dad remains as it is anyway.
I have my doubts that this Daughter is all that bad. Going to school and working and raising a small child is no easy thing. Dad can't be babysitting all that often if he is keeping you so occupied. I am wondering if Dad is using this girl as a buffer against getting too close to you. Are you absolutely positive this is a Daughter living there? Have you verified that he really is divorced? Something just doesn't seem right somehow. And, you seem very ready to accept that this young woman is so bad, yet her child was so well behaved?? Something just does not compute. How is your boyfriend on spontaneity? Are things ever just last minute?? How close do you live to each other? I'd be pretty curious if my new boyfriend was keeping me at such arms length. I hope you get a chance to verify a few things.
Yikes. Your happy days with this man are almost over. Might as well get used to it.
The 24yo has a sweet deal going and she will see you as a threat. A new love interest who will upset her apple cart. She uses the kid to get a free ride from the old man. She plays him and his guilt like the Devil's Fiddle.
If you want to date this guy, fine. But as a LTR, it will never work. Don't invest too much in him. You are not his first priority. He is busy saving the world.
Yeah, I can see keeping separate residences and keeping away from his and enjoying times together but that's it. That's the only way to make it work.
Just cause the grandmother said no to her daughter's drama doesn't mean she doesn't care about her or the grandson.
Sometimes in order to maintain YOUR sanity from a situation you have no control over, you will probably have to REMOVE yourself from it.
Her daughter is grown. She can't control or make a grown woman do anything she doesn't want to.
The grandmother did the right thing. She refused to let her daughter manipulate her or try to destroy her life with unnecessary calls to the police. This girl is too much drama and in my opinion the OP can do better.
Where she found this man, I'm sure there are others not going through this type of disaster.
You make some good points. While I agree the girl's mother was smart to distance herself, no visits in 4 years? Even if my own grown kid was a loon, I'd still visit a time or two a year. If nothing else to see the grandson who holds no blame in the situation. She may not be missing too much where her daughter's concerned but will miss out on a lot with the little boy. From the sounds of it, the boy needs the family support because his parents aren't stable. Sad.
Drama. Don't make an issue of it. Meet the daughter, you wwill create more drama by not meeting her at some point.
She cannot jeopardize your teaching credential. Only the board of licensing in your state can do that, and they have heard plenty of drama stories. They may investigate some legitimate claims, but they are savvy.
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