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It sounds like your daughter has given you a run for your money over the years what with drugs as a teenager followed by pregnancy.
It also sounds like you have taken a somewhat passive role. How is it that no one has found out the real rules regarding child support? Of COURSE father number 2 can be held accountable! Why do you not know this?
From what you have written it sounds to me like you have a good relationship with your daughter, you try to support and respect her decisions and provide an ear for her troubles.
All this is good. I don't think you have given any remote indication that you are (or have in a long time) tried to stick your nose into her business. Quite the reverse in fact.
I personally think you need to take a more active role. Once. Fly out there and have a sit down with your daughter. Hold her hand. Tell her you love her. Then tell her that you are desperately worried about her situation with man 3. That you are concerned that this is another poor choice of mate. That being a 'nice guy' is not enough.
Tell her that you will not keep going on about this and that you respect the fact that ultimately it is her decision who she is with. But tell her how you feel.
The very fact that you don't do this on a regular basis will work in your favor. If my Mom or Dad did this I would take them very seriously because there is no pattern of them trying to run my life. I might respond defensively, but ultimately you can bet I would take their point of view under serious consideration.
I agree with whoever said your daughter is like a rudderless ship and could use some direction. From you. Her Father.
Are you helping to finance your daughter? If so that needs to stop.
Sometimes posts are made and the whole story is not given. We are botrh aware of the child support laws. The point is that paternity would have to be established first. My daughter has had so many issues with Dad #1, that she likes not having Dad #2 in the picture at all. Dad #2, while being a nice guy, did not have a job the entire time they were together. He drinks all the time and has taken no responsibility for his kid. The fact that he is not on the birth certificate means he can't pop in and out of his son's life like Dad #1 has done. So my daughter is reluctant to involve him by establishing paternity and going after him for child support.
My daughter is well aware that her circumstance makes her not the most attractive candidate to potential suitors. I think that is why she is reluctant to cut a good guy loose. Even a good guy that is not helping her with any bills and is being somewhat selfish. He has a job, doesn't drink or use drugs, and treats her pretty well. He is just selfish with his money. She thinks she'd rather work with him on his faults versus cutting him lose.
Sometimes posts are made and the whole story is not given. We are botrh aware of the child support laws. The point is that paternity would have to be established first. My daughter has had so many issues with Dad #1, that she likes not having Dad #2 in the picture at all. Dad #2, while being a nice guy, did not have a job the entire time they were together. He drinks all the time and has taken no responsibility for his kid. The fact that he is not on the birth certificate means he can't pop in and out of his son's life like Dad #1 has done. So my daughter is reluctant to involve him by establishing paternity and going after him for child support.
My daughter is well aware that her circumstance makes her not the most attractive candidate to potential suitors. I think that is why she is reluctant to cut a good guy loose. Even a good guy that is not helping her with any bills and is being somewhat selfish. He has a job, doesn't drink or use drugs, and treats her pretty well. He is just selfish with his money. She thinks she'd rather work with him on his faults versus cutting him lose.
Ok cool. Thanks for clarifying. It all makes total sense now and I agree with you - she should take whatever she can get rather than be alone.
You have obviously done a fine job of raising her with good self esteem.
(Note: All the above should be read in HEAVY sarcasm font.)
REALLY OP? This is the best you can come up with for your kid? No wonder she has trouble finding her way. She thinks she's worth nothing - and clearly her Dad agrees with her. How very, very sad.
Ok cool. Thanks for clarifying. It all makes total sense now and I agree with you - she should take whatever she can get rather than be alone.
You have obviously done a fine job of raising her with good self esteem.
(Note: All the above should be read in HEAVY sarcasm font.)
REALLY OP? This is the best you can come up with for your kid? No wonder she has trouble finding her way. She thinks she's worth nothing - and clearly her Dad agrees with her. How very, very sad.
Precisely.
I am also struck by how very little concern there is for these children who will wonder one day why their dad(s) were not involved, but there was no shortage of deadbeat "uncles" hanging around.
Doesn't seem like she has a sense of boundaries or has the ability to judge someone's character. She needs to be vigilant about birth control and focus on her children. If she needs to take steps to try to get childsupport as well as tell her boyfriend that it's time to move out and move on.
Ok cool. Thanks for clarifying. It all makes total sense now and I agree with you - she should take whatever she can get rather than be alone.
You have obviously done a fine job of raising her with good self esteem.
(Note: All the above should be read in HEAVY sarcasm font.)
REALLY OP? This is the best you can come up with for your kid? No wonder she has trouble finding her way. She thinks she's worth nothing - and clearly her Dad agrees with her. How very, very sad.
Are you really that obtuse? When did I say she should take whatever she can get? Everyone has faults. When you've never had to provide for anyone but yourself, sometimes you do not have a good sense of how far your money can stretch. She is allowing this guy some time to learn how to be in a relationship. Why is that so wrong? If she were married to him you'd be calling her a quitter for not trying to work it out with him.
I forgot that kids were robots and we as parents just program them and they all turn out perfect. You should start a school where you train parents on how to churn out perfect kids. Since you have all the answers, the rest of us would pay good money for your expertise and wisdom.
The opinions and judgements by people on this board are really laughable at times. To just assume that when she was having problems as a teenager, that I was not there is a huge conclusion to make. Yes I was there. I got her into a drug treatment program to try and help her. I used tough love and called the police when she became incorigible regarding our rules. When she came back home after she was 18 and I found out she was drinking I kicked her out of my house. It was a very dark time in my life and I did what I could. Having never been around someone with those issues I may have made some mistakes along the way, but it was not for lack of trying.
To say I make excuses and enable her is absurd. I tell her all the time that her decisions are bad. I implored her to not let the new guy move in. I counsel her all the time on taking things slowly. But i recognize that she's an adult and I cannot control her. She is my daughter though and I will always be there for her for support and advice. The people that are telling me to butt out have views on family that I don't understand. It would be different if she were asking me to butt out and I was getting involved anyway. She asks for my advice. Sometimes she takes it and other times she does not.
She has filed papers to get child support from Dad #1. The problem is that he's a really bad guy. He has been verbally abusive to my daughter on the phone, and she would rather have him stay out of her and her daughter's life. But at the same time she wants to do what is right with her daughter. She doesn't want to keep her daughter from her Dad, but thinks that he will only be a bad influence on her.
As for the judgements of my daughter, i think some that have been made are justified and some are unfair. Her initial pregnancy came at a time that she was drinking and using drugs. She was a completely different person then than she is now. Since she found out she was pregnant she has cleaned up and is now staunchly opposed to even using marijuana. People can change. As for me "believing" her story about the low sperm count, she told me this before she got pregnant. When discussing how the guy was with her daughter she brought up the fact that he had wanted to have a kid with his previous GF and they went to a fertility doctor.
"She asks for my advice."
THAT is the only part of your post that really matters right now.
You are all over the place allowing yourself to be distracted by defending her, defending yourself and blaming the wrong people (your fellow posters).
YOUR DAUGHTER HAS ISSUES - SHE NEEDS PROFESSIONAL HELP.
Since she does ask for your advice, THIS is how you can best help her and your grandchildren - get her to a therapist.
Her problems are multi-layered and you are in over your head if you think you can do anything on your own to really help her.
Yes, people CAN change - but not when they are as damaged as she is without a ton of introspection, self actualization and serious maturity.
Do not make the mistake of convincing yourself she "just needs to grow up", or that "the boyfriend is just selfish", you are deflecting when you do that in order to deny how bad things really are. And trust me, they are bad.
You have a tiny window of opportunity to help your daughter get this train wreck cleaned up.
When that window closes you and she will have to sit back and watch her kids become self destructive people who will repeat all of her own mistakes and worse.
Hasn't it been hard enough watching her ruin her life? You really want to endure watching your two precious grandchildren go through the same thing?
Please, help her to understand that she needs help.
Are you really that obtuse? When did I say she should take whatever she can get? Everyone has faults. When you've never had to provide for anyone but yourself, sometimes you do not have a good sense of how far your money can stretch. She is allowing this guy some time to learn how to be in a relationship. Why is that so wrong? If she were married to him you'd be calling her a quitter for not trying to work it out with him.
I forgot that kids were robots and we as parents just program them and they all turn out perfect. You should start a school where you train parents on how to churn out perfect kids. Since you have all the answers, the rest of us would pay good money for your expertise and wisdom.
You need to pay good money for someone's expertise and wisdom, that seems clear.
Go and reread my first post. I think it was helpful. You chose to disregard it much in the same way you've seemingly disregarded the advice of most of the posters. Doing nothing is so much easier isn't it?
I am also struck by how very little concern there is for these children who will wonder one day why their dad(s) were not involved, but there was of shortage of deadbeat "uncles" hanging around.
Please explain where there is "very little concern" for the children. The Dads have chosen to not be involved in their kids lives. My daughter would want nothing more than to have both Dads involved. But as their mother it's also her responsibility to protect them from potential bad influences. The last straw when she kicked Dad #1 out of her apartment was when she found out that he was smoking pot, while watching their daughter. In the past year he has has spent 30 days in jail for a DUI. And his daughter has seen him a few times recently after not seeing him for over a year. She barely even knows who he is. My daughter allowed him to see her, but my daughter insisted on being there as well. Which is perfectly understandable given that he had not seen her in over a year. He no-showed on two instances that he was supposed to see his daughter. He then started screaming at my daughter over the phone, calling her every name imaginable, saying he wanted to see his daughter without my daughter around. My daughter has no idea how he is living his life now. She's not about to let her daughter go over there without her coming along as well. That's showing very appropriate concern for her daughter.
As for Dad #2, he never showed up at the hospital when his son was born to sign the birth certificate. They even lived in the same apartment complex for 2 months after the baby was born, and he saw the baby on time. It was in passing and he touched his son's hand. He has made no effort to see his son. My daughter has never done anything to keep them apart.
Do you think that kids with horrible dads are better off than kids with no dads? I personally don't.
You need to pay good money for someone's expertise and wisdom, that seems clear.
Go and reread my first post. I think it was helpful. You chose to disregard it much in the same way you've seemingly disregarded the advice of most of the posters. Doing nothing is so much easier isn't it?
Maybe you need to pay good money for personal expertise on your control issues. I guess people need to take your advice or they get sarcastic ridicule in return? Sorry I didn't jump on a plane last night.
I simply explained that we were aware of the child support laws. There were other issues going on regarding that. Anything that I would say to her in person I've said to her in hours of phone conversations. In the end it's her decision.
You have an unrealistic view of how much control and influence a parent can have over their adult children. And more posters than have given me similar advice as you, have stated that exact thing.
Maybe you need to pay good money for personal expertise on your control issues. I guess people need to take your advice or they get sarcastic ridicule in return? Sorry I didn't jump on a plane last night.
.
Well alrighty then. Good luck with your daughter and her issues. I sincerely hope it works out better than it has in the past.
I do understand you being defensive, but perhaps you should go back and read this sentance you wrote:
"My daughter is well aware that her circumstance makes her not the most attractive candidate to potential suitors."
This is really sad. I may not be a child whisperer, but if you agree with this and are conveying this to your daughter, then it really is no wonder she has the issues she has. I feel bad for her. Really.
Now bowing out before more abuse rains on my head!
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