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Marriage is a choice.
I choose to be married to my wife.
My wife chooses to be married to me.
When neither of us no longer want to choose, then the simple solution is to end the marriage.
Now as far as "staying for the kids," that is an individual choice as well.
Either way, it requires effort on your part to do what you think is worth doing while you made such choices.
You can also choose to do more simply because you want to.
Unfortunately, one chooses to wait for others to act first--that's basically not owning to be responsible for your choices.
You sound scared to make the choice of ending the marriage. The issue then is within yourself, and the solution is also within. Use this time to figure out yourself, figure out what you want in life, and figure out how to live that life--maybe once you figure it out, the kids are adults pursuing their own adult life.
Or you can choose to stop procrastinating and move your life in the positive direction.
My closest friend has been married 17 years to a woman he is not in love with-for the sake of the kids. She got pregnant on the honeymoon, for pete's sake. He feels it would dishonor his children and God to leave her, but here's the real bizarre thing-he told her he was never really in love with her and that it was the desire to raise the kids in a 2 parent household that kept him from the divorce.
She never has met even one of his sexual needs, either. This woman stays in the marriage why?? Because she loves him, yakkity shmakkity. She thinks one day he will just wake up and love her.
If a man told me he did not love me, 17 years or not, I would leave.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucario
All I know is, when the fighting gets to the kids' ears, they cry - and the boys aren't babies anymore - and they always tell me they feel sad when their parents talk about not being together anymore. They know we're only together for the kids - especially when their idiot mom always speaks badly of marriage in front of them . The kids have no reason to feel guilty just because their parents can't get along. I for one have continually told them they're the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I stayed for the better part of 19 years--for my kids. They were angry with me when I finally walked out--with them. But within ten years, maybe less, when they were older and wiser they both told me they're glad I did it, that they only wanted us to stay together for selfish reasons. All I managed to do was teach them how to stay in a miserable relationship. They learned well I'm sad to say. Now they say they wish I'd done it sooner. But I was too sucked into that 'stay for the kids' bs.
Marriage is a choice.
I choose to be married to my wife.
My wife chooses to be married to me.
When neither of us no longer want to choose, then the simple solution is to end the marriage.
Now as far as "staying for the kids," that is an individual choice as well.
Isn't it better, monetarily, for a man to remain married? What do divorced men who were previously in a residential setting do? My hunch is that they would go live in an apartment complex and write a support check, which is probably larger than it needs to be, and get a second bedroom with futons for their joint custody visits. I think that the economics are better when you raise kids under one roof, no? I think that simply visualizing the potential outcome like the one I've described is enough to keep a lot of men single or a lot of them running to the doctor for a vasectomy. It's a sad situation, where people may want to procreate, but have to factor in the high probability of divorce. Then, there's the societal AND religious guilt trip that you should get married and have children. We really live in some effed-up times.
Isn't it better, monetarily, for a man to remain married? What do divorced men who were previously in a residential setting do? My hunch is that they would go live in an apartment complex and write a support check, which is probably larger than it needs to be, and get a second bedroom with futons for their joint custody visits. I think that the economics are better when you raise kids under one roof, no? I think that simply visualizing the potential outcome like the one I've described is enough to keep a lot of men single or a lot of them running to the doctor for a vasectomy. It's a sad situation, where people may want to procreate, but have to factor in the high probability of divorce. Then, there's the societal AND religious guilt trip that you should get married and have children. We really live in some effed-up times.
It's better, monetarily, when two people get married, both have careers, and the couple does not have children. Whenever a man (or woman, because sometimes the woman is the primary wage earner) chooses to take on dependents, be they adults or children, that's precisely when marriage becomes less desirable from a strictly financial perspective.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,003,071 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by robertpolyglot
Isn't it better, monetarily, for a man to remain married? What do divorced men who were previously in a residential setting do? My hunch is that they would go live in an apartment complex and write a support check, which is probably larger than it needs to be, and get a second bedroom with futons for their joint custody visits. I think that the economics are better when you raise kids under one roof, no? I think that simply visualizing the potential outcome like the one I've described is enough to keep a lot of men single or a lot of them running to the doctor for a vasectomy. It's a sad situation, where people may want to procreate, but have to factor in the high probability of divorce. Then, there's the societal AND religious guilt trip that you should get married and have children. We really live in some effed-up times.
In my ex's case, no. He went out and bought a bar he couldn't afford and snorted the profits until the roof caved in. Apparently, I was holding him back from certain things in the marriage.
When I walked out, I shut the door behind me--didn't ask for as much as a dime. He eventually grew up but not til after he realized what he threw away. But by then I'd moved on. Not sure who the lucky ones were here....me...or my kids. Maybe all of us.
I could see it for monetary reasons. Why not, when half of the worlds arranged marriages don't even involve Love why not do it for strickly logical reasons.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,003,071 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LS Jaun
I could see it for monetary reasons. Why not, when half of the worlds arranged marriages don't even involve Love why not do it for strickly logical reasons.
Seriously, mutual agreements and different cultures which are accustomed to this do not count. When you enter a marriage for love, you expect better.
Now we're talking. Bring on the dogs/puppies...and even the cats. Shucks, that's another thread.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Not too many pets — pets can be extremely costly, and they absolutely will be if you're doing it right. Just not on par with raising a child or paying for a stay-at-home-wife-who's-not-a-mom.
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. The kids have no reason to feel guilty just because their parents can't get along. I for one have continually told them they're the best thing that's ever happened to me.
