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Old 05-13-2012, 05:35 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 86,188,712 times
Reputation: 39684

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Quote:
Originally Posted by jennaflorrie View Post
He took my daughter and son out to get something to eat, they were squabbling a bit, he told my daughter, that she caused problems between him and me, he told her NOT to go telling her mum that he had told her off that it caused problems. He said she was half the problem. My daughter is not sure he has changed that much. He has been faultless with me. Sunshine and light. He tells me it is easy for him to stay calm, that he has a renewed faith, knows he must trust God. He has seen the light!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OK. Well, if that is true, time will surely tell.
What an ass - to blame his own child like that for his problems

Stick by your guns honey, do not let this man emotionally manipulate you in any way.

In fact, have no conversation with him unless you must communicate something about your kids.

Other than that, cut him off cold - don't speak to him.

 
Old 05-13-2012, 05:45 PM
 
Location: England
1,171 posts, read 2,189,185 times
Reputation: 1007
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
What an ass - to blame his own child like that for his problems

Stick by your guns honey, do not let this man emotionally manipulate you in any way.

In fact, have no conversation with him unless you must communicate something about your kids.

Other than that, cut him off cold - don't speak to him.

I wish. But, I have to speak to him. We are connected, like it or not...through our children. I am seriously thinking about drinnking half a bottle of that wine in the kitchen!!!! He is crawling through my veins and into my head.....he just will not let me go. I am his world for crying out loud...why....why can't he build his own world? Talking about Men in my last postings, on the other thread here, and all the positive about men.....but my husband is weak.......he drains the strenth I learnt from my wonderful father, out of me. I am feeling seriously fed up tonight.

I'll be OK.........
 
Old 05-13-2012, 05:46 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,519 posts, read 16,001,127 times
Reputation: 38985
Quote:
Originally Posted by Luv2byte View Post
Change isn't a one month process. Most alcoholics can stop drinking for a month but rarely make a year. Abuse is the same way, he can "change" while living apart a month but true change isn't proven for at least a year.
This is an excellent point. Although, thankfully, my husband wasn't abusive he is an alcoholic. When he was sober for a month or even six months (or even a couple of years) it seemed like it would be forever. But, then he would "fall off the wagon" and start drinking again and the cycle would repeat. I've been through dozens of cycles over the 35 years that we were married.

Don't think that your husband has changed because he was "great" for a month. He may have changed if he is "great" for a year or for a couple of years but he may still "fall off the wagon" and start the cycle of abuse again.

Don't fall into his trap. I agree with the others that you should make the child visitation transfer in a public place. Someone I knew did it in the lobby of our local police station. Trust me that the father never even considered being rude or drunk or belligerant to his ex-wife with a dozen armed police officers within ear-shot.

Keep us updated. There are many readers, who may not have commented, who still care about you and wish you well.
 
Old 05-13-2012, 05:48 PM
 
Location: England
1,171 posts, read 2,189,185 times
Reputation: 1007
OK thanks, will keep you updated.
 
Old 05-13-2012, 05:49 PM
 
9,415 posts, read 11,297,895 times
Reputation: 20187
Quote:
Originally Posted by jennaflorrie View Post
I wish. But, I have to speak to him. We are connected, like it or not...through our children. I am seriously thinking about drinnking half a bottle of that wine in the kitchen!!!! He is crawling through my veins and into my head.....he just will not let me go. I am his world for crying out loud...why....why can't he build his own world? Talking about Men in my last postings, on the other thread here, and all the positive about men.....but my husband is weak.......he drains the strenth I learnt from my wonderful father, out of me. I am feeling seriously fed up tonight.

I'll be OK.........
I'm sorry but you have brought much of this on yourself by allowing contact and open access. To put a stop to all of his manipulating crap you need to get a lawyer and set up those boundaries. You can communicate everything through a lawyer including everything related to your children.

You are still very caught up with his controlling ways and you can stop it by being a bit more proactive.
 
Old 05-13-2012, 05:53 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 86,188,712 times
Reputation: 39684
Quote:
Originally Posted by jennaflorrie View Post
I wish. But, I have to speak to him. We are connected, like it or not...through our children. I am seriously thinking about drinnking half a bottle of that wine in the kitchen!!!! He is crawling through my veins and into my head.....he just will not let me go. I am his world for crying out loud...why....why can't he build his own world? Talking about Men in my last postings, on the other thread here, and all the positive about men.....but my husband is weak.......he drains the strenth I learnt from my wonderful father, out of me. I am feeling seriously fed up tonight.

I'll be OK.........
jenna, this is just not so! You DO NOT have to speak to him as regularly as you are!

You have simply got to draw some firmer boundaries with him!
 
Old 05-13-2012, 05:54 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 86,188,712 times
Reputation: 39684
Quote:
Originally Posted by Djuna View Post
I'm sorry but you have brought much of this on yourself by allowing contact and open access. To put a stop to all of his manipulating crap you need to get a lawyer and set up those boundaries. You can communicate everything through a lawyer including everything related to your children.

You are still very caught up with his controlling ways and you can stop it by being a bit more proactive.
Amen, amen, amen!!!

They should be speaking through lawyers only in a situation like this.
 
Old 05-13-2012, 09:05 PM
Status: "Even better than okay" (set 20 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
51,464 posts, read 50,708,759 times
Reputation: 60440
Quote:
Originally Posted by jennaflorrie View Post
He took my daughter and son out to get something to eat, they were squabbling a bit, he told my daughter, that she caused problems between him and me, he told her NOT to go telling her mum that he had told her off that it caused problems. He said she was half the problem. My daughter is not sure he has changed that much. He has been faultless with me. Sunshine and light. He tells me it is easy for him to stay calm, that he has a renewed faith, knows he must trust God. He has seen the light!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OK. Well, if that is true, time will surely tell.
No, he hasn't seen any light, not if he's telling YOUR KID that she has caused your marital problems. My God.

He is playing the cards he think will work. Do not fall for this.

Bear in mind, please, that there are certain ways that people act and avenues they will try. Your husband is not "different" or "special" from all the others on the planet who are just like him. His behavior is predictable, and this is just one of the steps in the process. Bet you anything that if this "I found God" bit doesn't work, next he will be talking about suicide because he can't live without you.
 
Old 05-13-2012, 09:09 PM
 
270 posts, read 331,158 times
Reputation: 610
Sigh. Jenna, you are being stupid again. He is emotionally ABUSING your daughter. He is trying to manipulate her. He IS manipulating you. The fact that you say things like "time will tell" and "we'll see" tells me that you haven't grasped the severity of the situation. He will not change. You must get a lawyer and resolve to never let him back in your life in any way. Deal with him visiting the children through a lawyer. HE HAS NOT CHANGED. HE CANNOT CHANGE. Do not be fooled.
 
Old 05-13-2012, 10:37 PM
 
Location: Corydon, IN
3,685 posts, read 4,131,885 times
Reputation: 7506
Quote:
Originally Posted by jennaflorrie View Post
I wish. But, I have to speak to him. We are connected, like it or not...through our children. I am seriously thinking about drinnking half a bottle of that wine in the kitchen!!!! He is crawling through my veins and into my head.....he just will not let me go. I am his world for crying out loud...why....why can't he build his own world? Talking about Men in my last postings, on the other thread here, and all the positive about men.....but my husband is weak.......he drains the strenth I learnt from my wonderful father, out of me. I am feeling seriously fed up tonight.

I'll be OK.........


So long as you refuse to stand firm as an example, BE an example, your children will emulate NOT your strengths, but these exemplary moments of weakness. This will happen because THESE are the moments which stand out in our memories, NOT day-to-day strengths.

There's a little literary piece which I take very seriously to heart, from a science fiction novel but powerful nevertheless:

You are
What you do
When it counts.


You speak of this man crawling through your veins and into your head; that is the FEAR of CHANGE speaking, as well as the perfectly normal human aversion to those kinds of changes.

We, as a specie, tend to abhor change SO much, fear it so much, that we often will remain the same until the pain of remaining finally outweighs the pain of making that change.



You speak of yourself being this man's world. THIS ALONE should serve as a massive warning to you.

It is possible to love; it is possible to love deeply, and to give oneself over to that loving, ideal partnership SO deeply that one's world centers around another --

...but it is NOT possible to love so deeply that someone else IS your world, because that that point it is not LOVE, but DEPENDENCE. The "devotee" is so vacuous, so empty of all else, that they RELY on another to form them, shape them, provide "essence" for them.

One is devotion; the other a sickness, and the sick person cannot tell the difference.

Ergo, YOU have to.


So long as you are unwilling to draw the NECESSARY boundaries, YOU are the one putting your children at risk.

If you place your children in a room with a crazy person, that person cannot be held responsible; that falls on the person who put them in there.


This man just told your daughter that she was the responsible party for the difficulties between you two.

This means he hasn't faced his own responsibilities there; this means he is still placing all blame elsewhere, ANYWHERE convenient he can find.

He told her NOT TO TELL YOU -- if this isn't the kick in the seat of the emotional pants you need, NOTHING will be -- because although he KNEW this could not possibly be true he was willing to lay this at HER feet, risk HER in order to try and reach YOU.

There IS no larger warning flag than that. THERE IS NONE. And if it doesn't slap you upside the head and FORCE you to draw those boundaries, ENFORCE them, then you need to be questioning your worth as a mother.

I don't think you want to do that. I think you know better.


Time to wake right the hell on up and be strong, forceful, unwavering, determined and absolute.
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