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Old 05-14-2012, 12:12 AM
 
Location: England
1,168 posts, read 2,500,439 times
Reputation: 1009

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Urban Sasquatch View Post
So long as you refuse to stand firm as an example, BE an example, your children will emulate NOT your strengths, but these exemplary moments of weakness. This will happen because THESE are the moments which stand out in our memories, NOT day-to-day strengths.

There's a little literary piece which I take very seriously to heart, from a science fiction novel but powerful nevertheless:

You are
What you do
When it counts.


You speak of this man crawling through your veins and into your head; that is the FEAR of CHANGE speaking, as well as the perfectly normal human aversion to those kinds of changes.

We, as a specie, tend to abhor change SO much, fear it so much, that we often will remain the same until the pain of remaining finally outweighs the pain of making that change.



You speak of yourself being this man's world. THIS ALONE should serve as a massive warning to you.

It is possible to love; it is possible to love deeply, and to give oneself over to that loving, ideal partnership SO deeply that one's world centers around another --

...but it is NOT possible to love so deeply that someone else IS your world, because that that point it is not LOVE, but DEPENDENCE. The "devotee" is so vacuous, so empty of all else, that they RELY on another to form them, shape them, provide "essence" for them.

One is devotion; the other a sickness, and the sick person cannot tell the difference.

Ergo, YOU have to.


So long as you are unwilling to draw the NECESSARY boundaries, YOU are the one putting your children at risk.

If you place your children in a room with a crazy person, that person cannot be held responsible; that falls on the person who put them in there.


This man just told your daughter that she was the responsible party for the difficulties between you two.

This means he hasn't faced his own responsibilities there; this means he is still placing all blame elsewhere, ANYWHERE convenient he can find.

He told her NOT TO TELL YOU -- if this isn't the kick in the seat of the emotional pants you need, NOTHING will be -- because although he KNEW this could not possibly be true he was willing to lay this at HER feet, risk HER in order to try and reach YOU.

There IS no larger warning flag than that. THERE IS NONE. And if it doesn't slap you upside the head and FORCE you to draw those boundaries, ENFORCE them, then you need to be questioning your worth as a mother.

I don't think you want to do that. I think you know better.


Time to wake right the hell on up and be strong, forceful, unwavering, determined and absolute.

Bloody hell you shook me up!!!!!

I have something else to tell you, will private message you, later...busy right now.............

 
Old 05-14-2012, 12:45 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
16,077 posts, read 28,499,902 times
Reputation: 18189
Quote:
Originally Posted by jennaflorrie View Post
He took my daughter and son out to get something to eat, they were squabbling a bit, he told my daughter, that she caused problems between him and me, he told her NOT to go telling her mum that he had told her off that it caused problems. He said she was half the problem. My daughter is not sure he has changed that much. He has been faultless with me. Sunshine and light. He tells me it is easy for him to stay calm, that he has a renewed faith, knows he must trust God. He has seen the light!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OK. Well, if that is true, time will surely tell.
Keep quit so I can bluff mom. Shes on the right track, dad hasn't changed.

Renewed faith my arse. His bottled up frustration, emotional & verbal abuse and blame has just been transfered from you to your daughter.

Hes continuing to follow the profile classic of abusers, and why they isolate their partners. Outside opinions and influence is a no-no.

Shes a college aged girl with opinions of her own he'd like to stifle.

Actually, shes old enough to make the decision not to see him.

.....Wait a minute......whose paying for college??

Last edited by virgode; 05-14-2012 at 01:19 PM..
 
Old 05-14-2012, 01:31 PM
 
Location: southwest TN
8,568 posts, read 18,070,811 times
Reputation: 16702
Jenna,

So many of us telling you the exact same thing - those of us with experience with abusive ex-husbands - has to get through to you somehow, some way.

He is now abusing your daughter.

STOP. ALL. CONTACT. WITH. HIM.............except through a lawyer.

If he is in your head and you are feeling like doing something to withdraw, it's a sign, a signal, that you MUST disconnect from him. You moved out of the house, that's all you did. in another month, he'll be moving in with you UNLESS YOU CHANGE the communication.

YOU must do it. HE is NOT changing.

This is the same scenario from which you've tried to escape. But you didn't escape, you didn't change how you relate to him. He is wearing his nice mask for you - and not for your daughter.

Blaming her is like the alcoholic who blames the world for drinking. Somehow everyone else is to blame for bending the elbow and swallowing. THINK ABOUT THAT.

Jenna, you need to start listening to those of us with experience and education in this field. STOP talking to him. Do it through a 3rd party.
 
Old 05-18-2012, 09:15 AM
 
568 posts, read 960,254 times
Reputation: 1261
This is the classic example of women who want to separate but just cant do it...no matter what even at the expense of their children. I bet he is already back in the bed. Some women are strong and some are not. The cycle just keeps going around and around. Very sad.
 
Old 05-18-2012, 03:59 PM
 
Location: Mayacama Mtns in CA
14,520 posts, read 8,748,404 times
Reputation: 11356
Quote:
Originally Posted by pooterposh View Post
This is the classic example of women who want to separate but just cant do it...no matter what even at the expense of their children. I bet he is already back in the bed. Some women are strong and some are not. The cycle just keeps going around and around. Very sad.

I wouldn't be too quick to make a judgement in this case. I think we should all be showing compassion and optimism for a good outcome. I think if one can't give Jenna support and encouragement, then one shouldn't be making comments on this thread.

We don't know what it has been like for her, we haven't walked in her shoes. I've walked in similar shoes however, and know it takes a tremendous effort. A miracle, really.
 
Old 05-18-2012, 06:23 PM
 
14,376 posts, read 18,322,103 times
Reputation: 43047
@Jenna, do you know how I know your husband is evil? Because he's tried to turn your own child into the scapegoat for the ruin of her parents' relationship. NO ONE who had any kind of soul would do that.

My father is a diagnosed narcissist and one of the most self-centered people I know. He was an awful (though not abusive) husband to my mother. But he would PUT OUT HIS OWN EYES before he ever tried to lay blame for any of his actions at my feet.

He has physically, mentally and verbally abused you and he has started to do the same to your daughter. And your son will learn that this is the acceptable way to treat the women in his life. You must stay away from this man for the sake of your children - the more you let him in, the more you blight their lives. Think of that when he comes to your door.
 
Old 06-05-2012, 07:21 PM
 
Location: North NJ by way of Brooklyn, NY
2,628 posts, read 4,601,507 times
Reputation: 3559
I have been gone from the forums for a month and was originally following your story. I was curious what has happened since the last posting. I can only hope and pray for you and the sake of your children that you have completely cut this man off. As others have said, he has simply transferred his aggressions from you to your daughter, nothing more. Nothing has changed, no real God fearing revelations, just a smoke screen.

I hope you find the strength to fully and completely follow through on your original intentions of getting away from him completely. I realize he is still the father of your children, but real fathers do not blame their children for their marriage failing. Contact a lawyer, and do not permit him to contact you unless it is through that avenue.
 
Old 09-05-2012, 09:56 AM
 
568 posts, read 960,254 times
Reputation: 1261
From reading Jennaflorrie's post under "Christianity" looks like she is battling the demon.
 
Old 09-05-2012, 03:03 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,495,521 times
Reputation: 40198
Quote:
Originally Posted by pooterposh View Post
From reading Jennaflorrie's post under "Christianity" looks like she is battling the demon.
Dang, so she didn't leave him after all - I had a feeling!

Temptation for the Christian...what would YOU do?
 
Old 09-05-2012, 03:20 PM
 
Location: England
1,168 posts, read 2,500,439 times
Reputation: 1009
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
Dang, so she didn't leave him after all - I had a feeling!

Temptation for the Christian...what would YOU do?
I did leave him.....for months. But hubby changed, genuinely. Of course, I had a battle because of falling for the other guy and being a christian.......I love you all for your advice..I took it, I left him....it really,, really shook hm up and made him TAKE ACTION! He has been good as gold for months now....he is doing all he can to make me happy. Just this othe guy now, to get out of my system!
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