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Old 04-03-2012, 06:28 AM
 
Location: Heart of Dixie
1,298 posts, read 1,012,017 times
Reputation: 1539
My question is this...why doyou even care how he feels? IF he is so abusive, and mean...Iwouldn't care, and yes, I HAVE been there and didn't care. File for divorce immediately. Move on. Do not tease him or yourself.

 
Old 04-03-2012, 06:31 AM
 
17,650 posts, read 16,561,179 times
Reputation: 17366
Quote:
Originally Posted by sturmgeist View Post
Yeah, well maybe her threatening to leave him was a wake up call..Now he changed, obviously he loves her and you think the marriage should be thrown away?? What happened to fighting for your marriage, the shame of getting divorced...They could have a great 20, 30,40, or 50 yrs to look forward to together, people can and do change, don't they?...

Mind if I ask how long u have been married and if u have ever been through tough times and fought through it? Or will u just abandon your husband when he least expects it like this lady...Please don't be rude and say 'none of your business'..just don't answer if u don;t want to talk to me, there's some really rude people here on CD who have said crap like that to me.

I would never be mean to my wife,especially not for 20 years but it seems like this guy has changed! Also let's not forget he is not here to defend himself, little does he know his life is about to be destroyed as well as their young daughters' even though he is being kind and a good husband
Your post is so devoid of any use of the brain, at all, I suspect you are posting just to **** off the women. Have fun.
 
Old 04-03-2012, 06:33 AM
 
Location: Lower east side of Toronto
10,579 posts, read 4,577,934 times
Reputation: 8956
Failure is failure...both the husband and the wife failed...it's a shame that people play the blame game...and the catch phrase of modernity....abuse is bantered about so frequently...there is the making of good and proper use of each other...and the abuse of each other..People do not know how to make good use of partnerships these days.
 
Old 04-03-2012, 06:38 AM
 
Location: Heart of Dixie
1,298 posts, read 1,012,017 times
Reputation: 1539
How did she make him abusive?? That's down right repulsive to suggest someone MADE someone be mean to them.
 
Old 04-03-2012, 10:09 AM
 
3,894 posts, read 3,330,014 times
Reputation: 5209
Quote:
Originally Posted by round4 View Post
How did she make him abusive?? That's down right repulsive to suggest someone MADE someone be mean to them.
Exactly! Her husband has mental health problems and needs help and he will not seek help. He may play with the idea to try to lure her back but he will stop dead in his tracks when it comes time to work on him.

Once the OP is safe and set-up, it is best not to give him any hope and take the stance that he is SO much better off without her.
 
Old 04-03-2012, 10:52 AM
 
26,947 posts, read 20,051,738 times
Reputation: 24192
Quote:
Originally Posted by sturmgeist View Post
So what happens if you get in a fight with your wife and say 'screw u' or 'f*** u' then you have to fear she will leave you? I thought fights are normal and it doesn't sound like he was ever physically abusive?...It just scares me that people give up so easy or fall out of love with the snap of a finger.

Basically what I'm saying is this guy fears losing his wife and has been on extra good behavior because he loves her so much that he couldn't bear losing her...Doesn't he deserve a chance? Maybe he has mental health issues which caused him to be mean or maybe he just took her for granted and didn't realize how much he was hurting her...
If I had a wife and she was mean to me and I finally got fed up, told her I couldn't take it anymore....and then she changed, I would be so happy! I would tell her how much I appreciate her for making such an effort for me and that she's the best and I love her.

Can't this lady just do the same? She should tell her husband how much it means to her that he's been being so nice...Kiss him, go out for dinner, have sexy time..etc and it would strengthen their marriage a lot, but she seems vindictive and wants to punish him by surprising him with a divorce.

I'm really easy going so I hope I can meet a girl who is the same and we can live happy together forever and if we ever fight i won;t have to be scared of her leaving me
RE BOLDED--She would be lying. It doesn't mean much to her that he's being so nice, because he's only doing it to prevent her from leaving and she knows it's temporary and fake.

If you are scared of a woman leaving you, then don't treat her like dirt for 20 years.
 
Old 04-03-2012, 11:00 AM
 
26,947 posts, read 20,051,738 times
Reputation: 24192
Quote:
Originally Posted by jennaflorrie View Post
Last night he came home with a bunch of flowers. Which made me feel awful and was painful. He was being lovey dovey and had sad eyes, like he knows something is up. My daugher said...."Snakes always sense when something is creeping up, because of the vibrations on the ground".....and that is HIS daughter talking about her father! Says it all really. But my daughter is also feeling sad, a bit, though she can see what a hard time I have had....indeed the hard time SHE has had, he father telling her "EVeryting is wrong about you, wrong attitude, wrong grade" Last night, he was clinging on to me. And I just thought this is going to be sooooooo difficult.

Yesterday, went to see the Solicitor and told him I am not buying that 4 bed house with the hubby.

Didn't stop all day yesterday, moving things from here to my rented house.

Tonight I will tell my hubby, I will soften the blow by telling him, "I need some space...lets see how things work out....I need some counselling, so do you....lets see how things work out when we have both had space and counselling". Once he has got over the shock, he is away from me.....the house sale is completed and I am in counselling, THEN I will make the separation longer....until hopefully he is weaned away from me and I can divorce.

I really hate doing this. I hate hurting anyone. I wanted things to work out and yes my husband has tried to change. But my heart is dead towards him now. And I feel I DO need space. There is nothing wrong with me living apart from him and having some counselling. I see nothing wrong with that.

Surely, it would have been wrong for me to buy another house with him, even though he says he is trying to change...I would again, be trapped in a house with a controller and abuser.

Remember, those who say I should keep going, only one week ago, he was telling his 14 year old son to "Get that F.......ing grin off your face" and telling me to shut up, slamming doors.

Its just too late. I have gone too far now anyway, burnt all my bridges. I have to go through with this. There is no backward motion now...its forward.

I am flaming scared, I am in the eye of the storm. And Its what I wanted - to escape - but no way is this easy. Destroying a marriage that was abusive and has become an empty shell is still hard. Painful.

Marriage should be for life. But he promised to Love, Honour and Cherish me.....he didn't. He set me up on a cycle of abuse....being nice, being quiet, building up, exploding, apologising, being nice. That has been MY life for the past 20 years. I just need to get off the crazy ride!!!!

Maybe, you never know, miracles happen, maybe I will separate, my hubby will go to counselling, I will go to counselling and eventually we will reunite??????

OK, just clutching at straws and trying to make things easier for myself before I jump!!!

OK. JUMP!!!!!!
Yes, JUMP. Bear in mind what he was like just a week ago, and what he can be like. Look, he might truly be feeling regret, and he also might truly not understand that he is an abusive jerk. But, so what? Is that reason enough for you to stay and take it some more? Because YOU KNOW he cannot keep up this new, improved self for very long. It is not his nature, and you know what his nature is.

Maybe someday he will change. Maybe someday you can reunite and have a relationship. Maybe. But for now, you have to take care of you, and he has to take care of himself.
 
Old 04-03-2012, 11:11 AM
 
921 posts, read 838,967 times
Reputation: 2112
Quote:
Originally Posted by jennaflorrie View Post
Last night he came home with a bunch of flowers. Which made me feel awful and was painful. He was being lovey dovey and had sad eyes, like he knows something is up. My daugher said...."Snakes always sense when something is creeping up, because of the vibrations on the ground".....and that is HIS daughter talking about her father! Says it all really. But my daughter is also feeling sad, a bit, though she can see what a hard time I have had....indeed the hard time SHE has had, he father telling her "EVeryting is wrong about you, wrong attitude, wrong grade" Last night, he was clinging on to me. And I just thought this is going to be sooooooo difficult.

Yesterday, went to see the Solicitor and told him I am not buying that 4 bed house with the hubby.

Didn't stop all day yesterday, moving things from here to my rented house.
From the mouths of babes. I'd rep her for that if I could.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jennaflorrie View Post
Tonight I will tell my hubby, I will soften the blow by telling him, "I need some space...lets see how things work out....I need some counselling, so do you....lets see how things work out when we have both had space and counselling". Once he has got over the shock, he is away from me.....the house sale is completed and I am in counselling, THEN I will make the separation longer....until hopefully he is weaned away from me and I can divorce.

I really hate doing this. I hate hurting anyone. I wanted things to work out and yes my husband has tried to change. But my heart is dead towards him now. And I feel I DO need space. There is nothing wrong with me living apart from him and having some counselling. I see nothing wrong with that.

Surely, it would have been wrong for me to buy another house with him, even though he says he is trying to change...I would again, be trapped in a house with a controller and abuser.

Remember, those who say I should keep going, only one week ago, he was telling his 14 year old son to "Get that F.......ing grin off your face" and telling me to shut up, slamming doors.
Staying with him hurts you. If you hate hurting anyone, why would you keep hurting yourself that way? Hasn't he hurt you enough without your joining in?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jennaflorrie View Post
Its just too late. I have gone too far now anyway, burnt all my bridges. I have to go through with this. There is no backward motion now...its forward.

I am flaming scared, I am in the eye of the storm. And Its what I wanted - to escape - but no way is this easy. Destroying a marriage that was abusive and has become an empty shell is still hard. Painful.
There isn't a way out if it. But there is a way through it. And that way has a sign saying "EXIT".

Quote:
Originally Posted by jennaflorrie View Post
Marriage should be for life. But he promised to Love, Honour and Cherish me.....he didn't. He set me up on a cycle of abuse....being nice, being quiet, building up, exploding, apologising, being nice. That has been MY life for the past 20 years. I just need to get off the crazy ride!!!!

Maybe, you never know, miracles happen, maybe I will separate, my hubby will go to counselling, I will go to counselling and eventually we will reunite??????

OK, just clutching at straws and trying to make things easier for myself before I jump!!!

OK. JUMP!!!!!!
Then start buying lottery tickets--the odds are better.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jennaflorrie View Post
So your dad never swore? Well my children have heard their dad swear AT them. My heart finally died towards my husband last November, I watched him drive off with my daughter in the car....she looked so sad and trapped, he was already berating her, his face was twisted and angry. I felt helpless, knowing that all the way to the party she was going to, she would be verbally machine gunned. Put down. Watching my daughter, I realised he was doing to her the same as he did to me. And I just felt sick.

My Son is grateful to his dad for all he does, but he is controlling of him too. And my children walk on eggshells with him.

This is not normal.

Of course I am having cold feet. Its a pretty scary time for me. But I know how I originally felt, and my heart knows that I have to separate.

Maybe it won't be for ever. But thats just my mind in fear at the whole thought of separating.

I have diaries filled with the accounts of my hubby ruining holidays, family occasions....days out....one day out.....I had my son in a push chair and he had hold of his young daughters hand and he was yelling at me to "Get here" in front of everyone. I just walked off. Then he told me F....this . F.... that F.... you F.....this *****.....the whole works - what was that about?????? NOTHING! And he spoilt again a FAMILY time. My children have grown up watching their dads erratic ways. I just want and need some space. I want to see how I feel living without him. I need to get into some counselling and work through these things. If my husband really wants to change, then he will wait for me to have counselling and he will get counselling himself.

I have a soft heart, watching my hubby suffer because I am leaving, is still hard. Even after everything he has done, its still hard. I don't want to hurt him. I am too soft.

I wish I was more ruthless. I am not. Thats why I stayed all these years.

I just need that space.
That's very noble and compassionate of you. Don't you deserve the same nobility and compassion from yourself?

Go. Just take the kids and go. Don't look back.
 
Old 04-03-2012, 11:16 AM
 
11 posts, read 8,157 times
Reputation: 16
I've read, almost through this entire post, and I have to say: You both need to take a step back and think about this. Truth: You've mentioned that for the past couple of MONTHS he hasn't been abusive, but has been 'venting' at your daughter. This can be seen as a sign of reform, a willingness to change. You've stuck around for 20 years. It's hard to leave someone who has been so abusive, and yet your original poste you actually sound gleeful. Not to mention the fact that you hadn't told him what was up, but he seemed like he could 'sense' it. You've implied that he was both mentally and physically abusive, but haven't given a direct example of which you've done any harm. No offence, but I feel as though I'm only getting one side of a very long story. Each person percieves things differently, and while his actions, in the wrong or not, COULD have been caused as a direct result of your own. (Not saying they are, but could be.)((Nor am I laying blame.))

As for most articles on the subject, alot are strongly biased towards men. Men are the more physical of the sexes, but this does not mean that a woman cannot directly effect what a man does, via subconscious patterns. In a typical relationship, both partners share parental duties, household quams are kept to a minimum, and they trust each other to take care of each other and the children. From my perspective of your relationship over the past 20 years, it would seem as though you have violent and loud arguements, that lead to physical violence.

While I feel for your situation as you described, I can't help but wonder if you have ever tried couples council. Or any other various forms of it. As you stated, for the past few months he's been on 'good behaviour' which is indicitive of change. However, if his fuming anger is as bad as you imply, then seeking help would be another option. Most people cast off those who use physical violence as an answer for thier problems, when the opposite is needed. I do not condone physical violence, however, I don't think you should be as 'gleeful' as you seem to be about this. It also seems quite counterintuative of you to with hold the information from him, and imply that you would be buying a house together, when that is indeed, not the case.

Seek help. Both of you.
 
Old 04-03-2012, 11:46 AM
 
Location: England
1,169 posts, read 1,424,889 times
Reputation: 956
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thetruthhurtz View Post
I've read, almost through this entire post, and I have to say: You both need to take a step back and think about this. Truth: You've mentioned that for the past couple of MONTHS he hasn't been abusive, but has been 'venting' at your daughter. This can be seen as a sign of reform, a willingness to change. You've stuck around for 20 years. It's hard to leave someone who has been so abusive, and yet your original poste you actually sound gleeful. Not to mention the fact that you hadn't told him what was up, but he seemed like he could 'sense' it. You've implied that he was both mentally and physically abusive, but haven't given a direct example of which you've done any harm. No offence, but I feel as though I'm only getting one side of a very long story. Each person percieves things differently, and while his actions, in the wrong or not, COULD have been caused as a direct result of your own. (Not saying they are, but could be.)((Nor am I laying blame.))

As for most articles on the subject, alot are strongly biased towards men. Men are the more physical of the sexes, but this does not mean that a woman cannot directly effect what a man does, via subconscious patterns. In a typical relationship, both partners share parental duties, household quams are kept to a minimum, and they trust each other to take care of each other and the children. From my perspective of your relationship over the past 20 years, it would seem as though you have violent and loud arguements, that lead to physical violence.

While I feel for your situation as you described, I can't help but wonder if you have ever tried couples council. Or any other various forms of it. As you stated, for the past few months he's been on 'good behaviour' which is indicitive of change. However, if his fuming anger is as bad as you imply, then seeking help would be another option. Most people cast off those who use physical violence as an answer for thier problems, when the opposite is needed. I do not condone physical violence, however, I don't think you should be as 'gleeful' as you seem to be about this. It also seems quite counterintuative of you to with hold the information from him, and imply that you would be buying a house together, when that is indeed, not the case.

Seek help. Both of you.
I did intend to buy the house with him, because I tried to forgive him. I only made up my mind finally last Monday. I just couldn't go through with it. I would have been trapped in a DIFFERENT house - and yet the house had sold and I had my chance to be away from him. Yes, to have counsel. Of course. We both need that. But I have tried so long, he flares up at the slightest thing. I mean the slightest. His daughter fell over when we went out a few years ago....he stood over her and said "..........is so embarassing, shall we just leave her here" I was shocked. I had to tell him off and he did say sorry, but what kind of person says that to his daugher of 14 who has fallen on the floor and his crying?

On a day trip last year, before going, he didn't like some little thing....can't even remember what it was now....he said "F......this I'm not going" and marched back into the house, leaving us all in the car. Then he had a go at my daughter saying it was her fault (!) had a go at me, then insiisted we all go on the trip!!!!! I didn't dare say a word to him the whole hour it took to get there!

I mentioned a town one day, he started arguing about it, just like that....and wouldn;t back down....ranting and raving.

There is no reasoning with him when he is in a mood. None.

Even his own mother and father said "I don't know how you put up with him" when he has been awful.

There is so much more, but If it is ME. Well, he IS better off without me, finding someone else. But I have lots of friends, I am easy going. He has few friends if any...and is like a nut case.

I agree that marriage should be for life. Of course. But when the vows get broken.....whether its adultery or abuse....then it can kill that marriage.

My heart has been chipped away bit by bit by bit over the years....then last November there was NOTHING left.

I have been running on empty a long time. Last November the fuel ran out. Just like that.

I am so sorry it has to be like this. I really, really am. But I don't even like him anymore. I don't love him. I care about him I pity him. But that is all.

The house sale has gone through. I am out this week. He'll be home soon, maybe, I told him on the phone this morning while he was at work, that I couldnt buy the house with him. I was a gentle as I could be, I told him I needed time and space. He said "You know my heart" and I know he has tried, maybe I should give him MORE time, but I just need space to see where it is I need to go. Renting the house out will give me space to see if I am correct. Buyiing a new house with him would be wrong at this moment. Sad, sad though it is.
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