Dating a Busy Guy - How busy is too busy? (girlfriend, how to)
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As a teen I went out with this guy over a decade ago, just once. Great time, no hard feelings, nothing came of it. Just over a month ago we found each other online and began talking, and made plans to catch up over dinner. Six hours into dinner, there were definitely sparks, and we hadn't stopped talking.
We've been dating for just over a month now. Both of us keep very busy schedules - I work/commute 13 hrs a day, and he works 3 jobs, and gigs/teaches on the weekends. This was clear from the beginning. Both of us admitted also to have came out of relationships where we got "lost" in the other person, in spending so much time with them.
We currently see each other about once a week, and we talk/text about 4-5 days out of the week. While we take turns making the invites, sometimes it is frustrating - weekdays he works 12 hr days until 9:00 pm (he works 7 days a week), so his other activities (gym, etc) are strictly scheduled, and I have to be up at 5:30 am weekdays. While I don't like feeling "penciled in" sometimes, I understand where he is coming from, as by Sunday my following week is usually 90% full, too, so I don't want to be too harsh on him for it, either. We talked about our busy-ness - he warned me at the beginning of the month this one was going to be a doozy. He said sometimes he feels bad because he doesn't want to say no when it comes to plans but doesn't want to say yes and then disappoint. For example, I am having an art exhibit shortly. When he couldn't find the time for unrelated plans we tentatively had this week, he then offered his availability for the entire following week to help me when I needed it for installing my show. Which of course made me feel great that he was going out to of his way to help me, AND plan in advance; at the same time iI'm disappointed that he can't set in stone time to see me before then.
He's admitted that he had a huge crush on me when we were younger, and was giddy when we finally met up. I think one of the most prominent things he sai was "You like me. I can't believe I could've been doing this for ten years!" He verbally extended an open invitation to text/call him any time, and a welcome to any and every gig. He's introduced me to his friends/bandmates, and they've reached out to me warmly. He's met my family, and was cool with it. He's been respectful and nice to my friends, and every time someone posts a photo of us online, he texts me to compliment. He's given me a toothbrush to have at his place, so based on all that I don't get the impression that there is anyone else in the picture.
I guess I'm trying to ask you guys for is, when is it clear that a guy is just busy, and when is it too busy to be worth my time? Specifically I'm looking for someone I can see maybe twice a week, with enough consistent communication to know that he is thinking of me otherwise. Of course I want a relationship that's fun and adventurous, but also meaningful and quality, and I feel like if we can't make some allowances to invest more time, even in small increments, it wouldn't allow for growth. Am I thinking too far ahead? What's the best way to go about this?
First of all, may I ask your ages or an age range? The reason I ask is . . . do you foresee yourselves both as tied up with career demands in the years ahead? For example, the weekend gigs for him . . . will that be something that he continues "forever?"
It would be a shame to exit the relationship prematurely if the chances are good that schedules will be a bit more flexible in the future. It sounds like you all have managed to squeeze in a lot of great experiences and introductions to the "important people" in each of your lives, even if you have only been seeing one another for a month. So it sounds like he is sincere about the time constraints and he surely is not trying to "hide" the relationship from anyone . . . If you are feeling great about his company and that there could be the possibility for a deeper commitment in the future, I would personally row with the flow for now and see how things transpire with schedules in the future.
I have noticed that people who are truly interested in a longterm commitment figure out ways to make the time for each other once the relationship is solidified. A month is not a long time! Give it six months and see where things are at that point.
Good luck - he sounds like a really interesting guy!
Thanks for the quick reply! I'm 28, and he's 30. While my work schedule is heavy, it's very consistent, so could be simple to work around with some compromise. And while the weekend gigs are going to be a part of his career for the foreseeable future, they ebb and flow, with some periods of off time. And I do not mind attending them (the ones have gone to, unless he was actually playing, he has made a point to give me the focus of his attention), if they are fairly balanced by some private time at another time.
Him making me public in his life, even though I don't see him as often as I would like at this moment, is what I keep telling myself (and I hope!) is key to what he's thinking - that this has some potential. I'm so used to dating guys who were very all-consuming, for lack of a better word, that I'm not quite sure how to approach this!
You know he keeps a tight schedule, you've only been dating a month.
Take pleasure in the getting-to-know you phase, you know how busy he is he's detailed everything for you, apparently he's got a total open door policy with you. Gave you a toothbrush? Why do you suspect that he's not being sincere. Sounds like your self esteem needs help.
If you become too clingy and demanding and show him you're insecure you're going to lose him. If he's a musician or works "in the industry" the last thing he needs is a jealous and needy girlfriend not trusting him when he's out and you're not with him.
Sounds pretty perfect to me. You get the guy and a life too. Enjoy it and don't try to force the issue. Take what he has to offer and go one step at a time. One month into a healthy relationship, you shouldn't be each other's everything.
Thanks! Like I had previously said, both of us had experience with significant others that demanded a lot of time, in my experience it was unfortunately at a reduction of my own life. While I am happy that I can currently keep my own life, too, I'm almost not used to the freedom due to my past experiences. I'm just trying to keep my anxieties from previous relationships separate and understand what's healthy and normal for dating when we have so many other obligations, and what is logical/fair for me to want/need when we've only been dating a short time.
Thanks! Like I had previously said, both of us had experience with significant others that demanded a lot of time, in my experience it was unfortunately at a reduction of my own life. While I am happy that I can currently keep my own life, too, I'm almost not used to the freedom due to my past experiences. I'm just trying to keep my anxieties from previous relationships separate and understand what's healthy and normal for dating when we have so many other obligations, and what is logical/fair for me to want/need when we've only been dating a short time.
The RED FLAG people are the ones who have no life who want to be in yours 24x7. Right away. Promise. Keep your own life and do your own things. See your friends and keep your activities. When you both have time, great. When you don't that's OK too. You have other things to do.
Sounds like you are dating a musician. That's tough for both of you. It's a very different lifestyle and not always easy to deal with. Another really good reason to take it slow. How do I know? My SO is a musician and through him I am very familiar with the local music scene and know many musicians.
I say, let it ride, and don't be "free" when he can "pencil" you in. You are making it too easy for him. Sure, he is busy, but if he wants a relationship, let him make time for you. I would start dating other men. Let him know you really like him, but you need something more meaningful than "Starbuck's on Saturday". I bet you are having sex, and that is probably all you do...like dinner, and sex. Sounds like a "booty call" to me. He makes time for you to have sex.
I say, let it ride, and don't be "free" when he can "pencil" you in. You are making it too easy for him. Sure, he is busy, but if he wants a relationship, let him make time for you. I would start dating other men. Let him know you really like him, but you need something more meaningful than "Starbuck's on Saturday". I bet you are having sex, and that is probably all you do...like dinner, and sex. Sounds like a "booty call" to me. He makes time for you to have sex.
Just my two cents.
What??? What do you want him to do? I mean seriously, the man has a job, works out at the gym and is in a band. She is also busy. She said that in her prior relationships she was with men that wanted all of her time. If he can meet her twice a week what else is there? They can't spend everyday together bc each person has their own life.
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