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So is having a child. What's imporant is that both partner's AGREE.
Changing that midstream - isn't fair. To either one of you - and breaking up over that (if that's of big enough importance to you) is perfectly legitimate.
Everyone needs to stop guilting the poor guy - either way. No "IF YOU REALLY LOVED HER" .. clearly he does.
He's got a tough decision ahead of him, and people are probably going to be hurt no matter what he does.
I love her, which makes the situation extremely difficult. If I didn't, the situation wouldn't have gotten to this point (marriage, etc.). Do I feel naive? Yes, but more frustrated with the indecisiveness and back and forthness (is that even a word?) of what she's done and she's doing.
You can't lay your own indecisiveness on her SilverJohn....you went along with it then, and you're going along with it now.....don't find blame or fault with her...she's not sure what she wants right now....your frustration really comes from the fact that you've known about this for awhile...what have you SilverJohn done to change things?....does your sweetheart blame you?, when you can't make a desician?...You've got some serious thinkin needs doing....good luck!
Thanks to all for your advice. I've had multiple talks with my wife, and one of the things I requested was a mediator (therapist/etc.). I'd like for her to provide me with an answer, so I can come to terms with it and make my decision from there. Right now she has given me the same procrastination she has before. "We'll try in the future", and "regardless of whether I want one or not we're going to have one." I told her about pretty much everything we've talked about in this thread, and told her that she's telling me what I want to hear because she thinks I may leave her.
I have told her to be honest to herself, and not to worry about what I will do (easier said than done, I know). I told her that I don't want her to have a child because of me (I'll never force her to do something she doesn't want - and she doesn't want it). It's not fair to all parties involved (especially the child) if she doesn't want a child.
I have been up front with her, and all she needs to do is provide me with real truth, instead of telling me what I need to hear to keep me around. She scared, understandably, but these aren't games.
Regardless of what happens, I'm moving forward. I've talked to many people, beginning with the people on this website (thank you, again), and it has all helped me to put my guilt aside (I feel remorse easily) to push forward. I'm confident the right decisions will all be made.
OP - you sound like a very reasonable person. No matter what you decide, it seems as though you've taken the steps to be able to come to a decision that you will be able to LIVE with.
and that's the most important thing of all.
I wish the very best for you, and for your wife for that matter -- whatever you decide to do.
Okay, that hurt, but I feel like maybe it brought me down to your simple-minded intelligence level.
Since when is having kids a pre-req to getting married? Pretty sure people have children all the time without being married and last time I checked marriage is between two people who love each other. NOT two people and a child.
That's a modern construction. "Simple-minded intelligence" apparently means comprehending the historical purpose of marriage that has been under attack for the past thirty years. Sorry, thirty years of "progressive thought" doesn't somehow invalidate literally thousands of years of pragmatism.
That's a modern construction. "Simple-minded intelligence" apparently means comprehending the historical purpose of marriage that has been under attack for the past thirty years. Sorry, thirty years of "progressive thought" doesn't somehow invalidate literally thousands of years of pragmatism.
It only took you 2 weeks respond with an intellectual comeback...not too bad for someone who's user name is Free Beer.
Thanks to all for your advice. I've had multiple talks with my wife, and one of the things I requested was a mediator (therapist/etc.). I'd like for her to provide me with an answer, so I can come to terms with it and make my decision from there. Right now she has given me the same procrastination she has before. "We'll try in the future", and "regardless of whether I want one or not we're going to have one." I told her about pretty much everything we've talked about in this thread, and told her that she's telling me what I want to hear because she thinks I may leave her.
I think you need to make it clear to her that the above is worse than her saying yes or no to a baby. If she can't even go forward with a mediator, it show that she can't be honest with you or herself about her true feelings.
one thing you may need to contemplate is a separation. It seems to me that fear of losing you is keeping her from voicing her feelings. You can remove this fear by leaving and then she might be willing to go with a mediator. Possibly, even the threat of leaving until she moves forward may be enough to get her started.
To the OP: If you really want to have a child, you can have a child. It might be a bit tricky, but you could consider adoption or finding a surrogate. That way, you don't have to wait to get married again and take the chance that another wife won't want children — or that she can't have them.
It would also give you the experience of fatherhood you seem to want, only very up close and personal.
Many women don't wait until they get married until they have children. They juggle their jobs with childrearing responsibilities. So why should you wait? if you're a responsible adult and really do want to be a dad, I say "Go for it!"
It sounds to me like she thought you might change your mind. You didn't want marriage, but you changed your mind and married her. She didn't want kids, but since you changed your mind about marriage, maybe she thought you would change your mind about wanting children, too.
I can't say she deceived you when she said she thought she wanted children, but I must admit the timing was completely suspicious. She stuck by her decision that she didn't want children long before the marriage proposal, and then she went right back to it after you sealed the deal. Add that to the fact that she avoids the subject, and then asks whether or not you will resent her if you guys don't have a child. She sounds like she has never been on the fence about having children, especially with such bitter remarks as, "regardless of whether I want one or not we're going to have one."
I don't understand, really. You broke up with her before your marriage because you wanted children and she didn't. Now you can't break up for the same reasons you broke up before because you got married? Marriage vows don't suddenly make the pieces fit together better. There's obviously no compromise - you can't have half a child. Some people say, don't be another divorce statistic. So what do you have left? You can stay and be another type of statistic, those trapped in unhappy, unfulfilling marriages.
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