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Old 04-02-2012, 10:53 PM
 
Location: Brooklyn, NY born & raised!
2,593 posts, read 3,731,127 times
Reputation: 3502

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Quote:
Originally Posted by sturmgeist View Post
Yeah, well maybe her threatening to leave him was a wake up call..Now he changed, obviously he loves her and you think the marriage should be thrown away?? What happened to fighting for your marriage, the shame of getting divorced...They could have a great 20, 30,40, or 50 yrs to look forward to together, people can and do change, don't they?...

Mind if I ask how long u have been married and if u have ever been through tough times and fought through it? Or will u just abandon your husband when he least expects it like this lady...Please don't be rude and say 'none of your business'..just don't answer if u don;t want to talk to me, there's some really rude people here on CD who have said crap like that to me.

I would never be mean to my wife,especially not for 20 years but it seems like this guy has changed! Also let's not forget he is not here to defend himself, little does he know his life is about to be destroyed as well as their young daughters' even though he is being kind and a good husband
Clearly you've never been in an abusive relationship.

There is a big difference between having a fight and saying things you might not mean and being abusive.

Abuse has patterns. Being "nice" to make up for bad behavior or fear of losing the partner is one of them. He is placating her. What he is doing is attempting to manipulate and control her by being nice, hoping it will work in keeping her around and preventing her from leaving. He's not doing it because he's changed. No abuser who has been doing it for 20 years will change overnight, I'm sorry.

What you need to realize is most people do fight for their marriage as this woman clearly has, or she would not have stuck it out for 20 years. However how much is the marriage worth when one is abusing the other? Should someone stay just because the abuser "might" have changed? No. It's all part of a pattern. If he was going to change he would seek help. Not talk about it, but actually go and do it. That is the sign of someone who is willing to change. Not someone all of a sudden acting nice.

By the way, there is no shame in getting a divorce, especially in situations such as this one. No one should have to stay in an abusive marriage for fear of being shamed by a divorce. Sometimes we end up marrying someone who is really not right for us at all, we just don't see it right away, or people end up changing over time into someone else completely different.

Until you have been in an abusive relationship (and remember, this one was all 3, emotional, physical and mental), you will never fully understand how hard it is to actually leave the person and how much you are willing to put up with for the sake of your own sanity and relationship.

My friend, you have a lot to learn. Just trust me on it.

 
Old 04-02-2012, 10:55 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 86,115,502 times
Reputation: 39670
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss J 74 View Post
Clearly you've never been in an abusive relationship.

There is a big difference between having a fight and saying things you might not mean and being abusive.

Abuse has patterns. Being "nice" to make up for bad behavior or fear of losing the partner is one of them. He is placating her. What he is doing is attempting to manipulate and control her by being nice, hoping it will work in keeping her around and preventing her from leaving. He's not doing it because he's changed. No abuser who has been doing it for 20 years will change overnight, I'm sorry.

What you need to realize is most people do fight for their marriage as this woman clearly has, or she would not have stuck it out for 20 years. However how much is the marriage worth when one is abusing the other? Should someone stay just because the abuser "might" have changed? No. It's all part of a pattern. If he was going to change he would seek help. Not talk about it, but actually go and do it. That is the sign of someone who is willing to change. Not someone all of a sudden acting nice.

By the way, there is no shame in getting a divorce, especially in situations such as this one. No one should have to stay in an abusive marriage for fear of being shamed by a divorce. Sometimes we end up marrying someone who is really not right for us at all, we just don't see it right away, or people end up changing over time into someone else completely different.

Until you have been in abusive relationship (and remember, this one was all 3, emotional, physical and mental), you will never fully understand how hard it is to actually leave the person and how much you are willing to put up with for the sake of your own sanity and relationship.

My friend, you have a lot to learn. Just trust me on it.

Yep.
 
Old 04-02-2012, 11:54 PM
 
Location: In my skin
8,882 posts, read 13,858,985 times
Reputation: 8735
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss J 74 View Post
Clearly you've never been in an abusive relationship.

There is a big difference between having a fight and saying things you might not mean and being abusive.

Abuse has patterns. Being "nice" to make up for bad behavior or fear of losing the partner is one of them. He is placating her. What he is doing is attempting to manipulate and control her by being nice, hoping it will work in keeping her around and preventing her from leaving. He's not doing it because he's changed. No abuser who has been doing it for 20 years will change overnight, I'm sorry.

What you need to realize is most people do fight for their marriage as this woman clearly has, or she would not have stuck it out for 20 years. However how much is the marriage worth when one is abusing the other? Should someone stay just because the abuser "might" have changed? No. It's all part of a pattern. If he was going to change he would seek help. Not talk about it, but actually go and do it. That is the sign of someone who is willing to change. Not someone all of a sudden acting nice.

By the way, there is no shame in getting a divorce, especially in situations such as this one. No one should have to stay in an abusive marriage for fear of being shamed by a divorce. Sometimes we end up marrying someone who is really not right for us at all, we just don't see it right away, or people end up changing over time into someone else completely different.

Until you have been in an abusive relationship (and remember, this one was all 3, emotional, physical and mental), you will never fully understand how hard it is to actually leave the person and how much you are willing to put up with for the sake of your own sanity and relationship.

My friend, you have a lot to learn. Just trust me on it.
Si, si!
 
Old 04-03-2012, 12:22 AM
 
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
747 posts, read 634,408 times
Reputation: 513
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss J 74 View Post
Clearly you've never been in an abusive relationship.

There is a big difference between having a fight and saying things you might not mean and being abusive.

Abuse has patterns. Being "nice" to make up for bad behavior or fear of losing the partner is one of them. He is placating her. What he is doing is attempting to manipulate and control her by being nice, hoping it will work in keeping her around and preventing her from leaving. He's not doing it because he's changed. No abuser who has been doing it for 20 years will change overnight, I'm sorry.

What you need to realize is most people do fight for their marriage as this woman clearly has, or she would not have stuck it out for 20 years. However how much is the marriage worth when one is abusing the other? Should someone stay just because the abuser "might" have changed? No. It's all part of a pattern. If he was going to change he would seek help. Not talk about it, but actually go and do it. That is the sign of someone who is willing to change. Not someone all of a sudden acting nice.

By the way, there is no shame in getting a divorce, especially in situations such as this one. No one should have to stay in an abusive marriage for fear of being shamed by a divorce. Sometimes we end up marrying someone who is really not right for us at all, we just don't see it right away, or people end up changing over time into someone else completely different.

Until you have been in an abusive relationship (and remember, this one was all 3, emotional, physical and mental), you will never fully understand how hard it is to actually leave the person and how much you are willing to put up with for the sake of your own sanity and relationship.

My friend, you have a lot to learn. Just trust me on it.
Ok, maybe I'm wrong. I apologize to the OP if I am and he was really abusive and cruel and she was the victim. I just like to believe the best in people.

I just read this whole thread and it seems like everyone has a horror story marriage in their past. Maybe people are just not meant to get married? What a bummer
 
Old 04-03-2012, 12:46 AM
 
Location: England
1,171 posts, read 2,187,653 times
Reputation: 1007
Last night he came home with a bunch of flowers. Which made me feel awful and was painful. He was being lovey dovey and had sad eyes, like he knows something is up. My daugher said...."Snakes always sense when something is creeping up, because of the vibrations on the ground".....and that is HIS daughter talking about her father! Says it all really. But my daughter is also feeling sad, a bit, though she can see what a hard time I have had....indeed the hard time SHE has had, he father telling her "EVeryting is wrong about you, wrong attitude, wrong grade" Last night, he was clinging on to me. And I just thought this is going to be sooooooo difficult.

Yesterday, went to see the Solicitor and told him I am not buying that 4 bed house with the hubby.

Didn't stop all day yesterday, moving things from here to my rented house.

Tonight I will tell my hubby, I will soften the blow by telling him, "I need some space...lets see how things work out....I need some counselling, so do you....lets see how things work out when we have both had space and counselling". Once he has got over the shock, he is away from me.....the house sale is completed and I am in counselling, THEN I will make the separation longer....until hopefully he is weaned away from me and I can divorce.

I really hate doing this. I hate hurting anyone. I wanted things to work out and yes my husband has tried to change. But my heart is dead towards him now. And I feel I DO need space. There is nothing wrong with me living apart from him and having some counselling. I see nothing wrong with that.

Surely, it would have been wrong for me to buy another house with him, even though he says he is trying to change...I would again, be trapped in a house with a controller and abuser.

Remember, those who say I should keep going, only one week ago, he was telling his 14 year old son to "Get that F.......ing grin off your face" and telling me to shut up, slamming doors.

Its just too late. I have gone too far now anyway, burnt all my bridges. I have to go through with this. There is no backward motion now...its forward.

I am flaming scared, I am in the eye of the storm. And Its what I wanted - to escape - but no way is this easy. Destroying a marriage that was abusive and has become an empty shell is still hard. Painful.

Marriage should be for life. But he promised to Love, Honour and Cherish me.....he didn't. He set me up on a cycle of abuse....being nice, being quiet, building up, exploding, apologising, being nice. That has been MY life for the past 20 years. I just need to get off the crazy ride!!!!

Maybe, you never know, miracles happen, maybe I will separate, my hubby will go to counselling, I will go to counselling and eventually we will reunite??????

OK, just clutching at straws and trying to make things easier for myself before I jump!!!

OK. JUMP!!!!!!
 
Old 04-03-2012, 12:59 AM
 
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
747 posts, read 634,408 times
Reputation: 513
Quote:
Originally Posted by jennaflorrie View Post
Remember, those who say I should keep going, only one week ago, he was telling his 14 year old son to "Get that F.......ing grin off your face" and telling me to shut up, slamming doors.
Ok maybe my opinion is worthless + I don't know enough about your situation & I may really be nitpicking but although my dad really never swore he told me to wipe a grin off my face when I was a kid..I really see nothing too extreme about that... Also slamming doors and telling you to shut up is wrong but if you are having a fight that also doesn't seem that extreme or abusive..These seem like issues that need to be addressed but I doubt anyone would end a marriage over it, so there has to be more to this...

Honestly, based on this & the fact that u seem open to reconciling it doesn't really seem the abuse is the problem at this point but that you don't love him anymore. It appears like the closer u get to separating from him the more apprehensive u are becoming about it & thinking maybe you are wrong. At the beggining of this thread you were totally adamant about divorcing and wanting nothing to do with him, now come time to go through with it u seem to be changing your tune...
 
Old 04-03-2012, 01:11 AM
 
Location: England
1,171 posts, read 2,187,653 times
Reputation: 1007
So your dad never swore? Well my children have heard their dad swear AT them. My heart finally died towards my husband last November, I watched him drive off with my daughter in the car....she looked so sad and trapped, he was already berating her, his face was twisted and angry. I felt helpless, knowing that all the way to the party she was going to, she would be verbally machine gunned. Put down. Watching my daughter, I realised he was doing to her the same as he did to me. And I just felt sick.

My Son is grateful to his dad for all he does, but he is controlling of him too. And my children walk on eggshells with him.

This is not normal.

Of course I am having cold feet. Its a pretty scary time for me. But I know how I originally felt, and my heart knows that I have to separate.

Maybe it won't be for ever. But thats just my mind in fear at the whole thought of separating.

I have diaries filled with the accounts of my hubby ruining holidays, family occasions....days out....one day out.....I had my son in a push chair and he had hold of his young daughters hand and he was yelling at me to "Get here" in front of everyone. I just walked off. Then he told me F....this . F.... that F.... you F.....this *****.....the whole works - what was that about?????? NOTHING! And he spoilt again a FAMILY time. My children have grown up watching their dads erratic ways. I just want and need some space. I want to see how I feel living without him. I need to get into some counselling and work through these things. If my husband really wants to change, then he will wait for me to have counselling and he will get counselling himself.

I have a soft heart, watching my hubby suffer because I am leaving, is still hard. Even after everything he has done, its still hard. I don't want to hurt him. I am too soft.

I wish I was more ruthless. I am not. Thats why I stayed all these years.

I just need that space.
 
Old 04-03-2012, 05:35 AM
 
Location: DFW - Coppell / Las Colinas
29,970 posts, read 34,577,096 times
Reputation: 35977
Jenna... One thing is never drag things out once you've decided to do something. Do it quickly with the minimum amount of contact and hassle.

The faster you get to your goal the shorter the time for pain and the healing and acceptance (for him also) can begin.

I mentioned earlier and do believe that if he has any brains, he'll be a better man also when you leave. Hopefully he'll learn and reflect back on where he screwed up. It may hurt him but in reality you are doing him a favor also.

Look at your leaving as helping him and you'll feel less guilty.
 
Old 04-03-2012, 06:00 AM
 
Location: On the Ohio River in Western, KY
3,388 posts, read 5,548,287 times
Reputation: 3332
Quote:
Originally Posted by sturmgeist View Post
Yeah, well maybe her threatening to leave him was a wake up call..Now he changed, obviously he loves her and you think the marriage should be thrown away?? What happened to fighting for your marriage, the shame of getting divorced...They could have a great 20, 30,40, or 50 yrs to look forward to together, people can and do change, don't they?...
Bull! Abusers hardly EVER change. It takes a near death or a LONG time in jail before they do. Kiddo, just don't. You are barely older than their marriage, and you are trying to tell a batter wife she should "stick it out and try harder"? BAH!


Quote:
Originally Posted by sturmgeist View Post
Mind if I ask how long u have been married and if u have ever been through tough times and fought through it? Or will u just abandon your husband when he least expects it like this lady...Please don't be rude and say 'none of your business'..just don't answer if u don;t want to talk to me, there's some really rude people here on CD who have said crap like that to me.

I have been married almost 14 yrs. We have been through 3 tours in the ME, two pregnancies, one stillborn, countless surgeries, 3 near death episodes (two for me due to medical, once for him being shot over there in the line of duty), and countless other problems. But NEVER ONCE has he EVER laid a hand to me, or even so much as threatened to, nor raised a hand in anger to our child, or his daughter (my step).

I would however leave his ass in a New York minute if he ever did. I will tolerate an abusive man.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sturmgeist View Post
I would never be mean to my wife,especially not for 20 years but it seems like this guy has changed! Also let's not forget he is not here to defend himself, little does he know his life is about to be destroyed as well as their young daughters' even though he is being kind and a good husband
Apparently his daughter is ready to go and get out from under the abuse as well.

Abusers are always kind and sweet when they think they are loosing a grip on their easy target. They are NOT men, they are males. They don't have what it takes to be real men.

Now apologize to her for hurting her when she is most vulnerable, 'cause that was pretty low IMO.
 
Old 04-03-2012, 06:24 AM
 
Location: Kansas
19,189 posts, read 14,091,698 times
Reputation: 18141
You should look at articles on divorcing someone with Border Line Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the procedure is pretty much the same. See if that information doesn't enlighten you and help you stay focused. I am looking at doing this same thing but my husband of 30 years is aware of it. Does it scare me? You bet. The only thing more scary is the thought of being trapped like this until I die especially when he might be the cause of my death. My husband became progressively worse as he aged and has become a totally different person since he his "issues" became undeniable three years ago. I know this is hard for you because you must have some good memories. I can't even count the number of times, the number of resources I identified for him, the number of times he has broken my heart while trying to break my spirit but my ability to fix things goes beyond him, way beyond. Be strong and be safe.
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