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Old 03-19-2012, 04:33 PM
 
Location: Florida
2,301 posts, read 4,275,530 times
Reputation: 2257

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Quote:
Originally Posted by laorbust61 View Post
Sounds like growing pains in the new blended family.

Mom needs to remember to be respectful and grownup with dealing with ex's new wife. No fair projecting anger at ex spouse onto the new wife, it will only create a tense uncomfortable environment for the children. No fair jumping the new wife/stepmom for every little thing she doesn't like regarding how the children are cared for. I know the Mom is trying to establish dominance and all that, but that is only going to create more drama, and why should she do this? Everyone knows she is the children's mother and has the main say in how they are being raised, so she shouldn't have a need to take her possible insecurities out on the new wife.

Stepmom needs to be respectful and grownup when dealing with the children's mother. Dad and stepmom need to establish ground rules on parenting protocol and "chain of command" It's best for bio dad and mom to work out the particulars and then if children are living with dad, Dad and stepmom will work together with what he and children's mom have decided.

Dad needs to be respectful and grownup, sensitive to the sensibilities and feelings of his new wife and his ex/wife, more importantly now his children's mother. he should also get over any immature need to have the secret thrill of two women arguing about him, because that attitude will come back to bite him in ways he cannot even imagine.

Good luck to everyone, especially the kids.
The bolded sentence is why I'd rather use Hillary Clinton's taint as lip balm than ever be a step-parent.

Having someone's else's brat living in my house, not having any say in how it is raised, yet being forced to help execute the parenting plan I had no part in developing? Call the stewardess, Vaughn. I need one of those bags.

As soon as a kid sets foot in MY house -- no matter whose kid it is -- he follows MY rules. If someone has a problem with that, I suggest they find a different house for that kid.
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Old 03-19-2012, 04:46 PM
 
Location: Earth
3,797 posts, read 4,332,986 times
Reputation: 2493
This is why blended families struggle severely.

The new wife has no business in the parenting role. She needs to take on the role of "nice aunt" and she may be ok. Otherwise this marriage is in serious trouble.
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Old 03-19-2012, 04:47 PM
 
Location: Austin
2,173 posts, read 1,461,188 times
Reputation: 2082
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pimpy View Post
Your sister should give the girl a much later curfew than her mom does and let her wear clothes (or lack of) and listen to music her mom wouldn't approve of. Then laugh at the mom when she comes to pick her daughter up and has to drag her kicking and screaming into the car.

Awesome, I would love to be a fly on that wall!
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Old 03-19-2012, 04:49 PM
 
Location: Austin
2,173 posts, read 1,461,188 times
Reputation: 2082
Quote:
Originally Posted by laorbust61 View Post
Sounds like growing pains in the new blended family.

Mom needs to remember to be respectful and grownup with dealing with ex's new wife. No fair projecting anger at ex spouse onto the new wife, it will only create a tense uncomfortable environment for the children. No fair jumping the new wife/stepmom for every little thing she doesn't like regarding how the children are cared for. I know the Mom is trying to establish dominance and all that, but that is only going to create more drama, and why should she do this? Everyone knows she is the children's mother and has the main say in how they are being raised, so she shouldn't have a need to take her possible insecurities out on the new wife.

Stepmom needs to be respectful and grownup when dealing with the children's mother. Dad and stepmom need to establish ground rules on parenting protocol and "chain of command" It's best for bio dad and mom to work out the particulars and then if children are living with dad, Dad and stepmom will work together with what he and children's mom have decided.

Dad needs to be respectful and grownup, sensitive to the sensibilities and feelings of his new wife and his ex/wife, more importantly now his children's mother. he should also get over any immature need to have the secret thrill of two women arguing about him, because that attitude will come back to bite him in ways he cannot even imagine.

Good luck to everyone, especially the kids.
All sound and solid advice, thanks.
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Old 03-19-2012, 05:25 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,843 posts, read 54,836,635 times
Reputation: 22811
Quote:
Originally Posted by redvelvet709 View Post
All sound and solid advice, thanks.
This part is NOT solid advice.

Quote:
Dad and stepmom need to establish ground rules on parenting protocol and "chain of command" It's best for bio dad and mom to work out the particulars and then if children are living with dad, Dad and stepmom will work together with what he and children's mom have decided.
Not all ex-wife's decisions are supposed to be propagated into another woman's home. Every home has its own rules and visitors (somebody coming for 2 weekends a month IS a visitor) live by them when there.
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Old 03-19-2012, 07:03 PM
 
Location: Earth
3,797 posts, read 4,332,986 times
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Blended families just don't work, sorry to say.

That's one reason my lover and I are still together, we live seperately, we have separate rules for our own children.
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Old 03-19-2012, 10:38 PM
 
47,585 posts, read 35,904,646 times
Reputation: 21592
Quote:
Originally Posted by moonsavvy View Post
This is why blended families struggle severely.

The new wife has no business in the parenting role. She needs to take on the role of "nice aunt" and she may be ok. Otherwise this marriage is in serious trouble.
I agree. Chances are it's not the husband the ex-wife is jealous about but the daughter. She may worry about too lax a rein, few rules in one house while she's doing most of the raising of the girl.

I think if the new wife wants this family to work, she should go along with what mom wants for the child. If the child has to finish homework for example, the new wife should do her best to remind the daughter.

Since it's just for weekends, maybe the new wife could try to work with the mother of the girl -- when it comes to the girl and their approach on parenting. I wouldn't see any point in getting confrontational when it comes to the kid. Trying to keep a united front would work the best.
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Old 03-19-2012, 10:48 PM
 
Location: Earth
3,797 posts, read 4,332,986 times
Reputation: 2493
Word to the wise....


If you are the new wife, make friends with the ex wife. Not buddies but "warm chatter". My partner's ex wife and I get along great because I'm nice but not too nice.

She deserves respect so I give it to her, even though I disagree with some of her parenting decisions....
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Old 03-19-2012, 10:51 PM
 
47,585 posts, read 35,904,646 times
Reputation: 21592
Quote:
Originally Posted by Whyte Byrd View Post
Or, let me put it this way. If I were the new-comer....if my new husband had kids and an ex-wife, I'd do my best to maintain the wishes of the parents and not presume to over-ride either. It would not be my place. I'd tell the ex let me know so I don't seem like I'm trying to minimize your role. We don't need to be friends but we can agree for the kids' sake.
Yes -- I would think that if the new wife would view herself as more in a babysitter-type position - and accomodate the mother's instructions as best as she can. Ask mom what time her daughter should go to bed, what she needs to remind her to do, any medications or health concerns, etc etc.

The mother may not be very accustomed to having her child away from home with her and would prefer to watch over her child herself and it's probably very difficult to give her up on weekends, not knowing for sure what all goes on as far as her child. If she begins to realize her daughter is in good hands and no one is trying to up-end her parenting style, she may begin to enjoy her days off and relax.

It can be things like if there is a pool, will the girl swim unattended, will she be watched over as closely as she should be, will she be out wandering the neighborhood or will new wife make sure she's always safe.
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Old 03-20-2012, 12:40 AM
 
4,838 posts, read 5,182,959 times
Reputation: 2907
Quote:
Originally Posted by redvelvet709 View Post
My sister just got married to a guy with a pre- teen daughter. She has never had kids herself. This guy's ex wife is really berating her about what kind of influence she needs to be and basically does not believe she can "do the job." The ex has so far been pretty manipulative in her approach. I am not sure if it's jealousy or just concern for her child. Sis is a great influence with this girl from what I have witnessed.
Any advice from ya'll?
Did the husband get custody because his ex is an alcoholic or a drug addict?

This might explain this situation.
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