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Old 03-22-2012, 09:18 AM
 
5 posts, read 1,453 times
Reputation: 18
Smile your opinion in tx

Ok. Here is my brief story. Met a really great woman year and half ago. Went out a few times with friends (her preference). That was in September. First time we kissed was new year's. She didn't let me before. Kind of traditional. Anyway, she was pretty, fun, hard working, honest, raised two kids on her own. We had some wonderful, deep conversations. After the first month or so she tells me she is celibate. Didn't see that one coming. She told me she just felt like it was something she needed to do. Never told me it had any time limit. So from that point on I knew if I chose to continue to see her there would be no sex, at least for a while. So although I was still attracted to her I knew there was no point in letting things go to far so to speak. But in the meantime I did enjoy her and my time with her. We both loved to dance.
The problems for me started to arise when I noticed some behaviour from her I couldn't undertand. Whenever we would go out it was usually with other people, at least in the early days. She would dance with guys she knew, and then me, and then more with them etc. This went on several times before I finally said this isn't cool on a date. THen she wanted to spend time talking in her car late at night when I was falling asleep. She said she didn't realize that bothered me. All I wanted was to just spend time with her. Oh well. I also noticed sometimes when I met her out and tried to greet her she would turn her head when I tried to kiss her. Not all the time but some. I never knew what she was going to do.
I had my bday party last March at a nice restaurant. Invited friends and clients and played host because no one knew each other. Also invited her as my date. She arrived and I greeted her, bought her a drink, introduced her etc. Then went back to my other guests and the waiters etc. About an hour later that part was over and people left. She turns to me and tells me she is leaving to go dance. I said what? You are leaving? And she left. My date, my bday, she just walked out.
I was hurt and dumbfounded. She didn't say anything except goodbye. I did not talk to her for a couple of weeks. She was calling me constantly. When I finally talked to her I told her how hurt I was. She said I didn't hurt you, you were ignoring me so I left. I said you couldn't have just said something? She said that wasn't her job. Anyway I cut things off for a month or so.
When I finally saw her again it was June. We talked, she apologized and so didi I. We started having fun again. And then... I noticed the head turning thing. And one time when we were at a large dance I had to go to the restroom. I asked her to wait for me. I came out and she was gone. I walked around for 20 minutes trying to find her. I found her and she said her girlfriend had wanted to go to another part of the room. I just glared at her. Another time when I was going to have foot surgery I invited her, just her, out to dance my last time for awhile. I meet her and she is there with her friends. She never told me she invited them.
Her celibacy time ended, she told me. I had no idea it had a time limit. she never said anything. But I was emotionally back to square one and wasn't ready. Anyway a few weeks go by and she loses her job. AFter about a month search she found one in another city two hours away. She started to ask are we going to keep seeing each other. I couldn't answer that for the longest time. In the interim two more things happened. She had a goodbye dance at a place not far from where she lived. She invited me. I get there and her girlfriend is there. She hadn't told me that. I go to kiss her and she turns her head. She wouldn't do that in private. I finally called her on it and she acted like she didn't know what I was talking about. I became more upset and she said this isn't the time or place. I remember thinking when is this woman going to take my feelings seriously, at least some of the time.
As I proceeded to tell her how upset I was another man came over to ask her to dance. And............she got up and danced with him right in front of me. I was so shocked I was nauseated. It was my bday all over again. To my detriment I bit my tongue and let it go.
Also over that summer I had had a few surgeries. she came over to visit. But she would always say things like my friends are mad at you because I said I had to go see you and they wanted me to go out with them. I just looked at her like WTF? Why would you say that? But I was too drugged to talk about it.
Many times when she went out with her friends and she would tell me about it later she always told me how the guys were trying to come on to her and give her there digits. I never understood why she had to say that, why she had to remind me that other men found her attractive. I knew she was pretty.
And finally at her going away dinner she invited me and some friends. I get there. She arrives later and I go to greet her and she.........turns her head when I try to kiss her. She then proceeds to openly flirt with this other guy across the table. Even her girlfriend noticed it. She said he was a friend. I had never heard of him and he obviously didn't know who the hell I was. I even paid for her dinner. Later we went to dance and that guy went home. When we got to the dance place she puts her arm around me and acts all affectionate. I am thinking not this crap again. We go inside. I have to use the restroom. I ask her and her friend to wait. I come out and she is out on the floor with some older man. I told her that wasn't cool and she said he seemed so nice and needed someone to dance with.
Anway she moves. We talk some more on the phone. She pressures me more to commit to long distance. I finally cratered and said no. I was thinking about all those things she did and realized that, no mattter how much I cared for her, and I did, that that wasn't going to change without a lot of effort on her part. And this woman is 45. Married for 10 years 10 years ago and engaged three times since.
She started to cry. she said she thought I was the one, the guy for her. That two hours is not that long. That she could come every other weekend.
But I just got scared of being hurt again. Of getting mixed signals. Of the public humiliation. To this day I don't understand that about her. I had never had a woman do that.
So why am I writing this? Because I miss her. I do. I am the one that ended it and I miss her. When things were good they were really good. We had such wonderul talks and when we were together, just us, things were pretty good. All this and we never had sex.
All my friends, especially my women friends, think she is nuts. THat she has very high standards about how she expects to be treated but doesn't have a clue about how her behaviour affects others. I know she is way too calculating in her thoughts for everything to have been an oversight. I just know how she thinks.
Anway that is my long story. But no one here knows me and getting your opinions, harsh and honest as they may be, is what I want.
Thanks.
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Old 03-22-2012, 09:31 AM
 
Location: Chicago
2,160 posts, read 2,213,201 times
Reputation: 2137
Quote:
Originally Posted by jtex1 View Post
Ok. Here is my brief story. Met a really great woman year and half ago. Went out a few times with friends (her preference). That was in September. First time we kissed was new year's. She didn't let me before. Kind of traditional. Anyway, she was pretty, fun, hard working, honest, raised two kids on her own. We had some wonderful, deep conversations. After the first month or so she tells me she is celibate. Didn't see that one coming. She told me she just felt like it was something she needed to do. Never told me it had any time limit. So from that point on I knew if I chose to continue to see her there would be no sex, at least for a while. So although I was still attracted to her I knew there was no point in letting things go to far so to speak. But in the meantime I did enjoy her and my time with her. We both loved to dance.
The problems for me started to arise when I noticed some behaviour from her I couldn't undertand. Whenever we would go out it was usually with other people, at least in the early days. She would dance with guys she knew, and then me, and then more with them etc. This went on several times before I finally said this isn't cool on a date. THen she wanted to spend time talking in her car late at night when I was falling asleep. She said she didn't realize that bothered me. All I wanted was to just spend time with her. Oh well. I also noticed sometimes when I met her out and tried to greet her she would turn her head when I tried to kiss her. Not all the time but some. I never knew what she was going to do.
I had my bday party last March at a nice restaurant. Invited friends and clients and played host because no one knew each other. Also invited her as my date. She arrived and I greeted her, bought her a drink, introduced her etc. Then went back to my other guests and the waiters etc. About an hour later that part was over and people left. She turns to me and tells me she is leaving to go dance. I said what? You are leaving? And she left. My date, my bday, she just walked out.
I was hurt and dumbfounded. She didn't say anything except goodbye. I did not talk to her for a couple of weeks. She was calling me constantly. When I finally talked to her I told her how hurt I was. She said I didn't hurt you, you were ignoring me so I left. I said you couldn't have just said something? She said that wasn't her job. Anyway I cut things off for a month or so.
When I finally saw her again it was June. We talked, she apologized and so didi I. We started having fun again. And then... I noticed the head turning thing. And one time when we were at a large dance I had to go to the restroom. I asked her to wait for me. I came out and she was gone. I walked around for 20 minutes trying to find her. I found her and she said her girlfriend had wanted to go to another part of the room. I just glared at her. Another time when I was going to have foot surgery I invited her, just her, out to dance my last time for awhile. I meet her and she is there with her friends. She never told me she invited them.
Her celibacy time ended, she told me. I had no idea it had a time limit. she never said anything. But I was emotionally back to square one and wasn't ready. Anyway a few weeks go by and she loses her job. AFter about a month search she found one in another city two hours away. She started to ask are we going to keep seeing each other. I couldn't answer that for the longest time. In the interim two more things happened. She had a goodbye dance at a place not far from where she lived. She invited me. I get there and her girlfriend is there. She hadn't told me that. I go to kiss her and she turns her head. She wouldn't do that in private. I finally called her on it and she acted like she didn't know what I was talking about. I became more upset and she said this isn't the time or place. I remember thinking when is this woman going to take my feelings seriously, at least some of the time.
As I proceeded to tell her how upset I was another man came over to ask her to dance. And............she got up and danced with him right in front of me. I was so shocked I was nauseated. It was my bday all over again. To my detriment I bit my tongue and let it go.
Also over that summer I had had a few surgeries. she came over to visit. But she would always say things like my friends are mad at you because I said I had to go see you and they wanted me to go out with them. I just looked at her like WTF? Why would you say that? But I was too drugged to talk about it.
Many times when she went out with her friends and she would tell me about it later she always told me how the guys were trying to come on to her and give her there digits. I never understood why she had to say that, why she had to remind me that other men found her attractive. I knew she was pretty.
And finally at her going away dinner she invited me and some friends. I get there. She arrives later and I go to greet her and she.........turns her head when I try to kiss her. She then proceeds to openly flirt with this other guy across the table. Even her girlfriend noticed it. She said he was a friend. I had never heard of him and he obviously didn't know who the hell I was. I even paid for her dinner. Later we went to dance and that guy went home. When we got to the dance place she puts her arm around me and acts all affectionate. I am thinking not this crap again. We go inside. I have to use the restroom. I ask her and her friend to wait. I come out and she is out on the floor with some older man. I told her that wasn't cool and she said he seemed so nice and needed someone to dance with.
Anway she moves. We talk some more on the phone. She pressures me more to commit to long distance. I finally cratered and said no. I was thinking about all those things she did and realized that, no mattter how much I cared for her, and I did, that that wasn't going to change without a lot of effort on her part. And this woman is 45. Married for 10 years 10 years ago and engaged three times since.
She started to cry. she said she thought I was the one, the guy for her. That two hours is not that long. That she could come every other weekend.
But I just got scared of being hurt again. Of getting mixed signals. Of the public humiliation. To this day I don't understand that about her. I had never had a woman do that.
So why am I writing this? Because I miss her. I do. I am the one that ended it and I miss her. When things were good they were really good. We had such wonderul talks and when we were together, just us, things were pretty good. All this and we never had sex.
All my friends, especially my women friends, think she is nuts. THat she has very high standards about how she expects to be treated but doesn't have a clue about how her behaviour affects others. I know she is way too calculating in her thoughts for everything to have been an oversight. I just know how she thinks.
Anway that is my long story. But no one here knows me and getting your opinions, harsh and honest as they may be, is what I want.
Thanks.


Agree to disagree...
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Old 03-22-2012, 09:31 AM
 
Location: DFW - Coppell / Las Colinas
17,714 posts, read 16,517,408 times
Reputation: 16563
My opinion is... Ouch my eyes hurt trying to read your story.

Quote:
And this woman is 45. Married for 10 years 10 years ago and engaged three times since.
How old are you ? You come off as young. Sounds like she desperately needs a husband.
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Old 03-22-2012, 09:40 AM
 
Location: I am no Longer Invisible!!!!!
6,366 posts, read 5,788,048 times
Reputation: 15881
Quote:
Married for 10 years 10 years ago and engaged three times since.
When did she have time to be celibate?
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Old 03-22-2012, 09:42 AM
 
8,681 posts, read 7,450,232 times
Reputation: 14927
Quote:
Originally Posted by jtex1 View Post
I know she is way too calculating in her thoughts for everything to have been an oversight.
In longer OPs where the person asks for advice, there is usually one sentence where the person answers his or her own question. In your case, the above quote would be it.

If she is that calculating, then it sounds like she used you for the ego-stroking and free meals and drinks. She may have enjoyed your company and conversation, but not enough to take it a notch above friend-with-ego-boost. Now she's two hours away, in an area where she probably doesn't know anyone, and she's crying crocodile tears because she realizes there's no doormat there for her to take advantage of.

In short, she's a user, and you let yourself be used. Pick up your self-respect, straighten your spine, and move on. There are plenty of other women out there who are more grown up and less self-centered than she is.
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Old 03-22-2012, 09:59 AM
 
Location: Heart of Dixie
1,298 posts, read 1,037,934 times
Reputation: 1539
Be glad that's over. I agree she was using you, stringing you alone...sorry.
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Old 03-22-2012, 10:10 AM
 
5 posts, read 1,453 times
Reputation: 18
You guys are great. I did not mean for the post to be so long. For the record I am 50. She really did want to get married. She was hinting at that all along. How if she had to chose between love and sex, she would chose love.
I just had a hard time accepting that she would probably not put my feelings first, as I would for her, based on the things she did. I couldn't sign up for that. Even when she stormed out of my bday party she complained I didn't open her car door.
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Old 03-22-2012, 10:13 AM
 
9,717 posts, read 6,570,211 times
Reputation: 9773
jtex1...I wouldn't say she sounds all that traditional....I don't think she really knows what she wants....it sounds ,though, like you do......and I'm sorry to say that if you are looking for stability and mutual respect in a relationship...you should probably look elsewhere.....I mean if you enjoy sharing time with her ...fine...but you sound like it's more agonizing than it's worth, and why settle for just love without sex, when you can have (and deserve) both?.....Personally I'd move on
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Old 03-22-2012, 10:22 AM
 
1,070 posts, read 807,515 times
Reputation: 435
Quote:
Originally Posted by jtex1 View Post
You guys are great. I did not mean for the post to be so long. For the record I am 50. She really did want to get married. She was hinting at that all along. How if she had to chose between love and sex, she would chose love.
I just had a hard time accepting that she would probably not put my feelings first, as I would for her, based on the things she did. I couldn't sign up for that. Even when she stormed out of my bday party she complained I didn't open her car door.
Well, she has two kids already...who's she trying to fool? She was using or playing games with you. Give her the middle finger and the boot!
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Old 03-22-2012, 10:24 AM
 
1,070 posts, read 807,515 times
Reputation: 435
Relax, that was a joke! LOL I thought you needed one Sir.
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