Advice for my Daughter (wife, Latin, divorce, therapist)

[43north87west]

Originally Posted by Djuna

That's not very nice. Perfectly good parents can end up with kids who make mistakes. You can only do so much for your children, eventually they choose what they want to do. And considering you have no children what makes you the expert on bringing them up?

Considering how many parents manage to raise useless children, what presumes that being a parent makes one an expert on parenting?

[lifeexplorer]

Originally Posted by scocar

Just because someone stupidly asks someone to freeload doesn't mean you should take them up on it. People have offered to pay for my dinner before. I either politely refuse or make sure I pay next time.

If you read my original post she intends to only ask him for 25%. That seems fair to me. Plus the "understanding" was based on him telling her that he could not afford to pay anything. Well now that she's aware of his bills she sees that he's actually in better shape than she is financially. In now way shape or form is she asking or expecting him to support her or her children. She is simply asking for the same she would ask from any roommate.

Sir, you give a wrong analogy. A better one is you sold me a car at a ridiculously low price and I took it but now you want more money from me after the sale.

I am sure that he helps out a little in her house. Things like babysitting etc. What more do you ask from him?

I can only sympathize but in my mind, a deal is a deal. You want to negate a deal, you'd better come up with something better to offer.

His financial situation is not up to her to judge. Even he's making millions, he can still not be in a position to pay. There are plenty personal and practical reasons for him to be not in the position to pay.

[riotsquirrelz]

Originally Posted by scocar

Are you really that obtuse? When did I say she should take whatever she can get? Everyone has faults. When you've never had to provide for anyone but yourself, sometimes you do not have a good sense of how far your money can stretch. She is allowing this guy some time to learn how to be in a relationship. Why is that so wrong? If she were married to him you'd be calling her a quitter for not trying to work it out with him.

I forgot that kids were robots and we as parents just program them and they all turn out perfect. You should start a school where you train parents on how to churn out perfect kids. Since you have all the answers, the rest of us would pay good money for your expertise and wisdom.

Based on her past (and current!) relationship history, she is in no position to teach anyone how to be in a healthy relationship. The fact that she even bought that phony story of "I can't have kids" from Daddy #2, to the point that she didn't take any precautions, is extremely disconcerting. The second that I read that part, I thought "what a way to get out of wearing a condom." As for her current relationship, why is she parenting a grown man, when she has two children to think about?

I will tell you, scocar, people here are not exaggerating when they tell you that your grandkids are in danger. My mother paraded a few boyfriends through our lives when we were kids, and my sister was sexually molested by one of these boyfriends. She may be feeding her kids, clothing them, etc., but she is not protecting them in her own home. She is failing to provide a basic need. Really, she keeps the Daddies away because they would be bad influences, but she essentially begs a stranger to move into her home? Her lack of self esteem is making her children vulnerable. Pedophiles seek out these kind of women. It is just a matter of time before one of them finds her...who knows, this "nice" guy may be the first in the string of many.

Oh my lord, I don't think I can even come back in this thread. My blood is boiling

[scocar]

Originally Posted by lifeexplorer

Sir, you give a wrong analogy. A better one is you sold me a car at a ridiculously low price and I took it but now you want more money from me after the sale.

I am sure that he helps out a little in her house. Things like babysitting etc. What more do you ask from him?

I can only sympathize but in my mind, a deal is a deal. You want to negate a deal, you'd better come up with something better to offer.

His financial situation is not up to her to judge. Even he's making millions, he can still not be in a position to pay. There are plenty personal and practical reasons for him to be not in the position to pay.

I disagree. My analogy involved a personal situation (which a BF and GF clearly constitutes). Your analogy involved a business transaction. Agreements between two people in a relationship should not be about getting over on the other person.

It was not a deal. He told her that he was going to move most of his stuff in like it was before they broke up. His reasoning was because since he missed her so much he was going to be there most of the time. Her response was that if he was going to be spending all his time there then he needed to just move in. Her reasoning for this is that when he spent all his time there before and never helped with any housework one of his excuses was because it wasn't "his place". When she asked him to move in he indicated that he could not afford to pay anything and she stupidly accepted that arrangement. If you read my post you would see that she is aware of all his bills. He can afford to help out. That is not a debatable point.

[scocar]

Originally Posted by riotsquirrelz

Based on her past (and current!) relationship history, she is in no position to teach anyone how to be in a healthy relationship. The fact that she even bought that phony story of "I can't have kids" from Daddy #2, to the point that she didn't take any precautions, is extremely disconcerting. The second that I read that part, I thought "what a way to get out of wearing a condom." As for her current relationship, why is she parenting a grown man, when she has two children to think about?

I will tell you, scocar, people here are not exaggerating when they tell you that your grandkids are in danger. My mother paraded a few boyfriends through our lives when we were kids, and my sister was sexually molested by one of these boyfriends. She may be feeding her kids, clothing them, etc., but she is not protecting them in her own home. She is failing to provide a basic need. Really, she keeps the Daddies away because they would be bad influences, but she essentially begs a stranger to move into her home? Her lack of self esteem is making her children vulnerable. Pedophiles seek out these kind of women. It is just a matter of time before one of them finds her...who knows, this "nice" guy may be the first in the string of many.

Oh my lord, I don't think I can even come back in this thread. My blood is boiling

Why is it so difficult for people to stay on topic? Can't people just respond to what is written. Why the need to speculate, extrapolate, and comment based on your own opinions.

1. Never said she was "teaching" anyone about how to be in a healthy relationship. I said she was giving him time to learn how to be in a relationship. Meaning putting some of his money towards the bills. That was the only point.

2. Since she has been single with her two kids she has let ONE guy live there in 1.5 years. She is not letting men go in and out of her life. Criticize what there is to criticize. While I agree that it was too soon and I advised her against it, by your statement she now needs to remain single for the rest of her life. I guess since there have been cases where step-parents molested kids no one should ever get remarried? There are dangers in everything. You can't live in fear of them all. You have to be careful. He is never alone with the kids. He does not babysit as he refuses to change a diaper.

3. His mom and sister were the ones that initially told her of his alleged infertility not him. Somehow I don't think it was a family conspiracy so their son and brother could avoid wearing condoms.

[Nite Ryder]

Originally Posted by lifeexplorer

I highlighted the part for you to revisit. I just don't see this guy is selfish in anyway.

This is the agreement for him to move in. It looks to me that you and your daughter now think the agreement isn't good and want to change it, which to me is quite unethical and not cool.

I can see why you think he's a nice guy because I personally wouldn't be so nice if you try this "trick" on me. In addition, this guy shouldn't be responsible for her financial situation - why should he raise someone else' children? In all fairness, he should only pay for 1/4 of the bill even if he agrees to change your original agreement.

I agree! I think you are the first poster who has recognized it was her idea that he moved in, in fact, she INSISTED on it. It was also understood FROM THE START that he was not responsible for her bills. So all of the people that said he was a moocher and freeloader just didn't read the first post. He did what he was asked to do. The best advice I can give goes to him, and that advice is to get away from these two people, the daughter and her father...

[germaine2626]

SCOCAR wrote: Sometimes posts are made and the whole story is not given. We are botrh aware of the child support laws. The point is that paternity would have to be established first. My daughter has had so many issues with Dad #1, that she likes not having Dad #2 in the picture at all. Dad #2, while being a nice guy, did not have a job the entire time they were together. He drinks all the time and has taken no responsibility for his kid. The fact that he is not on the birth certificate means he can't pop in and out of his son's life like Dad #1 has done. So my daughter is reluctant to involve him by establishing paternity and going after him for child support.

I really don't know what I would do in that situation. But as I posted before even unemployed losers can get their life together. Let's say that the boyfriends are your daughters age, just like she will be a much different woman at age 33 or 41 imagine the fathers at age 33 or 41.

I will share the story of a good friend of my son and her family. The parents were married and had three young children but they got divorced (I'm told) because the dad was a drunk, couldn't hold a job and was a bad influence. The mom signed some type of contract stating that she would never ask for child support and he could not have contact with their children. The single mom supported herself and three children on a very limited income. My son's friend said that there were times when they barely had enough to eat and lived in a tiny two bedroom apartment. Fast forward ten years and the once deadbeat dad got his life together and became successful. He remarried and his new family got all of the perks, trips to Europe, a huge house, etc. The dad could very easily have paid child support for his three children which would have greatly improved their lives. When my son's friend turned 18 she reestablished contact with her dad, who was now very, very successful. BTW she wanted to know him not to get money from him. He was resentful that he was cut out of his children's lives for so long that it was very hard for everyone.

Although she loved and respected her mother she once told me that she wished her mother would have thought more years in the future instead of looking at the biological father just as he was at the time of the divorce. Her story has stayed with me. Perhaps. those dads will stay deadbeat dads but perhaps not. I'm just pointing out that your daughter should consider the present and the future when deciding what to do. A lot can change in 5 - 10 -15 -18 years.

Good luck to you and your daughter and grandchildren.

[Just1Fan]

From what I've seen, I woman usually chooses a man similar to her father. If she witnesses her mom receiving respect from her father, there's no way in hell she should let any man disrespect her. First of all, the apple usually doesn't fall far from the tree. And, based on the reality of having two baby daddy's and a dead beat boyfriend, I suspect your daughter has low self-esteem and doesn't understand (1) how a woman should carry herself, or (2) how a man should treat a woman. One thing for certain though, you can only raise her once. After that, she's grown and there's nothing a parent can do, except fight with her. I know it's hard, but you have to let her live her own life. Once she falls down and bumps her head a few times, she'll get tired of it and begin to make better choices for both herself and her kids. Until then, don't let her run up your blood pressure. My mother always said, "if you raise your kids properly, you don't have to worry about 'em, once they're grown". I would do everything I could for those grand children, but the best thing for your daughter is tough love. Good luck.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by riotsquirrelz

Based on her past (and current!) relationship history, she is in no position to teach anyone how to be in a healthy relationship. The fact that she even bought that phony story of "I can't have kids" from Daddy #2, to the point that she didn't take any precautions, is extremely disconcerting. The second that I read that part, I thought "what a way to get out of wearing a condom." As for her current relationship, why is she parenting a grown man, when she has two children to think about?

I will tell you, scocar, people here are not exaggerating when they tell you that your grandkids are in danger. My mother paraded a few boyfriends through our lives when we were kids, and my sister was sexually molested by one of these boyfriends. She may be feeding her kids, clothing them, etc., but she is not protecting them in her own home. She is failing to provide a basic need. Really, she keeps the Daddies away because they would be bad influences, but she essentially begs a stranger to move into her home? Her lack of self esteem is making her children vulnerable. Pedophiles seek out these kind of women. It is just a matter of time before one of them finds her...who knows, this "nice" guy may be the first in the string of many.

Oh my lord, I don't think I can even come back in this thread. My blood is boiling

Yep.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by scocar

Why is it so difficult for people to stay on topic?

Maybe because we are horrified to see your house on fire while you off in la-la land.