Time for divorce?

[convextech]

What you are describing to me sounds like an abuser coming out of hiding.

They are all sweet at first to lure you into their web, and then slowly but surely they tangle you in their web. Before you know it, you're tied up, alone, with no way to get out.

Originally Posted by Suzy10

He has changed in a lot of ways. The difficult thing is that he is different day by day. For example, his self confidence has all but disappeared (major changes with his career and family) and some days he needs me to supply mass quantities of ego boosting praise for everything just to keep him from being miserable. Other days he becomes mean and rude and will spend the entire day picking at me for everything.

This is him beating you down and trying to take away your self-esteem.

Originally Posted by Suzy10

Whenever I try to have a serious talk with him about my thoughts/feelings/needs it just gets out of hand. He is either crying and berating himself or spewing venom at me and telling me how terrible I am.

This is him trying to make you feel guilty for "what you are doing to him".

Originally Posted by Suzy10

He has a terrible outlook on everything when he was the most positive happy person I had ever met. Everyday it is the negative he sees, everywhere we go he points it out. Restaurants, he has to tell me every tiny thing wrong in the place and with his food like he is a critic. He does the same thing with places we go for recreation (movies, golfing, etc). It makes the activities not fun anymore.

This is him making it "your idea" to stop going out in public.

Originally Posted by Suzy10

He has dropped every friend in his life except me, his family is terrible (mental abuse), he doesn't like his coworkers. It's difficult to get him to not be openly miserable when we are somewhere (picnic, dinner, etc) so we basically stopped doing things with people.

This is him isolating you from your support system.

Originally Posted by Suzy10

He's clingy in that he needs a lot of human interaction daily (doesn't need to be romantic) and with getting rid of everyone else he relies solely on me for that.

This is him becoming your "captor" and you the "victim".

Originally Posted by Suzy10

We are supposed to compromise by me making sure that I spend a certain amount of time focused on him and doing what he wants, in return I am supposed to be able to have some blocks of time for myself to read or take a bath, what I want. Well, he gets his stuff, and when it's my time...he is popping in every 10-15 minutes to tell me things about his video game or sports, things that aren't necessary for interruption. If I say something like "That's good, but since this is my time can you wait to tell me anymore until I am done, I really like to be able to focus and get lost in my book" he gets all "Sorry for bothering you, I'm just your husband and I guess I should request a meeting before trying to talk to you"

This is him keeping an eye on you in case you have figured out what he is up to.

Originally Posted by Suzy10

He has dropped every responsibility he had and so now I have to handle it all so we don't lose everything; finances, household, vehicles, primary bread winner, you name it I do it.

This is him making you his slave while he is the master.

Originally Posted by Suzy10

I would be fine without him, but know he wouldn't without me.

Oh yes he would!

Girl, if I were you, I would not walk, but run from this marriage. Start packing today, get in your car, and go somewhere you will be safe, then file for divorce, before his abuse escalates into physical violence. It only gets worse.

[convextech]

Oh snap! Got snagged by an old post!

[LS Jaun]

Originally Posted by convextech

Oh snap! Got snagged by an old post!

The OP was a long gone 3 poster, but the thread still has merit.

For me personally, as a logical person, I would say life long marriage makes no sense in all but a few couples. I just don't see any couples out there that I feel have it better than me. But Societies influence says we all should want it. In an ideal world I would say yes, but we don't live in an ideal world.

[Atlguy39]

Originally Posted by Suzy10

I am standing on the cliff of my marriage and wondering...do I stay or do I go. There is no infidelity/abuse or anything like that, which is making this decision harder. We've been together 5 years, married 3. I feel we used to have a good amount of "opposite" qualities that balanced us out, but over the last 2 years we have become complete opposites. I have no energy left when it comes to him, and just feel like I don't know which way is up while wading through the daily drama that is our marriage. I just want it all to stop, to be able to come home from work and relax, to not have someone hanging around my neck every moment of every day. We have been in counseling for 6 months, and I don't see much difference, if any. Is there anyone out there who was in a similar marriage that did not have abuse etc? Any advice would be much appreciated.

I didn't get to vote, but I say NO WAY JOSE. The grass is always greener on the other side. I say continue the counseling and maybe find a different counselor. Talk to people you know who have been happily married for 10+ years and ask them questions. You need to find role models for marriage. My marriage ended for similar reasons and I'm miserable. That was 4 years ago. I didn't initiate the divorce, and in my mind, there was no good reason for it. I hope my ex-wife regrets that decision. We could have had a family, and now she likely isn't going to have that chance because of her age. She left when times got tough. People are so quick to give up these days. I'm more old fashioned and believe in working on things. I say work harder, both of you.

[srjth]

Originally Posted by Suzy10

Wow, this is all great guys, so let me just say thank you right now before I start rambling.

Ok, to get some of the questions answered:
No children involved

He has changed in a lot of ways. The difficult thing is that he is different day by day. For example, his self confidence has all but disappeared (major changes with his career and family) and some days he needs me to supply mass quantities of ego boosting praise for everything just to keep him from being miserable. Other days he becomes mean and rude and will spend the entire day picking at me for everything. Our first counselor said this was him trying to make himself feel better by making me look worse.

Whenever I try to have a serious talk with him about my thoughts/feelings/needs it just gets out of hand. He is either crying and berating himself or spewing venom at me and telling me how terrible I am.

He has a terrible outlook on everything when he was the most positive happy person I had ever met. Everyday it is the negative he sees, everywhere we go he points it out. Restaurants, he has to tell me every tiny thing wrong in the place and with his food like he is a critic. He does the same thing with places we go for recreation (movies, golfing, etc). It makes the activities not fun anymore. I can't always defuse it the same way. Sometimes just me focusing on the positives works, sometimes humor, sometimes truth (calmly, not harsh) of how he's seeing only negative, sometimes nothing.

He has dropped every friend in his life except me, his family is terrible (mental abuse), he doesn't like his coworkers. It's difficult to get him to not be openly miserable when we are somewhere (picnic, dinner, etc) so we basically stopped doing things with people.
He's clingy in that he needs a lot of human interaction daily (doesn't need to be romantic) and with getting rid of everyone else he relies solely on me for that. I am not that type of person and likely never will be. We are supposed to compromise by me making sure that I spend a certain amount of time focused on him and doing what he wants, in return I am supposed to be able to have some blocks of time for myself to read or take a bath, what I want. Well, he gets his stuff, and when it's my time...he is popping in every 10-15 minutes to tell me things about his video game or sports, things that aren't necessary for interruption. If I say something like "That's good, but since this is my time can you wait to tell me anymore until I am done, I really like to be able to focus and get lost in my book" he gets all "Sorry for bothering you, I'm just your husband and I guess I should request a meeting before trying to talk to you" and things like that. He can't recognize ALL the time we spend together, just the 2 times a week I am supposed to be able to sit back and relax doing whatever I want.

He has dropped every responsibility he had and so now I have to handle it all so we don't lose everything; finances, household, vehicles, primary bread winner, you name it I do it. That is a lot of stress for me and when we try to give him something even like taking the trash out I end up with 8 bags of trash sitting in my kitchen before I can't take it and have to get it out. I can't rely on him for anything anymore, and I don't want to be his mom, I want a partner in all this.

I do care about him and want him to be happy, but I want me to be happy too. I would be fine without him, but know he wouldn't without me. I would have no issue with him finding another person if we were to split.

There's plenty more, but I think this is a start to help you get a clearer picture of where I am and I'd better get back to work.

Another old thread, but after reading this, I would stay and not divorce. He sounds depressed. If you stick with him and he comes out of this (he will have to whether he's with you, alone or with someone else) I'm sure he will be grateful. Continue the counseling.