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The other day I was chatting with my mom about my aunts and we were talking about long term relationships. My parents are heading into their 38th year of marriage and my dad is know colloquially as the only man that stuck around on that side if the family.
My mom has 6 sisters. 4 of her sisters and 2 of her nieces were involved in physically and or emotionally abusive relationships. I don't know much about the many of the relationships since most of them happened long before I was born.
Some of the abusers are still around in the family: one because he is the father of my cousins. He is still around and he dies talk to his kids and apologized and has tried to maintain a civil relationship with my aunt almost 40 years after the divorce.
Another one because my aunt stayed married to her emotionally abusive husband for around 20 years before seeking divorce. He is still around because he has custody of my cousins.
All of these relationships had an ugly ending. The women on my mom's side are firecrackers. One of my aunts had her husband at the time threaten to kill her, she grabbed a rifle and pointed it at him prepared to shoot until he left for good. Another relationship ended with a serious physical confrontation and he left with bruises as well.
My other aunt suffered through a bitter divorce and custody battle where her kids disowned her because they were brainwashed by dad.
I never noticed but there was a pattern on my mom's side of getting seriously involved young as a way to escape their poor rural upbringing.
So I wonder. Have you been in an abusive relationship. And why did you leave?
The other day I was chatting with my mom about my aunts and we were talking about long term relationships. My parents are heading into their 38th year of marriage and my dad is know colloquially as the only man that stuck around on that side if the family.
My mom has 6 sisters. 4 of her sisters and 2 of her nieces were involved in physically and or emotionally abusive relationships. I don't know much about the many of the relationships since most of them happened long before I was born.
Some of the abusers are still around in the family: one because he is the father of my cousins. He is still around and he dies talk to his kids and apologized and has tried to maintain a civil relationship with my aunt almost 40 years after the divorce.
Another one because my aunt stayed married to her emotionally abusive husband for around 20 years before seeking divorce. He is still around because he has custody of my cousins.
All of these relationships had an ugly ending. The women on my mom's side are firecrackers. One of my aunts had her husband at the time threaten to kill her, she grabbed a rifle and pointed it at him prepared to shoot until he left for good. Another relationship ended with a serious physical confrontation and he left with bruises as well.
My other aunt suffered through a bitter divorce and custody battle where her kids disowned her because they were brainwashed by dad.
I never noticed but there was a pattern on my mom's side of getting seriously involved young as a way to escape their poor rural upbringing.
So I wonder. Have you been in an abusive relationship. And why did you leave?
No, never.
The first time a man ever laid a hand on me, or used his words to bully me, would have been the last time he ever saw me.
As you have discovered, woman who tolerate abuse are often part of a larger family "pattern" or dynamic. It can be a horrible cycle they pass on to their own children. I'm glad your mom choose a healthier life for herself (and for you) than her siblings did.
My relatives moved on to healthier relationships for the most part. . Most if this stuff happened before i was born, i only heard the stories later One aunt took awhile to move out and now she is enjoying the single life and her first apartment ever in her 50s!
I was. It was more emotionally/mentally abusive than physical, although there were physical moments, too. However, I'm over six feet tall, so I wasn't some delicate flower who couldn't fight back. My ex was bigger than me, but by the time it came to the end, I was terrified that I was going to snap one day and kill HIM. I could see myself getting to the end of my rope. It was the emotional abuse. If I said the sky was blue, I was an idiot, because it was green. If he was out driving and got a flat tire, it was my fault because I must have run over a bottle and didn't tell him and I got screamed at for something that never happened. I swear on a stack of holy books: I made salad dressing, the Good Seasons kind, Italian. He didn't like it because it wasn't zesty enough. Next time I bought the Zesty type--and of course, I got screamed at, because the salad dressing was too zesty. If he got a stomach flu, it was my fault--I must have fed him something bad. When I went to the supermarket, he was waiting on the front porch demanding to know who my boyfriend was that I must have surely stopped off to see because I took so long, even though I was carrying bags of groceries. "Yes, dear, I met my boyfriend and we went shopping to get snacks for you." (Finally one day I handed him the receipt and told him to go buy everything I just bought and see how long it took.)
He'd wake me up in the middle of the night when he got home from the bar demanding to know why the phone bill had come but he had not seen it. (It came that day and he hadn't been home yet, that's why--but the point was moot because he didn't pay any bills and rarely donated money to the household expenses so why would he even care???). He'd also wake me up and badger me to "confess" to all the affairs I'd been having, assuring me he'd forgive me--he just wanted me to confess that I did it. Meanwhile, I'm working full-time, raising a daughter, trying to pay all the bills, never getting enough sleep--yeah, I really wanted another man in my life. @@ Or had time for one.
Finally came the day he said the absolute worst words he could have ever uttered if he wanted to continue to enjoy his status as lazy, sponging, abusive husband: Pointing at our daughter, he said, "I will take that f***ing kid and disappear and you will never see her again." And with that statement, there was no choice left but to call the boys in blue to come and usher him out of the house. Temporary restraining order, final restraining order, divorce.
Anyway, I could write a book, but I got rid of him and trotted off to get therapy to find out what the hell was wrong with ME for putting up with this crap for so long. For those wondering how I ended up with this jerk in the first place--when I met him in our twenties, he wasn't that bad. He was funny, had a good job, and told me terrible stories of his abusive, alcoholic father whom he found dead one day (at the age of 47) when he was a teenager. I had no idea that this man's lifelong ambition would be to BECOME his father--I wasn't raised in an alkie home, so I naively thought that this man would want to be the opposite of his dad. I can even pinpoint the time he began to change and move toward becoming his father--as soon as I found out I was pregnant. It just got worse from there on in.
Last edited by Mightyqueen801; 03-31-2012 at 10:07 AM..
I was. It was more emotionally/mentally abusive than physical, although there were physical moments, too. However, I'm over six feet tall, so I wasn't some delicate flower who couldn't fight back. My ex was bigger than me, but by the time it came to the end, I was terrified that I was going to snap one day and kill HIM. I could see myself getting to the end of my rope. It was the emotional abuse. If I said the sky was blue, I was an idiot, because it was green. If he was out driving and got a flat tire, it was my fault because I must have run over a bottle and didn't tell him and I got screamed at for something that never happened. I swear on a stack of holy books: I made salad dressing, the Good Seasons kind, Italian. He didn't like it because it wasn't zesty enough. Next time I bought the Zesty type--and of course, I got screamed at, because the salad dressing was too zesty. If he got a stomach flu, it was my fault--I must have fed him something bad. When I went to the supermarket, he was waiting on the front porch demanding to know who my boyfriend was that I must have surely stopped off to see because I took so long, even though I was carrying bags of groceries. "Yes, dear, I met my boyfriend and we went shopping to get snacks for you." (Finally one day I handed him the receipt and told him to go buy everything I just bought and see how long it took.)
He'd wake me up in the middle of the night when he got home from the bar demanding to know why the phone bill had come but he had not seen it. (It came that day and he hadn't been home yet, that's why--but the point was moot because he didn't pay any bills and rarely donated money to the household expenses so why would he even care???). He'd also wake me up and badger me to "confess" to all the affairs I'd been having, assuring me he'd forgive me--he just wanted me to confess that I did it. Meanwhile, I'm working full-time, raising a daughter, trying to pay all the bills, never getting enough sleep--yeah, I really wanted another man in my life. @@ Or had time for one.
Finally came the day he said the absolute worst words he could have ever uttered if he wanted to continue to enjoy his status as lazy, sponging, abusive husband: Pointing at our daughter, he said, "I will take that f***ing kid and disappear and you will never see her again." And with that statement, there was no choice left but to call the boys in blue to come and usher him out of the house. Temporary restraining order, final restraining order, divorce.
Anyway, I could write a book, but I got rid of him and trotted off to get therapy to find out what the hell was wrong with ME for putting up with this crap for so long. For those wondering how I ended up with this jerk in the first place--when I met him in our twenties, he wasn't that bad. He was funny, had a good job, and told me terrible stories of his abusive, alcoholic father whom he found dead one day (at the age of 47) when he was a teenager. I had no idea that this man's lifelong ambition would be to BECOME his father--I wasn't raised in an alkie home, so I naively thought that this man would want to be the opposite of his dad. I can even pinpoint the time he began to change and move toward becoming his father--as soon as I found out I was pregnant. It just got worse from there on in.
I once volunteered at a domestic violence shelter for women and it was shocking to find out that a lot of women are abused when they are pregnant. There is something about pregnancy that triggers some really vile behavior from some men. Statistics vary, but this is very common.
I feel really bad that you had to go through what you did. Your ex sounds like someone with paranoia and abandonment issues. I am glad you are out of there. It could have been a lot worse.
I once volunteered at a domestic violence shelter for women and it was shocking to find out that a lot of women are abused when they are pregnant. There is something about pregnancy that triggers some really vile behavior from some men. Statistics vary, but this is very common.
I feel really bad that you had to go through what you did. Your ex sounds like someone with paranoia and abandonment issues. I am glad you are out of there. It could have been a lot worse.
Thanks. It's been a number of years--I threw him out in 1999, divorced him in 2001. We are fairly civil now when we have to be due to our daughter, who is now in college--and he did have to go through a program in order to have visitation with her back then. I still have moments of elation when I am SO happy I am not married to him anymore!
Interesting about the statistics about pregnancy. Mine wasn't physically abusive during my pregnancy, just mean, and he kicked his drinking into high gear at that time, but I know a woman whose husband threw her across the room and into their stereo when she was seven months pregnant, and then punched her in the face because "she broke the stereo".
I am much more fortunate than some others because as I pointed out, physically I am taller and stronger than most women; I had a decent job (which now I know was probably the reason he was attracted to me in the first place); and I had good family support.
No, never. My father was sometimes emotionally abusive to me (never struck me), and that was enough to last a lifetime.
I've never understood why anyone of either sex stays in a relationship if there is any physical abuse. The moment any man even attempted to strike me, I would kick him as hard as I could in the balls and walk out of there, never to return.
Once and only once. Sad to say it was my first boyfriend. We were together from the time I was 15 till I was 19.He was my first love, first boyfriend uhh first everything really. Anyways started small calling me names and progressed to hitting me, giving me a black eye, making me late for curfew at 16 so I got in trouble with my mom because I had pissed him off earlier that day. He had issues with depression and threatened suicide often and had issues from a abusive step father.Didnt help that I had smart mouth so when he said " Youll never find anyone who loves you as much as I do" I came back with " Really you hit me so how much is that" or when he called me the b word and other assorted adectives that I said" Your just gonna end up like your parents on food stamps and always angry" Anyways I woke up and realized I couldnt do this anymore when he started talking marriage and my brain fast forward to the next few years. Thankfully to a good friend of mine I broke up with him two days before Valentines day when I was 19. Im proud to say no man has raised a hand at me since or been verbally abusive to me and Im 36 now...
No, never. My father was sometimes emotionally abusive to me (never struck me), and that was enough to last a lifetime.
I've never understood why anyone of either sex stays in a relationship if there is any physical abuse. The moment any man even attempted to strike me, I would kick him as hard as I could in the balls and walk out of there, never to return.
Sometimes it's religious upbringing. The whole "forgive 70 X 7", "turn the other cheek", be a martyr, keep taking it, you'll get your reward in heaven if you let yourself be treated like **** now...
It's ingrained into some of us from birth to the point where you don't even know that there is another way to be.
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. Most if this stuff happened before i was born, i only heard the stories later One aunt took awhile to move out and now she is enjoying the single life and her first apartment ever in her 50s!
