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Old 04-17-2012, 09:56 AM
 
11,411 posts, read 12,680,887 times
Reputation: 12446

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Quote:
Originally Posted by jennaflorrie View Post
I know. My son wants his dad to come in and set up his X Box, watch a film....you are right, he is playing me like a violin, I will put some distance between us. Going to start counseling soon too, that will help reinforce my intentions. Underneath all the tears and contrition, he is still the same.
I am happy you made the move. It seems that he will use the kids to get in. One reason it will be harder if the children are still in the home. You will have to treat him as a parent picking up the children for the weekend. Keep him out!

Sadly, I think the flowers and tears will turn to violence. You have to be careful because it happens. They will try the nice approach but when it fails, which in your case seems to be working for him, it can turn violent.

Once you shut him out he will then know he will have to use harsher more drastic matters to get you back. He already threatened to take his life for you. Be careful.

 
Old 04-17-2012, 12:34 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 86,129,117 times
Reputation: 39670
Quote:
Originally Posted by NY Annie View Post
Jenna, I know you see the pattern, but you just can't figure out how to react differently than you have in the past. And that's the key - you are still reacting to him (he comes to your home), not setting up the situation so it is under your control.

As LM said above, do not let him into your home. Period, at all. Not past the front the door. Tell your children that that is the new rule. Dad stays outside. They can visit him at HIS home, but you two are not living together and you need to set boundaries. Dad can watch a film with his son at HIS home, not yours - or at the theater. Tell your son he may call his father for advice over the phone on how to set up the XBox, but otherwise, it's time he learned how.

Whenever your husband promises he's changed, tell him so have you.

Meet him at the local McDonald's to exchange children.

Jenna, you've done good: you did the work to find a new home, and you got yourself moved in. Now the REALLY hard work begins. It's time to learn who you are; and to learn new ways of behaving that are independent and self-enhancing. You CAN do it. It is not going to be easy. You have lots of folks here who've done what you are going through and we will be supportive of you - at the same time, we are not going to mollycoddle you and WILL call you out on behavior that is not helpful.

Hang in there, Chickie. It really does get easier in time. And you will look back on this time with pride in yourself that you made it. Every. single. step.
BINGO - HOME RUN - TOUCHDOWN -
 
Old 04-17-2012, 12:38 PM
 
Location: Wethersfield, CT
1,268 posts, read 3,640,138 times
Reputation: 886
My ex-husband was very manipulative with me and if I allow it, he will still try to be. We got married very young. We've been divorced for about 3 years now. I wish you the best of luck! I pretty much left him with the clothes on my back. I moved to a new city and had to start from scratch. I worked hard and was very determined though. The best of luck to you and your children!

It took a while, but with a little therapy and soul searching, I'm finally feeling like myself again. I'm finally doing things that make me happy and feel like that confident young woman I once was!
 
Old 04-17-2012, 04:33 PM
 
Location: Texas
391 posts, read 568,397 times
Reputation: 498
Quote:
Originally Posted by jennaflorrie View Post
Well, here I am in my rented house,at last! But hubby is still coming round...
Sounds like you have setup house somewhere else and so nothing will really
change here. Establish boundaries but don't deprive him access to the kids.
 
Old 04-17-2012, 10:28 PM
 
Location: Out West
20,693 posts, read 15,469,075 times
Reputation: 24244
Quote:
Originally Posted by NY Annie View Post
Jenna, I know you see the pattern, but you just can't figure out how to react differently than you have in the past. And that's the key - you are still reacting to him (he comes to your home), not setting up the situation so it is under your control.

As LM said above, do not let him into your home. Period, at all. Not past the front the door. Tell your children that that is the new rule. Dad stays outside. They can visit him at HIS home, but you two are not living together and you need to set boundaries. Dad can watch a film with his son at HIS home, not yours - or at the theater. Tell your son he may call his father for advice over the phone on how to set up the XBox, but otherwise, it's time he learned how.

Whenever your husband promises he's changed, tell him so have you.

Meet him at the local McDonald's to exchange children.

Jenna, you've done good: you did the work to find a new home, and you got yourself moved in. Now the REALLY hard work begins. It's time to learn who you are; and to learn new ways of behaving that are independent and self-enhancing. You CAN do it. It is not going to be easy. You have lots of folks here who've done what you are going through and we will be supportive of you - at the same time, we are not going to mollycoddle you and WILL call you out on behavior that is not helpful.

Hang in there, Chickie. It really does get easier in time. And you will look back on this time with pride in yourself that you made it. Every. single. step.
This is, by far, we're talking light years, the absolute BEST, most helpful post I have ever seen on City Data.

Those first two statements are EXACTLY what you need to know, Jenna. Everyone has been talking about the patterns, even you, Jenna, but no one has told you WHY you keep letting it happen. This person, NYAnnie, just told you why.

The second part I bolded is the best advice yet. My God this woman is brilliant, listen to her.
 
Old 04-17-2012, 11:15 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
15,727 posts, read 22,797,914 times
Reputation: 17490
Quote:
Originally Posted by jennaflorrie View Post
I know. My son wants his dad to come in and set up his X Box, watch a film....you are right, he is playing me like a violin, I will put some distance between us. Going to start counseling soon too, that will help reinforce my intentions. Underneath all the tears and contrition, he is still the same.
These situations are hard on the kids, understand his father will feed into that and possibly encourage it. So, he may seem genuine, but theres ulterior motives as well.

Tears, flowers and promises are all part their game, and trust me it is a game, though you'd like to believe it with all your heart, they're empty promises to keep from losing the power and controll in the relationship.

Abusers are completely predictable. I've made the mistakes myself to my regret. They don't have boundaries and hes aware of all your weaknesses. Counseling will definately be beneficial.
 
Old 04-18-2012, 11:26 AM
Status: "Even better than okay" (set 15 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
51,364 posts, read 50,627,712 times
Reputation: 60290
I agree with everyone else that NY Annie's post contains everything you need to know.

Just want to add--play Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" regularly.
 
Old 04-18-2012, 11:47 AM
 
Location: Mountains of Oregon
15,072 posts, read 17,055,431 times
Reputation: 10272
Quote:
Originally Posted by jennaflorrie View Post
I know. My son wants his dad to come in and set up his X Box, watch a film....you are right, he is playing me like a violin, I will put some distance between us. Going to start counseling soon too, that will help reinforce my intentions. Underneath all the tears and contrition, he is still the same.
You Tube & Google.com are your Friends, with the Xbox...



How to Setup an XBOX 360 - YouTube

Google..................XBOX INFO

Have a Beautiful Day.
 
Old 04-18-2012, 12:09 PM
 
Location: Kansas
19,189 posts, read 14,096,440 times
Reputation: 18141
Like the post showing how to hook up the X-Box. If you show you NEED him, that will only encourage him. I would not take the flowers and he would be meeting the kids at the door to take them to his house or out as he pleased. The more you encourage him at this point, the more difficult your situation will become when you try to stop him from setting up quarters in your new place. Of course he is going to say and do anything in order to maintain control and his parents will probably be right in there routing for him - where do you think he got his ideas about control? My husband went to a counselor and made a tape of the session which he played for me. He actually told the counselor he was thinking of leaving me (this would look better to others) and the counselor told him "It might be better if you stay because if you do to someone else what you did to her, you might end up in jail." Can you imagine? Well, we cleared up very quickly what would happen if it were done again. Learn about setting boundaries - that is a life saver!
 
Old 04-18-2012, 02:02 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
15,727 posts, read 22,797,914 times
Reputation: 17490
Quote:
Originally Posted by NY Annie View Post
Jenna, I know you see the pattern, but you just can't figure out how to react differently than you have in the past. And that's the key - you are still reacting to him (he comes to your home), not setting up the situation so it is under your control.

As LM said above, do not let him into your home. Period, at all. Not past the front the door. Tell your children that that is the new rule. Dad stays outside. They can visit him at HIS home, but you two are not living together and you need to set boundaries. Dad can watch a film with his son at HIS home, not yours - or at the theater. Tell your son he may call his father for advice over the phone on how to set up the XBox, but otherwise, it's time he learned how.

Whenever your husband promises he's changed, tell him so have you.

Meet him at the local McDonald's to exchange children.

Jenna, you've done good: you did the work to find a new home, and you got yourself moved in. Now the REALLY hard work begins. It's time to learn who you are; and to learn new ways of behaving that are independent and self-enhancing. You CAN do it. It is not going to be easy. You have lots of folks here who've done what you are going through and we will be supportive of you - at the same time, we are not going to mollycoddle you and WILL call you out on behavior that is not helpful.

Hang in there, Chickie. It really does get easier in time. And you will look back on this time with pride in yourself that you made it. Every. single. step.
You're right... At this point shes getting theres a pattern. This is such good advice in the next step, learning to react differently.

However, its not so much they don't have the ability to say no, feelings are involved. The heart and head may not be on the same page yet, and how mixed messages Loves Mountains mentioned play a part. The hearts not something you can turn off quickly, if it were an abusers attempts to manipulate and pull you back in would be meaningless.

Jenna, stay strong, you already know this is not love, no matter what your heart strings tell you.

Last edited by virgode; 04-18-2012 at 02:21 PM..
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