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Old 04-03-2012, 12:59 PM
 
3,395 posts, read 3,214,875 times
Reputation: 9262

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Thetruthhurtz View Post
I've read, almost through this entire post, and I have to say: You both need to take a step back and think about this. Truth: You've mentioned that for the past couple of MONTHS he hasn't been abusive, but has been 'venting' at your daughter. This can be seen as a sign of reform, a willingness to change. You've stuck around for 20 years. It's hard to leave someone who has been so abusive, and yet your original poste you actually sound gleeful. Not to mention the fact that you hadn't told him what was up, but he seemed like he could 'sense' it. You've implied that he was both mentally and physically abusive, but haven't given a direct example of which you've done any harm. No offence, but I feel as though I'm only getting one side of a very long story. Each person percieves things differently, and while his actions, in the wrong or not, COULD have been caused as a direct result of your own. (Not saying they are, but could be.)((Nor am I laying blame.))

As for most articles on the subject, alot are strongly biased towards men. Men are the more physical of the sexes, but this does not mean that a woman cannot directly effect what a man does, via subconscious patterns. In a typical relationship, both partners share parental duties, household quams are kept to a minimum, and they trust each other to take care of each other and the children. From my perspective of your relationship over the past 20 years, it would seem as though you have violent and loud arguements, that lead to physical violence.

While I feel for your situation as you described, I can't help but wonder if you have ever tried couples council. Or any other various forms of it. As you stated, for the past few months he's been on 'good behaviour' which is indicitive of change. However, if his fuming anger is as bad as you imply, then seeking help would be another option. Most people cast off those who use physical violence as an answer for thier problems, when the opposite is needed. I do not condone physical violence, however, I don't think you should be as 'gleeful' as you seem to be about this. It also seems quite counterintuative of you to with hold the information from him, and imply that you would be buying a house together, when that is indeed, not the case.

Seek help. Both of you.
Interesting. This poster appears to be from the UK (spells offence, behaviour). Isn't the OP British as well? He just joined today too.....

 
Old 04-03-2012, 01:48 PM
 
Location: Cumberland Co., TN
20,088 posts, read 20,571,510 times
Reputation: 20419
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thetruthhurtz View Post
I've read, almost through this entire post, and I have to say: You both need to take a step back and think about this. Truth: You've mentioned that for the past couple of MONTHS he hasn't been abusive, but has been 'venting' at your daughter. This can be seen as a sign of reform, a willingness to change. You've stuck around for 20 years. It's hard to leave someone who has been so abusive, and yet your original poste you actually sound gleeful. Not to mention the fact that you hadn't told him what was up, but he seemed like he could 'sense' it. You've implied that he was both mentally and physically abusive, but haven't given a direct example of which you've done any harm. No offence, but I feel as though I'm only getting one side of a very long story. Each person percieves things differently, and while his actions, in the wrong or not, COULD have been caused as a direct result of your own. (Not saying they are, but could be.)((Nor am I laying blame.))

As for most articles on the subject, alot are strongly biased towards men. Men are the more physical of the sexes, but this does not mean that a woman cannot directly effect what a man does, via subconscious patterns. In a typical relationship, both partners share parental duties, household quams are kept to a minimum, and they trust each other to take care of each other and the children. From my perspective of your relationship over the past 20 years, it would seem as though you have violent and loud arguements, that lead to physical violence.

While I feel for your situation as you described, I can't help but wonder if you have ever tried couples council. Or any other various forms of it. As you stated, for the past few months he's been on 'good behaviour' which is indicitive of change. However, if his fuming anger is as bad as you imply, then seeking help would be another option. Most people cast off those who use physical violence as an answer for thier problems, when the opposite is needed. I do not condone physical violence, however, I don't think you should be as 'gleeful' as you seem to be about this. It also seems quite counterintuative of you to with hold the information from him, and imply that you would be buying a house together, when that is indeed, not the case.

Seek help. Both of you.
I think the OP has been taking a step back for nearly 20 years.
A sign of reform, really? He redirects his verbal abuse from the wife to the daughter. If that is your idea of reform you are no more enlightened than this man. And you dont think verbal and emotional abuse isnt harmful. Would you feel better if he just beat the crap out of her?

Only you can control your actions. Only you are responsible for your actions. You actually speak as someone with BPD or NPD.

As for the OPs withholding the truth about her actions, its the only safe thing to do. I think she is being very generous with her sympathy towards her husband.
 
Old 04-03-2012, 02:17 PM
 
921 posts, read 1,702,834 times
Reputation: 2186
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thetruthhurtz View Post
I've read, almost through this entire post, and I have to say: You both need to take a step back and think about this. Truth: You've mentioned that for the past couple of MONTHS he hasn't been abusive, but has been 'venting' at your daughter. This can be seen as a sign of reform, a willingness to change. You've stuck around for 20 years. It's hard to leave someone who has been so abusive, and yet your original poste you actually sound gleeful. Not to mention the fact that you hadn't told him what was up, but he seemed like he could 'sense' it. You've implied that he was both mentally and physically abusive, but haven't given a direct example of which you've done any harm. No offence, but I feel as though I'm only getting one side of a very long story. Each person percieves things differently, and while his actions, in the wrong or not, COULD have been caused as a direct result of your own. (Not saying they are, but could be.)((Nor am I laying blame.))
That is a sign of change, just not a good one. It's called displacement; he can't "vent" at the OP, so he "vents" at a nearby, safe target. It shows that he can't manage his anger without hurting another person.

This isn't someone arguing over which season of Coronation Street was best. This is a violent person who doesn't want to lose his favorite punching bag.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thetruthhurtz View Post
As for most articles on the subject, alot are strongly biased towards men. Men are the more physical of the sexes, but this does not mean that a woman cannot directly effect what a man does, via subconscious patterns. In a typical relationship, both partners share parental duties, household quams are kept to a minimum, and they trust each other to take care of each other and the children. From my perspective of your relationship over the past 20 years, it would seem as though you have violent and loud arguements, that lead to physical violence.

While I feel for your situation as you described, I can't help but wonder if you have ever tried couples council. Or any other various forms of it. As you stated, for the past few months he's been on 'good behaviour' which is indicitive of change. However, if his fuming anger is as bad as you imply, then seeking help would be another option. Most people cast off those who use physical violence as an answer for thier problems, when the opposite is needed. I do not condone physical violence, however, I don't think you should be as 'gleeful' as you seem to be about this. It also seems quite counterintuative of you to with hold the information from him, and imply that you would be buying a house together, when that is indeed, not the case.

Seek help. Both of you.
Are you insane? It's not her job to save him. It *is* her job to save herself and her kids.

Yes, OP, seek help. A local moving company can provide one sort of help you need. The police can provide the other kind.
 
Old 04-03-2012, 06:34 PM
 
Location: In my skin
8,917 posts, read 13,877,282 times
Reputation: 8751
Quote:
Originally Posted by jennaflorrie View Post
There is so much more, but If it is ME. Well, he IS better off without me, finding someone else.
Logic. An alien concept for an abuser. I remember saying the same thing to a former partner. "If I am such a POS that I deserve this and caused this, why are you here? Surely, you can do better."

Quote:
My heart has been chipped away bit by bit by bit over the years....then last November there was NOTHING left.

I have been running on empty a long time. Last November the fuel ran out. Just like that.

I am so sorry it has to be like this. I really, really am. But I don't even like him anymore. I don't love him. I care about him I pity him. But that is all.
That is how it usually happens in these situations, you can only run on fumes for so long.

20 years is a long time, so it's normal for you to feel a wide variety of emotions. You did all you could. Walk away and start over. Don't go back. Just my 10 cents.
 
Old 04-04-2012, 09:59 AM
 
Location: southwest TN
8,182 posts, read 14,296,963 times
Reputation: 14787
OP, ignore those who don't understand abuse. Don't even try to reason with them, especially the young ones who are clueless. I stayed in an abusive marriage for 27 years. Within 2 days of our separation, I realized there was no love - on either of our part. There was deadness. Years of the roller coaster ride from being screamed at and put down, ignored, the make-up (God how I hated the after fight sex he always wanted - made me cringe), the quiet/peaceful times which meant me walking on eggs afraid of his next blow-up - watching him ball his hands into fists and wondering is this the time I get smacked in the face or is he just going to break more stuff. Living with migraines that magically disappeared with the divorce (I haven't had one in over 15 years).

Please just be safe. I do worry about the safety of you and the children. He's already shown that when he can't get to you, he will get to you through them. Keep all of you safe, be alert. The first weeks are the hardest.
 
Old 04-04-2012, 10:26 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,379,904 times
Reputation: 22274
Be careful, OP. Your husband may very well try to move into the new rental with you. I don't know the law in UK but it could be he has every legal right to do so, unless you have taken legal steps towards divorce.

I speak from experience dealing with an abusive spouse (prior marriage). I feel I know the type of person your husband is and I foresee him moving right in with you and getting the courts involved, if there is a way he can do that. Please, be very very careful and seek legal advice ASAP.

I hope you will update us soon. Praying for your safety and well-being . . .
 
Old 04-04-2012, 11:52 AM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
15,740 posts, read 22,828,293 times
Reputation: 17508
Quote:
Originally Posted by Huckleberry3911948 View Post
i dont get it i raise my voice its abuse and the cops show up. she screams throws things goes on spending debt binges for days but that is asserting her independence and expressing her feelings.
i dont get it.
Its called a dysfunctional relationship Huck. You'll never understand it.
 
Old 04-04-2012, 11:53 AM
 
Location: England
1,171 posts, read 2,189,471 times
Reputation: 1007
Last night in this house. Hubby has been very tearful and upset, which has upset me. He has cried and told me he loves me so much. That he knows its his fault. That he wishes he could change things. Really made my heart break. But I just told him that he needed space too. We both do. I tried to be as kind as I could be. If he is truly sorry and if he wants to change he will need to get counselling and so do I.

I don't know if I would ever live with him again. Its been so traumatic breaking away.

What a sad, sad day it has been.

But, I do need to be away from him and in my own space. He can't come into the rental house because its in my name. Just trying to keep things calm so that my children won't be too affected. Once I am away from him I will be able to see things more clearly.

Have had moments of doubt, but my heart brought me to this place. I KNEW I couldn't stay with him, or buy that house with him.....it wouldn't have been fair on me or him.

Time and space is needed. Hubby is working tonight. Tomorrow is moving day.

End of an era.
 
Old 04-04-2012, 11:59 AM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
15,740 posts, read 22,828,293 times
Reputation: 17508
Quote:
Originally Posted by jennaflorrie View Post
Last night in this house. Hubby has been very tearful and upset, which has upset me. He has cried and told me he loves me so much. That he knows its his fault. That he wishes he could change things. Really made my heart break. But I just told him that he needed space too. We both do. I tried to be as kind as I could be. If he is truly sorry and if he wants to change he will need to get counselling and so do I.
Does he really know its his fault? I'm sorry, Never, buy into the tears of an abuser.

Protect yourself and Best Wishes.
 
Old 04-04-2012, 12:08 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
15,740 posts, read 22,828,293 times
Reputation: 17508
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